bestcare

Have you thanked your CNA?

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 20:05:48 GMT

Caring for people who care for people promotes the best care.

I worked with Helen during the night shift at Hospice of Saint John, in Denver.

For some reason, from 1-3 am seemed to be prime time for people to pass from this life into the next. Our roles were different but we often worked together during those difficult hours.

Our hospice set the bar high for providing dignity to those at the end of life and following their passing.

Other hospices learned from the way we did things. We did not use body bags or toe tags. Their ride to the mortuary was an honored escort in the transport vehicle--they were the only patient. The face of the deceased was not covered until they were ready to enter the transport vehicle and I was present when they were loaded into the van and stood at attention until I was out of sight. A Chaplain attended every death, 24/7/365. It was my job to oversee this process for the many deaths that I attended.

At our Inpatient Care Center, which was the second oldest inpatient hospice in the United States, CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) would prepare the body to be transported. After the passing, usually the family would step out of the room to give the CNA space and time to do her work of preparing the body to be moved. Many times, the final hours and minutes of the patients lives were messy. So, fresh bedding would often be put on the bed. The body would be bathed and then dressed in fresh bed clothes (occasionally street clothes) and tucked into a clean and orderly bed. With the head resting on a pillow and the hands folded over the patient's stomach, often, a small bouquet of flowers would be placed in their hands.

All of our CNAs showed compassion to our patients and treated them with dignity, but Helen excelled above all.
The family of the deceased said their farewell and committed this patient to our care. With the outside world asleep and no one watching, Helen worked in the early morning hours with the difficult and dramatic task of tending to a dead body. She did not know I saw her.

I watched as Helen applied skin cream, gently and thoroughly, as we might to our own bodies after we take a hot bath or shower.

Her work was angelic .

Often I called her an angel as I raved about her work and the love that flowed from her hands as she cared for patients.

Helen is a black woman. I don't know how that affects the way she worked but I do know that no one else could do her job any better than she did. Her motive was to treat each patient with dignity and her actions were a tribute to hospice care, CNAs and her race. Her salary helped put her daughter though college.

I've worked with many Black medical professionals including doctors, nurses, therapists, in home caregivers and CNAs, who deserve recognition for their work, especially during Black History Month.

I hope this post is not perceived as political nor patronizing. I don't expect this salute to adequately address racism. But Black History month always reminds me of Helen and it gives me the opportunity to honor her and many other skilled and dedicated workers. If I ever saw or heard someone disrespect or mistreat her, I would do everything in my power to defend and protect her. In a small way, I hope this post supports efforts to end racism.

Take a moment to appreciate CNAs and black medical professionals that serve those in your care. Your salute will show respect and may cancel a wrong done in the past.

When you care for people who care for people, you are helping to provide the best care.

Is it okay to grieve the loss of my pet?

Thu, 19 Feb 2026 19:58:56 GMT

Grief is the most common human experience!

A woman asked me, "Am I wrong to be grieving over the death of my pet?"

Grief can be attached to any loss, so why would it be wrong to grieve the loss of your "best friend" who gave you unconditional love and loyalty for 13+ years of your life? "It took a long time for me not to expect a wet nose in my face every time I bent down to tie my shoes," the former master of a doberman writes.

Former President Bill Clinton said that the death of his dog, Buddy, after being hit by a car, was by far the hardest thing that happened to him since he left office.

When my dog, BeeBee (a basset/beagle mix) was hit by a car I was inconsolable. That may have been the hardest I ever cried and to the 16 year old kid that I was at the time, it was the greatest loss I had ever experienced.

For some people, the death of their pet rips the scab off of earlier losses that they failed to grieve for a variety of reasons. The complicated grief they feel is very severe. When service-dogs die, the pain is intense for similar reasons.

Very recently, both of my son's families are experiencing pet grief. In each case the pets were older than my grandsons which means that those boys had this pet, one a dog, the other a cat, in their homes their entire lives. For my son's and their wives, the pet joined the family early in their marriages. With moves to other houses, job changes and over a decade of greetings at the front door, licks on the cheek, and immeasurable animal behavior entertainment, now those moments are gone and those places are empty. It is true, you don't know what you have until you don't have it, and that is true with pets. They play a big part in the lives of families.

Grieving a pet's death is real grief.

There are some good resources online. You may want to check out this one--http://www.petlosshelp.org/10commonquestions.html.

In the realness of pet grief, we can learn more about the impact of loss and grief.

Any loss causes grief. The dark, heavy emotions of sadness, anger, disorientation, and despair can take a controlling place in our souls. Moving to a new neighborhood can represent the loss of a house we loved or the familiarity of a town we lived in for many years. A job loss, in additional to the financial anxiety, is full of dark emotions because of lost relationships with co-workers, the removal a title, the change of a routine, a closed access to an office and/or a building, the all leave a hole in our lives.

Health changes that diminish our strength and mobility, can make us sad about what we cannot do any more.

Even happy things like growing up, graduations and marriages have the down side of leaving one stage of life in order to enter the new one. This is why mothers cry on the first day of school.

As we care for people, we should recognize the potential of significant emotional pain with every loss. Being present for them so they can identify their loss and express the pain that goes with it helps them grieve in a healthy and healing way. Because we care for people, their pain matters to us, whatever it is. Our world would be much healthier is we validated the pain that comes through loss.

So we say, "No, it is not wrong for you to be grieving the loss of your pet (or whatever else you lost). I'm sorry for the sadness you feel."

A resource for you to support those who grieve

Wed, 11 Feb 2026 18:51:33 GMT

Here is a positive way to deal with negative feelings.

Valentines' Day is this week. Don't forget to check on those who have lost a spouse so then know someone, even if it is not the one they want, is checking on them.

Grief is the most common human experience. Everyone experiences it and grief does not go away. Time does not heal this wound because it does not fill the hole left by the absence of the loved one they lost. We may learn to live with that loss, and the emotional pain becomes less debilitating, but that loss is a permanent part of our lives.

So how do we continue to live and even flourish when grief has become a permanent part of our lives?

My grief mentor, a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and veteran of profound grief, Karen Schoenhals, wrote, "To successfully grieve, not sinking into bitterness and despair, is to allow room in our hearts for both joy and sorrow to exist, to be experienced simultaneously, and to be openly acknowledged together. And the beauty of Christmas is Emmanuel, God with us, who lost everything when He came into this dark world to save us-- to walk with us through our dark path of grief and give us joy."

That Christmas card message is always relevant, especially during the cold days when winter lingers and warm weather feels like it will never come. Cold, dark, lonely emotions can feel like joy will never come.

To grieve appropriately helps us make room in our souls for joy to also exist.

It is counter intuitive. I believe our culture would be healthier and happier if we grieved more. There have been many losses that hide in our souls, tormenting us in undiagnosed ways. They prevent our flourishing. To not fear the dark feelings makes room in our souls for a more truthful, complete and redemptive reality to exist.

Stephen Ministries offers us a tool to use to help the grieving .

It is not an ineffective attempt at a quick fix for sadness. You are supplied with a resource that helps you connect four times a year as a person experiences grief in different ways and phases. You can order it, even if you do not have a Stephen Ministry in your church or if you are not a Stephen Minister. Log on to https://www.stephenministries.org/griefresources/default.cfm/774?mnb=1 to learn more about the books. Scroll to the bottom of their page to order online.

Support for a grieving person is valuable beyond measure. Your support will help them endure the winter of the life until the thaw of spring finally comes and with your presence, it will come.

The Oak in the acorn. The Baby in a manger. Do you see the big in the small?

Tue, 23 Dec 2025 17:39:05 GMT

Nine of us gathered for a beautiful Blue Christmas Service.

It was my third Blue Christmas Service this Christmas season.

I drove to the small farming community. It had one stop sign. No traffic light, restaurant nor gas station. They would need to drive to the city where I live, about thirty minutes away, for all of their shopping.

The church building, constructed in the 1800's was beautiful and full of history. The parking lot was surrounded by farmers fields.

Seven people gathered for the service in addition to the pastor and me.

One family said goodbye to their mother and grandmother last week. A widow mourned her first and second husband who preceded her in death. She also mourned two sons, one who was a prodigal. Another woman mourned the loss of her mother and the other attendee grieved her husband. They all thanked us for the service. The pastor grieves the suffering his wife endures as a cancer survivor and the victim of a seizure disorder. It was in December that my mother died and my niece committed suicide.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. I felt His presence. I should say there were ten of us in attendance.

In our world where big seems to mean significance, this small gathering was sacred and personal, like when Jesus came to earth to be born in a manger. On the first Christmas, and angel, surrounded with great brightness, announced esus birth to lowly shepherds. Then "A great company of the heavenly host appeared saying, 'Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace, good will to men," (Luke 2:13,14). The shepherds were "abiding in the field." I wonder if it was as dark and the fields of the farming community where I was.

When we devote ourselves to caring for people and we go to where the needs are, we are often led to places that are made holy only by the presence of God and the meaning of the moment. It may be in a hospital room, a hospice room, the hospital bed of a dying person placed in the living room of their earthly home. Or, it could be providing a meal at a homeless shelter, or delivering one to a widow, or giving your presence to mentor a young person who has no father. Maybe it is lighting a candle at a small service on the longest night of the year where people receive the light of Jesus into the darkness of their lives.

Care ministry settings usually feel small and the results are immeasurable.

While the question swirls in our hearts, "What did I accomplish?," God comes close and whispers, "It is what I accomplished through your presence and it is beyond measure, more than you can ask, think or even imagine." (Ephesians 3:20, 21)

Like the Oak in the acorn, the big grows from the small.

Big is not bad. Often it is produced through the faithfulness in the small things. It is just that in our culture, the value of the small is often overlooked or missed completely. The older I get the more I see the oak in the acorn acts and seasons of my life and ministry.

Please let me take this opportunity to switch gears and make a request.

Would you make a financial donation to Best Care Ministr y? Every size of a donation, $10, $25, $50, $500 or $5,000, matters and you can make a one time or recurring donation here at the website (www.bestcareministry.com/donate).

While every year is important, this year is especially important as our content has matured and we are ready to produce a product line of materials to equip and train ministries and organizations. And we want to increase the size of our team to support the growth of care ministry and help many more people care effectively.

Your care matters. Please take this step to participate with us in the cause of caring for people.

May the little Baby of Christmas have a big impact in your life and may his gentle light shine brightly in your darkness and through you.

Peace on Earth. Peace in Your Heart.

Sat, 13 Dec 2025 18:59:18 GMT

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. It brings peace to your soul.

In the book, A Decembered Grief , (p.54-55) Harold Ivan Smith offers the surprising gift of forgiveness to a person grieving at Christmas.

"There was a woman who practiced 'forgiveness praying.' Each day she would specifically forgive someone--until she ran out of people to forgive. Moreover, she was to follow up her prayer by doing a practical act to show that her forgiveness was real--such as writing a letter, making a phone call, offering a gift, trying to restore a broken relationship.

Some people cannot get to the work of grief because they are so busy reciting and rehashing the injustices, slights and failures of people, some of which are unforgivable if not unforgettable.

Sometimes the griever must make the first move in restoring the injury.

Consider giving generous gifts of forgiveness--to yourself for not visiting the nursing home more often, for being too sharp in criticizing other family members who you believe failed to pull their weight. Forgive those who offer faux pas' statements that hurt more than soothe. Forgive your loved one for not taking the doctor's advice.

Forgive God for 'taking' your loved one."

If you are having a hard time finding the words to pray a forgiving prayer, perhaps the following prayer, also found in A Decembered Grief , may help.

' Lord Jesus Christ, I ask today for Your help that I may
forgive everyone in my life who has hurt me.

I know that You will give me strength to forgive...
Lord Jesus, I especially pray for the grace of forgiveness
for that ONE PERSON who has hurt me most.
I ask to forgive anyone whom I consider
my greatest enemy, the one who is the hardest
to forgive or the one whom I said I would never forgive.
Thank You, Jesus, that Your will is to free to me
from the evil of unforgiving.'
-Anonymous prayer in How to Pray When Life Hurts, (p.34,36-37).

Forgiveness might be too soon for some grieving people, but for many, it is the necessary gift to lighten the heart and soul weighed down by the wrongs they have experienced. Helping them find that gift is of value beyond measure.

I hope this surprising gift will be a great addition to your life this Christmas and help you experience and bring peace to this world so there will be "Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men."

Giving presence at Christmas.

Sat, 06 Dec 2025 20:49:12 GMT

Presence matters, especially in the hospital.

It helps cure Hospital Delirium.

I'm comfortable making hospital visits. But as a patient after a cancer surgery lasting over eight hours, I had never been so uncomfortable in the hospital.

There was a name for my discomfort. Hospital Delirium.

My wife thought I had a stroke. I had a vacant expression. I answered, "I don't know," to almost every question. While I knew I had surgery, my clinical hospital room environment, with strangers taking care of me, a roommate who was sicker than I was and not even a window view to the outside to know if it was day or night, had me completely disoriented. That was a problem in addition to the reason I was there in the first place.

Even though I managed to get oriented over the span of a few days, that horrible feeling lingered. I had the "blues" for weeks, I could not sleep well, and, even now, at slightly over four months after surgery, the memories of those days can stir uncomfortable, anxious feelings of being in the hospital.

What actually is Hospital Delirium ?

Hospital delirium is a sudden change in a patient’s mental state that can happen during a hospital stay, especially for older adults or those who are very sick. It can look like:

Confusion or disorientation
Not knowing where they are
Trouble focusing or following conversations
Sudden agitation or restlessness
Seeing or hearing things that aren't there
Extreme sleepiness or withdrawn behavior
It often comes on quickly—within hours or days—and can fluctuate throughout the day.

Why does it happen?

Hospital delirium isn’t one single cause but a reaction of the brain to stress, illness, medications, or the hospital environment , such as:

Infection
Pain
Lack of sleep
Certain medications (especially sedatives)
Anesthesia
Dehydration
Being in an unfamiliar place
Surgery, especially orthopedic or major abdominal procedures

Why is it important?

It’s extremely common but often overlooked.
Delirium can:

Slow down recovery
Increase the risk of falls
Cause fear or distress for families
Occasionally lead to long-term cognitive decline if not addressed

It is usually treatable with the right attention.

I've made thousands of hospital visits, but after my experience, I will be more intentional with every visit. Especially here at Christmas and during the holiday season, people do not want to be in the hospital. Offering your presence matters more than you can imagine. It helps them get their bearings, find comfort in the familiar, gain some strength and work on their recovery. This is true in hospitals, skilled nursing facilities, memory care facilities, and inpatient hospice facilities.

As one who provides care by visiting in the hospital, join me in being attentive to these 11 best practices for visiting in the hospital and helping someone who, in addition to why they are there, is suffering from Hospital Delirium .

1. Prepare Your Heart Before You Enter

Pray for a gentle spirit, patience, and the ability to meet the person where they are.
Remind yourself: This is not who they are; this is what they are going through.
Your goal is reassurance , not correction.

2. Enter Slowly and Re-Introduce Yourself

People with HD may not remember you—even if you visited the day before.

Approach calmly.
Smile softly.
Say your name and purpose: “Hi John, it’s Pastor Dan. I’m here to be with you and support you.”

This anchors them without pressuring them to “remember.”

3. Match Their Reality—Don’t Argue With It

If they say something that isn’t true (“There are animals in the corner,” “I need to go home now,” “Someone stole my clothes”), avoid challenging or correcting.
Instead:

Acknowledge the feeling.
“That sounds upsetting. You’re safe here. I’m with you.”
Redirect gently.
“Let’s take a moment and breathe together.”

Your calm tone is more healing than the accuracy of the facts.

4. Offer Presence Before Words

Hospital Delirium scrambles the mind, but presence reaches the heart.

Sit at eye level.
Keep your voice soft and slow.
Use short, simple sentences.
Avoid rapid movements.

Sometimes the ministry of stillness is enough.

5. Reduce Stimulation

People with HD can become overwhelmed by noise and activity.
If possible:

Turn down the TV.
Close the door slightly.
Ask staff if lights may be dimmed.
Remove unnecessary items from the bed.

Your goal is to provide a calm, anchored environment.

6. Reconnect Them to Reality Gently

You can use soft orientation cues:

Mention the time of day (morning, afternoon—avoid exact times).
Remind them they are in the hospital for healing.
Refer to a caring person by name.

Example: “You’re in the hospital today because the doctors are helping your body recover. Your daughter Sarah loves you very much.”

Never quiz them or say, “Do you remember…?”

7. Encourage Family to Bring Familiar Items

This helps reduce confusion:

A favorite blanket
Family photos
A familiar pillow
Their glasses and hearing aids (VERY important)

These make the room feel safe and “known.”

8. Pray With Simplicity

People with delirium may struggle with complex ideas. Keep prayer short and soothing.

“Lord, bring peace to this room. Calm John’s mind, steady his heart, and surround him with Your healing presence. Amen.”

Tone matters more than content.

9. Stay Brief, Calm, and Positive

Visits should often be shorter than usual —even 5–10 minutes can be enough.
Signs it’s time to leave:

Increased restlessness
Glazed or overwhelmed expression
Repeated statements of confusion

Close gently: “I’m going to step out now, but you are safe and cared for. God is with you.”

10. Support the Family

Families often feel frightened and helpless.
Help them understand:

Hospital Delirium is common.
It is usually temporary and treatable .
Their loved one is not “declining” or “losing themselves”—their brain is reacting to the stress of illness, medications, or the hospital environment.

Help them know how to support the patient: “Your steady presence comforts them, even if they cannot express it.”

11. After the Visit

Pray for them once you leave.
Note any concerns for the medical team.
Check in with the family—your care for them is just as important.

While you cannot treat the illness, the care your provide in the hospital helps treat the whole patient and that is valuable beyond measure. Your care matters!

When giving thanks feels impossible.

Sat, 29 Nov 2025 16:49:27 GMT

Don't push Thanksgiving.

But let it emerge, even from the dark experiences.

Thanksgiving sometimes feels impossible. But is is always helpful.

The early Thanksgivings.

How the Pilgrims got through the winter of 1622 amazes me.

Unwanted guests arriving from the old world and a bad growing season led to inadequate resources. There was no supply chain. They needed to survive on food rations of a mere five kernels of corn per day . In hunger and want, their faith deepened, they continued to be thankful.

The next year, Thanksgiving of 1623 they enjoyed a feast but it began with a serving of five kernels of corn , reminding them of the the sustaining hand of God in times when the circumstances were desperate. You can read more details of their struggle and faith and faith in The Light and the Glory , by Peter Marshall and David Manuel, pp 132-141.

Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation

Over a hundred years later, Lincoln's Thanksgiving proclamation stirred a nation ravaged by Civil War. War time, when a half million died and burned ruins marked the land, seems like the wrong time to be thankful. But thankfulness was just what a divided nation needed.

One paragraph seeks thankfulness while recognizing need.

"It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American people. I do, therefore, invite my fellow-citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a Day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens. And I recommend to them that, while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners, or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty hand to heal the wounds of the nation, and to restore it, as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes, to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility, and union."

You can read Lincoln's full proclamation by cutting a pasting the following website. ( https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/sites/default/files/docs/transcript_for_abraham_lincoln_thanksgiving_proclamation_1863.pdf. )

This year's Thanksgiving

There are new reasons to be troubled this year, and old losses still are painful, especially as the holidays begin. Is thankfulness possible? How can thankfulness help us?

We need to be careful, as we care for a grieving or suffering person, not to force thankfulness where it is not felt, nor to try to make something that is tragic to be positive. But if we are alert we may be able to find a way to express thankfulness within the dark and sad experience. At the bedside of many deaths I prayed, "Thank you Lord for life, the opportunity to live, the life of this person, the life that has come into this world through them, the legacy of their life and the hope of eternal life. Please comfort this grieving family with the hope that only your can give."

In the anguish of the loss, the grieving cling to the memory of their loved one. Being thankful does not take the pain away, nor does it say the grieving person should be happy and look at the bright side, but it does give them something to hold on to that helps them get through one moment, one step and onto the next moment and take the next step. It might help them lift their eyes and heart for a moment to see the hope of Heaven.

My personal challenge this Thanksgiving.

Their faith and courage, revealed in the Five kernels of Corn winter, challenges me to evaluate my faith in God and my understanding of Thanksgiving.

This year I am recovering from a recurrence of cancer with the impact of the surgery to treat it and I'm dreading facing the remaining tumor early next year. Plus, tomorrow I attend the funeral service for my 40 year old Pastor friend. Both make my heart heavy, but I am thankful I can pray to a God who listens to my complaint, cares for my pain and gives hope for redemption.

The benefits of thankfulness for all.

Thankfulness can help one survive and find strength to keep living.

The same can be true for the world in times of war, division and hatred. While we are sad, angry, tired and feeling vulnerable, we can be thankful that we are alive for such a time as this, that we can pray and have faith for peace that will come someday. And as we express thanks for the smallest provisions and experiences of protection, comfort, pleasure or relief our faith matures and our character is sanctified, like the Pilgrims' was that horrible winter of 1622.

If people could be thankful in the need, grief and divisions of the historic Thanksgivings, then we should seek the same Source of a grateful heart to help us be thankful. Offering care is the perfect opportunity to merge need and thanks.

I hope your Thanksgiving is meaningful and joyful.

Your care matters.

The ultimate expression of care -- patience.

Sat, 08 Nov 2025 16:21:51 GMT

Let God work in you so you can be patient.

THE 7 ESSENTIALS FOR CARING THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE

The Fifth Essential: Patience

Welcome to this guide for daily spiritual reflection and renewal. Each day is an opportunity to seek deeper understanding, hear from God, and nurture a heart of compassion.

As you begin, take two minutes to be still and silent. Calm and focus yourself so you can hear for God and encounter Him in new ways.

When you are finished reading the prayers, Scriptures and reflections, do the same. Be still for two minutes so you can soak in what God has shown you today.

AN INVITATION TO DAILY WORSHIP

“O Christ, your blessed faith in me sends me to my knees. I am humbled at your confidence in me. Now help me to be in some measure worthy of your faith. Amen.”

E. Stanley Jones in Mastery

As found in Disciplines of the Inner Life , Benson and Benson, p. 277

DAILY SCRIPTURES

A Psalm for every day this week.

Psalm 136

A Scripture for each day this week.

Monday I Timothy 1:16

Tuesday Proverbs 16:30

Wednesday I Corinthians 13:4a

Thursday Romans 15:1AMP

Friday Galatians 5:22,23

Saturday Colossians 3:12

Sunday II Timothy 4:2

PERSONAL REFLECTION

God has been so patient with me. It has taken me a lifetime to learn His ways. And I’m still learning and growing. He has never rushed my growth or given up when I failed Him. He kept loving, teaching, guiding and pursuing me, year after year, decade after decade. His patience that lasts a lifetime reveals the depth of His care and his great faithfulness—and becomes an example for me.

If I want to care effectively like God cares, I must learn to be patient too. It’s easy to care when progress is visible and the results are encouraging. But the truest test of love is whether I keep caring when the process is slow, when change is unseen, and when the needs of others interrupt my plans. Some care lasts a lifetime—walking with someone through grief, mental illness, or addiction. Sometimes we pour out love and still don’t see the outcome we hoped for. Yet when we stay, listen, and love anyway, for the long haul, we care the way God cares. It is then that others can discover God’s love.

PRAYER FOR THE WEEK

"Forgive me, Father, for at times treating you as if you were my personal assistant or secretary. Your ways are unsearchable and beyond understanding. Help me to put my trust in you and not in my circumstances. In your presence, I am silenced. In Jesus’ name. Amen."

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Peter Scazzero, p.87

HYMN FOR THE WEEK

1. Great is thy faithfulness, O God, my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with thee.
Thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
As thou hast been, thou forever wilt be.

Refrain:
Great is thy faithfulness,
Great is thy faithfulness,
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed thy hand hast provided;
Great is thy faithfulness,
Lord unto me.

2. Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To thy great faithfulness, mercy, and love. [Refrain]

3. Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine and ten thousand beside. [Refrain]

Blessing – Call to Action

May God strengthen your heart with patient love this week.
May He fill you with endurance, gentleness, and the quiet confidence that His timing is always right.

Listen until they feel heard.

Sat, 01 Nov 2025 21:01:21 GMT

You haven't fully listened until

who you are listening to

feels that they have been heard.

Welcome to The 7 Essentials for Caring That Makes a Difference, Devotional Series.

This week’s devotional invites you to slow down, reflect deeply, and listen carefully —both with God and with those He places in your path.

Each day offers:

New content to guide your thoughts for the week.
Content to reread everyday throughout the week, helping you soak truth so it moves your mind into to your heart and soul.
Moments for stillness where you can escape the noise of hurry of life and prepare to encounter God in new ways.

Begin each session by taking a few deep breaths.
Set aside distractions, quiet your spirit, and open yourself to God’s presence.
Then, read, the reflect, and the pray—letting each part shape your heart of compassion.

This rhythm of reading, rereading, and reflection will help the lessons of caring not only be learned but lived.

The Fourth Essential: EXTREME LISTENING

AN INVITATION TO DAILY WORSHIP

“Ask God to reveal Himself to you this week in His form or way. Promise Him that you will not ask Him to speak to you in any certain images; but that you want to be open to all of His entreaties to you. Ask Him to show you that these experiences of today are part of His process for your life.”

Disciplines of the Inner Life, Benson and Benson, p. 151

DAILY SCRIPTURES

A Psalm for every day.

Psalm 34

Daily Readings

Monday Hebrews 7:25

Tuesday Psalm 116:1,2

Wednesday Romans 8:26, 27

Thursday Proverbs 18:15

Friday James 1:19

Saturday John 10:27

Sunday Romans 8:34

PERSONAL REFLECTION

“The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God’s love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear.

So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians, especially ministers, so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.

Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too.

This is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and in the end there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words. One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and be never really speaking to others, albeit he be not conscious of it. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only for himself and for his own follies.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer “ Life Together ”

PRAYER FOR THE WEEK

“O God, God, my Father, I have no words, which I dare express the things that stir within me. I lay bare myself, my world, before you in the quietness. Brood over my spirit with your great tenderness and understanding and judgment, so that I will find, in some strange new way, strength for my weakness, health for my illness, guidance for my journey. This is the stirring of my heart, O God, my Father. Amen.”

Howard Thurman in The Growing Edge

As found in Disciplines of the Inner Life , Benson and Benson, p. 73

HYMN OF THE WEEK

1 Abide with me: fast falls the eventide;
the darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

2 Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
earth's joys grow dim, its glories pass away.
Change and decay in all around I see.
O thou who changest not, abide with me.

3 I need thy presence every passing hour.
What but thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who like thyself my guide and strength can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, O abide with me.

4 I fear no foe with thee at hand to bless,
ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if thou abide with me.

5 Hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes.
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven's morning breaks and earth's vain shadows flee;
in life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

BLESSING CALL TO ACTION

Having experienced the importance and impact of God’s listening to you, let it be an example for you to listen to others.

WHAT IS GOD SHOWING YOU THIS WEEK?

Writing your experience will reinforce your learning and it will encourage someone else to care a little more deeply today. We can do this together.

You may journal your discoveries and/or encounters with others.
Share your insights, or an experience, in the comment section of this post.

Presence matters!

Sat, 01 Nov 2025 20:47:20 GMT

Prepare your heart to be present.

Welcome to The 7 Essentials for Caring That Makes a Difference, Devotional Series.

This week’s devotional invites you to slow down, reflect deeply, and practice presence —both with God and with those He places in your path.

Each day offers:

New content to guide your thoughts for the week.
Content to reread everyday throughout the week, helping you soak truth so it moves your mind into to your heart and soul.
Moments for stillness where you can excape the noise of hurry of life and prepare to encounter God in new ways.

Begin each session by taking a few deep breaths.
Set aside distractions, quiet your spirit, and open yourself to God’s presence.
Then, read, the reflect, and the pray—letting each part shape your heart of compassion.

This rhythm of reading, rereading, and reflection will help the lessons of caring not only be learned but lived.

The Third Essential: Practice Presence

AN INVITATION TO DAILY WORSHIP

“Grant me, O Lord, to know what I ought to know, to love what I ought to love, to praise what delights You most, to value what is precious in Your sight, to hat what is offensive to You. Amen.”

Thomas a Kempis, in Little Book of Prayers

As Found in Disciplines of the Inner Life, Benson and Benson, p. 293

DAILY SCRIPTURES

A Psalm for every day.

Psalm 46

Daily Readings

Monday Romans 12:15

Tuesday Psalm 139

Wednesday Revelation 3:20

Thursday Philippians 2:3,4

Friday John 15:13

Saturday Matthew 25:40-45 / 18:20

Sunday Exodus 33:14

PERSONAL REFLECTION

Even the Apostle Paul, as busy and productive as he was, had seasons of loneliness and even abandonment. He was honest about it in this passage. He desired with some urgency that others come to visit him. Lots of people in our high-tech world today have a lonely, low-touch life. The absence of others can be addressed by becoming present as we are able but also by teaching that once we trust the Savior, He comes by His Spirit and never leaves us! We may feel lonely but we are never again alone.

PRAYER FOR THE WEEK

“Lord, I pray for those around me who have lost loved ones and find themselves alone, those who have been hurt or betrayed and feel abandoned, those who are afflicted and weakened and feel forgotten. Teach me how to become present with them, to maintain an undistracted focus on them at those times, and to bring a physical reminder that God is also present and cares for them where they are.”

HYMN OF THE WEEK

Does Jesus Care?

1 Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song;
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?

Refrain:
O yes, He cares- I know He cares!
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

2 Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near? [Refrain]

3 Does Jesus care when I’ve tried and failed
To resist some temptation strong;
When for my deep grief I find no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long? [Refrain]

4 Does Jesus care when I’ve said goodbye
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks—
Is it aught to Him? does He see? [Refrain]

BLESSING AND COMMITMENT TO ACTION

“Never pray for an easier life – pray to be a stronger person! Never ray for tasks equal to your power – pray for power equal to your tasks. Tyeb doing your work will be no miracle – you will be the miracle.”

Phillips Brooks in Streams in the Desert, August 3, p. 297.

WHAT IS GOD SHOWING YOU THIS WEEK?

Writing your experience will reinforce your learning and it will encourage someone else to care a little more deeply today. We can do this together.

You may journal your discoveries and/or encounters with others.
Share your insights, or an experience, in the comment section of this post.

....for supporting us during my cancer journey!

Sat, 25 Oct 2025 16:41:11 GMT

I wish I could give each of you a hug!

One of the burdens of a cancer journey are the extra expanses.

Many of you joined GoFundMe with others from

Dan's Cancer journey on Facebook or in Caring Bridge

in raising over

$12,000.00.

THANK YOU!!!

Week #12 is this week. It is a milestone week.

I got my post-op scans yesterday to see how the healing has gone inside.
I will meet with my surgeon to evaluate the progress and plan the next steps.
We literally plan the next steps. For the first time since surgery, I may go to full weight bearing, as tolerated, on my right leg.
I will begin physical therapy. I'm not tolerating full weigh bearing very well yet. A bad limp. Eager to strengthen the atrophied muscles.
And we pay off the remainder of our portion of the expenses at Cleveland Clinic. We were able to cover previous expanses including 2 months for the rental of a hospital bed in my study, a hotel room near the hospital for Susan to be present during my 2 weeks in the hospital.

No one should do this alone.

The care received helps the burden to be lighter.

The relationship with the donor makes the journey a blessing .

Care received reveals the value of caring for one another.

I wish everyone could receive support as wonderful as mine.

My affection for you in this care ministry community is beyond measure.

THANK YOU!

God, change us so we can care like you care.

Sat, 18 Oct 2025 20:13:05 GMT

Dear friends, let us love one another, for

love comes from God.

I John 4:7a

Care and compassion are supernatural.

The ability to care effectively comes from God’s powerful creative work within us. It is from His work that gives us a new nature that changes us so we can do the supernatural work of caring the way He does.

Writing about care is better than I deserve.

That humbles me. I do not deserve to be writing about this subject, as if I am naturally a caring person who is inviting you to the world of care ministry with me.

Actually, the opposite is true. My tendency is to be self-conscious which often leads to self protection and self promoting behavior.

There is a scene from my boyhood that clearly illustrates my selfish nature. I compare my behavior to a famous scene in the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Clarence, the angel trying to earn his wings, was convincing George Bailey, who was in a state of despair, that his life was valuable way back to when he saved his brother’s life when he fell through the ice of a pond while sled-riding.

My boyhood home was at the top of the sled riding hill in our neighborhood. At least once every year, there would be a warm spell, the snow would melt, perhaps there would be a rainey day and a very large puddle would form at the bottom of our hill. It might have been 15’ wide and 100’ long.

The weather would turn could again and the large puddle would freeze over and make for great slipping, sliding and sledding across the ice at the bottom of the hill. The water beneath the couple of inches of ice would be about as deep as the top of our boots. It was not deep enough for anyone to drown, but deep enough to ruin a day of sled riding if you fell through.

One day a couple of friends and I, after we rode our sleds to the bottom of the hill and safely across the thin layer of ice on top of this big puddle, stomped a few holes in the ice, barely visible under the water that came to the surface. “Hey Davey,” I said, “Go down that way and see if you can get through those dark spots.” He accepted my challenge.

What happened was exactly what we expected. The runners of his sled broke through the ice where we stomped the holes. They stuck in the ice and immediately stopped the sled. But, Davey kept on sliding, head first into the icy water on a Pennsylvania winter day. It may have been warm enough for soft spots to form in the ice, but the mid to high 30’s were bitter cold, especially when one got wet.

We laughed and thought it was so funny as he slogged back to the top of the hill, soaking wet with icy-cold water dripping off of his nose. “I’m going home,” our freezing playmate said.

Now, I remember, with great sadness and regret, that act of bullying. More than likely, it is the Holy Spirit reminding me of what I was like before His presence was leading me. Also, God challenged to imagine what I would be like without Him. I cannot take credit for being a caring person proudly writing about care to help others care the way I do.

It is by God’s blessing and grace that care is my special focus of ministry.

I cannot thank Him enough for being patient with me and using me, a very flawed person, to promote the importance of caring for others. He led me to people and environments where, while He was changing the inside of me, I would learn that there is a way to care for people.

My transformation began at home. I was born into a Christian home and at a very early age recognized that I was a sinner in need of a Savior. After asking Jesus to be my savior and forgive my sins through sacrificing His life on the cross, I felt better. Something happened inside of me. A new life had begun and I felt loved and accepted by God. God’s work for and in me had immediate benefits. Over a lifetime of successes and failures, I have seen God’s work of progressive sanctification living in me as He continues to make me into who He desires me to be.

Because of the change inside of me, I was more responsive to the teaching and examples outside of me. I trust He will continue until I die or Jesus returns.

My example, of a changed nature, is personal. The Bible and history reveal more. Here are two.

The apostle Paul turned from a murderous persecutor of the church to a primary writer of the New Testament including the love chapter.

John Newton is a historical character who was the captain of slave ships but was changed by God and out of gratitude composed the world’s most popular hymn, “Amazing Grace.”

Within this transforming experience is the discovery of how God cares for people and desires a relationship with each one. He has provided a way for everyone to come into a relationship with Him, if they want to.

An uncaring person and an uncaring world can become caring.

This is really good news. An uncaring person can become caring. People can change from the inside to the outside through God’s supernatural power working inside of them.

The negative story of my selfish behavior is testimony to the fact this transformation is for each of us and it empowers us to care they way God did, to reach us.

Among people of Christian faith, there are variations on the interpretation of the details of a new nature. I will not attempt to sort out those differences here, but I do make the point that experiencing God is a transformative work that makes us new and the newness is to live with God and for God, by the presence and power of God so He and His ways flow out of our lives.

Acting selflessly and caring for others is simply not natural. We may call it difficult, but it would be better to call it impossible. So, caring for people is where God's character and work is most vividly experienced as the impossible becomes possible every day and in every circumstance.

The practical application to a powerful theology.

The theological reality of a new nature also has a beautiful practical side. The Holy Spirit fuels our new nature with God's character to operate in His ways. He is our Shepherd, who tends us like his sheep. He is our Gardener, who nurtures, prunes and cultivates us to be fruitful. He is the suffering savior who gave Himself for us and did not use His divine power but became a servant. So the fruit that flows from having a new nature flowing through us produces God's love, compassion and selfless love in us to flow through us.

Don't just try harder. Receive God's work for an in you to he can produce his supernatural work through you.

Your care matters! It is supernatural.

Focus on others the way God does.

Thu, 09 Oct 2025 18:38:33 GMT

"To be fully known and truly loved is, well,

a lot like being loved by God."

Welcome to this guide for daily spiritual reflection and renewal. Each day is an opportunity to seek deeper understanding, embrace grace, and nurture a heart of compassion. As you begin, take a moment to calm and focus yourself and prepare to encounter God in new ways.

The Second Essential: A FOCUS ON OTHERS

AN INVITATION TO DAILY WORSHIP

“Almighty God, my Father, I call upon You and request of You that Your love may be found in me, Your servant. I know not how to love as I ought: but You who are Love can reveal it unto me. Show me the way to Love. Amen.”

Disciplines of the Inner Life , Benson & Benson p.327

DAILY SCRIPTURES

A Psalm for every day.

Psalm 8

Daily Readings

Monday Matthew 18:12-14

Tuesday Luke 10:25-37

Wednesday Romans 15:1-7

Thursday I John 3:17, 18

Friday Colossians 6:2

Saturday Luke 3:10

Sunday Matthew 25:40

PERSONAL REFLECTION

“Have you experienced this concern for the sparrow’s fall? This is not just Jesus’ experience. Nor is it His inference about God’s tender love; it is the record of His experience in God. There is the tendering of the soul, toward everything in creation, from the sparrow’s fall to the slave under the lash. The hardlined face of a money-bitten financier is as deeply touching to the tendered soul as are the burned-out eyes of miners’ children, remote and unseen victims of his so-called success. There is a sense in which, in this terrible tenderness, we become one with God and bear in unquivering souls the sense and burdens, the benightedness and the tragedy of the creatures of the whole world, and suffer in their suffering, and die in their death.”

From a Testament of Devotion by Thomas R. Kelly

found in Disciplines of the Inner Life , p.330.

PRAYER FOR THE WEEK

What excuse remains for me? If You stooped so low, shall I not stoop to lift another?

Therefore I beg You, Lord: kindle in me the fire of compassion, stretch out my hands in service, make my heart ache with the pains of others, that I may love them not in word only, but in truth and in deed (1 John 3:18). And when I fail, forgive me; when I grow weary, strengthen me; when I despair, remind me that Your mercy is greater than my weakness. So may I learn, little by little, to love my neighbor in You, and so to love You in my neighbor, until love is perfected in eternity. Amen.

SONG OF THE WEEK

No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus

Charles Weigle, 1932 (Public Domain)

Verse 1
I would love to tell you what I think of Jesus,
Since I found in Him a friend so strong and true.
I would tell you how He changed my life completely;
He did something that no other friend could do.

Chorus
No one ever cared for me like Jesus;
There’s no other friend so kind as He.
No one else could take the sin and darkness from me;
O how much He cared for me.

Verse 2
All my life was full of sin when Jesus found me,
All my heart was full of misery and woe;
Jesus placed His strong and loving arms around me,
And He led me in the way I ought to go.

Chorus
No one ever cared for me like Jesus;
There’s no other friend so kind as He.
No one else could take the sin and darkness from me;
O how much He cared for me.

Verse 3
Every day He comes to me with new assurance;
More and more I understand His words of love.
But I’ll never know just why He came to save me,
Till someday I see His blessed face above.

Chorus
No one ever cared for me like Jesus;
There’s no other friend so kind as He.
No one else could take the sin and darkness from me;
O how much He cared for me.

BLESSING

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

― Timothy Keller,

The Meaning of Marriage:

Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

Effectively focusing on others will help them be closer to feeling loved by God.

God's love flowing through you.

Sat, 04 Oct 2025 18:58:00 GMT

This week focus on the New Nature God offers to give you.

Caring effectively is beyond our natural human abilities.

Caring is more than a set of skills. It comes from the inside and flows out from the New Nature God produces in us. That helps us care like God cares for us and helps people experience God through our care. This blog is a little different.. It is a devotional. Take a week to open yourself to the work of God in and through you.

The First Essential: A Nature to Care

AN INVITATION TO DAILY WORSHIP

Father help me to live up to Your presence within me. I confess I have not always loved my neighbor as myself, nor loved You with all my heart, all my soul, all of my mind, and all of my strength. By the fruit of Your Spirit, may I more readily care for others. O Holy Spirit help me attain Your will to for those you bring to me. In Jesus name I ask these things. Amen.”

DAILY SCRIPTURES

A Psalm for every day.

Psalm 51

Daily Readings

Monday John 15:1-5

Tuesday Ephesians 4:22-33

Wednesday Ezekiel 36:26

Thursday II Corinthians 5:16-21

Friday II Peter 1:3-11

Saturday Colossians 3:9-16

Sunday Romans 6:1-14

PERSONAL REFLECTION

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

- C.S. Lewis “ Mere Christianity ” Book III Chapter 11 (The Perfect Penitent)

PRAYER FOR THE WEEK

“Show me Your glory, I pray to You, so that I may know You indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow you up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long In Jesus’ Name. Amen.”

A.W. Tozer in The Pursuit of God

SONG OF THE WEEK

Change My Heart Oh God

Change my heart oh God
Make it ever true
Change my heart oh God
May I be like You

Change my heart oh God
Make it ever true
Change my heart oh God
May I be like You

You are the potter
I am the clay
Mold me and make me
This is what I pray

Change my heart oh God
Make it ever true
Change my heart oh God
May I be like You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qobiU0TbXOg

RECEIVE THE BLESSING

“Grow, dear friends, but grow, I beseech you, in God’s way, which is the only effectual way. See to it that you are planted in grace, and then let the divine Husbandman cultivate you in His own way and by His own means.”

Hannah Whitall Smith in

The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life

Weekly devotions will be coming for each of the 7 Essentials. Some will be included as part of the regular blog and some will be supplemental.

This time I suffered with cancer.

Sat, 06 Sep 2025 16:13:59 GMT

My suffering involved disability and disorientation.

"I love you LORD, my strength." Psalm 18:1

My strength was gone.

The surgeon warned me that it would be a big surgery, but his words could not have prepared me for what I would experience after the surgery.

Others suffer worse. Many are not getting better. Their adjustment is to life change.

But, from this surgery forward, I will recognize suffering in a different, more experiential way . Mine came from disorientation and disability . They produce misery and require strength to endure and recover.

One of my nurses introduced me to the condition of hospital delirium . I will address that condition in a future blog post. Google it if you want to know more now. Basically the brain is overloaded with too much change and difficulty. I believe the emotional impact of two weeks in the hospital lingers.

Whatever it was, it was difficult and miserable and in this post, I identify the disorientation and disability as my sources of suffering, even if only for a little while.

I walked into pre-op of the Cleveland Clinic early on a Tuesday morning able bodied, outwardly healthy alert and oriented. My Chondrosarcoma had no symptoms.

Then, after 8 1/2 hours of surgery, as I was coming out of anesthesia, it was if I was alive but could not live . I was "waking-up" but I could not get awake. I could not get my brain focused on anyone or anything.

Now, in a bed in a hospital room I had never seen before, all I could see was the white board on the wall with the names of my doctor, nurse and CNA for the current shilt. I would drift in an out of medically induced sleep but I remained unaware of how long I had been sleeping. My pain was managed by an epidural with more heavy duty drugs that I believe added to my mental fog, but even with that help that blocked my pain I could tell that my body had been affected by a surgery that changed everything about my physical abilities.

I passively accepted the care of a steady flow of care givers and technicians, strangers who I had never met. They administered meds, checked vitals, took blood and hung IV bags and reset the annoying beeping alarms. My disorientation made it emotionally difficult. I had a general state of confusion and felt weak and vulnerable.

Disability was next.

The word is usually related to permanent disabilities. Those who suffer with catastrophic illnesses or injuries, who suffer with long term or life long disability, will forever have a bigger place in my heart. And, it is important to recognize that partial and temporary disability are difficult and the loss is real.

My disability is temporary, I think. Only time will tell if I will gain enough strength in my hip to walk properly. My first step with a therapist resulted in the Stat Team responding to me passing out cold. I am not to put weight on my right leg for 8-10 weeks. Moving is very slow and awkward with a walker. I know many can't move at all. My roommate, in the semi-private room, could barely sit on the edge of the bed, as best as I could tell from the other side of the curtain. So, I feel a bit guilty for being impatient at my greatly reduced ability that will last for a few months (hopefully not much longer).

The ability to go to the bathroom has returned, but for the full two weeks in the hospital, the need to be accompanied to the bathroom by a staff person, added to the misery of feeling that I could not properly perform the basic bodily functions.

Concentrating to do my normal tasks, like writing this blog post, has been a challenge. Ideas roll around in my head, but sitting down to do what I want to do, requires a lot more effort to overcome a weakened physical condition, than it did a few weeks ago.

My recovery involves facing a battle on these two fronts of disorientation and disability.

It is deeply affecting me. My surgery four years ago resulted in a surprisingly quick recovery of 3-4 months. This time, now, as I begin the sixth week from surgery, I can tell I am getting better, but I still can't sleep and am a long way from walking. My study on the first floor will remain my recovery room and I try to get used to sleeping on the hospital bed.

I hope I do not come across as whiny, but I need to be honest about how much I do not like my current state of being and how difficult this surgery and recovery is for me. The misery from disorientation and disability, has affected me more than I expected and the emotional blues from the hospital experiences linger.

So as I sit a lot more and pray, think, read, write, and plan here are 3 feelings forming something deeper in my soul.

This is not an attempt to be heroically positive. No matter what people say about attitude, while it may help, it does not make pain feel good. I am simply recognizing what is going on in my mind, soul and heart while I am experiencing a difficult time. As one who values care, in these times of introspection, in a new and deeper way, I recognize these three feelings.

Caring people make me feel better. When people come to visit me, for a while I almost forget that I am recovering. All the visits are good because, it reminds me that I have not been forgotten. Feeling cared for is valuable beyond measure, so keep caring for the people in your life and ministry. Your care matters. If it is a mild case of hospital delirium, familiar people are one of the best cures. And, the best visits are people who want to learn what my experience is like to me. They ask questions and listen.
The pain of others hurts me more than it did before. Involvement in the ministry of caring has given me the opportunity to engage with hurting people. I thought I was pretty good at that, but I am finding a deeper feeling of need that a suffering person may be having from their disorientation and disability. This is true for those I meet and know, but also for those I hear and read about. Sometimes I am overwhelmed, so I groan and pray for God to be present to me, to them and to be known in our world to relieve the suffering. This is more difficult than before the surgery, but it feels right.
The Lord is my strength. He does more than fix the situation and give me strength. He gives me Himself and when I experience His presence I find ability to endure the suffering as I focus on God and seek His presence in my days and nights. My calling to care feels more important and necessary than I ever imagined. The strength of His presence exceeds my healthy physical strength, optimism, and dreams. It is a strength I'm just getting to know. In some ways I don't want it, but I know it is best and I need it.

Thank you for allowing me to tell you my current story. While I will always write from my heart, I won't always write about me. But as I work to get back to the weekly blog post and email, I am thankful you are, by reading this today, travelling this journey with me.

Your care matters!

The pictures above.

The top picture is a model of my pelvis formed by the surgical team at the hospital. The yellow circle is around the hip socket that has been affected by the cancer.

The second picture shows where the surgery was. The original hip socket in the pelvis was removed. The circle to the right shows "it" missing.

A model of the titanium implant that was screwed into that area is pictured in the left circle. To make a ball from the hip that would fit, I also got a hip replacement surgery.

Consequently I am not to have load bearing on my right leg for 8-10 weeks and 50% for another four weeks. This cancer, Chondrosarcoma, does not respond to chemo therapy nor radiation.

I am thankful for the knowledge, skills and technology that my devoted surgery team used to remove a growing cancer from my body.

I am thankful for you and many friends who support me, and care for others. Because caring people make a difference. Your care matters!

The BIG power of little WORDS.

Sat, 26 Jul 2025 18:12:38 GMT

"SO" works better than "BUT"

especially when expressing care during a catastrophic event.

Well meaning people who care, make this mistake all the time.

"I'm sorry you have cancer. But, God has a plan."

"It is tough that you have cancer. But be positive. A positive attitude makes a big difference."

Both statements are true. They pass the test for accuracy but they fail at caring for the person with the cancer diagnosis.

I catch myself using making a similar mistake in the first person. "I don't like having this cancer. I am scared about the surgery and the impact that it will have on my body and potential future debility. But , I trust God's plan."

This is the tip of the iceberg. The "but" mistake is made in a lot of different places, especially with grief and loss. "I'm sorry you lost your loved one, but they are in a better place."

"The conjunction " but " means “on the contrary,” and is used to indicate contrast or opposition between elements in a sentence."

" So " is also a conjunction. It means to the "same extent or degree." (Found Online)

It is more agreeable and makes a suggestion or reveals a response to the bad news, more than making a contrast. The contrast diminishes the first. When that happens it can accuse. It sounds like I should feel guilty for the dread and sadness I have about my cancer.

Negative and positive can coexist in these circumstances.

Allowing them to exist simultaneously makes it possible for a person to be both in pain and comforted, fearful and trusting, doubting and hopeful. And, as we offer care it is not our responsibility to get them to the positive place, but to care about where they are now. That will open the opportunity to experience both.

Perhaps, over time, the fear, or the sorrow from grief will diminish, but maybe not. That is not the goal of caring. Being present with the person is our responsibility so they feel cared for. Then they will continue in the battle and we are there to help them find the answers to their questions.

"I'm sorry you have been diagnosed with cancer. So...

Please know I am hear for you."
Tell me your greatest fears."
What are your biggest needs at this time?"
How are you feeling now?"

"It is tough that you have cancer, so...

I want you to know I am here if you want to talk."
What can I do for you? Meals? Mow the lawn? A visit at the hospital?"
What is going on in your thoughts and feelings?"
How is this affecting your faith?"
What are your main questions?"
How can I pray for you?"

If they do not want to talk, do not force them to. Your presence will be enough and the time to talk will come later. When you do talk, use SO instead of BUT .

In the first person, I've adopted this answer for general purposes.

"I don't like having cancer and am scared about my upcoming surgery. So I will lean into God and seek His help in every way I can for every need I feel so His purpose will be accomplished in and through my life."

People made the same mistake in the recent flood tragedy in the hill country of Texas.

I heard comments like, "We are heartbroken by the devastating loss of this tragedy, but are thankful that over 800 could be saved." I cringed when I heard that.

Without intending to, the well intentioned officials put the loss in contrast to those were saved. They did not need to compare. Both were realities and both could have been recognized more correctly together, either by discussing at separate times or by using the word " so ."

"We are heartbroken at the overwhelming loss so we will mourn those we lost and comfort their loved ones and be thankful that many more were saved."

Not only is this more correct, but it brings both groups of people together.

Caring effectively for people is much more than the "touchy-feely" part of life and ministry. It is the necessary ingredient for every situation, especially catastrophic ones. It makes us more engaging in our relationships. Our ministries are more impactful because people are more responsive to people who care effectively. Our culture changes because more people experience the support and comfort they need.

Then a comforted and validated person can more clearly see God's love. Often, we will have the opportunity to describe God's goodness and grace, or help a person continue in their faith.

When something so small can make such a big difference, it is worth the thought and effort to get it correct.

That's why I write about caring effectively and why you read about it. Let's keep working on our caring skills and invite others into the journey.

Care matters! Your care matters!

Everybody, everywhere, has a story.

Sat, 19 Jul 2025 12:40:25 GMT

It was comfortable. It was appropriate.

We were comforted with two opportunities to care.

There was a beautiful family near us at the beach yesterday.

We enjoyed watching the kids bounce up and down in the waves. The youngest was about the age of our youngest grandson and looked like our oldest. He was the most entertaining.

Shortly before we were about to leave, Susan and the Mom crossed paths. Susan had the chance to oh-and-aw over the kids and have a brief chat with the Mom. Somehow, Susan discovered that of the four children, one was from her first marriage. Her 29 year old husband died of colon cancer.

The lovely young Mom was not melodramatic. She was friendly and refined in her manners. Susan responded with condolences which were appreciated.

The woman was empathetic when she learned of my cancer. She warmly shook Susan's hand and promised to pray. She did the same to me a few minutes later.

When we arrived at the beach, another woman was sitting alone near the spot we chose.

At first we didn't talk, but after wading into the waves and getting settled for a few hours in the sun, she asked me about our cooler. She needed to replace the two she left at places she travelled. She was taking shrimp to family and friends. We were thinking of taking the fresh seafood delicacy home so I asked for instructions. She gladly gave them in perfect detail.

Throughout our late morning and early afternoon at the beach, we talked off and on. She came over to say good-bye, and I finally asked her name. "Liz," she replied.

I gave her my name and then, I asked her, "Liz, is there any situation in your life you would like me to pray for?" I don't always do that, but I felt, this time, that I should.

She appreciated that and replied, "I lost my brother in May. We hadn't spoken in several years." There were more details she shared with me that are not necessary here.

Both people had a story. Sun tans and surf almost make you forget there are real people, each one with their own stories that matter.

Others, undoubtedly, were like us, having one last trip before a big bone-cancer surgery or some other life impacting event.

These opportunities were not contrived, nor forced. They came easily, were comfortable and, surprisingly, comforted us.

We went to the beach to relax and get away from our burdens, not face or deal with any heavy topic. But, that can be just the time to feel God's care even as you care for someone else.

Seeing others as people worth caring about, makes the relaxation more satisfying. These memories and the impact of those few moments will last far past the tans.

Caring for one another in a turbulent world. Your care matters!

Sat, 21 Jun 2025 17:01:06 GMT

"...but encouraging one another --

and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

Hebrews 10:25

The turbulence in our world hasn’t slowed down. If anything, it’s intensified.

War, terrorism, political polarization, the economy—every day brings a fresh reminder that the ground beneath us can shift without warning.

This uncertainty isn’t just global; it reaches into our neighborhoods, our families, and into our personal lives and souls. We get sick. Loved ones pass away. Jobs are lost. Children grow up and leave home. Marriages end. Even something as simple as another birthday can bring emotional discomfort with the reminder that time is moving faster than we’d like. In moments like these, we’re all searching for something—anything—that will hold steady.

The good news? There is something stable. Or rather, Someone.

Psalm 63 reminds us that “God’s throne is firmly established. It cannot be moved.” That verse is more than poetry; it’s a promise. God’s presence endures when everything else feels uncertain. He isn’t shaken by the headlines or the chaos. He remains constant, faithful, and strong.

But here’s the part we must not miss in these anxious times: the stability we find in God is meant to be shared. We are called not just to find comfort for ourselves, but to offer care and comfort to others.

Caring for each other may be the most powerful form of stability we can offer. A focus on others. A steady presence. A listening ear. A calm patience. A hopeful readiness (5 of the 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes a Difference) is the best way for people to feel God's steadiness . More than just preaching about God's presence, these simple acts can anchor someone who feels lost in the storm. When we choose to care, we help steady the world—one heart at a time. Then the world wants to know what we believe!

The church is meant to be the place where this care is cultivated.

It may not always feel perfect—styles of worship change, pastors come and go—but the message remains: God is here, and we are not alone. As ministries mature, along with the staff and congregation, we learn to care in the way that people feel and find comfort in the presence of God.

Church services are often one of the few things families still do together. While so much changes—our jobs, our routines, even the people around us—the church is still God's tool to equip people to love Him and love others. These shared moments of worship and connection become part of a legacy, passed down from parents and grandparents. And like planting a tree, if the legacy hasn’t been started yet, today is the best day to begin.

Statistics show the church is in decline. But it is needed like never before. When the church is committed to connecting people with God and people are committed to be faithful to a church family, we will help the bring stability to a turbulent world.

Let’s care for one another and build a culture of care in and through the Church, because when everything is unstable, care is one of the strongest anchors we’ve got.

Care is so simple, a child can do it!

Sat, 14 Jun 2025 13:00:44 GMT

God made the most important things simple.

Not easy, but simple.

The Caring Garden of Glimmer Glen

brought to you by Chaplain Dan

or Papa, depending on our relationship.

Written for kids ages 6–10

My granddaughter, Madelyn, loves books.

Her Dad and Mom read her brother and her at least one every night before prayers and bedtime.

So I was inspired to make a children's version of

The 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes a Difference .

ChatGPT gave me a lot of help.

This is only the beginning.

Welcome to Glimmer Glen!

In a sunny glen behind the hills,
Where flowers sing and time stands still,
There’s a garden full of joy and light—
Where caring hearts make wrong things right.

A Special Invitation

One morning, Maddy found a golden envelope.
“You are invited to Glimmer Glen,
Where caring starts and hearts will mend.”
Inside were seven sparkling stones, each with a lesson of its own.

Essential #1 — The Nature to Care

Maddy met Benny the Bear by a bubbling stream.
“You can’t give love unless it’s real,” said Benny with a gentle feel.
“Let God plant seeds of care in you—
Then love will blossom in all you do.”

Essential #2 — A Focus on Others

Next, a fox named Fern with kind, sharp eyes,
Said, “Look around—don’t just pass by.”
“Care begins when we truly see,
The needs of friends and family.”

Essential #3 — Your Presence

Near the lily pond, a turtle sat still.
“I don’t have answers,” said Tobias the Turtle. “But I will sit with you until…”
“Sometimes the best way we can share,
Is being near and simply there.”

Essential #4 — Extreme Listening

“Zip your lips, open your ears,”
Said Melody the Bluebird, fluttering near.
“When you listen with your heart and eyes,
You help another soul to rise.”

Essential #5 — Patient Persistence

Luna the Ladybug worked every day,
Helping flowers bloom along the way.
“Some hurts take time, some hearts need grace—
Stick around, don’t leave the race.”

Essential #6 — Safe Guards

“Care is precious, like morning dew,”
Hooted Harmony the Owl from a tree of blue.
“Be wise and kind—protect what’s true,
And always do what’s safe for you.”

Essential #7 — Be Ready

By the garden gate stood Sir Cedric the Squirrel.
He packed a bag with nuts and pearls.
“Care can come at any hour—
Be ready with love, it holds great power.”

Maddy’s Promise

Maddy now knew just what to do—
She’d care for others, as God cared too.
With her seven stones tucked in her heart,
She stepped back home to do her part.

Maximize your caring skills with a quick test of the 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes A Difference.

Sat, 31 May 2025 18:47:43 GMT

Make sure you are doing your best!

Test your caring skills with

The 7 Essentials for Caring That Makes a Difference.

Instructions: For each question, rate yourself from 1 (Rarely) to 5 (Consistently). After each section, reflect and write down one growth step. If you want to grow your skills reply to work with me or one of my team.

Essential – The Nature to Care

I regularly engage in spiritual practices that fill my heart (e.g., prayer, worship, Scripture). ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
My care for others flows from a spiritually full heart. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I recognize when I’m spiritually empty and take steps to be replenished. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5

�� Growth Step: ____________________________________________

Essential – A Focus on Others

I intentionally notice people around me who may need care. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I try to learn others’ stories and understand their background. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I use reminders or habits that help me focus on others. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5

�� Growth Step: ____________________________________________

Essential – Your Presence

I give people my full attention when they are speaking. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I remove distractions (e.g., phone, multitasking) when caring for someone. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
My calm and empathetic presence brings comfort to others. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5

�� Growth Step: ____________________________________________

Essential – Extreme Listening

I let others finish their thoughts without interrupting. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I ask open-ended questions that invite deeper sharing. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I reflect or summarize what others say to show understanding. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5

�� Growth Step: ____________________________________________

Essential – Patient Persistence

I do not impose my goals on this person but keep their healing process the priority. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I remain available even when progress is slow or invisible. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I do not give up on difficult or draining care relationships. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5

�� Growth Step: ____________________________________________

Essential – Maintain Safeguards

I keep confidences and do not share private information. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I know and maintain healthy emotional and relational boundaries. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I seek help or accountability when care situations become difficult. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5

�� Growth Step: ____________________________________________

Essential – Be Ready

I recognize opportunities to care in my daily routines. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I keep space in my schedule and heart to respond when needed. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5
I respond promptly and compassionately when someone needs care. ☐ 1 ☐ 2 ☐ 3 ☐ 4 ☐ 5

�� Growth Step: ____________________________________________

Final Reflection

Recently, which skill has most benefited you in relating to someone?

_____________________________________________________

What skill do you most need to improve?

_____________________________________________________

How will you address that need?

_____________________________________________________

A prayer for God to fill me with His love so I care as He does.

"Almighty God, my Father, I call upon You and request of You that Your live may be found in me Your servant. I know not ow to love as I ought; but You who are Love can reveal it unto me. Show me the way to Love. Amen."

From Disciplines for the Inner Life , Benson & Benson, p. 327

A nation grieves on Memorial Day

Mon, 26 May 2025 16:34:13 GMT

Some gave all.

"The first memorial in America dedicated to ALL wars, ALL branches of service and containing the names of ALL those who died from a single state in those wars, is pictured above.

The Colorado Freedom Memorial is located in Aurora, Colorado near Buckley Air Force Base. Constructed of glass panels that reflect Colorado's mountains and blue skies the Memorial holds the names of over 6,000 Coloradans killed or missing in action. They are grouped by war, but names will not be alphabetically listed. Much of the Colorado Freedom Memorial is meant to reflect the chaos of war, including the shuffling of names.

These heroes left the mountains of home to fight in places they'd never heard of answering their nation's call to duty. Over half of the men and women honored on the Memorial never returned home, their remains lost at sea, never recovered behind enemy lines, or buried in far away places. For families that never had a cemetery to visit, the Colorado Freedom Memorial becomes a place of grief and healing." (From the Colorado Freedom Memorial web site. https://coloradofreedommemorial.com/.)

Many communities throughout our country have some kind of a monument that lists the names of those, from their community, who paid the ultimate price in service to their country.

In many communities today, there will be a ceremony for a new Gold Star Families, to help the grieving families find a public way to honor the loved one that they lost in war. It is Memorial Day everyday for these families. Anytime you can acknowledge their loss, you are helping them grieve. That is valuable for all of U.S.

Wartime loss came close to my family. The fact that I am writing this blog post, is symbolic of the loss that others made, because, you see, my Dad came home, had a family, so I could live my life and today realize how privileged I am.

The Air Force has amazing historical archives. The following paragraph allowed me to see the debriefing report with the names of the crew from my Dad's 28th mission in WWII. Reading the six names of the men that perished makes it more personal than a general moment of silence.

In the piacute, my Dad is second from the right in the front row. This was his main crew. He was with another crew, "The Ragged Irregulars", flying "Sleepytime Gal', the day he was shot down. Even though these were not the faces of the crew below, the picture helps us gain an image of young men from the "greatest generation."

"Delivered Cheyenne 11/3/44; Gr Island 21/3/44; Dow Fd 6/4/44; Assigned 322BS/91BG [LG-A] Bassingbourn 22/4/44; Missing in Action 14+m Berlin 21/6/44 with Ed Waters, Co-pilot : George Abbott, Bombardier : Jim Van Pelt, Waist gunner : (My Dad and Hero) Bob Hettinger ( 4 Prisoners of War ) ; Navigator: Alf Kovner, Top Turret Gunner: Lou Miller, Radio Operator : Chester Kolano, Ball turret gunner: Harry Humm, Waist gunner: Claude Hopkins, Tail gunner: Ed Shirley ( 6 Killed in Action ) ; enemy aircraft KO’d #3 and set fire to wing, crashed Ruehlow, ten miles E of Neubrandenburg, Ger; Missing Air Crew Report 5983."

The main goal of grieving, that helps one know how to keep living, is to find an appropriate way to honor their departed loved one. Memorial Day gives our country a way to grieve the horrors of war, the loss of life and in the process honor those who died so that we can enjoy freedom.

Understanding grief and grieving, and walking with those who have experienced loss is the cornerstone of a caring ministry, a compassionate society and a healthy culture.

Local ceremonies seek to comfort for families, who lost a spouse, parent, child, brother, sister and give them a time to grieve, knowing their loved one is being honored.

Anytime you help someone grieve, especially someone who gave their life for others, what you are doing matters.

Mother's Day, Grief and was it a coincidence?

Sat, 10 May 2025 18:18:21 GMT

Somethings happen too often to be a coincidence.

My wife's mother died from cancer when she was only 52. Susan was 29.

Every Mother's Day for the past 38 years my wife remembers her mother with great love but also sadness for a loss that is beyond measure. Our daughter Angie, named for her grandmother, never met Angela. Susan did not have the opportunities to get her mother's advice as our kids were growing up, celebrate birthdays or other milestones, send pictures and share events of every week. There were no phone calls to check-in or hear affirmation, encouragement and love expressed. Her Mother's words were of immeasurable value for Susan for the brief time Susan heard them.

In our living room is a picture frame that electronically produces a slide show of meaningful family pictures. Occasionally it freezes--gets stuck on one picture. You guessed it. This picture of Susan and her mom, shortly before her illness, became frozen on our picture frame the week of Mother's Day.

Was that just a coincidence?

Before I was a Hospice Chaplain and similar things happened, I assumed that grieving people were just grasping at anything that could bring meaning or make them feel better. But I observed too many coincidences for them to be just a coincidence. I don't know what they mean, but it seems they are a tangible reminder that God hasn't forgotten the mother that has died nor the child that is grieving. He is drawing close to be a comfort.

Earlier this morning I was walking out of the neighborhood grocery store. A friendly worker and I often greet and joke around. I said to him with a chuckle, "Happy Mother's Day." He teased back, as I was heading for the exit, "Same to you."

Then he followed me, got close and in a low serious voice said, "I had one until two weeks ago."

For just a minute we talked about her illness and suffering. I asked how he was doing and tried express care for his sad feelings, but as quickly as he walked up to me, he walked away. I think he was trying to get a grip on his emotions before he would be taken over by them.

We need to make the most of coincidences and tender moments, especially on Mother's Day.

When you care for people by asking them to tell you a little about their Mom, you will be part of God's love to comfort and care for those grieving and you will make an immeasurable difference.

The happy celebrations of Mother's Day with breakfast in bed, or a meal out, a homemade card with a child's scribbles, and a gift of something that Mom has been asking for are priceless treasures worth remembering and saving for a life time. And we cannot forget flowers to plant now that Spring has finally arrived. They will produce color all summer and the memory of one more way Mom made life more beautiful.

So, when those things have passed and the one who produced them is no longer with us it is also appropriate to find a way to remember her, miss her and grieve the whole in our life left by her absence.

A full and complete Care Ministry provides times throughout the year, not just at funerals, for people to experience the dark colored emotions. Mother's Day offers opportunities to mingle joy and sadness into a meaningful Sunday.

Well rounded people are not one dimensional, relating only on the happy and mundane. So, even at the grocery store, we should recognize the opportunity to listen to a person tell their story of love and loss.

Holidays, coincidences and grief matter.

Recurrence and choking! Caring is not for the faint of heart!!

Fri, 02 May 2025 18:28:29 GMT

My past two weeks have been very intense.

“There is a 18mm growth that is highly suspicious of recurrent disease.”

I trust God. I believe He cares for me and has a plan and purpose for my life.

But, I did not want to read those words when I read the results of my CT scan! The previous eight or ten scans gave the all-clear report of my cancer from four years earlier. I was expecting to get another all clear. One more year and I’d be out-of-the-woods.

It was a beautiful spring morning. I was sitting on my front porch reading my Bible from the You Version App on my phone. So, when the email came in from the Cleveland Clinic, reporting that there were new test results on MyChart, it popped up on the top of my screen.

“Oh good. Let’s get this good news over with and get back to my reading.”

That is when I read those words, and they ignited an explosion of fear, dread and questions that produced no answers .

I did get some work done over the last two weeks but concentration has been very difficult. My emotions have been in a constant storm of highs and lows.

Cancer works very hard to be in control of everything. The battle is fierce.

If you are caring for someone who has just received some bad news, brace yourself for uncontrollable chaos. Don’t try to control it or offer platitudes that are supposed to make everybody feel better: “God’s got this,” or “Everything is going to be alright.”

Just sit with the person and hang on.

I know God is in control and I’ll be clinging to Him to get through this, but I still have a lot of questions. It is almost dismissive of my questions so sum it all up with "God's got this." I understand the motives and I appreciate them. But those words rarely help.

And, no one knows if anything is going to be alright, at least not according to what I want relating to what I am going through!

Presence. Concern by asking questions and listening mean a lot!

“Susan, he’s choking.”

After the findings of my CT scan the doctor ordered an MRI with contrast to get a better look at what was going on. When the scans were finished, I said, “Let’s go out to eat.”

We went to one of our favorite burger places. Actually, it is much more than a burger joint. They also serve ribs, steaks, wings, fish and chips and other comfort foods prepared and presented very nicely.

It wasn’t our normal happy outing to grab a bite, so we were quietly eating our meals. Susan looked at her phone and I glanced around the restaurant when I saw, to my right, a different type of drama taking place. A large man was seriously choking on a large bite of his steak. His wife was trying to give him the Heimlich maneuver. The struggle for both was obvious.

“Susan, he’s choking,” I pounded on our table as I jumped up to run to their table, a couple away from ours. It was one of those "slow-motion" experiences when the events transpire faster than you can think.

I didn’t think about it, look to others in the restaurant nor hesitate even a second. It was like I was suddenly transported to their table and seamlessly stepped in and took over for his wife, who stepped back without a word.

I grabbed him with both arms and with all my might began hoisting him up and down and, for what seemed like a long time, with no visible success.

The steak might have been working its way out, but the struggling sounds of him trying to get a breath, meant something needed to happen soon. The paramedics were being called but his lungs needed air and they hadn’t left the station yet.

I shifted my hands to above his stomach, just under his sternum. Then in a few hard hoisting hugs, the big piece of steak popped out of his mouth. He began to breath and talk and I knew that I had succeeded at my first attempt of administering the Heimlich maneuver on another adult.

“Thank you,” he turned and said, “You saved my life.”

For a few seconds I rubbed his back and then, remembering a line from Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day, I said, “Don’t eat the whole cow next time.” The comic relief felt good!

No one in the restaurant applauded nor celebrated. Everyone just took a deep breath that this situation ended positively.

When I sat back down at my table with Susan we just looked at each other. We couldn’t believe what just happened. Temporarily our cancer drama faded from our concern.

The man and his wife came to our table and offered to pay for our dinner. The restaurant already took care of our bill. We all needed to debrief so they sat down with us. We talked, laughed a little, got acquainted and somehow discussed a couple things that matter most to us.

The were Jewish. We are Christian. By the look of the bumper stickers on their car, their political beliefs are different than ours. He was a lawyer and I am a Chaplain.

The dramatic need produced an opportunity to care and the differences that cause much division in our culture, did not matter. The care in action became a bridge that crossed every difference. A relationship was established that had an unforgettable intimacy beyond years of superficial encounters.

Much of life is boring with mundane chores and repetitive routine. There is no urgency. Most of us like times like that and prefer to spice them up with episodes of entertainment and fun.

But, in every life there will be dramatic situations.

And as we live and move through this life, there will be situations where someone will need to be rescued. Those who care will move toward need and pain. "Compassion goes where the pain is," Henry Nouwen writes.

Caring will be intense and frightening.

In these dramatic situations you will wonder if you have what it takes to care in a way that is helpful. You will step into the unknown, a situation and relationship with an uncertain outcome, and ask God to help your presence, listening and response to be enough.

Caring is not for the faint of heart, but for those who get involved, God will work and use you to make an immeasurable difference.

ONE MORE THING

A cancer MRI and using a Heimlich maneuver with a couple hours of each other was pretty intense. Could it mean something? How would I interpret it?

My friend Jason said (and others have said similar), "Even though you are facing this cancer, God is going to use you to care for others in a big way." I like that! I'm going to think and pray about that and I'm going to live that way as much as I can.

One thing for sure, caring for others from the place of your own need works for the caregiver, the care receiver and God's glory.

One more day until Easter Sunday.

Sat, 19 Apr 2025 00:53:48 GMT

Things looked terribly wrong on Friday and Saturday.

I can't imagine how devastatingly difficult Good Friday and the following Saturday was for the people who experienced it when it happened.

Even Easter morning, with the resurrection, must have caused as much confusion as it did excitement. The greatest event of all time was covered with trauma, anguish and the unknown dangers and benefits of a new reality.

This post is not merely an attempt to see the good in the bad. It is an encouragement to show the bad is not the end of the story and a challenge for us to allow the Holy Spirit to change our nature so that we can care for others even if we have a hard life and walk alongside others enduring their dark days.

Why does the windshield wiper work better on the passenger side?

One day, when I lived in Colorado, I was driving my Jeep in the mountains during a snowstorm. No one was in the passenger seat, I was alone, but I could see that the windshield was squeaky clean over there while I could hardly see out of my side. I cleaned the blades, switched them and even tried to bend the wiper arm but to little avail.

It seems that sort of thing happens all the time, but often it is in matters that are much more consequential. I was reading some biographical stories of great people whose lives made a huge impact on our world.

These three people experienced many things going “wrong” as they spent their lives caring for others and doing good.

Hugo Grotius lived from 1583-1645 but is still known as the Father of International Law. His published work, The Rights of War and Peace , still influences legal thinking. He was a child prodigy, mastering Latin by age eight, studying at the University of Leyden at age 11 and taking his doctorate at age 15.

But his brilliance and insight was a threat to the powers of that time so instead of being appreciated he was persecuted . One of his colleagues was beheaded while Hugo was imprisoned. But in prison he read and wrote and eventually escaped by being hidden in a wooden chest.

George Whitfield was a powerful evangelist who ministered in the late 1700’s. People would travel from near and far to hear him preach. Businesses would shut down to give their employees time to go and hear one of his evangelistic sermons. Along with the Wesley brothers he was used to bring a spiritual awakening to America, but his methods were unconventional and threatened many respected churches and pastors. They would not allow him to speak in their churches so he often preached in meadows on the outskirts of cities .

A little girl was left blind by the bad medicine of a traveling doctor. As she matured she maintained a positive attitude and never considered herself handicapped. She taught blind students and she lived on the lower Eastside of Manhattan so she could help the poor and outcasts of society . She also wrote hymns. In all she wrote about 9000 and gained recognition by presidents, famous writers and other dignitaries as well as an adoring general public who considered her America’s Hymn Queen.

But, Fanny Crosby also had her critics who thought her hymns where “gushy and sentimental” and they even questioned her theology. Undeterred in her attitude and work she said, “If perfect earthly sight were offered me tomorrow, I would not accept it. I might not have sung hymns to the praise of God if I had been distracted by the beautiful and interesting things around me.”

The faith that inspired and sustained these historic figures was a result of the terrible events Jesus gave himself too during Holy Week.

Holy Week reminds me that when the circumstances seemed as dark as a crucifixion it was really Good Friday that paid the price for all of our sins and would be followed by a resurrection that defeated the power of evil, overcame death and gives us all the hope of eternal life and a new nature to live a new life, loving and caring like God does.

Wrong things happen because of the world we live in.

There is opposition to the forces of good to hinder the work, but they refine the worker and reveal the overcoming power that makes a victory a victory.

Things will go wrong. Brilliance will be opposed by ignorance, kindness will be unappreciated , generosity will be taken advantage of and windshield wipers will malfunction.

But the strength of God living in and through His people will produce a caring nature which leads to a victory even when it all looks bad.

It is still amazing!

Fri, 11 Apr 2025 19:11:52 GMT

It is one of the most powerful forces in the world!

Grace—unmerited favor—is one of the most powerful forces in the world.

It’s a gift that doesn’t have to be earned, only received. And in a world that measures worth by performance, achievements, and results, grace remains an amazing gift from God.

Most of the time, people are rewarded for their achievements, paid for their production, applauded for their accomplishments and penalized for their failures.

Therefore, insult is added to injury when their performance is flawed and the results are bad: a broken marriage, a bankruptcy, a lost job, a failed grade in school, or even shooting a 100+ in a golf game.

Often, when people struggle for no fault of their own or due to a sickness and injury, there is a tendency to resist care because we do not want to admit we have any needs. That could be a sign of weakness.

Grace flourishes when we care.

The perfect environment for grace to flourish is when we practice the essential caring skills of focusing on others, being present, listening and practicing patience. Grace is found in God but is often delivered by caring people.

Grace helps us find forgiveness, and get through the damage we brought on ourselves. Extending grace helps people find emotional and spiritual healing from their wrongs.

I’ll never forget, as a hospice chaplain, visiting a man dying of AIDS. He contracted this horrible illness through drug use and reckless living, yet, it was my sacred honor to help him find forgiveness through God’s grace through Jesus work on the cross. It was through a caring role of Chaplain that I had this opportunity. Similar situations abound for all who care effectively.

I had another opportunity to care and deliver grace in a county jail.

I was visiting a young man who was in prison for a violent crime. He knew what he had done was wrong. He was ashamed, remorseful and determined to never do it again. While he needed to pay his debt to society and the innocent victim, his years in prison would not guarantee that he would never do it again. But as I expressed the unmerited favor of God's grace to him, his countenance began to change. His renewed sense of worth produced the perspective to live up to his new self, in a new way and not perpetuate the wrong. God's grace is the greatest healer of painful failures of all types.

Most of us admit we have shortcomings and failures in our life that we regret. While some are more profound than others, we all need grace. We want to find hope because of the grace we receive and none of us should feel too good to not show grace to another.

Grace gives people dignity and value.

The message of grace is not extended to people because of portfolios, academic awards or professional achievements, or good behavior, but because of who they are. When people know that, they are more confident in dealing with their faults, deepening relationships and facing an uncertain future. Caring for people unconditionally, helps them feel dignity so they can find grace.

Over the years the meaning of many words have changed. For example, charity, originally meant to communicate love. Now it means something very different.

Even the word "grace" still holds meaning.

Saying 'grace' before a meal recognizes a blessing received. The 'grace period' for our mortgage payment gives us undeserved time. 'Grace notes' in a musical composition are extra notes that enhance the melody. When a judge gives 'grace' to an offender, the guilty person receives an unmerited opportunity.

Grace is still amazing—because it meets the deepest needs of the human heart. And every one of us, especially those involved in the ministry of caring, has the profound privilege of passing that grace on.

Your care matters more than you may ever know.

When you show up, listen, offer patience, and focus on others, you become a vessel of grace. And that’s the kind of care that can change the world—one soul at a time.

Where can you find relief when you feel you are about to break?

Fri, 04 Apr 2025 20:28:58 GMT

Looking for some relief?

Want to provide some relief?

Are you having one of those, “straw-that-breaks-the-camel’s-back” days? If not, I bet you know know someone who is?

You’re doing your best to keep up, but then life piles on—an unexpected bill, a troubling diagnosis, a phone call with bad news. Suddenly, it’s not just stress—it’s survival.

All of us at some point have a day, or a string of days like that. For many, these moments aren’t rare; they’re a way of life.

A single parent drowning in financial strain.
A family reeling from a devastating medical diagnosis.
A breadwinner who just lost their job, staring down the reality of not knowing how to provide.

When burdens stack too high, it doesn’t take much—a broken appliance, a fender bender, even a harsh word—to send someone over the edge. A little thing can be the “straw-that-breaks-the-camel’s-back.” The current political polarization, the roller coaster stock market and wars make life feel very uncertain.

Is it possible to find some relief? Where? It is possible to provide relief?

In times of crisis, relief isn’t just about fixing the problem—it’s about knowing someone sees you, hears you, and cares.

It’s the person who sits in silence and listens when words aren’t enough.
The neighbor, or someone from church, shows up with a meal when cooking feels impossible.
The Pastor, Stephen Minister, or dedicated friend who patiently hangs in there with you for the long haul, when life has changed and the problem’s impact lasts a long time.

These caring people with these caring actions don’t erase hardship and make the pain go away, but they can help provide relief.

Churches are a refuge from the storms of life.

They exist in every community and provide a place to gather, even for one hour, to focus on the transcendent and all-powerful God who is also our loving Savior and internal comfort. They are a refuge from the storms of life.

There is comfort in gathering with people of the same mind.

But churches are only as caring as the people within them. So those of us in the faith community must dedicate ourselves to being people of compassion and apply every effort to care effectively.

Caring people, in churches, organizations, schools and businesses, are lifelines for those teetering on the brink, offering practical help, emotional, spiritual and relational support before that final straw does its damage.

I wish the world felt safer and more calm and that life was not so demanding. But instead of waiting for things to get better, we can provide relief by caring for people.

Who in your circle needs a word of encouragement, a helping hand, or simply the presence of someone who cares?

Do you want to increase your caring skills and be part of the movement that makes a difference in our culture? One way is to join with me in studying, and working together on the 7 Essentials for Caring that makes a difference. There is a way to care that adds encouragement, skill and support to your good intentions, so you care effectively?

Compassion is more than a virtue—it’s a lifeline to those in need and a lifestyle for people of faith. And when you step in with care you don’t just lighten a load. You save lives.

Your care matters!!

We are promised we get to go home.

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 19:46:33 GMT

And it is better than we can even imagine.

It was almost 20 years ago, but I still remember my Dad telling me that he and Mom were moving.

It was only the second time in their 50 year marriage they had moved. The first time was when they left a little apartment in my Grandparent’s house to move into the house dad had build with his own hands for a mere $6,000. That probably seemed like a lot in the mid ‘50s.

It seemed that I was more traumatized by the move than they were. I know I was not. It was probably just my shock at the move they had been working on for some time.

In their 80’s they were relieved to be going to an independent living apartment where there would not be a long driveway that would need to have snow removed in the winter or the two acres of grass that needed mowing each week during the growing season.

But for me, that was the house where I grew up and the backyard was my field for countless games of baseball and catch with my brother. It was even where my boys, when they were little guys, played Wiffle ball with their grandmother. Even though I never lived there as an adult, it was always the familiar and wonderful home that I could visit.

Their move should not have surprised me, but it did. About five years later I lost them to death. I still miss them, and the reality of the changes stir melancholy feelings. On the rare occasion when I visit my hometown, I drive by the house.

“Home” means much more than “house.”

A home involves events, relationships and belonging. It is where you get a sense of who you are. It is a reference point for all of life and a place of security – at least it should be.

The house is the structure that provides shelter for the family and the longer the family is in the house the more if feels like a home.

Through the Holy Scriptures we are told that nothing here on Earth is our home.

“We are aliens in a strange land (Ephesians 2:19-20, Philippians 3:20).”

Our home is in Heaven and there is where we will find the permanence and security that so often eludes us in our frequently changing houses and turbulent lives. It is a place where “thieves do not steal, moths and rust do not corrupt (Matthew 6:19).” “There is no war, sickness, sorrow, tears of heartache (Revelation 21:4).”

It is rare to have an old homestead where the parents have lived for 50 years. I have much to celebrate and be thankful for, but as long and marvelous as that accomplishment was, even though there is a lasting legacy, the era is over.

Elderly people who have a deep faith are an inspiration to observe as they anticipate their home-going.

As their bodies grow frail, their abilities decrease and their dependency grows, their confidence in the home-going reveals a growing hope in a better place. Their eyes grow dim and hearing decreases, but their vision for the other side is brighter and they can almost hear their Savior calling. It is their new aspiration and goal.

My Dad missed the old house, but he knew that his apartment experience was a brief stop before he would go to his eternal home “that was not built by human hands” (2 Corinthians 5:1). The words of Jesus brought hope and comfort when he said, “Let not your heart be troubled. In my father’s house are many mansions. I go to prepare a place for you and if I go, I’ll come again and take you there to be with me And where I am, you can be also (John 14:1-4).”

As we care for people, sometimes it is appropriate to talk about their eternal home. Sometimes it is not appropriate.

It is a matter of timing. But it is always right to live and care from the perspective that an eternal home is offered to us and that Jesus is preparing a place for us.

It is much better than anything here, we get to be with Him and it lasts forever.

A Hospice story to salutie my favorite CNA during Black History Month

Sat, 22 Feb 2025 17:06:33 GMT

It is always good to appreciate and care for caregivers.

I worked with Helen during the night shift at Hospice of Saint John, in Denver.

For some reason, from 1-3 AM seemed to be prime time for people to pass from this life into the next. Our roles were different but we often worked together during those difficult hours.

Our hospice set the bar high for providing dignity to those at the end of life and following their passing.

Other hospices learned from the way we did things. We did not use body bags or toe tags. The patient's ride to the mortuary was an honored escort in the transport vehicle--our patient was the only patient. The face of the deceased was not covered until they were ready to enter the transport vehicle. A Chaplain attended every death, 24/7/365. It was my job to oversee this process for the hundreds of deaths that I attended.

At our Inpatient Care Center, which was the second oldest inpatient hospice in the United States, CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) would prepare the body to be transported. After the passing, usually the family would step out of the room to give the CNA space and time to do his/her work of preparing the body to be moved.

Many times, the final hours and minutes of life were messy. Fresh bedding would often be put on the bed. The body would be bathed, and then dressed in fresh bed clothes (occasionally street clothes) and tucked into a clean and orderly bed. With the head resting on a pillow, the hair would be freshly combed and the hands were folded over the patient. Often a small bouquet of flowers would be placed in the hands.

All of our CNAs showed compassion to our patients and treated them with dignity, but Helen excelled above them all.
The family said their farewell and committed this patient to our care. With the outside world asleep and no one watching, Helen worked in the early morning hours with the difficult and dramatic task of tending to a dead body. She did not know I saw her.

I watched as Helen applied skin cream, gently and thoroughly, as we might to our own bodies after we take a hot bath or shower.

Her work was angelic .

Often I called her an angel as I raved about her work and the love that flowed from her hands as she cared for patients.

Helen is a black woman. I don't know how that affects the way she works but I do know that no one else could do her job any better than she did. Her motive was to treat each patient with dignity and her actions were a tribute to hospice care, CNAs and her race. Helen even used her income to put her daughter though college.

I 've worked with many Black medical professionals including doctors, nurses, therapists, in home caregivers and CNAs, who deserve recognition for their work, especially during Black History Month.

Who would have known a kiss could matter this much?

Fri, 14 Feb 2025 18:10:01 GMT

The effect is measurable!

Who would have thought that a kiss could matter so much? Make us a better person? Help us flourish so we can care more?

Maybe my wife sees how caring for others sometimes makes me tired. How all the needs can overwhelm me. She sent me the following devotional from Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts , for Valentine’s Day and I thought you might enjoy it on this special day. I need to remember that all of her concerns for family, finances, my schedule, and her concerns weigh on her too.

“So, Man of Mine, when you come to me and tell me that one of the kids locked the keys in your truck — again — I see how your shoulders sag. How life wears at a man, how life weighs at a man.

We do that, you and I. We let the bulk of the details of a life press us down, drag us down… You had a production report to finish. Unopened bills stack on the desk by the phone with it’s blinking messages demanding answers. One of the kids is emotionally imploding.

This is hard.

There are 3 kids with piano lessons on Mondays, 2 with pick-up basketball on Wednesdays, and one kid who has get to back to the doctor this week to have his stitches taken out, and when do I just get to take you out?

When does a woman get to sit across the table from the man she gave her I do to — and not think about her to-do list?

When do we get to re-member why we fell in love and re-member us in a world that tries to dis-member us with the sharp edge of a thousand little things? When do we make it stop: Death by daily things can be painfully slow.

When is there time for us to do what will undo our coupled stress…?

What we really need to do is to make time. Yeah, I know: Time is a supreme gift — and the one thing nobody really wants to give to anybody. But I’m slowing down for you…. I decide you. I decide us…

So we’re the married fools committed to it now everyday, like our dance step through life’s minefield, a kiss. A long and slow 10 seconds. [The Real 5 Second Rule Times Two]

Bills. Laundry. Kids. Groceries. Kids. Dishes. Kids. Garbage. Errands. To-Do lists. Kids.

Kiss. A long and Slow 10 Seconds. [The Real 5 Second Rule Times Two] It could be the vow of the married: The 10 Second Kiss for Wedded Bliss.

And yeah, a kiss may not mean bliss — but it may mean a beginning? So there’s that: Every day we’ll kiss each other 10 seconds or longer — like we did at the altar. Like we have the time to be living sacrifices for each other…

Why we didn’t frame it and title the moment before? Because every married mother, every married father, ever married wage earner, mortgage maker, bill payer, needs to remember how they are still a married lover.

I have no idea why we haven’t done this before. No idea why they don’t tell you on your wedding day that there is a 'disproportionate amount of brain space taken up with processing information from the lips compared to the rest our our bodies and how even a light brush of the lips lights up a large part of our brain…

How didn’t we know that cortisol levels, which determines our stress levels, decreases after kissing. Who knew that the 10 Second kiss of Wedded Bliss nixes hours of stress. Who knew that locking of lips unlocks oxytocin, the hormone that makes us bond and keeps us bonded, keeps us attached, keeps us connected.

Yeah, our life is hard. And our love is stronger.”

(From One Thousand Gifts: Devotional on Finding Everyday Graces by Ann Voscamp, the February 12th reading.)

So, what every your caring role, in all your care for others, don’t forget your highest priority, to care for your spouse. Because when you do you are doing what is right. You also care for yourself and you stay healthy so you can continue to care for others.

Caring for people in the world we live in is how God changes the world.

Sat, 08 Feb 2025 15:21:27 GMT

We don't need to change the world.

We need to care for people in the world.

Then the world will change.

"We don't adopt the world. It has adopted us. We are in the world's embrace, for we partake of its culture, language and values.

Yet we don't need to accept all of its dictates. We can live in the world and be be guided by a different vision. Not only that, but we can also seek to change our world. This requires strenuous activism and even more strenuous resistance for the world will attempt to seduce those who walk to the sound of a different drum." ( Dare to Journey with Henri Nouwen, Charles Ringma, Reflection 153--The Midst of Life, Prayer and Activism. For more on Henri Nouwen click HERE ).

It seems, more days than not, the whole world is in crisis.

I sat with a couple, very dear friends of mine, whose son suffers with mental illness including psychotic breaks. The burden they carry for the son they love is a heavy one. There was a death at the local gym this week. The director texted and asked if I could meet with a very shaken staff. I got a similar message from someone in law enforcement. "Can you help some people in grief."

I'm sure people with similar needs sought you out.

But this is our world and it has adopted us. It is here and now we live our lives and conduct our ministries. The words of Queen Esther apply to us, "I was made for such a time as this."

How can we maintain our hearts of care and build sustainable ministries that make a difference in the world instead of being consumed by the turmoil that surrounds us?

The one with compassion and the strength to make a difference is "'the one who enters the center of the world and prays from there.' A new vision of life does not require the cloister. It can come from the midst of life, but only to the one who prays." (This is more from Dare to Journey, Reflection 153)

Caring people need to be praying people and praying people do not need to leave the world to pray, but enter into it. It is from the dark places we seek God. The prayer in the foxhole, beside the hospital bed, in the oncology clinic or with the grieving loved one, are raw, urgent, fervent and authentic. The parent of the prodigal child, the pastor who agonizes over his church's conflict or lack of growth and the person who suffers in need, will cry to God for help, strength, peace, hope and God's presence.

While this post is about prayer, it is even more about praying, living and ministering is a very troubled and overwhelming world.

How can I care when there are so many needs and they are so intense? "I don't feel like I am doing enough. I cannot fix things."

But if we remain faithful in the small things and the situations that God brings to us, even when they are dark and dangerous, we will be obedient to our calling and heroically minister to people with the greatest needs in the worst of circumstances.

Then God will change the world.

CANCERVERSARY

Sat, 25 Jan 2025 17:19:16 GMT

"You need to see oncology tomorrow."

You need to see oncology tomorrow." I got that call 4 years ago today.

It was surreal. I visit sick people. I don't get sick.

My cancer, Chondrosarcoma, had only one symptom. I had a minor ache in the back of my right leg when I would sit for a long time. That's normal for a 67 year old guy! Right? It turned out it was my tumor pressing on the sciatic nerve.

Since 1/25/2021 I have...

had a huge surgery (21" incision),
received hundreds of cards, thousands of prayers and countless well wishes by family and friends (CARE HELPS).
been through six months of in-patient, in-home and out patient therapy, and continue to stretch my "tight" hip.
made a remarkable recovery and
seven times I have received the "all-clear" after CT scans!

Cancer changes everything, even when you make a recovery. There is always the chance of recurrence, which is usually more dangerous than the first occurrence and now I know it can happen to me.

I have adjusted to the strange feelings in my hip that, according to my doctor, "Will be permanent reminders of what my body has been through."

For too many people a cancer diagnosis is the beginning of a life filled with radical adjustments and panful battles. The cancer diagnosis is the unwelcome beginning-of-the-end for some.

When one receives the news "you have cancer," it is a date that is unforgettable. Before I learned the word, I could feel the significance of the date stirring in my emotions. Instead of the excitement of a happy holiday, a vague and general sense of anxiety would simmer in my emotions. For me, it is a feeling of vulnerability and irritability that cancer is now part of my life. After four years, it still happens!

But my Cancerversary is also a time for profuse gratitude that I am cancer free and that I function normally.

When I exercise, go for a walk or mow the lawn, I not only recognize that I am cancer free, but that my doctor was exceptionally skilled and that, considering the size of my surgery, the crucial abilities to do those valued activities should not be taken for granted.

Also, I've known my doctor for four years now. We've had a bunch of conversations and, even though he has many patients, I feel like I'm his patient . He knows my name, my health history, reads my emails and helps me feel that he remains on top of my cancer and cares about my future.

So this cancerversary, I celebrate and salute Dr. Nathan Mesko, of the Cleveland Clinic.

You can see and hear him describe his specialties and passions on a brief video on the Cleveland Clinic website (https://my.clevelandclinic.org/staff/19071-nathan-mesko).

I'm thankful for Dr. Mesko and the Cleveland Clinic, one of the top hospitals in the world. The preparation, study, training, effort, organization, concentration, dedication, teambuilding, equipping... are beyond understanding and measure. I benefit with minimal understanding of all the expertise, excellence and effort that exists behind the scenes.

My cancerversary is personal. This cancer experience awakens in me the reality of the love and help of God and the value and support of friends and the blessing of exceptional medical treatment. I don't expect others to remember or understand what it means to me--I am still trying to figure out the full impact of my cancerversary.

But, this 4th Cancerversary, I will re-re-read the cards that have been sent, and in my email and this blog, I salute and give thanks for Dr. Mesko.

From now on, when I hear people talk about how many years they have been cancer free, or reminisce their day of diagnosis, surgery or chemo/radiation treatments, I will listen more attentively and ask them to describe the moods and details of that defining moment in their life.

By pausing to recognize someone's cancerversary, whether with tears or excitement, you will help them celebrate and feel cared for.

Faith that answers the hardest questions.

Sat, 18 Jan 2025 21:55:26 GMT

Caring expands our theology.

"There is a significant birthday coming up at my house, and I'm finding myself thinking about it quite often. When I do I feel a lump forming in my throat, and tears begin to burn behind my eyes.

Soon the day is coming when our daughter, Hope, would be ten... Our daughter's life was marked by days rather than years; she lived 199 days. In other words, there were not nearly enough of them, in my accounting. And as I'm anticipating what would have been her tenth birthday, I'm also anticipating the day that comes 199 days later--the day that will mark a decade since I have held her and known her. It feels like an ever-widening chasm as the years take me further away from her, even as they bring me closer to her.

Honestly I had not know much sorrow in my life before Hope introduced me to it. And one might think that in loving and losing her, I along with my husband, David, and my son Matt, had received our full share. But only two and a half years later we buried her brother Gabriel, who was born with the same fatal metabolic disorder as his sister had and lived a mere 183 days.

I don't remember all the specifics of what our pastor said the two times we stood at the grave where Hope and Gabe are buried together, but I do remember that what he said really mattered. At Hope's graveside service, he said something like, "This is the place where we ask, 'Is the gospel really true?" There was a deep yes inside me as he spoke, and I had been thinking about that question a lot in the months that led up to that difficult day" ( Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow , Nancy Guthrie, pp xiii, xiv).

Situations like Nancy's, thankfully, were absent from most of my life and ministry. It caused me to make the common mistake of an incomplete theology. While I studied about God and sought to have a meaningful relationship with him through prayer and worship, my faith was not very well connected to the reality of suffering and grief. Consequently my theology sought to produce a perpetual good mood filled with excitement while in pursuit of world changing results for God's kingdom. Therefore, my ministry was one dimensional and rather shallow.

"Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. and reality is where we meet God... Emotions are the language of the soul. They are the cry that gives the heart a voice... However, we often turn a deaf ear--through emotional denial, distortion, or disengagement. We strain out anything disturbing in order to gain tenuous control of our inner world. We are frightened and ashamed of what leaks into our consciousness. In neglecting our intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and lose a wonderful opportunity to know God." ( The Cry of the Soul , Dan Allender and Tremper Longman in The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero, p. 55).

When I entered the world of hospice as a chaplain, my shallow theology was exposed. As my skills to care for others grew, the personal benefit of discovering my own need for care grew also. Then my theology expanded to give meaning to the importance of care for people in suffering and experiencing the Savior who is "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." I saw a Gospel that came to meet us in our need, sin and brokenness.

Care is more than kindness toward those who suffer. It is the willingness to go to the pain and dark places with people and ask the hard question of where is God in the suffering.

Sometimes, I wish I was less involved in the world of loss and grief. I would prefer a more motivational and positive, or upbeat ministry. But, it is at the times of loss and grief when our theology is most tested and also becomes intimate, complete and transcendent. Then we can be honest in our emotions, more complete in our knowledge and closer to God in our experience. We become stronger and wiser. God's love is seen but so is His power to sustain, comfort and heal.

So, I will continue to walk alongside the hurting, disappointed, suffering and grieving. Opportunities abound. And when I see healing begin to take place, light start to shine in darkness and warmth in the cold, I will thank God for calling me into a caring ministry and enjoy the fruit of redeemed lives. And I will grow in my affection and worship for God who loves us enough to meet us in our sin, weakness, pain and redeems our losses.

A gentle light shines in the dark.

Fri, 06 Dec 2024 21:22:14 GMT

Let the light of the manger shine into your New Year.

He makes it possible for sorrow and joy

to live together in our lives so that we

experience hope, joy, peace and love.

We need the light of Christmas to shine into our New Year.

Loss and grief are painful. Words to describe them are inadequate and reasons to feel them are plentiful!

When they force their way into our lives there is a mixture of dark thoughts and feelings that cannot be ignored. Always bad, this pain is multiplied as we face a New Year. Sometimes we wonder how we will survive. Almost always our lives are changed so radically that we feel like a stranger in our own life and doubt we will ever be happy again.

All the while we long for hope, joy, peace and love and wonder if we will ever truly experience any of them.

We know it is foolish to hope that nothing bad will happen in the new year and that it is unhealthy to deny the losses that have already changed our lives.

Terrorism struck within a couple hours of this New Year. The L.A. firestorm consumes homes and lives with an appetite that cannot be satisfied. Pains are still fresh from recent losses. Old losses, ungrieved, have become chronic pain that produce misunderstood physical, mental, emotional and spiritual challenges. These losses are close to home, in our country and our lives. The losses globally are beyond measure.

So what are we to do?

The answer begins to come in this quote by my grief mentor, Karen Schoenhals. Karen worked as a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and experienced traumatic loss in her own life.

"To successfully grieve, not sinking into bitterness and despair, is to allow room in our hearts for both joy and sorrow to exist, to be experienced simultaneously, and to be openly acknowledged together. And the beauty of Christmas is Emmanuel, God with us, who lost everything when He came into this dark world to save us--to walk with us through our dark path of grief and give us joy."

What if we began our new year by counting our losses instead of making New Year resolutions?

At first it sounds so negative. Who wants to go there? No one!

But what it we could experience God in a new and powerful way when He feels closer than ever before, where He sheds His light in the darkest places of our lives and provides a comfort and healing that only He can give?

What if 2025 was the year when the wounds, losses and traumas of our past could be faced in a way that helped us live with hope, joy, peace and love. What if instead of asking, "Why does God allow suffering," we asked, "Where is he in our suffering?"

Grieving is identifying our loss and the pain that accompanies it. The we express the loss and pain we have identified. There is a three minute video, on the Best Care Ministry website (www.bestcareministry.com -- scroll to the bottom of the home page) that explains how we can do this with another person and/or with God in the "other chair." This is how you get through through the pain. It is hard work. But a miracle happens when you grieve. The pain does not go away, but your heart grows and makes room for loss and joy to live in the same life. This not the denial of loss nor its pain. Nor is it to look on the bright side. But we learn there is a place and room in our heart for both.

What if we find God in the suffering? What if our experience of God is so profound that our experience with God, who is close to the brokenhearted, helps us live and move forward through the hardship and grief of our loss. Life will be different. We will change. Our understanding of God and his love and care will transcend our circumstances. Eventually, we will live a truer life, with a bigger soul, a stronger love and a richer experience with God.

A weary world and your grieving soul will be able to rejoice, and hope, and love and experience peace.

Leave a comment or email me -- dan@bestcareministry.com. Together we can help each other and our world find the care that it desperately needs.

Thanksgiving is necessary even when it seems impossible.

Sat, 23 Nov 2024 17:48:29 GMT

Thanksgiving can get you through the toughest times.

Thanksgiving sometimes seems impossible. but is is always helpful.

The early Thanksgivings.

How the Pilgrims got through the winter of 1622 amazes me.

Their faith and courage, revealed in the Five kernels of Corn winter, challenges me to evaluate my faith in God and my understanding of Thanksgiving.

Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation

Two hundred years later, Lincoln's Thanksgiving proclamation stirred a nation ravaged by Civil War. War time, when a half million died and burned ruins marked the land, seems like the wrong time to be thankful. But thankfulness was just what a divided nation needed.

One paragraph seeks thankfulness while recognizing need.

This year's Thanksgiving

There are new reasons to be troubled this year, and old losses still are painful, especially as the holidays begin. Is thankfulness possible? How can thankfulness help us?

This year I am recovering for the recurrence of cancer with the impact of the surgery to treat it and I'm dreading facing the remaining tumor early next year. Plus, tomorrow I attend the funeral service for my 40 year old Pastor friend. I am thankful I can pray to a God who listens to my complaint, cares for my pain and gives hope for redemption.

Thankfulness can help one survive and find strength to keep living.

I hope your Thanksgiving is meaningful and joyful. Your care matters.

Saluting veterans always matters, even after they are gone.

Mon, 11 Nov 2024 22:09:26 GMT

What veteran are you honoring today.

The Navy Honor Guard beautifully rendered military honors at the funeral I officiated at Fort Logan Military Cemetery in Denver.

On a beautiful November morning, the sound of Taps stirred melancholy feelings as the Sailors, standing straight and serious held the flag tightly. Meticulously each fold was made. Precisely placed between the Sailor's hands the flag was ready for presentation to the eldest daughter.

One one knee, loud enough for everyone to hear, but with a gentle voice and sincere expression, he said, "On behalf of a President of the United States, the U.S. Navy and a proud nation, we are thankful for your father's service our country." It was a challenge to fight back the tears.

My favorite veteran, a POW from WWII after being shot down from a B17 on his 28th mission over Germany is pictured above. Dad is the second from the right on the bottom row.

Some day, I'm going to find a way to give my dad the honor he is due.

My Dad deserved similar honors, but my brother and I were handling arrangements from out of state and my elderly mother was barely processing his death. Their Pastor didn't seem to know this was available and the mortuary in Pennsylvania did a minimal job.

At the Denver Hospice, Cornelius E. Jones, Sr. was coming to the end of his earthly life. Chaplain Brian Tidd discovered that he had not received all the honors he deserved during the Korean War. Chaplain Brian wanted to make sure Cornelius received what he earned. After much effort he had the very special honor to, in uniform and with military honors, on behalf of President Barack Obama to an African-American soldier, present two bronze stars and one United Nations medal that were earned 61 years earlier. Unable to open his eyes, or speak, Mr. Jones lifted his hand and whispered, "Thank you."

Today, on November 11, Veterans day , care for a veteran by remembering he or she served. Your salute will mean a great deal to the Veterans that you know. Even if he or she is no longer with us, the honor is appropriate.

A little can do a lot

Sat, 26 Oct 2024 15:34:56 GMT

Your recurring donation of $25 a month

will help more people care.

What if we could . . . ?

Help the world be a more caring place?
Help the Church be the catalyst for that care, so the world discovers God's care?
Equip each person with the skills to care effectively in their world?

Together we can! Your support of $25 a month will help Best Care Ministry . . .

Produce materials that equip and empower people to care effectively.
Offer coaching, mentoring, ministry development and planning, and encouragement.
Give these services free of charge to ministries who cannot afford to pay for them or who are just discovering what effective care is all about.

Go to www.bestcareministry.com/donate.

Scroll down to make a donation as you are able, as God leads and according to your interest. Your care expressed with a financial donation with help to spread the message of caring for others.

There is more you can do to help Expand the Reach of Best Care Ministry!

Read and share my almost-every-week email. That email is about stories and topics related to care and directs you to my blog and the podcast. It is also easy to share. It is short so when you receive it take just a couple minutes to read it and the blog (about 200 words most weeks). ( www.bestcareministry.com/blog ). When you can, listen to the Who Cares? with Dan Hettinger Podcast episodes.

Share the email, blog and podcast with colleagues, family and friends. Hopefully they will share it too.

Share, and leave comments on the blog. T hat type of activity increases the algorithms so even more will see it. I’ve received good feedback, and several thousand people have visited but more engagement is needed.

Give me feedback and make recommendations. I will use what you say to continually refine and focus the content to make it most effective. You can also help me troubleshoot problems that consumers might not report.

When you are called on to care for someone in a difficult situation, know that I am available and eager to help you help them. I won’t tell you what to do but I will listen to you and work with you to figure out the best way to care for them.

Tell someone about us: your boss, leaders in your community, and pastor about Best Care Ministry and/or tell me about them so I can make the connection and build the relationship. Introduce me to organizations that could benefit from our material and/or compliment what we are trying to accomplish.

Pray for God to bless us and help the people we all care for. Caring for people is God’s work. He cares through us. Learning to care is a spiritual journey where we not only meet a practical need and learn actionable skills, but we also grow in our faith of God’s work in and through us.

To respond send me an email and tell me what you want to do. dan@bestcareministry.com

Your care matters!

Layers of care are needed after Helene

Sat, 19 Oct 2024 18:46:06 GMT

The emotional, mental, spiritual needs will last for a long time.

They are just as real as the immediate physical needs,

but less obvious.

My wife's immediate family lives in western North Carolina. Susan was there a few days before Helene. What was to follow was beyond anyone's imagination.

This story is one small example of people coming together to care for each other.

I think that in my lifetime the longest I have been without electrical power is eight hours. That was post covid during the supply chain issues and the power company needed a part for one of the local power plants. It was a little bit disconcerting. I felt vulnerable.

Susan's family was without power for 9 days.

In their Hendersonville, NC neighborhood, the little stream that trickled every other day, swelled into a swift flowing river. They managed to avoid the worst damage that devastated other parts of the region so they also survived personal harm that affected others, not far away.

But the high waters there and in the surrounding area trapped them from leaving the neighborhood. For over a week they could not get to the store and needed to survive on what they had on hand for food and supplies. Completely surprised by the storm's impact, most did not have a lot of goods stockpiled. Perishables could not be preserved without electricity.

So they pulled together as a neighborhood to meet the practical needs.

There was one family with a generator. They took turns using it just long enough to keep the refrigerators cold enough to do their job. They shared food and grils and had neighborhood meals, picnic style. Those who were able, removed the trees and branches fallen from the storm and debris from the overflowing stream.

I would like to know what they talked about or how their relationships changed. As appropriate and as I am able, I will take note and perhaps share it with you.

Their need and this disaster was their bond.

This band of neighbors, not organizations, worked together during these nine days. They knew each other, but were not necessarily close in their relationships. They did not go to church together or work at the same business. Their ages were different and so were their interests. I don't know about their politics. One things is sure, their basic needs were the same.

When the shock wears off and the pain sets in, they will share a different type of need.

As in grief from a death, the initial shock is somewhat a gift as it numbs the emotions enough to deal with the immediate crisis and get through the first couple of weeks and tend to the immediate needs.

Then when life is supposed to return to normal, but it cannot, the acute emotional pain sets in. Sadness, anger, despair become so heavy a person becomes a stranger in their own life, wondering how they can continue in their new circumstances that they do not like and did not ask for. Feelings of vulnerability and questions of God's goodness often come to the surface.

A different type of care will be needed for a long time.

Those of us less affected will be able to care for them in the obvious ways by volunteering, perhaps with Samaritans Purse, or sending money and praying for their comfort, faith and hope.

But we also need to find ways to care for them with the essential skills of caring: being present, listening to their stories and being patient as they live with the scars from experiencing losses from a natural disaster. The memories will last for years after the immediate physical needs are resolved.

There will not be enough social workers nor mental health professionals to go around or last long enough to meet all the needs.

We all need to be aware of opportunities to help and look for ways to offer presence, listening, and patient care.

The immediate outpouring of support is encouraging. May God add to the number of skilled caring people and help us to be willing to walk alongside people in their less obvious and longer lasting needs .

Your care matters!

Caring for an emotionally tired, and spiritually confused world.

Sat, 28 Sep 2024 17:33:24 GMT

"Massive exposure to human misery often leads to psychic numbness." Nouwen, McNeill and Morrison in Compassion .

When we believe we are equipped and confident to care for someone we are also energized and empowered.

That is just what we need at this time of emotional fatigue and spiritual confusion.

In the book, Compassion , the authors articulate, better than anyone I have heard, the emotional state of our world and how we got here. So, I give you a couple pages from their book, pp 50-53 to help us understand the problem and realize there is something very important we can do.

" One of the most tragic events of our time is that we know more than ever before about the pains and sufferings of the world and yet are less and less able to respond to them. Radio, television, and newspapers allow us to follow from day to day--even from hour to hour--what is happening in the world. We hear about terrorism, armed conflicts and wars, assassinations, earthquakes, droughts and floods, famines and epidemics, concentration camps and torture chambers, and countless other forms of human suffering close to home or far away. Not only do we hear about them but also we are daily presented with pictures of starving babies, dying soldiers, burning houses, flooded villages and wrecked cars. The news seems to have become an almost ceaseless litany of human suffering. The question is, do these highly sophisticated forms of communication and this increasing amount of information lead to a deeper solidarity and a greater compassion? It is very doubtful. (My emphasis.)

Can we really expect a compassionate response from the millions of individuals who read the paper during breakfast, listen to the radio on the way to work, and watch television after returning home tired from their work in offices or factories? Can we reasonably expect compassion from the many isolated individuals who are constantly being in the privacy of their homes or cars of the vast extent of human suffering?

There appears to be a general assumption that it is good for people to be exposed to the pain and suffering of the world. Not only do newspapers and news broadcasts seem to act on the assumption but also most organizations whose main concern is to help suffering people...

We might ask, however, whether mass communication directed to millions of people who experience themselves as small, insignificant, powerless individuals does not in fact do more to harm that good. (My emphasis again.) When there is no community that can mediate between world needs and personal responses, the burden of the world can only be a crushing burden. When the pains of the world are presented to people who are already overwhelmed by the problems in their small circle of family or friends, how can we hope for a creative response? What we can expect is the opposite of compassion: numbness and anger.

Massive exposure to human misery often leads to psychic numbness. Our minds cannot tolerate being constantly reminded of things which interfere with what we are doing at the moment. When we have to open our store in the morning, go about our business, prepare our classes, or talk to our fellow workers, we cannot be filled with the collective misery of the world. If we let the full content of newscasts enter into our innermost selves, we would become so overwhelmed by the absurdities of existence that we would become paralyzed. If we try to absorb all that is reported by the paper, radio, or television and all that bombards us on the computers and cell phones, we would never get any work done. Our continued effectiveness requires a mental filtering system by which we can moderate the impact of the daily news.

But there is more. Exposure to human misery on a mass scale can lead not only to psychic numbness but also to hostility. This might seem strange, but when we look more closely at the human response to disturbing information, we realize that confrontation with human pain often creates anger instead of care, irritation instead of sympathy and even fury instead of compassion. (My emphasis.) Human suffering, which comes to us in a way and on a scale that makes identification practically impossible, frequently evokes strong negative feelings...

How can we account for this psychic numbness and anger? Numbness and anger are the reactions of the person who says, ' When I can't do anything about it anyhow, why do you bother me with it?' (My emphasis.) Confronted with human pain at the same time reminded of our powerlessness, we feel offended to the very core of our being and fall back on our defenses of numbness and anger. If compassion means entering into solidarity with human beings who are suffering, there the increasing presentation of human suffering by the news media does not serve to evoke compassion. Those who know most about what goes on in the world--those who devote such attention to computers, newspapers, radio, and television--are not necessarily the most compassionate people...

Therefore, the question is , how can we see the suffering in our world and be moved to compassion as Jesus was moved when he saw a great crowd of people without food (Mt 14:14)? This question has become very urgent at a time when we see so much and are moved so little." (My emphasis.)

My short answer is, "Be prepared to do something compassionate so you will be confident that your care is making a difference."

While we have a lot of big problems in the world, the solution is probably going to come from a lot of people doing small things.

Throughout my life I've made the mistake of thinking the world had to be better, systems and measurements needed to be different and people should to be more agreeable for me to achieve the results that I desire. All of those changes would be wonderful, but if I wait for them, I will fall into the psychic numbness and hostility described in Compassion.

It has been my immeasurable blessing to have had many opportunities, due to my jobs, to care for people in a variety of needs and settings. One of the greatest rewards was the energy that I felt from seeing my efforts made a difference in someone's life. That was when I offered myself, or heard God offer me the opportunity, to help more people engage in caring for people in the ways that I had learned from wise Clinical Pastoral Education instructors and skilled colleagues and peers in the various caring roles.

But as excited as I was to share a few years ago what I had learned, and distill my experience into training materials with essential caring skills and disciplines, I had no idea that we would get to this angry place in our culture where care is needed more than ever.

Now I recognize that equipping people to care does more than offer care to care receivers, but energizes care givers with the confidence that they are making a difference. I'm motivated to get "The 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes A Difference" to as many people as possible, but I'm enjoying rolling it out now in 1-1 relationships and watching the light go on in the minds and faces of the people I"m working with.

(I'll finish this post soon.)

How can I be full when the world is almost empty when it comes to care.

Sat, 14 Sep 2024 12:52:20 GMT

We can increase our capacity to care.

I experienced it. Compassion fatigue.

That is when I thought, "I don't think I can handle another problem or a person in need."

It can happen on a personal level or in a broad and cultural way.

If the culture is empty it is because most people are empty, whether for individual or general reasons. In reverse, if many people are empty due to their personal needs, who has the capacity to care for victims of a war, or hurricane, earthquake or whatever?

In this post I focus on the personal level and save the burden of mass-scale-human-misery for another post--perhaps the next one. If you want to read ahead, check out the book Compassion , by Nouwen, Mcneill and Morrison, pp 51, 52

Some events drain you quickly.

My family suffered the tragic loss of suicide. My care-capacity was quickly "maxed-out'. The magnitude of the situation revealed my inadequacy to comfort those who were closer than I was to the person and event. There was also my own sadness and many unanswered questions that kept me looking for answers that would not come.

That is when it struck me. I have a limited capacity to care.

The accident happened at rush hour. The roads were full of people heading home from work. An understandable mistake took place in the large intersection with turning lanes, two lanes in each direction and right turn lanes. She clipped a truck when she was trying to turn left. The truck veered off the road and hit a pedestrian and a light pole. The pedestrian suffered catastrophic injuries in a scene that upset even the first responders and hospital staff. Family and friends were understandably traumatized.

When the patient arrived at our Emergency Department, I was the Chaplain-On-Call. It was my responsibility to oversee the staging of receiving family and friends, communication from the trauma surgeon to the family and support for the one who caused the accident but who only had a minor injury.

This lovely woman could have been my wife, or daughter, a friend or neighbor. She suffered a different type of trauma because her life changed because a mistake that dramatically changed another person's life.

A few weeks passed, and I could not "get-over" this situation. My heavy heart, perhaps low-grade-depression, would not go away. I knew I need to do something about it.

No one has an unlimited capacity to care. Effort must be taken to keep the care-tank filled up.

People who care for people in need will at one time or another face compassion fatigue. They want and need to care but they face so many needs and and/or needs with such profound pain that they reach the point where they cannot care any more. With sheer will-power they may perform their duties, but the energy and compassion has been reduced to an exhausting responsibility.

The two situations I faced are personal examples I share because I know how they affected me. But, they only introduce the problem caused in a thousand different ways. Sometimes it is a life altering injury, long term recoveries, chronic pain and illnesses, a terminal diagnosis...

I am thankful that, as a Chaplain, I am in the caring profession where our emotional, mental, spiritual and physician health is addressed. Sometimes in church and volunteer settings this is overlooked.

Here are three places to start when you are suffering from compassion fatigue.
1. Receive Care.

Care matters enough to give it. Realize that you need to be cared for too.

After the suicide, when I read the e-mails sent to me by colleagues, their validation of my pain strengthened me. More people than I can count or remember, from my church, texted me, sent cards and e-mails, spoke kind words and gave long extended hugs that shared my burden of grief and lightened my load--a different way to increase capacity is to share the burden. A church in our Care Ministry Network sent me a card and everyone on the staff personally expressed their condolences. When I serendipitously met two of them at a Starbucks the sincerity of their care brought great comfort. I can't explain it or measure it, but I know I needed it and when I accepted it, my capacity to care was refreshed.

If you are in a good place now, look for someone who needs to be cared for and care for them with your presence. Yesterday I received a text from someone I support, "I wanted to let you know just how grateful I am for you."

2. Do something physical.

Maybe it is the endorphins that come from strenuous exercise or that physical activity is different than emotional exertion, but when I finished my jog, I was physically tired but emotionally relieved. I know one jog does not fix grief or emotional pain, but it does increase our emotional capacity in much the same way as it increases our physical fitness.

If jogging is not your thing, go for a walk or work in the garden. Plant some flowers or build something in your shop. It is something different from the care that provides a distraction from the stress and/or a pleasure from the measurable accomplishment, but it is also a place to experience God in a different way.

3. Seek God's closeness. Thankfully God is available at all times and every situation but we need to make a quiet space dedicated to the spiritual discipline of devotion--scripture and prayer. Journalling is an important part of this for me. Writing helps me focus my thoughts and prayers. Many times when I start writing I don't have the words. But as I begin to write they come, and often, surprise even me, and I feel God's presence, see His work and hear Him speaking to me.

Seeking and experiencing God's presence expands our soul, strengthens our heart, gives peace to our mind and rest to our bodies so we can give our all when we care for a person in need. The 1st Essential to Care (from The 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes a Difference) , is "Have a Nature to Care," or in other words, be full of God in you so His love flows out of you.

The world feels unstable, irritable and fragile. But, care works. Your care matters.

You might be tempted to feel and believe your acts of care and compassion for someone are not enough in a world that is spinning out of control. But they matter more than you know. Your worth and God's work in and through you is valuable beyond measure. (Ephesians 3:20, 21).

It is true, people don't care what you know, if they don't know that you care. But when the world"s emotional and spiritual tank is empty and weary from the struggle, they will respond to your love and care and find the Hope that they need.

Keep your tank full, because your care matters!

(I John 4:7-11, Hebrews 10:24, Galatians 5:22)

Caring for people is essential work.

Sun, 01 Sep 2024 22:59:47 GMT

Your labor is not in vain.

It is Labor Day weekend, a holiday set aside to celebrate the social and economic achievements of the American worker. That is a work force worth celebrating!

But, beyond the well known jobs in manufacturing, technology, agriculture, food services, public utilities, and many other well known fields of labor and service, with a measurable R.O. I ., is the very important work you are involved in, caring for people.

The value of your work is beyond measure and so is the intensity of the work .

So, this weekend, I celebrate you. Let's celebrate each other, and realize, God celebrates and rewards you too.

10 God is not unjust;
he will not forget your work
and the love you have shown him
as you have helped his people
and continue to help them.
Hebrews 6:10

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend.

You've been working hard. Your labor matters. I hope you get some rest this weekend, and I hope you are encouraged to know God sees, and will not forget your work!!!

Depression affects a lot of people. Here are 10 identifiers of clinical depression and 7 ways you can care for the depressed.

Sat, 24 Aug 2024 14:01:08 GMT

You don't need to be the expert to offer care and make a difference.

Our cafe' was packed when we offered a class on Depression.

Dr. Michael Ballard, from Grace Counselling, taught a session of Continuing Education for our Stephen Ministers. We opened it to the congregation and community. The title was, "Understanding Depression and Caring for Someone Who is Depressed."

Some in the class battle depression and others care for someone who is depressed, either as a Stephen Minister or as a family member or friend. Depression is "going around."

Everybody experiences episodes of "the blues." Grief causes deep sadness and there are many events that trigger anger, anxiety and other dark emotions that most of us would prefer to avoid even though we can not. Fortunately these feelings subside and as long as we avoid regrettable behavior during the episode, we will get through it without too much trouble.

But, clinical depression is beyond an episode of the blues.

Dr. Ballard led a discussion that produced key identifiers of clinical depression. It is more than and episode of "the blues." Next is the list I recorded it in my notes.

Can't sleep.
Change in appetite.
Sluggishness and/or restlessness.
Isolation.
Lack of pleasure in things that were once enjoyed.
Flat emotion.
Lack of concentration.
Sad mood--extended.
Thinking about death. Not necessarily suicide ideation, but curiosity about the next life due to the darkness of this life.
Crying spells, often with little to no reason.

"It is a two ton wet blanket covering the depressed person, who needs help getting out from under it."

I had a conversation with Patrick Jeter when he was a therapist at Denver Springs Behavior and Addictive Hospital. That is how he described depression.

Both therapists emphasize the need for validation, non-judgement, presence, support in very basic needs and avoiding the tendency to have all the answers.

Often the clinically depressed person need professional help. Our best efforts to care for them do not seem to be enough and they are stuck in a deep pit. Perhaps meds are required.

But, in every case the essential caring skills are useful that reveals the relevance of care ministry .

They can be a great support to people during their clinical treatments and in many cases are adequate without professional help. In the 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes a Difference, we see how we can make a difference, even if we are not in the professional world of the licensed therapist or the clinical psychiatrist.

Allow God's love for the depressed to grow in you and flow through you. God loves the depressed person. He is close to people in their darkest times and it is then that He does his most memorable work.
Focus on others. This is hard with the depressed person because they can really bring down the mood. But when we are focused on others, the most important question is is, what is their need, not how do they make me feel.
Be present . Isolation makes depression worse. Just to have someone available or present will make a difference. The depressed person tends to feel misunderstood and that they are in this alone. Having someone who cares for them is valuable beyond measure.
Listen extremely . Don't try to cheer them up. Listen to how bad they feel. This can be tortuous for the happy person to listen to the complaining of a depressed, glass half empty, gloomy person, but this is a necessary step toward the door to a better place. At some point, when they feel heard, they will even hear themselves. Probably they do not what to be where they are and they will begin to take more steps in the right direction.
Practice patience. I'm sorry, but there is no quick fix. This will take time, perhaps a long time. When we read the Psalms 11, 22, 44 and other Psalms of lament, it is clear that the dark place of the psalmist is not someone having a bad day. It was an extended dark time.
Don't do it alone. To avoid getting caught in the darkness and to protect yourself from mistakes of trying to fix the person, or not refer to a professional when they need that level of help, have someone you trust, preferably a pastor or care ministry leader, who will listen to your account of the caring relationship.
Be ready. Depression is "going around." There are a lot of triggers in our world right now that push people toward dark emotional places.

At this dynamic and troubled time in history, if we make caring effectively for people a priority, sharpen our skills and offer the best care, we will make a difference and be the most sought after people in our community.

What can we do that will help with depression? Here are 20 things from Dr. Ballard.

Sat, 24 Aug 2024 00:32:21 GMT

There is no quick fix,

but there are things we can do for the depressed.

During Covid the number of clinically depressed nearly tripled! Nearly one of every four people in our community was suffering from depression.

Some of those affects linger and now, in a polarized political environment, and with wars raging and others threatening, there are additional causes. Here are four things that contributed to the Covid-era spike. In my next post we will look at the connection of politics and depression.

Isolation. "Stay at home."
Unpredictability. "I don't know how to plan."
Sudden end to activities. Unprecedented in our life time.
Financial impact. Lack of money makes everything worse. Poor people lack access to tools and resources. Circumstances are overwhelming.

Dr. Michael Ballard of Grace Counselling identified these points before his talk on what to do about depression . He was talking to the Stephen Ministers at my church at our monthly Continuing Education session.

Depression is more than a bad mood. A person can not just snap our of it .

There are not three easy steps to get over it. We should not blame people for being depressed. He covered the difficulty of depression in a previous session and I referred to that in the previous post.

However there are things we can do when battling depression or supporting someone who is depressed. But before we can get to what we can do he gave us these warnings.

This is not a list we should stuff under the nose of a depressed person.
We should listen first.
Seek to understand where they are in their depression.
Make sure they feel that they have been validated as a person and heard regarding their emotional pain.

Here is a Dr. Ballard's top 20 list of things we can do to fight depression.

1. Get outside. See the sun. Feel the wind. Be alive.

2. Be around other people, especially "up" people.

3. Do the opposite of what the depression voice says. "I just need to sleep until I feel like doing something." Instead, get up and so something--go for a walk, make coffee, do a load of laundry...

4. Set small attainable goals. Take baby steps.

5. Do something, even just one thing. Make it attainable and a little uncomfortable. Action is the goal not comfort. Action will bring the comfort later.

6. Listen to music.

7. Exercise.

8. Eat healthy regular meals.

9. Limit alcohol.

10. Pay attention to sleep.

11. Get a routine. Establish rituals.

12. Accept yourself for where you are. You are where you are and it is the direction you go that matters now. Bemoaning the current condition only makes matters worse.

13. Challenge your negative thoughts. My thinking affects my mood. That is called cognitive behavioral therapy.

14. Take on responsibility even before you feel better. But, not too much.

15. Do something new.

16. Do something you enjoy.

17. Volunteer to help others.

18. Practice gratitude. Be thankful for three things every day.

19. Spend time in quiet, contemplative prayer accompanied by reading Scripture. (My addition...Psalms and Proverbs)

20. Look into counselling and, possibly as a final result, medication.

Especially during during tumultuous times that stimulate spikes in depression these actions deserve the attention of all of us.

Use some or all of Dr. Ballard's top 20 list for self care to prevent or address your depression. More than a list to fight depression, they are actions that lead to health and productivity.

The The 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes a Difference , are a great foundation for using Dr. Ballards top 20. When you are practicing Extreme Listening, many of the Top 20 can be the content of your open ended questions as you are learning their story. "What do you enjoy?" "How is your rest?" "How can I support you in gratitude and prayer?"

There is hope. We can do something to fight depression and help others get through it. Caring for people matters!

A fire never says "enough."

Thu, 01 Aug 2024 19:10:31 GMT

The hotter they get, the hungrier they get and

the more they burn, the more they want.

“A fire never says, ‘Enough.’”

Those words are found in the Bible--Proverbs chapter 30, verse 16—and I believe them! Fires consume and the hotter they get the hungrier they get. The more they burn the more they want and the stronger they get the more they take. The more they take the more we lose and grief comes from our losses.

"Please pray. The fire is close to our house and the ministry offices." This email from a friend near the Alexander Mountain near loveland Colorado, reminded me of the Hayman fire. That was a week from Hell for me and a group of my close friends.

Our next door neighbor went to the hospital for knee surgery a few days before the fire started. She was not only our neighbor but had become a dear friend and was the first convert to Christ from the ministry of the new church we were planting.

The Sunday the smoke began to fill the sky her husband came home from his visit at the hospital and said Ginnette had a stroke. The next day he called weeping. "Something terrible is wrong. Please pray." She was unresponsive. The neurologist, soon broke the bad news that the stoke was catastrophic and not compatible with life. We lost Ginnette the first week of the Hayman fire.

The ominous brown skies that blocked with Sun with smoke matched our moods. Someone precious was being taken from us. Like a fire that never gets enough, so death's appetite is never satisfied. It keeps taking.

When natural disasters like a wildfire take from us, other losses and problems do not stop, they just feel worse and more overwhelming.

Fires make us feel unsafe. We are sad for people who need to evacuate, or lose their home or worse their life. Natural disasters can affect the mood of an entire nation.

In care ministry we sit with people in their losses and grief. During a natural disaster everyone needs to grieve but many don't know it and they don't know how to grieve. Thankfully the Red Cross and many wonderful people spring into action to address practical needs, but for all who are grieving there are not enough of us to address those emotional needs. But, when we allow people to grieve their losses by asking open-ended questions and listening to their story, we are bringing relief, one person at a time, to a grieving world. When we equip that person to "comfort with the comfort they received" we are building a culture that care. Some times, we need a crash course on that.

This sad and overwhelming time holds unique opportunities to expand the reach of care.

When you help even one person,it might not feel like enough, but it matters. Our caring is part of the battle against the fires while supporting all of the normal losses that challenge our well being.

Your care matters! You can contact me directly to discuss how we can support people who are experiencing loss. dan@bestcareministry.com

Life is full of surprises when you are ready to care.

Wed, 24 Jul 2024 17:48:46 GMT

"Cool shades."

"Want them?"

"Sure. They will..."

Sometimes I miss the opportunity. This one I was ready for.

We passed on the sidewalk.

My town is good for walking so I was rucking home after getting a haircut.

There was nothing especially noticeable about him at first.

I nodded and said, "Hi."

We kept walking in opposite directions and he said, "Cool shades."

"Want them?"

I just felt like I should give them to him. There was nothing especially noticeable about him at first but after he quickly accepted my offer and we were facing each other I noticed that he looked like his life might be a hard one.

"They will protect me," he said.

"Protect you from what?" I asked.

"Evil."

"I don't think sunglasses do that. But I believe I know who does? May I tell you a story from when I was a chaplain in a psychiatric hospital?"

"Yes. I was just released from a psych hospital."

"There was a patient that some considered the 'sickest' one we ever had. The first time he passed me in the hospital he said, 'Hail Satan.' I didn't want to trigger him so I kept my distance, but after about a week one of our nurses thought he might be ready for a visit with me. I introduced myself and he did invite me to sit and talk with him. We didn't talk for long. I mostly listened but he did ask some questions about God and Satan. I answered with one question, 'Who do you think Jesus is?' He replied, 'The Son of God.' We didn't talk much more, but the good news is, the next time I came in he was calmly sitting in a chair reading his Bible. He greeted me warmly and apologized for his previous bad behavior. The clinical people believed the meds started working. I believe something spiritual began working. Probably both were true."

So, my new acquaintance, with his new pair of sunglasses who was looking for protection from evil, was open and receptive to my story. I told him to keep taking his meds. I also told him that when he is tormented by evil to say, "Jesus is the Son of God."

The result is immeasurable.

If I see him again and the opportunity presents itself, maybe we will start a prayer and study peer group in his boarding house. But if I never see him again, I am thankful for this encounter on the sidewalk. I don't know the result, and may never know if anything good was accomplished. I do know that he got the sunglasses he wanted, and I felt good to see him feel good that somebody paid attention to him and gave him something that he wanted.

I also realize that some situations with strangers are dangerous and should be avoided, but these fears should not keep us from all engagements with strangers and troubled people.

The 7th Essential of Care to be ready !

"Have your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace." Ephesians 6:15

When we invite God to make us a caring person and ask him to bring people across our path that He wants us to care for, we will enjoy the surprises that come our way. Caring often takes place in programs and events that are planned, structured and scheduled--they are valid and full of surprises too. But most of the time, it is in the normal events of living life that everyone will be used by God to make a difference in the life of someone. It might be a good deed for a neighbor, offering a smile to an elderly person, giving a compliment to a colleague, being present with a person in grief, rendering aid at an accident or engaging with a troubled and lonely person.

Wonderful, life impacting opportunities will come to those who are ready .

God works that way!

Your care matters!

Practical strategies that helps groups care for special needs.

Thu, 18 Jul 2024 13:51:46 GMT

Intensive care can overwhelm a group without a good plan.

Here is a resource to develop a good plan.

Most small groups, or even churches, are not adequately equipped for intensive care.

Churches care about people, but that does not mean they know how to care for people.

Small groups that are made to provide care for people in a congregation, often, are not really set up to care for people with long term and specialized needs. The structure and agenda of the church and/or small groups is primarily about how to help things run smoothly with people who fit into the structure. Instead of bringing our difficult needs that present a challenge, we are expected to be low maintenance and make a contribution.

One of my good friends had twin daughters. Colds or flu went through the family but one of the twins got seriously ill. Her condition worsened and to the shock and horror of her parents, their baby girl died. We all grieved with them and their grief was overwhelming. Over the years and through their grieving process they reengaged with life and were able to function in a successful and happy life.

But, even as they recovered, and when they needed care the most, they avoided small groups. The crowd-breakers and tell us about your family introductions or answering the question, "tell us your biggest challenge" were be too heavy for the average group to bear.

Special needs, also, often overwhelm groups. It is common for a family with an autistic child to avoid church altogether.

There is help.

Thankfully there are organizations with skilled and compassionate people that help churches and groups prepare to care effectively, even for needs as intense and demanding as a special need. Many times, their passion has grown from their own experience.

Tory White , is a speaker, trainer and writer of materials that will help your ministry deal with intense needs. WITH MINISTRIES is the organization she works for -- www.withministries.org . If you subscribe to their Access for $15/month you will receive resources like the recording of her webinar on Community Teams .

Following is practical information about Community Teams which can apply to a church or function within a small group. Along with this material written by Tory , more resources are mentioned that you can use to organize groups that will provide intensive care.

Care groups are nothing new. Stephanie Hubach mentions them in her book Same Lake Different Boat , and there are other books entirely about care groups published in the last thirty years. One way a friend of mine describes the concept is that Small Groups are the proactive way of community support, and Interdependent Community Teams are the reactive way of meeting needs that erupt.

In Worship As One: Varied Abilities in the Body of Christ , I (Tori) wrote the chapter on Interdependent Community Teams , laying out how a 4-week rotation can work to meet practical needs. This makes the need meeting specific, time-limited, and an easy ask for a once-a-month commitment, and immediately means no one is responsible alone for meeting the need. It also means that at least 5 people are now involved, forming a diverse community of individuals who each bring their own gifts, passions, abilities, and weaknesses or support needs. There is potential for beautiful symbiotic relationships to form. In my experience as a person who needed a team, and as a person who has joined others' teams, I've experienced growth in relationship with those involved.

These teams can be how support is provided during church services, like a 1:1 buddy/sidekick/aide/partner, a ride to church, or much more. It may seem daunting to think of supporting even one individual during the few hours a week at church, let alone an entire family’s needs on an ongoing basis. However, whether for “at or around church” or extending further into everyday life here's a simple Ready-Set-Go system for activating community.

Ready?

Start with listening to what the individual and/or family are open to. Emphasize your desire that they contribute to the community, as well as your joy at coming alongside them in their situation. You may want to gather specifics about the needs you have discovered are present, so you can effectively form a community team. These are the kinds of questions you could ask: Would this family like a few meals? How often? Are there dietary restrictions? Do they need rides? When? For how many people? At this point, you may also want to pass the baton of leadership for this team to a team leader. (more on that in a moment).

Set! (the tone)

Every group of people united for a purpose needs to take time to celebrate together. This allows the group to bond, relate, relax, and refresh. And of course, food helps! Especially for a group that has continued on for many years, a regular gathering at least once a year is necessary and enjoyable. A new group should gather once initially to meet one another. It is quite likely that many of the team members don’t know one another, and some may not even know the family or individual well. They should gather again in no less than six months to celebrate what is working well and to discuss necessary changes; new ways of sharing information; brainstorming ideas for the group; whether to add, subtract, or replace team members, evaluate needs on the list, or talk about any other details. When a team is no longer needed, it can be an absolute delight to have a closing celebration as well.

Some people are better at asking for and receiving help than others. Some people are way too good at it. A community team puts structure to the needs that have been identified with the help of at least one person outside of the immediate situation and that can be met by a variety of people. The family or individual may need a bit of coaching in what is appropriate to ask for or in how to receive graciously.

Go!

We think of the roles of a community team as parts of the body. The heart is the individual or family, who is expressing needs, integral to the planning, and who is most celebrated. The central nervous system is the team leader, that person who connects the needs with the practical way to meet them, coordinates information, and communicates with everyone. Hands and feet are the other team members who are making things happen, saying yes to those tasks each can do, and saying no to the tasks that aren’t a good fit.

Where in your community is someone in need of a team so that they are not overwhelmed with caregiving, their own needs, or is experiencing a crisis?

Best Care Ministry too.

Letting you know about caring resources, including Tory White and With Ministries , is one thing I am excited to do.

Whether you are training small group leaders, deacons, or community teams to address a need, I am confident that my new material, The 7 Essentials for Caring Effectively , will equip and empower your people to care with confidence.

Your care matters. Let's build a culture of care.

Why didn't people stop? Didn't they care?

Mon, 08 Jul 2024 21:42:05 GMT

We stopped. And just one other guy. That was all.

It was the 4th of July. We were driving into our old neighborhood and two motorcycles were a short distance ahead of us.

Everything seemed fine as they took the left turn into their apartments.

Suddenly I saw one of the riders rolling across the sidewalk and his motorcycle was down.

He went a little wide and hit the curb.

My wife and I, now just past the scene, made a quick u-turn, pulled off the road and went to the fallen rider. One other man stopped. I think he was an off duty fireman.

That was all.

It was a beautiful neighborhood, on a holiday with plenty of people passing by. But nobody else stopped.

Fortunately, his injuries seemed to be bruises. His helmet left skid marks on the sidewalk. It would have been horrible if he wasn't wearing one.

As he slowly got back on his feet and began to regain his bearings, it was apparent he would survive to rid another day. We helped him get his motorcycle up and leaned it on the kickstand so he could assess the damage.

Then he thanked us for stopping. That's when it struck me. As obvious as the need was, nobody else stopped.

I don't know why at least a few more didn't stop, or at least slow down and ask it they needed to call 911. It was a holiday. People were getting together with friends for cookouts and and to watch the fireworks. How could they miss seeing a person in need?

It seems that even more than working on caring skills, we need to increase our capacity to even want to care. That addresses a deeper need and a bigger problem.

Has our culture become so overwhelmed by the vast amount of needs in our world, most that are beyond our solving, that we have given up on caring at all?

In this blog post I simply raise the question based on what I saw. I know there are many caring ministries, and social programs focused on needs. There are many dedicated and compassionate people working to help. But often, the needs are greater than the resources and the volunteer base needs to grow.

Even more, many of our social problems would cease to exist if people cared better for those closest to them at home, at work, in the neighborhood, at church or on the highway.

I'm thankful for the two of us who stopped, and for all the caring people there are and every situation I encounter when I see people caring for others. I'm thankful, beyond words, that God is a caring God and we are "the sheep of his pasture, the flock under his care." (Psalm 95:7)

So, what do you think we need to do to increase our capacity to care so that we are known for our care and everyone feels God's love and care?

Your care matters.

Two important anniversaries. 25 years and 47 years, both marked with moves.

Sat, 29 Jun 2024 22:49:16 GMT

You didn't bring me this far to only bring me this far!

Twenty five years ago this week, we packed up everything we owned and moved from Atlanta, Georgia to Castle Rock, Colorado.

Our entire lives and ministry had been lived and worked up and down the eastern part of the United States. Other than a couple exploratory trips, we had never even visited the West, let alone lived there.

A move like that might sound exciting, but for me it was terrifying.

The move was the first time we made the drive up to Interstate 70, then turned West to drive through Indiana, Illinois, Missouri and Kansas before we came to Colorado. And Eastern Colorado is more like Kansas than the images of the Rocky Mountains that we expect from Colorado.

Every mile we drove I felt more like a stranger in my new world. Everything I owned, was in two trucks and a car.

Moving is expensive. The denomination that commissioned us to plant a church in "South Denver" (that covered a lot of territory) offered us a moving allowance, but only enough to cover the costs if we did it ourselves. So we rented a big Ryder truck, hired a driver and, with the help of our neighbors packed every inch of it. With a small truckload of "stuff" remaining we rented another truck and I drove it while my wife drove the car from our familiar setting in Georgia to our strange new setting in Colorado.

We knew no one.

My wife, our 12 year old son and our 4 year old daughter, all of us knew no one. For the first time we were separated as a family. Our oldest son, 18, stayed back with his job and for a church missions trip.

What if something went wrong at the closing? What if the denomination changed it's mind and/or ability to support us? What if no one out there is interested in starting a church? This was a parachute in church plant -- no core group. Not a sending church with a group of people. Just the four of us blazing a trail, utterly and completely dependent on God for things to work out.

My first rodeo.

July 1, 1977, twenty two years earlier, I packed up my little Mercury Comet with my stereo, a few boxes of books and a couple suitcases of clothes. I left my parents and the house where I grew up and moved to Warren, Ohio to follow God's calling into full-time ministry. I had just graduated from Bible College. After I landed the job by sharing my idealistic vision of what ministry should be, I experienced the first-day-horror of realizing I had no idea how to do it. A month later I married Susan, my sweetheart from college.

A time for celebration.

Now in 2024, I celebrate these anniversaries full of gratitude to God that we not only survived, but enjoyed many small, but significant successes, won as we lived and worked through the struggles, questions, disappointments, surprises and countless other lessons and efforts that gave us a life I cherish with fruit that will last for eternity.

Everything changes yet it all stays the same.

Now, a few years into a new stage of life, I work to build a training, mentoring and teaching ministry to help people care effectively.

Experiences over the last 15 years taught me most of the content I write about and gave me the greatest sense of fulfillment of all of my work.

Yet as I get ready to write a blog post I look at an empty page.

The #59th podcast episode that I just recorded, was a wonderful conversation with a mother of a school shooting victim. That conversation, and all the rest, were only incomplete ideas with unspoken word, unshared thoughts and feelings, until we had a recorded and published our conversation.

And I still don't know who reads or listens.

Isn't is this the way it is for all of us?

IWe are called to care and we walk into a situation, a hospital room, the bedside of a dying person, and we don't know how it is going to go, what we are going to say or how it is going to turn out. But we follow God's leading and respond to the need and opportunity with not guarantees, except that God will be with us.

I write and read and plan and work believing is still working and I am blessed that he has called me to have a part in his work. My board and I strategize to grow and scale this ministry so we can make a difference in a culture that is in desperate need of God's love and care. But, it is as uncertain as a move to a new territory or beginning a new career.

That is the way life is, but that is not the whole story. "What God began, He will carry it on to completion." Phil 1:6 He is still working. There need is great and there is more to do. So, I am really excited to see why God brought this far and am expectant that He is going to do something very significant related to Caring Effectively.

He didn't bring me (us) this far, to only bring me (us) this far.

There is a motivational reel that is used for boxing, weight lifting, personal performance and high achievement. The main phrase is, "I didn't come this far, to only come this far. I cam this far so I can go further."

They have verses that accompany their goals. I feel it for me and I believe it for you so I change the verbiage and added new verses to their theme that better engages with my life and our calling to care as God works in and through us.

(I hope you will google thier version of "I didn't come this far to only come this far. I came this far to go further." so you get their cadence and intensity.)

"Lord, You didn't bring me this far so I would only come this far,

You brought me this far so I could see Your faithfulness,

learn your ways, trust you more

and go further.

Lord, You didn't bring me this far so that I would be done with my work,

but so I could serve you more

with experience and wisdom and power,

so I can do more and go further.

Lord, You didn't bring me this far so I would stop,

but so I can rest, be still, live by faith,

trust you more,

and go further.

Lord, You didn't bring me this far to put me on a shelf,

but for me to encourage, listen to, love and comfort younger

people who have not yet come this far.

You didn't bring me this far so I would die,

but you brought me this far so I could live eternally,

leave a legacy, make a difference

and receive my reward.

Thank you for bringing me this far so that I can still go further."

How to deal with the strain of caregiving.

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 15:18:26 GMT

Here are 10 Tips from CaringBridge.

You've probably heard of CaringBridge. I've been following a friends cancer journey.

This journey has been going on for about a year. The 90 minute drives, one way, to the oncology center for diagnosis, tests, chemo treatments, more tests and more treatments have been many. Sometimes there have been weeks of hospitalization and isolation.

The drama has been high. I can't imagine how exhausting this journey has been for the whole family and a few friends.

Other traumas have interrupted the plans and expectations for a normal life. I met a teenage girl in a wheel chair. "The adult driver of the car I was in was drunk. I was thrown out of the car when she lost control around a turn at 100mph." Now, a quadriplegic in the home of a single mother, her mom is exhausted.

A special needs child or an Alzheimer's diagnosis has inflicted many families with a burden to heavy to bear.

As you know, this only begins the list. Do the math. Eventually a situation like this touches a large part of our population -- maybe all of us.

The following article from the CaringBridge blog, addresses the problem of caregiver strain. Go to their website to read the full article.

www.caringbridge.org/resources/caregiver-role-strain/

"10 Tips for Managing Caregiver Role Strain

The good news is, there are a lot of ways to manage caregiver role strain. Because when you are able to manage these symptoms, not only can you show up for your loved one, but you can show up for yourself. You matter, too.

1. Stay Organized

Between appointments, trips to the store, making dinner, going into work – life can get away from you pretty fast.

Start each day with a to-do list, or block out time in your calendar to get the top priorities done. That way you will feel like you have some direction and control. Be flexible, and don’t sweat if you have to adjust each day.

Keeping a calendar, budget, grocery list, and book of different passcodes (there are so many “patient portals” to log in to these days!) will help you regain a little sanity in your everyday life.

2. Focus on What You Are Able to Provide

You don’t have all the answers, and sometimes there are limits to what you can do to help. Set realistic goals for yourself. This is not to say don’t be optimistic or hopeful! But find the things you know you can provide.

For instance, you may be able to offer a warm meal each night, an afternoon walk or helping them get dressed in the morning. On the other hand, ask for help for the things you know you can’t provide, such as injections, physical therapy, or lifting them into bed.

3. Build a Caregiver Support Team

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and caregiving is no different. It’s easy to feel like everything is up to you when it’s just you and your loved one in the home. But you are not alone.

Form a care team ! Find ways to loop in other family or friends. It will take some of the strain and responsibility off you, and it can help them know they still have a place in their loved one’s life.

Tip: Our free CaringBridge online health journal allows you to update everyone at once, so all your loved ones are on the same page. Our on-site Planner helps you coordinate tasks like bringing meals, rides to doctor appointments, or taking care of pets, which can help take some of the strain off of you.

Start a CaringBridge Site When you’re going through a health journey, you have a lot on your plate. CaringBridge replaces the time-consuming task of sharing your health news over and over. It’s a free, easy to use online journal for sharing health information with your family and friends.

Don’t go through your health journey alone.

You can stay connected to friends and family, plan and coordinate meals, and experience love from any distance.

All of this is ready for you when you start your personal CaringBridge site, which is completely free of charge, ad-free, private and secure. Don’t spend another minute alone!

Start Your Free Site Now

4. Seek Respite Care

Consider adding to your support team to get you and your loved one the help you need. If you’re financially able, there are a few respite care options available.

A home healthcare aide comes in to provide medical assistance, companionship, or both. There are different adult care centers or programs for care during the day. Some nursing or care facilities offer short term stays so that you can take the vacation you need, knowing your loved one is in good hands.

5. Apply For a Leave From Your Out-of-Home Job

Caregiver role strain can be much more intense when you are balancing caregiving with childcare, and a full-time job. If you are an employee covered under the federal Family and Medical Leave Act, you might be able to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave a year to care for your relative. Contact your human resource office for options.

6. Find Caregiving Teachers and Support Groups

Caregiving is an old practice, dating back to the beginning of human history. There are many great caregivers that have gone before you and will come after you.

There are a number of resources available to make you feel more connected and involved in the caregiving community. Consider joining a support group or reading a great book about caregiving to help you feel less alone, and learn how to take care of yourself and your loved one the best way you can.

“I joined a support group for dementia caregivers that met in the evening once a month. That was so helpful, because I learned we had similar stories, each being unique, but offering each other encouragement knowing we were not alone, and even at times offered suggestions on how to deal with tough circumstances that may have come up during the month. I also attended an annual caregiver seminar workshop held once a year. That, too, was very helpful.”

Betty A.

7. Reach Out to Your Spiritual or Faith Community

Having a strong spiritual life, or believe in a hig her power, or God is often a balm. Many caregivers find it helpful to set aside time to pray or meditate, engage with their faith community by attending worship services, or draw strength from a high power.

“It takes a power stronger than us to get us through the tough times.”

Margret C.

“I cared for my parents for 11 years. My Mom spent the last 5 in a nursing home. She had Alzheimer’s, diabetes, congestive heart failure and cracked vertebrae. My Dad or I couldn’t lift her. My Dad went to see her 2 times every day until he died. I went every day after work and on weekends. My saving grace was my husband and kids. And by the grace of God I made it through it all. They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. At times you have to wonder.”

Phebe P.

8. Take Care of Your Own Health

When someone else’s health is in more immediate need than your own, it’s easy to prioritize theirs over yours. But your physical and mental health is more important than ever when someone else is counting on you.

Take time every day, even if it’s only 15 minutes, to go on a walk or exercise. Make sure you are able to get 7-9 hours of sleep each night and are fueling your body with good foods. You may be going to the doctor frequently for your care recipient, but don’t forget to make time for your own appointments.

9.Make Time For Yourself

It may start to feel like you are living for someone else. It’s important for your mental well-being to recognize your identity outside of caregiving.

Find a way to make time for your own hobbies, like reading, knitting, painting, practicing an instrument, going to concerts, going wine tasting, or listening to music. For more ideas on how to improve your well-being, check out these 25 self-care tips for caregivers .

10. Get Out of The House

Lastly, take the time to get out of the house. Head outside and smell the fresh air. Have phone calls with friends and family. If you can, get out once a week for a meal or happy hour, or join a virtual meetup with friends. Stay connected to the people in your life that offer non-judgmental emotional support.

“My husband had early-onset FTD dementia and died at 65 from a sudden heart attack. However, prior to that, I worked full time and cared for him as well. When he was unable to be left home alone, I was able to place him into an adult daycare. My daughter would pick him up and take care of him at closing until I was off work. With the help of my children, who cared for my husband as needed, I was able to meet with friends for dinner following work as my short R&R.”

Betty A.

Taking Care of the Caregiver

It was Nancy Kriseman, author of The Mindful Caregiver: Finding Ease in the Caregiving Journey , who wrote, “My caregiver mantra is to remember: The only control you have is over the changes you choose to make.” It’s easy to feel out of control when you’re responsible for your loved one’s health and well-being.

But there is a lot you can do to honor and thank yourself for all the selfless work you are doing. Deep breaths.

“It’s not an easy thing, but love prevails.”

Nancy P."

This article gives 10 tips for managing the strain. Unfortunately, it does not make it go away. Caring for people is difficult and requires great strength, endurance, wisdom, character and God's help.

The CaringBridge website has more articles to help us understand the struggle of caregiver burnout.

www.caringbridge.org/resources/search/caregiver+burnout

And we are here to help increase the conversation about care, caregiving and how we can offer the best care. Your care matters. What help do you need? Leave a comment.

What would you say to your dad?

Sat, 15 Jun 2024 20:30:34 GMT

If you can, say it.

If you can't, say it any way. It will be good for you to express it.

Here are some Father's Day thoughts from "What's your grief?" (www.whatsyourgrief.com).

This is "grief for the rest of us." That the way they describe their website and grief support tools.

I love their style, relatable approach and I respect their knowledge and writing skills at addressing the difficult subject of grief. Perhaps they will help people avoid grief less. The following is from a newsletter. If you search "Father's Day" on their website, you'll find a more articles and angles on grief around Father's Day.

"Father's Day Writing Prompts:

For anyone missing someone this Father's Day (or any day, really) and looking for some prompts to help your writing and reflection along.

Three things I wish you knew about my life now are . . .

One way you impacted me that I didn’t realize until after you were gone is . . .

When I think of you, the words, thoughts, and memories that first come to mind are . . .

The imprints you left on me that I would most like to affirm and develop are:

The imprints you left on me that I would most like to relinquish or change are:

I wish I’d had the chance to tell you . . .

If I could have added something to our relationship, it would have been _______ because:

If I could have removed something from our relationship it would have been ____ because:

One thing I am working on forgiving you for (or have forgiven you for) is . . .

One thing I am working on forgiving myself for about our relationship is . . .

If I had to sum up our relationship in three words they would be . . . ."

I hope this helps you.

A father is a key role in one's life, either by presence or absence. Whether he was an encouraging dad or a harsh dad, we bear the results. To maximize the benefits or to heal the wounds, you can fill in the above blanks or finish the sentences above.

Doing this for yourself or keeping it handy when a person loses their dad, will be providing care that matters beyond measure.

Some caring events are made to be fun!

Thu, 13 Jun 2024 17:25:04 GMT

It is good for the soul to have some fun!

And this is a fun event that helps people care for people.

Sarcoma is/was "my" cancer--Chondrosarcoma specifically.

From now through November, all across America, there will 5K Runs that raise funds for Sarcoma research. Go here (https://www.curesarcoma.org/race/) to find a location near you.

Last year I ran, so to speak (slightly under 12 minutes a mile), the Race to Cure Sarcoma -- Cleveland . It was my first group event for cancer patients. It was especially impactful because it was "my cancer" and there were many there with sarcomas. Most had a more radical experience that I had: amputations, metastasis to the lungs, pictures of people decades younger than me who had died.

That part was not fun .

My emotions were overwhelmed with gratitude and sorrow simultaneously. I wondered how my surgeon and his staff could face this drama every day of every week. My care and concern for those around me broadened my cancer experience into a community. It was no longer just about my surgery, recovery, scar, scans... I was part of a community.

But there was the FUN element, in addition to the event being rewarding .

Not too long ago I was using a walker. Then I graduated to a cane. Now I am ran a 5K "race" with hundreds of other people, some who were affected by cancer and others who like to help, make a donation and run.

A running event is positive from start to finish. I shows people being active to the best of their ability. They are accomplishing something physical and mental, emotional and spiritual. The celebrations and enthusiasm is as contagious as the smile on the beautiful teen age girl that stood beside me for the Survivor group picture. She stood on one healthy, normal leg and a prothesis in place of her amputated leg.

I'm thankful for the Sarcoma Foundation ( www.curesarcoma.org and www.curesarcoma.org/race/ ).

They organize these events all over the country and people by the thousands pay, show up and run/walk. We get T-shirts, hang out with the medical community, other patients and their families and share the common denominator of being cancer patients.

And all the proceeds go to a good cause: research to cure sarcoma.

Everybody should find a cause to support with an activity, in addition to the normal tithes, offerings and financial donation. Whether it is a bake sale, a 5K, a silent auction, a consignment shop, a yard sale, a concert or a missions trip, there are a lot of fun ways to care for others. These efforts raise funds and make a difference that is beyond measure and the participation is fun and that fun is emotionally healthy and healing.

Generous and caring people are the happiest people.

They aren't generous because they are happy, but are happy because they are engaged, involved and generous.

When you care, it matters, even when it is fun!

This summer find a 5K, Race to Cure Sarcoma is my recommendation! And have fun!

An example of skillful caring that made a difference.

Mon, 03 Jun 2024 16:22:24 GMT

"You displayed Jesus to me."

This story reveals how to care effectively and how this blog and The Seven Essentials helped this woman experience a beautiful result.

"In the time that I’ve been reading through the Best Care Ministry content, I have become more convinced of the deep need for Christians to understand this essential part of living out our faith and displaying God’s character through care.

I’ve been so challenged personally in how I can better do this in every area of my life. Reading through “The 7 Essentials” I felt that I was given some really helpful reminders and tools to provide the best care. The most helpful for me was the extreme listening essential. There was an example of someone sharing about their hardship and then possible responses to that person. I am so prone to respond to someone with my own life experience instead of seeking to learn more about the person sharing with me. I can’t say that I’m much improved in this area, yet, but I have the constant reminder in the back of my head to provide the best care through extreme listening.

Here’s a story about how I adjusted the way I cared for a friend going through a hard season because of the tools from Best Care Ministry:

My friend was struggling with the challenges of newborn twins, a temperamental 3 yr old, and an unhappy marriage. She was deep into sadness and hopelessness. All I wanted to do was remove the pain and do something for her. I wanted to fix it and make life easier somehow. Obviously, I don’t have the power to do that. God had given her this hard season, and He would see her through. Was that truth a comfort to her? In the midst of it, not really. I could not find the right words to encourage her, so I decided to intentionally try another approach. I began to incorporate the 7 essentials to help care for her in the best possible way. I practiced presence by spending an entire day with her each week to just be another set of hands and a friend to listen to her, and to simply sit with her in her struggle. Some days we laughed, sometimes we got tasks checked off her to do list, some days we just sat and cried, some days we were just trying to get through the day. Whatever we did, I was there with her. It was such a sweet and special season to spend with my friend. I also wanted to focus on another essential for the best care, extreme listening. I tried to pause after she would share something to decide what to say. I tried to practice asking more questions and I learned that sometimes I didn’t need to say anything. She is an extrovert that processes out loud so sometimes I just listened to her process through her pain and grief, and I just didn’t interrupt her.

I am still spending time with my dear friend these days, but she’s gone back to work and we don’t get to have those long days together like we had during her maternity leave. The season changed. After that particularly specific time together, my friend gave me a note with something that truly encouraged my heart. It said, “My dear friend, you have displayed Jesus in this time you’ve cared for me.”

We don’t always get to see the fruition of care ministry, but I am so thankful Jesus was seen through me. What a gift! I pray that others will also take this to heart and care for one person in their life. Can you imagine if every Christian cared intentionally for just one person? How much could our world change? "

I can't add a thing, except to say thank you for sharing and I am so happy you were there for your friend. Your presence to her was valuable beyond measure.

What is your story? Please share.

Help the U.S. Grieve Appropriately on Memorial Day

Mon, 27 May 2024 17:38:51 GMT

Some gave all!

"The first memorial in America dedicated to ALL wars, ALL branches of service and containing the names of ALL those who died from a single state in those wars, is pictured above.

The Colorado Freedom Memorial is located in Aurora, Colorado near Buckley Air Force Base. Constructed of glass panels that reflect Colorado's mountains and blue skies the Memorial holds the names of over 6,000 Coloradans killed or missing in action. They are grouped by war, but names will not be alphabetically listed. Much of the Colorado Freedom Memorial is meant to reflect the chaos of war, including the shuffling of names.

"These heroes left the mountains of home to fight in places they'd never heard of answering their nation's call to duty. Over half of the men and women honored on the Memorial never returned home, their remains lost at sea, never recovered behind enemy lines, or buried in far away places. For families that never had a cemetery to visit, the Colorado Freedom Memorial becomes a place of grief and healing." (From the Colorado Freedom Memorial web site. https://coloradofreedommemorial.com/.)

Many communities throughout our country have some kind of a monument that lists the names of those, from their community, who paid the ultimate price in service to their country. In many communities today, there will be a ceremony for Gold Star Families , to help these grieving families find a public way to honor the loved one that they lost in war. It is Memorial Day everyday for these families. Anytime you can acknowledge their loss, you are helping them grieve. That is valuable for all of U.S.

The Air Force has amazing historical archives. The following paragraph allowed me to see the debriefing report with the names of the crew from my Dad's 28th mission over Germany in WWII. Reading the six names of the men that perished makes it more personal than a general moment of silence.

"Delivered Cheyenne 11/3/44; Gr Island 21/3/44; Dow Fd 6/4/44; Assigned 322BS/91BG [LG-A] Bassingbourn 22/4/44; Missing in Action 14+m Berlin 21/6/44 with Ed Waters, Co-pilot : George Abbott, Bombardier : Jim Van Pelt, Waist gunner : (My Dad and Hero) Bob Hettinger ( 4 Prisoners of War ) ; Navigator: Alf Kovner, Top Turret Gunner: Lou Miller, Radio Operator : Chester Kolano, Ball turret gunner: Harry Humm, Waist gunner: Claude Hopkins, Tail gunner: Ed Shirley ( 6 Killed in Action ) ; enemy aircraft KO’d #3 and set fire to wing, crashed Ruehlow, ten miles E of Neubrandenburg, Ger; Missing Air Crew Report 5983."

In the second picture, my Dad is second from the right in the front row. This was his main crew. He was with another crew, "The Ragged Irregulars," flying "Sleepytime Gal," the day he was shot down. Even though these were not the faces of the crew listed previously, the picture helps us gain an image of young men from the "greatest generation."

Local ceremonies seek to comfort for families, who lost a spouse, parent, child, brother, sister and give them a time to grieve, knowing their loved one is being honored.

Understanding grief and grieving, and walking with those who have experienced loss is the cornerstone of a caring ministry, a compassionate society and a healthy culture.

Anytime you help someone grieve, what you are doing matters.

How can we encourage the discouraged?

Fri, 17 May 2024 17:28:00 GMT

Don't say, "Cheer up," "Look on the bright side," or "It could be worse."

"I'm generally grumpy."

The five guys I was having breakfast with were all in the same boat. That mood is common these days.

Their work and family experiences varied a lot revealing that this "bad mood" is wide spread. The feeling that the "wheels-are-falling-off" exists with different personalities. Life seems to be lived under a dark cloud . This can-do, strong and successful group of men is feeling the emotional toll of inflation, culture wars, political drama, changing business culture, irritable customers and clients, not to mention their own family struggles and needs.

Encouragement should not deny the dark reality of our times.

To encourage, we need to go to the dark places. It is in and through hardship that God heals, comforts and provides new courage that is refined and refocused with new skills for strategic results.

My mentor in grief taught this powerful lesson in her Christmas quote a few years ago.

"To successfully grieve, not sinking into bitterness and despair, is to allow room in our hearts for both joy and sorrow to exist, to be experienced simultaneously, and to be openly acknowledged together. And the beauty of Christmas is Emmanuel, God with us, who lost everything when He came into this dark world to save us-- to walk with us through our dark path of grief and give us joy."

Written by Karen Schoenhals

To "look on the bright side" and try to "think positive thoughts" is not the way to encourage.

Since the happy place is our desire it is natural to try and find it or focus on the positive as if that makes the dark go away. But it does not.

For many years I thought my positive outlook and optimism, that enabled me to always see the glass half full, was the path to encouragement. It does help me believe that good might exist within the problem or come out of the crisis. But it also causes me to miss the painful reality and the deeper work of God.

With this group on this day I did not revert to my old ways of trying to cheer them up by pointing them to the good things that are happening.

Instead I went to the dark mood and the concerns that troubled them .

Present in their dark space and validating them as beloved friends, I acknowledged the current reality with its many losses.

From that place we acknowledged that the Scriptures we read and the God that we worship is for all people in all circumstances and throughout all of time. God worked in the plagues, wars and famines of history. We saw the span of time that the Scriptures have existed and our application was more accurate and insightful that before. We found hope in the God who has sustained humanity in all circumstances and all places.

And a flickering light of encouragement began to shine as new courage, but with greater substance than a pep talk would provide .

Presence, listening and patience, the skills of care, fit in every setting.

When we use these skills we are relief and encouragement to a people who are struggling in a world that is spinning out-of-control. It is from the dark that authentic joy emerges. Eventually, people do arrive at their happy place and they are refined with wisdom and compassion.

Every time you care effectively and encourage the discouraged it makes a difference that is beyond measure.

Embrace the complexity of Mother's Day for Mom's sake.

Fri, 10 May 2024 17:40:29 GMT

We must not avoid the complexity of Mother's Day.

We must learn how to embrace it.

Then we will more fully understand a mother's love and the value of life itself.

Visit the "What's Your Grief" website (https://whatsyourgrief.com).

Eleanor Haley does a beautiful job writing about this difficult topic and I thought it best to hear from a mom, grieving her mom, on Mother's Day. So, below I share one of her blog posts on my blog.

As I interpret this article, she identifies at least one reason grieving the loss of a Mother is complex. Children, often, don't love their mother correctly.

"I’ve been writing about my grief for my mother and how it has impacted my life as a mother since May of 2013, my first Mother’s Day here at WYG. Looking back at some of my earlier articles, it’s like reading an old diary. The people described on those pages still exist, but how we were is a distant memory in many ways.

When my kids were young, everything seemed so precious and pure.

Sure, there were tantrums and epic messes, but mostly I remember sweetness, closeness, and affection. And as I savored these little moments, I often thought of my mother and how nurturing and loving she was in my earliest memories of her.

But ten years have gone by, and my kids are older now. Naturally, they’re becoming individuals and developing unique ideas about the world and who they want to be. There’s more distance, more shut doors, and I notice them tucking little things about themselves away from me. Though our love may be unconditional, their adoration is a little less unbridled. I’m now forever teetering on being cheesy, out-of-touch, or, lord forbid, embarrassing.

I fret about the change, but then I try to put it into perspective — this is normal; this is okay. Things about our relationship are gone, but wonderful new things have emerged.

And wasn’t I similarly distant, defiant, and honestly, a lot more trouble in my own teen years? I remember feeling a deep love for my mother that I couldn’t find a way to express. She always had to assume I loved and appreciated her, which I now look back on with heaps of regret.

Complex and Evolving Continued Bonds

We often talk about how comforting it is to have a continued bond with our loved ones who have died. But as Queen Elizabeth said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.”**

**Though Queen Elizabeth II popularized these words, the original source quote comes from grief theorist, Colin Murray Parks who said:

“The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment.“

I think this quote applies to our ever-evolving continued bond as well. The price of continuing to love someone who’s died is that you’re reminded quite often just how tragic it is that they’re gone.

You also may find yourself stumbling over new questions and realizations that you can’t revisit with them. Though it’s worth it to keep loving the person, realistically, having a continued bond may look like oscillating between finding warmth in your connection and discovering new pain points and secondary losses.

I think about my mom a lot these days. Maybe even more so than in recent memory. As I struggle to navigate this new chapter as a mother, I begin to look at my mother and our relationship through a different lens. And I see that as my relationships with my daughters change, so does my bond with my mother.

Sometimes I find pain.

For example, I’m suddenly asking myself new questions. Sometimes, I even wonder what my mom thought of me in my young-adult years. How did she feel when I shut her out? Or when I made choices she didn’t agree with? Did I hurt her feelings? Or did she dismiss my behavior as part and parcel of my stage of life? Though I know she always loved me, I don’t actually know if she like-liked me, which is a thought I only allow myself to consider for a few seconds before I self-combust.

And sometimes I find positive.

I’ve discovered more positive things in our expanding bond as well, though. As I navigate my changing relationship with my daughters, I think I better understand some of what my mother was going through as a parent to six children. I can finally fully appreciate her patience and unwavering care towards our teenage angst, even though I know that must have been hard at times. I wish I could tell her how much I appreciate her, but I can’t. So instead, I think of her during times of stress and worry and remind myself to give my children the grace and compassion she gave me.

As I go through life, I learn that our continued bonds with people who have died straddle two parallel timelines. There’s the path you walk with them in the present, and there’s the path you revisit walking with them in the past.

Though you may find beautiful treasures on both timelines, you may also discover new questions and things you wish were different. Your relationship with them was complex in life, and so it makes sense that it should remind multifaceted and dynamic in death.

To my children, if you ever find this article. I have loved every stage of your life, and that’s why I mourn to see them pass, but at the same time, I treasure each new one that comes. Perhaps my mother’s death has made it so I’m always a little sad because it reminds me of how quickly this can all pass by, and if I had it my way, I’d be here to walk with you through life forever. I know, I know- awkward, cringe- but I had to say it. MAY 10, 2023"

In another poignant story, take time to listen to my wife's tribute to her mother as she shares her grief story on my podcast, "Who Cares? with Dan Hettinger (wherever you listen to podcasts).

The picture comes from another article on Mother's Day Grief. 5 Tips for Coping with The Loss of a Mother This Mother's Day (psycom.net) . There are a lot of Mother's Day resources online. Clearly, a lot of people are celebrating and feeling pain.

I hope these resources help you relate effectively during the complexity of Mother's Day so that you are equipped to offer the best care.

Can we help the family who is looking for a church if they have a special needs child?

Thu, 09 May 2024 17:38:37 GMT

Everyone should know about Key Ministry.

Connecting with their people and resources will infuse your ministry

with with fruit that will exceed your expectations.

This is "low-hanging fruit." There are many families who want to attend church but can't because most churches are not equipped to to meet a special need.

But to be fair, even for the most caring groups, "when it comes to supporting parents who are wading through the emotional quicksand of their child's initial special needs diagnosis, it can be a struggle to find the word to reach out in the right way".

"A family discovers a special needs diagnosis suddenly and usually in close proximity to the birth of a child. The problems may be revealed during prenatal testing, at the birth of the child, or shortly thereafter. Examples of this scenario would be giving birth to a child with Down syndrome, a chromosomal abnormality or significant physical birth defect.

Through a slower process of discovery, a child receives a neurological-related specials diagnosis during the toddler, preschool or early grade-school years. Examples of this type of diagnosis include autism spectrum disorder, Asperger syndrome, or moderate to profound cases of various learning disabilities or behavior health disorders."

In Leading A Special Needs Ministry , Amy Fenton Lee introduces the need with the above quotes and gives some great advise in the following quiz. That is her creative way of enforcing the correct care action.

1. TRUE OR FALSE -- Only place the family facing a diagnosis of a special needs nature on church prayer lists after permission has been given by parents.

2. TRUE OR FALSE -- Assure the family that the church will love and accept their child as God created him or her.

3. TRUE OR FALSE -- In person contact is best for church members wanting to support parents of a newborn with a special needs diagnosis.

4. TRUE OR FALSE -- When talking with parents who have recently received a special needs diagnosis for their child, help them to see the positives in the situation.

5. TRUE OR FALSE -- Be prepared to address theological questions with a family in the early stages of processing a special needs diagnosis.

6. TRUE OR FALSE -- Ask to hold the baby when visiting the family just after the baby's birth and diagnosis.

7. TRUE OR FALSE -- If you know of another family with a similar situation, arrange for them to connect with the new parents.

1.True 2.True 3.False 4.False 5.False 6.True 7.False

You will appreciate Amy's answers when you get her book. You are welcome to reply to me with your experiences and/or questions. Maybe I will be able to include them in future e-mails.

Key Ministry provides a whole catalog of people, ideas and resources for a special needs ministry.

I just attended their Disability and the Church conference in Orlando, Florida. There were too many stories of people who want to go to church, but who don't fit into the standard church because of the difficulties from a special needs child. This was just one category of need. Other forms of mental illness, physical challenges and disease such as Alzheimer's Disease confine people who want ministry. Insult is added to injury when the church misunderstands behaviors that are affected by trauma.

I met many people who have started ministries that have grown out of need. Perhaps you have a similar hero in your church who is facing a need but does not know what to do. Contact me or go directly to the Key Ministry website (www.KeyMinistry.org) .

Caring for people makes the difference.

There is no doubt that nearly every church means well. But beyond the emotion that is saddened by people's problems we need to to know how to care effectively. When people in our ministries are trained with the skills to care for people, then they will feel confident and equipped to care for people and there will be an environment where people with special needs and their families can be included and flourish in a church family. Offering a targeted ministry is good, and building a culture that cares is better. Using the 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes a Difference will empower people who are leading ministries and equip an entire culture to offer the best care.

The fruit is ripe for the picking. Let's learn how to care effectively so we will reduce the number people who want a church family but can't find a place that knows how to care for them.

Can we find (and share) calm in an anxious world?

Sat, 27 Apr 2024 20:50:37 GMT

Anxiety is right there with grief as the most common human sufferings.

"The United States is now the most anxious nation in the world...

The land of Stars and Stripes has become the country of stress and strife... Stress related ailments cost the nation $300 billion every year in medical bills and lost productivity, while our usage of sedative drugs keeps sky rocketing..."*

It is costing more than money. Not very long ago, ayoung pastor of a prominent church in California took his life. Twice in one week I got the message of the suicide of a young person. I was connected to one through ministry and the other a longtime family friend. A beautiful girl, not yet a teenager, told me she does not want to live any more.

"Why?"

"Life is too hard. I have too many problems."

A young man told me his story of debilitating anxiety.

"Why?"

"Too much information, too often, too fast and too negative. Quotas. Demands and expectations that are too high."

I understand the problem. I come from a long line of worriers. It comes naturally to me.

"Anxiety is trepidation.

It's a suspicion, an apprehension. Life in a minor key with major concerns. Perpetually on the pirate ship's plank...

As a result you are anxious. A free-floating sense of dread hovers over you, a caul across the heart, a nebulous hunch about things...that might happen...sometime in the future.

Anxiety and fear are cousins but not twins. Fear sees a threat. Anxiety imagines one.

Fear screams, Get out!

Anxiety ponders, What if?

Fear results in fight or flight. Anxiety creates doom and gloom.

Fear is the pulse that pounds when you see a coiled rattlesnake in your front yard. Anxiety is the voice that tells you, 'Never, ever, for the rest of your life, walk barefooted through the grass. There might be a snake...somewhere."*

Care ministry stirs my anxious tendencies as I dread another person with a cancer diagnosis, a grieving family to support after a dramatic loss or a marriage collapsing on its way to a divorce. Even in the satisfaction of being present with people in their greatest need I worry that my work is not enough and that I might say the wrong thing. Who am I forgetting to visit? What call do I need to return? Who do I need to recruit to care? How can I mobilize them to care? Do I have what it takes to meet the overwhelming needs?

Like grief, I do not need to be an expert on the subject, but I need to know how to face it.

But the most common human experience, loss leading to grief, frequently affects me and the people in my care. Like I need to grieve my losses and have the skills and resources to support people in their time of grief, I also need to have some ability to process my anxiety and help people living in an anxious world.

Anxiety may be next on the list of current needs. I recognize my own need for:

Quiet time to pray, give thanks and renew my awareness of God's presence.
Exercise that physically strengthens me and helps burn off the adrenaline accumulated in stressful situations.
Materials to read that help me understand anxiety and how to deal with it.
Fellowship that listens to me so I don't do ministry alone.

Anxiety torments many in our ministries and I feel it in myself.

It won't go away but I am thankful that we can have what it takes to find calm in our chaotic world and when we do, we will bring calm to the stress and anxiety to those in our care.

*The above quotes and the pictures used are from Max Lucado's book, Anxious for Nothing -- Finding Calm in a Chaotic World.

Columbine was 25 Years Ago. Anniversaries matter.

Fri, 19 Apr 2024 21:35:42 GMT

They would be in their late 30's or early 40's.

Anniversaries are painful.

The loss is fresh again and grieving people are confronted with the sad changes that have come into their lives. They wonder how different life would have been had the loss not happened.

April 20, 2024 marks the 25th anniversary of the Columbine mass shooting. I remember where I was standing by the front door when my son said from the car, "There is an active shooting situation at a high school in Littleton, Colorado." We were living in Atlanta and getting ready to move to Colorado.

As a nation we watched the horror unfold with images beyond anything we ever imagined.

The whole world was shocked.

The day after the shooting I got on a plane to go to Madrid, Spain where I would lead a group of missionaries in a workshop. I had a layover in Brussels, Belgium. The shooting was on the front page of the papers there.

The feeling was indescribable as we drove past the high school and visited Clement Park. We visited Colorado a month later in preparation for our move. The yellow crime scene tape still circled the school.

The pain will never go away.

Now, after having lived in Colorado, I'm privileged to have some friends who were in school that day. They still find it difficult to talk about 25 years later. On this anniversary, lets remember the the families who lost loved ones and those who experienced that indescribably trauma.

Don't make them talk about it, if they don't want to. Just let them know you remember. There is a huge hole in their lives. A piece of them is missing. Everyday they live with that reality and the anniversary takes them back to the original shock and pain of the first day.

This is true for every anniversary.

My good friend Jason Mueller shares a similar tragedy with the people from Columbine. His son was murdered on April 20th. It was six years ago and Jason replied to my text, "It has been a long week." He thanked me for the love and support. Then he said, "Just keep us in your prayers. Also please pray for the young man who pulled the trigger. His life changed that day as well and my prayer is he finds the Lord and comes out a saved man."

The feeling of emptiness that lingers after many years, can be a precious gift.

If you are surprised by the pain of anniversary, I hope this helps you understand. If you are with someone going through that pain, just be present with them on their anniversary--listen to their stories, sit with them in their pain, cry with them. The pain and the memories reveal the truth in the Columbine banner, Never Forgotten. Anniversaries are painful but reveal the lasting impact of the value of their lives and the piece of our lives that is missing.

Deitrich Bonhoeffer gives us hope that the feeling of emptiness has value and over time become a precious gift.

“There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain."

That is not to try to give a silver lining to the loss or to say look at the bright side. There is no silver lining nor a bright side. It is remembering the great gap in your life and feeling the pain that it causes. Then in painful grief you can feel the bond with the one you lost and pray that someday, that memory will bring a mysterious joy.

I hardly did anything. I was just with her. How could that be enough?

Sat, 13 Apr 2024 01:03:04 GMT

There is power in presence.

Presence works. But, nearly every caring person is tempted, at some point, with the feeling that their presence with a person in need is not enough.

You might feel like there must be something you should do, or words of wisdom you must speak to bring understanding. You want to answer questions that often have no answers, or we want to offer a solution, when that is not possible or is something in the future.

Admittedly, there are a few circumstances such as a sudden trauma or unexpected death, when there are practical things that need to be done. Meals, making travel plans, baby sitting or transportation require action that the surviving care receiver does not have the ability, at that moment, to do. But, even in these exceptional events, presence is required to understand those needs and to make sure they are done appropriately. Usually someone remains present with the survivor, while the tasks are triaged out to service oriented caring people.

Presence, even with no other action, is powerful beyond measure, and it is valuable to the care receiver. Your greatest gift is your time and undivided attention.

Your presence honors a person most of all. When people are surveyed months or years after their experience of need, the greatest and most powerful memories are of the people who were “with them.” Not what was said, nor what was done, and maybe not even who was there, but that they were not alone in their time of need.

Being present is the first thing we do once we have turned our focus to others.

Presence worked with a man struggling emotionally and mentally.

I was sitting with this man who was mentally ill and emotionally troubled.

You could not tell it by looking at him, but broken relationships and addiction had wreaked havoc on his young life. Troubled emotions and confused thinking added to his torment. It was complicated.

I didn't know what to do so I just sat with him, looked him in the eye, when I could (he looked at the floor most of the time), and asked him to tell me his story. That is the essence of the ministry of presence.

"This really helps," he said surprised. I was surprised too, I am sorry to admit. "You are not trying to fix me or tell me what to do."

His countenance relaxed. He looked at the floor while he was organizing his thoughts but often lifted his head and locked in on my eye contact. We were connecting and a tear rolled down his cheek. That was unusual for a man known more for anger than vulnerability.

I had the feeling my role was rare in his life. Perhaps no one else was "just" present with him.

He wanted to pray. He wanted to read Scripture. Preaching or teaching from me was not necessary -- just being with him was all he asked for and my presence gave him the opportunity and comfort to ask for more.

I hardly did anything. I just sat with her. How could that be enough.

It was late on a Sunday afternoon. I was on call at the hospital.

My pager went off (yes, hospitals still use pagers). Stat team to the O.R. I didn’t need to respond to Stat Team pages, but in less than a minute it went off again.

Code Blue. O.R.

I knew someone had crashed on the operating table. It was my responsibility to respond to Code Blues so I could support the family and friends of the person whose condition was critical.

But before I could get moving my phone rang. It was the hospital with a brief message. “Get to the ICU waiting room, stat. The patient’s wife is alone and the situation is serious.”

When I arrived she was kneeling at a table in the ICU waiting area. I stood by her, and I introduced myself. I didn’t need to say anything else. She asked me to pray. She needed my presence and I prayed.

The surgeon came out and informed her of the critical condition of her husband. I just stood beside her. We hadn’t known each other for more than 15 minutes.

The surgeon left. I assumed he returned to the operating room to check on his patient before the patient went to recovery or the ICU.

The two of us sat together at the table, oblivious to other people in the visitor’s room of the ICU.

Soon, her parents arrived. She hopped up, greeted them with the urgent news that her husband was critical.

Then she turned and pointed to me and said, “This is my angel.”

I hardly did anything, except to be present. Just being with her had an immeasurable power of comfort and care that gave her strength that sustained her at the time of an unexpected crisis.

Scenarios like the ones above, even if not as dramatic, have happened in all areas of my ministry with similar results.

The ministry of presence works with the elderly, the demented, the injured, the grieving, the shocked, the confused, the rejected, the lonely and the sick. It works with everyone, every age and in every situation.

And learning to be present makes me a better person, spouse, parent and grandparent, and it will you too.

To practice presence effectively, do these 8 actions that make a difference.

A description of God’s presence is contained in the words of Numbers 6:25, “Make his face shine upon you” and “turn His face toward you.” We should follow His example.

1. Look at the person you are with. Let your face “shine on them.”

2. Know and use their name.

3. Lean in.

4. Let your countenance show your interest.

5. Make eye contact. Don’t stare or intimidate but with caring eyes let them feel like they are seen and that they have your undivided attention.

6. Take time. You can’t care in a hurry. In our rushed and interrupted world, a calm, unrushed presence will matter more than you can imagine or measure.

7. Remove distractions, when possible. Silence or turn off your cell phone. Step away from people if you are in a crowded church lobby, store, restaurant or coffee shop.

8. Prioritize when interrupted. Interruptions often cannot be avoided, but learning how to get past them quickly and return to your care receiver by turning your face toward them, shows them that they are your highest priority.

Don't ever underestimate the value of your presence. Your presence matters!

Sometimes you NEED a sign.

Fri, 05 Apr 2024 18:17:03 GMT

Sometimes you GET a sign!

Some things happen too often to be a coincidence, as unpredictable and mysterious as they seem to be.

Before I was a hospice chaplain I was skeptical about such claims and thought people made things up to comfort their suffering souls. But I saw some things happen too many times to just be a coincidence.

Often unresponsive patients near death would "wait" until the last family member arrived from out of town before they, in the next few minutes, would "allow" themselves to die. I saw people rally from their death beds for one more opportunity to do spiritual work, say "good-bye" or "I love you" to their beloved spouse. As quickly as they perked up, after their work was done, they declined and slipped away.

It was a simple, little house in west Denver. The sign that welcomed people at the front door said, "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord." I noticed how immaculate and well maintained the house was. "He loved to work on his house," the family told me about their recently deceased father. "The strangest thing just happened. That coo-coo-clock hadn't worked for a long time, but just after he died, it worked again."

Not everybody gets that type of event and even when something shocking does take place no one knows for sure what it means, but it sparks hope or comfort in their souls.

Some events change things.

When I arrived at the home where a mother just died, her four daughters, gathered in the living room, had a rush of excitement as they explained a strange event. "Mom was devout in her faith. We had wondered away from the faith we were raised in. But at the moment she passed," they shared with great enthusiasm, "Her eyes opened wide, she smiled brightly and reached up, and then she passed. We believe again."

I received an e-mail from one of our colleagues in care. Jim works with people in Grief-Share. His experience brought him comfort before and after his surgery. I took a little editorial privilege to make his e-mail fit this format.

"I am 48 years old...and am scheduled for surgery at Porter Hospital, a procedure which will require an overnight stay after the operation.

The Sunday before I'm to enter the hospital, the sermon in church is preached on Isaiah 43 and I sit in the pew, hearing and reading the well-known words of the prophet's reassurance:

1 But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine. ² When you pass through the waters I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you. ³ For I am the Lord your God, Isaiah 43:1-3 RSV

And I am comforted against any fear of the coming surgery.

A couple days later I am reading my copy of "These Days" daily devotional guide, and find the same words from Isaiah. The possibility of mere happenstance - of simple coincidence is greatly reduced - surely this is God's nudge of assurance - a God-wink at a moment when most needed.

And later, the day after the successful operation, when I'm being processed for discharge, a Hospital Chaplain visits, bringing flowers and a Scriptural message - yes, Isaiah 43. As I read the sacred words passed down to us through God's Chosen Ones, any lingering thought in my mind of pure chance crumbles and falls away."

I'm not saying everyone gets a sign, but many times, when fear and sorrow overwhelm the soul, God sends a personal message that there is a story bigger than we see bringing the reassurance that He is watching and working.

As a care minister, you may have the opportunity to affirm a similar story. Your attention to all that is going on and what they are saying will help the grieving or suffering person recognize and receive the sign that God sends just for them.

Your care matters.

How important is love?

Fri, 22 Mar 2024 15:20:26 GMT

"Greater love has no one than this;

to lay down one's life for one's friends..."

John 15:13

If Jesus came to you and said, "What would you like me to do for you?", what would you ask for?

I must admit, my initial reaction is for a temporal need--money, success with Best Care Ministry, safety on a trip. They are not bad things to want and it is good to ask God for them. I often ask for God to meet the needs of others and heal those who are sick.

But, like King Solomon made the better request when he asked for wisdom, I wonder how much better it would be for me to ask, "Help me know Your love God so that I am made confident and complete in trusting you. Give me a new nature, made alive by Your Spirit, to love others. Help me love better, to be comfortable with presence, to listen better, to be patient and to be ready for every opportunity. Amen."

I'm so thankful to be working on the subject of care because I am challenged at how little I actually focus my prayers and desires on how to love and care for others.

I hope this devotional post helps you, like it has me, to recognize the need to improve the way I love.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

INVOCATION

Almighty God, my Father, I call upon You and request of You that Your love may be found in me, Your servant.

I know not how to love as I ought, but You who are Love can reveal it unto me.

Show me the way to Love. Amen."

PSALM FOR THE WEEK 139

DAILY SCRIPTURE

Monday I Corinthians 13:1-13

Tuesday Matthew 5:38-48

Wednesday I John 3:11-18

Thursday John 13:1-17

Friday Romans 5:1-8

Saturday I John 4:7-19

Sunday Luke 6:37-42

A SELECTION FOR MEDITATION

"The first thing Paul says about love is that it is patient; 'Love is patient.' (I Cor. 13:4). The dictionary definition of patience is: 'The suffering of afflictions, pain, toil, calamity, provocation, or other evil, with a calm unruffled temper; endurance without murmuring or fretfulness.' The rood of patience is pati (suffer). The first emphasis, then, is that love can suffer, can take it. Since love is outgoing, and since by its very nature it insinuates itself into the sins and sufferings of loved ones its very first capacity must be to be patient, to have a capacity to take suffering and sorrow patiently. The very first step takes us to the cross at once, where, in a supreme way, Love showed its capacity to take on itself everything that would fall upon the loved one. So if love can go to the Cross straight off, it can go anywhere. It meets the supreme test, and all the other tests have been met in this initial test.

-- From T he Way to Power and Poise by E. Stanley Jones

HYMN "He Loves Me"

Alas! and did my Saviour bleed?

And did my Sov'reign die?

Would he devote that sacred head

For such a worm as I?

Was it for crimes that I have done

He groaned upon a tree?

Amazing pity! grace unknown!

And love beyond degree!

Well might the sun in darkness hide,

And shut His glories in.

When Christ, the mighty Maker, died

For man, the creature's, sin.

But drops of grief can ne'er repay

The debt of love I owe.

Here, Lord, I give myself away,

'Tis all that I can do.

He loves me; He loves me,

He loves me, this I know,

He gave himself to die for me

Because He loves me so!

Issac Watts

BENEDICTION

"I am sure that there is in me nothing that could attract the love of One as holy and as just as You are. Yet You have declared your unchanging love for me in Christ Jesus. If nothing in me can win Your love, nothing in the universe can prevent you from loving me. Your love is uncaused and undeserved. You are Yourself the reason for the love wherewith I am loved. Help me to believe the intensity, the eternity of the love that has found me. Then love will cast out fear; and my troubled heart will be at peace, trusting not in what I am but in what You have declared Yourself to be. Amen."

A.W. Tozer in The Knowledge of the Holy

The above was taken from the 42nd week, Charity, pp 327-334 in Disciplines for the Inner Life , by Bob Benson, SR. & Michael W. Benson. Changes I made are in italics. For over twenty-five years I have been greatly, comforted, challenged and taught as God spoke into my life and ministry through this book. I thank David Rambo, then President of the Christian & Missionary Alliance, for sending it to all official workers, which I was at that time.

They help you do what you want to do.

Fri, 15 Mar 2024 19:23:03 GMT

Make a difference in someone's life.

Caring relationships empower us to make a positive difference in someone's life?

The entirety of scripture is seasoned by caring relationships.

GOD LOVES US

In the beginning , God provided the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:8) for the first couple, where He fellowshipped with them in the cool of the evening.

Jesus promises, at the end of life and the end of time , to take us to His Father’s house, where He will be with us and we with Him, and there will be no more fears, tears, wars, or goodbyes. (John 14:1-4, Revelation 21:3,4)

Between the beginning and the end , God is the caring shepherd (Psalm 23), the gardener (John 15), and the protector that covers his loved ones with his feathers (Psalm 91). He is the caring, providing Father (Romans 8:15, Galatians 4:6), the comforter (2 Corinthians 1:3-11), our healer (Isaiah 53:4, 5) and guide (John 16:13).

WE LOVE OTHERS

Beyond God caring for us, we are told to let his care flow through us so that we love and care for one another (John 13:34-35), for those in need (Matthew 21:31, 46), the widow, the orphan (James 1:27), to restore the sinner gently (Galatians 6:1), and even to love our enemies (Matthew 5:43-48).

Yet we wonder, are we offering the best care?

Having a theology beginning with a loving Creator and extending to people caring for one another, most Christians and churches desire to care for others and hope we care in a way that makes a difference in someone’s life . We thrive when we are in caring relationships.

Yet, most people in churches still struggle to care effectively. Many people care in their own way, doing what comes natural to them. Some ministries offer specialized staff, narrowly focused programs, and siloed ministries to target needs. This leaves the average Christian feeling uncertain about their caring abilities and what role they can play in caring for others . At the same time, church leadership is exhausted with the efforts it takes to establish, manage, and sustain ministry programs. While these efforts are taking place, people in need of care are falling through the cracks when they are unable to find a siloed program that addresses their specific need.

How can we offer the best care?

I am preparing the 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes A Difference , a guide to the best practices of care so that everyone can be engaged and confident that they can care in the way that makes a difference in someone’s life.

These 7 Essentials are the best practices of caring for people. They exist throughout the Bible from beginning to end. Each person who learns them and masters the skills to use them will be more effective in their efforts to care for people. There is a way to care for people and at the end of this learning time, everyone will know the essentials and better how to use them.

THE SEVEN ESSENTIALS Simple. Not easy.

1. THE NATURE TO CARE Are you a caring person?

a. You can’t give what you don’t have.

b. Start here.

2. A FOCUS ON OTHERS People matter.

a. Everyone has a story.

b. How many stories do you know?

3. YOUR PRESENCE You matter.

a. Do you feel God’s presence?

b. Your presence is valuable beyond measure.

c. How can someone feel your presence?

4. EXTREME LISTENING Listen before talking. Sometimes, don’t talk at all.

a. We live in a telling culture.

b. You haven’t listened until the one talking feels that they have been heard.

5. PATIENT PERSISTENCE Be in it for the long haul.

a. You can’t care in a hurry.

b. Recovery takes a lifetime.

6. SAFETY GUIDELINES Caring relationships are valuable. Handle with care.

a. Don’t do this alone.

b. Follow the rules.

7. BE READY The “Good Samaritan” was.

a. Opportunities happen.

b. They interrupt the norm.

THE OTHER CHAIR An example. Everybody can do this.

I can't wait to get these into a complete and user friendly package so you can use them, but until then, I'm eager to come to you! Email me at dan@bestcareministry.com.

Is there a gap in ministry that can be bridged?

Fri, 15 Mar 2024 18:33:24 GMT

I wondered, "Why didn't I know this before?"

There is a Ministry Gap.

Most of my calling to the ministry of Jesus was spent within the church. I call it the “home field” of ministry.

Then, in the last decade and a half, by God’s blessing, my involvement in ministry was as the “visiting team,” serving as a Chaplain in hospices, at a medical center, and in a behavioral and addiction hospital – the “away field.”

As a new chaplain I saw a level of caring that exceeded anything I had experienced or provided within the local church.

There I was taught that there was a way to care in the clinical setting. There were skills that were required, and other behaviors that were forbidden. My learning curve was steep.

The “away games” were surprisingly exciting and full of opportunity . As I applied this new set of skills , I was thrilled to see the truth and power of the gospel confirmed over and over again. I could represent Jesus without compromise, participate in many dramatic victories and see God’s light shine brightly in dark and traumatic circumstances.

When I practiced this new way with these breakthrough skills, my ministry encounters and personal relationships, on both the home and away fields, flourished.

Why didn’t I know this before?

The skills were simple but during decades of parish ministry they had never been emphasized in my education, what I read or in the conferences I attended. So, I never mastered them. This was probably true for most of my peers as well.

So, in my new season of ministry at Hospice of Saint John, with greater success and more confidence, I prayed, “Lord, if you allow me to take back to the local church what I have learned here, I will.” From that point on, my chaplain duties held even greater meaning, and my engagement with caring ministries in the local church grew dramatically.

Now I am writing a training material that includes the 7 Essentials for Caring that Make A Difference . Here is the short version.

You care. So, how can you be confident that you are giving the best care?

THE SEVEN ESSENTIALS Simple. Not easy.

1. THE NATURE TO CARE Are you a caring person?

a. You can’t give what you don’t have.

b. Start here.

2. A FOCUS ON OTHERS People matter.

a. Everyone has a story.

b. How many stories do you know?

3. YOUR PRESENCE You matter.

a. Do you feel God’s presence?

b. Your presence is valuable beyond measure.

c. How can someone feel your presence?

4. EXTREME LISTENING Listen before talking. Sometimes, don’t talk at all.

a. We live in a telling culture.

b. You haven’t listened until the one talking feels that they have been heard.

5. PATIENT PERSISTENCE Be in it for the long haul.

a. You can’t care in a hurry.

b. Recovery takes a lifetime.

6. SAFETY GUIDELINES Caring relationships are valuable. Handle with care.

a. Don’t do this alone.

b. Follow the rules.

7. BE READY The “Good Samaritan” was.

a. Opportunities happen.

b. They interrupt the norm.

THE OTHER CHAIR An example. Everybody can do this.

I can't wait to get these into a complete and user friendly package so you can use them, but until then, I'm eager to come to you! Email me at dan@bestcareministry.com.

Can Artificial Intelligence Care?

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 20:16:19 GMT

No, AI can NOT care!

It takes a spiritual connection with God and people.

God gives us a 'nature' to care.

Do you have a nature to care?

Artificial Intelligence is a new and interesting subject. It helps me make the point that caring is more about our 'nature' than just what we say or do. There needs to be a spiritual connection with God and with people.

Algorithms can take a little information from my blog, merge it with "its" knowledge and write something that sounds exactly like what I would have written. But would it have a soul? Would it have a spiritual connection with God and benefit from God's anointing over the my caring thoughts, feelings, prayers and actions?

Their is a source of love that cares.

There is an unseen and immeasurable aspect to being a caring person and offering a ministry of care. It is the Source of care that produces a 'nature' of care in the life of the person who believes in and follows the Source -- God. The new 'nature' comes from the interaction between God and a person.

God is love. He loves us. When we receive his love, we are loved. Then his love flows through us.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.

Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love...

This is love; not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

Dear friends, since god so loved us, we also ought to love one another...

We love because he first loved us.."

I John 4:7,8,10, 11, 19

Therefore, people of faith should be people who love and care for others. God performs a work inside of us to help us care for others. If we notice we don't care for others, we don't need to try to care more or fine tune our behavior so we have more caring actions. We need to start with the source of love and caring and ask him to give us the nature to love others as we are loved.

Care Ministry is about more than addressing the needs of people.

Care Ministry involves discovering the God who cares and letting His compassion flow through us in our actions toward others.

In 2020, as Covid was first affecting ministries, agencies, hospitals and every outlet of people service and care, I looked for answers to see how pastors, priests and ministries conducted themselves during previous pandemics. New to pandemics, I chose the one I had heard of the most, The Black Plague . I was drawn to the Reformer, John Calvin, who pastored through five out-breaks of the Black Plague during his pastoral ministry in Geneva, Switzerland.

My readings led me to Calvin on the Christian Life: Glorifying and Enjoying God Forever by Michael Horton. Known for His theology on the sovereignty of God, I was pleased to see how the expression of Calvin's theology flowed out into compassion and care for others . It should not have surprised me, but it was a part of His ministry that I did not know about. His words describe what I have felt as the application of my theology has progressed in my passion and participation in care ministry.

“Because we truly feed on Christ in the Supper, we are drawn ‘both to purity and holiness of life, and also to charity, peace and concord’ with each other… We will take care that none of our brethren is hurt, despised, rejected, injured, or in any way offended, without our, at the same time, hurting, despising, and injuring Christ...; that we cannot love Christ without loving our brethren; that the same care we take of our own body we ought to take of that of our brethren, who are members of our body; that as no part of our body suffers pain without extending to the other part, so every evil which our brother suffers ought to excite our compassion. Grace leads to gratitude—a thanksgiving toward God that turns us outward to our brothers and sisters and then also out to our neighbors, whoever they may be… The one who wants to love God can do so by loving the believers…Because God serves us, we can serve our neighbors.”

(Pp140-142)

Christian theology, as described by Calvin, is a robust expression of love freely received and freely given.

If we lack love for others, we must first draw close to God, confessing our cold heart, removing any barrier, and asking for a new experience of God’s forgiveness and love. When we are full of God’s love, care for the needs of others will follow .

One of the beauties of a care ministry is it continually takes us to new and deeper experiences of God’s love as we question suffering and wrestle with our love and care for others.

To love without God will still bear good fruit because of the value of love and care. We can be thankful for his prevenient grace. But the capacity will be limited to human ability and horizontal understanding.

We live with wars, grief, crime, abuse, sickness, addiction and human suffering beyond comprehension.

This is our time in history, as faith-based care ministries, to embark on a spiritual adventure without limits.

With the strong theology of Calvin and the Reformers, they could sacrificially minister through a catastrophic pandemic and offer extreme care. Then they preached a strong message of repentance and holiness. It is why their ministry did reform the culture and continues to influence ministry nearly 500 years later.

So as you apply your life to effectively caring for people during times of great need, you will be rewarded with much more than you can even imagine, if you develop a foundation of Biblical theology.

You will experience the source and reason for care as God works in giving you a new nature. The He will work through you to care for others so they experience His love. You will be engaging with God and with people and are doing divine work with eternal rewards. When you care, it matters, much more than you can measure.

The new nature produces new actions.

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free.

But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; r

ather, serve one another humbly in love.

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command:

“Love your neighbor as yourself...

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh...

The acts of the flesh are obvious…

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

gentleness and self-control.

Against such things there is no law.

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.”

Galatians 5:13, 14, 16, 18, 19, 22-25a

Have you received a new nature?

Scripture teaches there is an old nature, often called the flesh, and there is a new nature called the spirit.

Confessing your sins, receiving Christ as your Savior, and following Hm in baptism begins an amazing journey. Receive the new nature. When you receive Jesus’ work on the Cross to pay for your sins, God, at that time, gives you a new nature, a new identity, and His Spirit to live in you making you spiritually alive. You are born again and made new.

With this new nature you will have an appetite for and an ability to enjoy God’s presence and relate to Him personally. Scripture, prayer and worship become meaningful. You will grow to know Him as you are known by Him. You will become aware that He has made you with a design, sees you, pays attention to you, cares for you, equips and disciplines you according to His good and perfect plan. That will satisfy your deepest needs more than anything else will.

Enjoying His love with your new nature will also awaken your love for others and give you the energy to care for them .

If your nature is of the flesh, caring for other people will be difficult. Sometimes it will be acting in a caring way but with the wrong motives. God often works despite our shortcomings, but he wants to purify our hearts and perfect our actions.

When you receive Jesus’ work on the Cross to pay for your sins, God, at that time, gives you a new nature, a new identity, and His Spirit to live in you making you spiritually alive. You are born again and made new.

From your new nature will come the love for others and the energy to care for them.

If you do not care about others, you need to first check your relationship with your loving God. Your willpower and training to care will have minimal or no results without a healthy new nature.

The health and vitality of your new nature will mature and grow in an ever-increasing capacity and ability to know Him and allow His Spirit to flow through you so that you will love and care for others as Jesus does. That will be effective caring.

Take an inventory. Say a prayer.

Have you admitted your need for Jesus work on the Cross? Have you seen and/or felt evidence of something new inside of you?

What can you do to live and grow in your new nature?

“Almighty God, my Father, I call upon You and request of You that Your love may be found in me Your servant. I know not how to love as I ought; but You who are Love can reveal it unto me. Show me the way to Love. Amen.”

Disciplines of the Inner Life, BenSon & BenSon, p. 327

Grief finds each of us. It is involuntary. Grieving is a choice. We must learn how to grieve.

Sat, 02 Mar 2024 17:31:26 GMT

Grief is the most common human experience. Right now it seems to be everywhere.

GRIEF FINDS US.

Today there are many terrible events that cause grief.

Wars rage and people suffer.

Today was the funeral service for Laken Riley who died a brutal death during a jog. The algorhythms bring up many more horrible cases of wrongful deaths when searching to find more information about Laken and her family.

I've heard too often, "These are troubled times we are living in."

There does not seem to be any solution. We watch reports about these events, on television shows claiming to be news. They do little more than make one side mad at the other. Anger is a normal reaction to grief and being out of control. There is plenty of anger expressed. It is a valid expression of grief but often is unsatisfied after lashing out and causing even more loss. Living in a state of anger is like having emotional cancer.

The other end of the spectrum is to just feel bad. Really bad. Sad, anxious, sullen and depressed. Facing tragedies that we couldn't stop, we live in fear of the next one. Maybe it is just better to not care or medicate the pain away. Those attempts are very unhealthy.

GRIEVING IS VOLUNTARY

We can't help it that we live under a cloud of grief. The losses are everywhere and they are horrible, life changing and irreversible.

SO, HOW CAN WE GRIEVE OUR LOSSES?

Identify the loss and all of the various aspects of that loss.
Identify the pain that goes along with the loss.
Express the loss and the pain to someone you trust. Find someone who will just listen until you feel you have been heard. If you can't find someone, write your feelings in a journal.
If you are the listener, realize that you can't make the grieving person feel better. They simply need to feel that they have been heard.

Most of us are afraid to grieve. We don't know what will be accomplished. How long will it last? What will I be like as a grieving person? Going to where the pain is not only painful, but we wonder how or if we will ever be happy again. Will we be stuck there with only our dark emotions, finding no way to live the life we desire?

GRIEVING IS NECESSARY

To not grieve is to live of life under the chronic cloud of grief. The dark emotions do not mysteriously go away over time and the reality of the loss remains.

But when a person grieves, they admit the reality of their loss and come to understand the pain that is a new part of their life. Unfortunately, they discover that we live in a grieving world. Everybody faces loss, some more than others. It is the most common human experience. Even God grieves. Jesus was, "A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief."

When we accept the pain of grief into our soul we are less superficial, more in touch with reality and have the potential to be more compassionate. We recognize that we are not in control of life, and while that is frightening, searching for the God who helps us, leads us to become more spiritually alive and live with an eternal perspective.

A STRATEGY FOR GRIEVING -- THE MINISTRY OF THE OTHER CHAIR

Beyond the normal support groups for those dealing with the loss of a loved one, we need to bring grief and grieving to the front and center our ministries. Everyone needs to be trained to walk with someone going through loss because we all are!

God made the most important things simple. Not easy, but simple. It is not easy because the topic is heavy but it is uncomplicated. Simple.

Honor a person with your presence. Sit with them. I call it the ministry of the "other chair." It may be in a living room, the office conference room, the local coffee shop, or on a park bench.
Listen as they describe their loss and the pain that they are feeling or how the events of the world make them feel. We need relationships where people can talk about their losses and the losses in our world that affect us all.
Stay together for the long haul. You can't care in a hurry and grief lasts a life time. Learning be a friend, mentor, colleague or a person in a supportive role, will be valuable beyond measure. I think we can do better than we are.

We all experience emotional pain when we hear about the horrors of the Russia Ukraine and the Israel Hamas wars.

On the home front crime causes loss. Many who commit crimes have ungrieved losses in their lives. Poverty, addiction, abuse and trauma add to the cycle of grief and loss.

Somehow, we must break the cycle . It will require more than a few pastors' sermons, or a graduating class of therapists to make a dent on helping our society become emotionally healthy and compassionate. Churches and care ministries can show the way, and equip people to be the meaningful listeners. The world is hurting and the pain will not just go away. Time does not heal all wounds!

Without dumbing down the complexity of grief, we must simplify the strategy to help a grieving world so that the masses will become involved.

LET'S DO SOMETHING.

Watch and share the grief video on our website. Go to the Listen page at www.BestCareMinistry.com and find the 2 minute 59 second video on Grief and Loss. Then share it with as many people as you can. Encourage them to sit in a chair with someone and talk about the painful issues in their lives and in our world.
Leave a comment and/or send me an email. Lets. you and I, discuss how we can collaborate to help people talk about our grief in our families, churches, neighborhoods and culture.

We are a culture living with grief. Here is something we can do. May God help us make a difference as we work and live in this time in history.

Last time it was AFib. This time it is cancer. Neither time was convenient. Both times were necessary.

Sat, 24 Feb 2024 18:51:53 GMT

We have a care crisis in our ministries and in our culture.

Here is a big step to solving it.

The nature of care ministry is to respond to needs when they happen. They often happen at inconvenient times.

I first published this post last year about this time. That was about AFib when the news came that my wife's Dad developed heart problems. He was in the hospital with atrial fibrillation ( aka AFib). People live with AFib but also have strokes and die from AFib, so with heart related deaths in his family, Susan was very concerned about her Dad in North Carolina.

This week it is cancer.

Now I update the post with a new crisis. There is a lesion, perhaps a metastasis. We don't know but something serious is going on. So, without plans for a trip and nestled down, after a long trip last month, for the final month of winter, it is back in the car and travelling again for a necessary, not pleasure, trip.

There is never a convenient time for the things we hope will never happen.

Our plans don't include these emergencies and they interrupt our schedules that are already full. Adjustments to routines are made that define a father-daughter relationship and express the love they have for each other. There may not be a second chance for this type of visit.

We decided with the AFib she would take the time, as much as needed, for her to be with her Dad . That remains our practice.

If the condition becomes worse, she will be there. If he recovers, she will be there. In either case she will be present to attend doctor visits, understand the treatments and provide the practical support of caring for her Dad. The value of this time far surpasses the costs of time, or money. Our lives can be interrupted because this is a very high priority.

Through her presence, everything will be said that needs to be said and done that needs to be done .

While it does not make up for all the times that they missed seeing each other over the years when recreational and holiday trips were not always possible , it does provide a sense of fulfillment as they have an extended time of togetherness -- especially at a critical time. His AFib plateaued and so she returned home. We don't know how long the cancer situation will last and what the outcome will be but in both cases there is the peace that, if something catastrophic does happen, she has no unfinished business . Everything will be said that needs to be said and done that needs to be done.

Another daughter to another father that I know of, spent the last several months of his life out of state, at his home during in his final stages with cancer. The time, well spent, revealed priorities, expressed love, and addressed life-long regrets.

Wise caregivers know, care is not convenient, life is interrupted by need, and you can't care in a hurry.

So when someone is trying to decide what to do when a crisis interrupts their plans, help them to find a way to spend time with their loved ones. It probably is inconvenient, but it is a lot better than living with the regrets of unexpressed love and missed opportunities.

Do we allow for the interrupt factors in our ministries too?

During the busy Sunday morning activities at the church of one of my friends and Care Pastor colleagues, a 47-year-old man experienced a cardiac event in the church lobby. All normal activities were interrupted while the paramedics attempted resuscitation. The worship songs seemed inappropriate. The sermon too. So everything stopped. People were quiet. Prayerful. Contemplative. Supportive of the close friends and family of the man in the critical situation. Unfortunately, this young man did not survive.

Many plans and programs are interrupted by emergency surgeries, accidents, and an unexpected diagnosis--sometimes shootings, crimes and protests. We are often frustrated, confused and perhaps angered by the inconvenience of this need for care. Those emotions are normal. But above the emotions we should be prepared to be interrupted. Can we pivot to respond to a need? Will we put our plans on hold and be present with the person who needs our care? Slow down? Listen?

Interruptions are to be expected.

The interruptions are the defining moments of life, often more than efforts and results of the plans we make. We need to raise up a culture of "Good Samaritans" who are trained to care and willing to be interrupted . When we do we will care better than ever before, people will feel God's care and we will live and minister with the knowledge that we did what mattered.

We have a care crisis in our ministries. Our culture longs for someone to stop and care for them. I hope this post helps you handle interruptions with grace so you offer the best care.

Saluting Helen's work during Black History Month

Sat, 17 Feb 2024 17:47:44 GMT

Helen's work exceeded all expectations.

I worked with Helen during the night shift at Hospice of Saint John, in Denver.

For some reason, from 1-3 am seemed to be prime time for people to pass from this life into the next. Our roles were different but we often worked together during those difficult hours.

Our hospice set the bar high for providing dignity to those at the end of life and following their passing.

Other hospices learned from the way we did things. We did not use body bags or toe tags. Their ride to the mortuary was an honored escort in the transport vehicle--they were the only patient. The face of the deceased was not covered until they were ready to enter the transport vehicle. A Chaplain attended every death, 24/7/365. It was my job to oversee this process for the many deaths that I attended.

At our Inpatient Care Center, which was the second oldest inpatient hospice in the United States, CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) would prepare the body to be transported. After the passing, usually the family would step out of the room to give the CNA space and time to do her work of preparing the body to be moved. Many times, the final hours and minutes were messy. Fresh bedding would often be put on the bed. The body would be bathed and then dressed in fresh bed clothes (occasionally street clothes) and tucked into a clean and orderly bed. With the head resting on a pillow and the hands folded over the patient, often, a small bouquet of flowers would be placed in the hands.

All of our CNAs showed compassion to our patients and treated them with dignity, but Helen excelled above all.
The family of the deceased said their farewell and committed this patient to our care. With the outside world asleep and no one watching, Helen worked in the early morning hours with the difficult and dramatic task of tending to a dead body. She did not know I saw her.

I watched as Helen applied skin cream, gently and thoroughly, as we might to our own bodies after we take a hot bath or shower.

Her work was angelic .

Often I called her an angel as I raved about her work and the love that flowed from her hands as she cared for patients.

Helen is a black woman. I don't know how that affects the way she works but I do know that no one else could do her job any better than she did. Her motive was to treat each patient with dignity and her actions were a tribute to hospice care, CNAs and her race. Her salary helped put her daughter though college.

I've worked with many Black medical professionals including doctors, nurses, therapists, in home caregivers and CNAs, who deserve recognition for their work, especially during Black History Month.

When you care for people who care for people, you are helping to provide the best care.

How much does a kiss matter?

Fri, 09 Feb 2024 21:27:57 GMT

A kiss matters more than you think!

Who would have thought that a kiss could help us be better care ministers? A better person? Adjust my priorities?

Maybe my wife sees how caring for others sometimes makes me tired. How all the needs can overwhelm me. She sent me the following devotional from Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts , for Valentine’s Day and I thought you might enjoy it on this special weekend. I need to remember that all of her concerns for family, finances, my schedule, her concerns weigh on her too.

“So, Man of Mine, when you come to me and tell me that one of the kids locked the keys in your truck — again — I see how your shoulders sag. How life wears at a man, how life weighs at a man.

This is hard.

When does a woman get to sit across the table from the man she gave her I do to — and not think about her to-do list?

What we really need to do is to make time. Yeah, I know: Time is a supreme gift — and the one thing nobody really wants to give to anybody. But I’m slowing down for you…. I decide you. I decide us…

So we’re the married fools committed to it now everyday, like our dance step through life’s minefield, a kiss. A long and slow 10 seconds. [The Real 5 Second Rule Times Two]

Bills. Laundry. Kids. Groceries. Kids. Dishes. Kids. Garbage. Errands. To-Do lists. Kids.

Kiss. A long and Slow 10 Seconds. [The Real 5 Second Rule Times Two] It could be the vow of the married: The 10 Second Kiss for Wedded Bliss.

And yeah, a kiss may not mean bliss — but it may mean a beginning? So there’s that: Every day we’ll kiss each other 10 seconds or longer — like we did at the altar. Like we have the time to be living sacrifices for each other…

Why we didn’t frame it and title the moment before? Because every married mother, every married father, ever married wage earner, mortgage maker, bill payer, needs to remember how they are still a married lover.

I have no idea why we haven’t done this before. No idea why they don’t tell you on your wedding day that there is a 'disproportionate amount of brain space taken up with processing information from the lips compared to the rest our our bodies'‘ how even a light brush of the lips lights up a large part of our brain…

How didn’t we know that cortisol levels, which determines our stress levels, decreases after kissing. Who knew that the 10 Second kiss of Wedded Bliss nixes hours of stress. Who knew that locking of lips unlocks oxytocin, the hormone that makes us bond and keeps us bonded, keeps us attached, keeps us connected.

Yeah, our life is hard. And our love is stronger.”

(From One Thousand Gifts: Devotional on Finding Everyday Graces by Ann Voscamp, the February 12 ^th reading.)

So, Care Minister, in all your care for others, don’t forget your highest priority, to care for your spouse. Because when you do you are doing what is right. You also care for yourself and you stay healthy so you can continue to care for others.

How to care for the spouse of a cancer patient.

Fri, 02 Feb 2024 17:09:15 GMT

During a cancer battle the spouse has needs too.

The spouse of a cancer patient needs to be cared for too.

Their experiences are different than the patient but they present a dramatic set of needs that should not be carried alone. Especially when the patient's needs are acute and much energy is focused on the disease process and their treatment and care, the needs of the supportive spouse can be overlooked and caring for their needs can be neglected. They may even feel guilty expressing their needs when their spouse is so sick.

I just passed the third anniversary from my diagnosis.

My wife aptly named my grade of Chondrosarcoma, "The least bad of the not good."

At the time of the diagnosis and for months to come, we were in a new world learning about a disease we had never heard of except in the general term "bone cancer." Our emotions were intense and all over the place, occasionally intersecting with the same feeling at the same time. But most of the time we were at different places in or thoughts, questions and feelings.

We as a couple went to the doctor and talk about the diagnosis and the needed surgery. We heard the news together and agreed on what to do. But we were two different people with two sets of needs. After the surgery when I was recovering, she participated with me. She went to my appointments and observed most of my occupational and physical therapy sessions. Her routine was upset with a new set of chores and a hospital bed on the main floor of the house.

But beyond those obvious challenges, it was more complicated for a spouse because most of the time she watches and wonders when she can't feel what is actually happening inside of me during each moment and each step. I experience each day and every step. Because I deal with the effects of the surgery constantly, my recovery, physically, emotionally and spiritually is different, maybe even ahead, of her recovery.

I am thankful that God has given me healing and remarkable progress. Each set of scans over that past two years have produced the great news of "cancer free." I have a large scar and some nerve damage around my hip, but I have turned my therapy sessions into a exercise routine where I work out rigorously. Since my recovery, I have been able to jog, snow ski and climbed Grays Peak, one of Colorado's 14ers (14,000+ feet of elevation).

ONCE A CANCER PATIENT, ALWAYS A CANCER PATIENT

After the doctor examined my scar and hip, he said, about the numbness, tightness and tendencies to stiffen, “These will be a lifelong reminder of all that your body went through.” In other words, these results will remain.

We scheduled the next set of scans. Then I will get a CT scan of the pelvic area and the chest. As the doctor was walking out the door I asked, “Why do we need to do a CT of the chest?”

His answer helped me to understand what it means to be a cancer patient.

“That is the nature of cancer. You can’t just cut out cancer. There could be microscopic cells lying dormant that could become a problem. We need to be diligent.”

I understand that to mean, my tumor grew for an unknown reason. It had to be removed or, like a dandelion in the lawn, it would make seeds and spread. By removing it, we got rid of a big problem. But, that did not remove what caused it in the first place. We don’t know what caused some cells to go rogue and grow into a malignant tumor. That is why my tumor is registered in a database and frozen in a laboratory somewhere to be used for research. Understanding the cause of Chondrosarcoma is a major step to a cure of Chondrosarcoma.

Once a cancer patient, always a cancer patient--until they cure the cause. We live with hope that God will be adequate and always present no matter what. Caring friends will be His hands and feet of support in any way we need.

And, we live with greater awareness of the vulnerability of life and the value of care expressed by family and friends.We live with new appreciation for each day. We are thankful for my restored mobility and the ability to walk, jog, mow the grass, walk upstairs to the bedroom, take out the trash…

Be we also live with a new temptation of doubt and fear. I pray we will remember the lessons of this journey and live with greater intensity, purpose and trust in God. That usually comes from living out loud inside a caring relationship.

THE SPOUSE, ALSO, NEEDS TO RECEIVE CARE

As the patient, I need to remember that my spouse’s journey is different than mine. The destination may be the same, but the timing, process and coping methods are different because of the different perspective and experience.

The spouse of a cancer patient needs attention too. The patient needs to recognize their spouse's needs and the spouse needs to understand their own needs too.

The spouse needs someone to be present with them and hear their story—not the story of the patient.
How does it feel to be going through this as a spouse?
What are your worst fears?
May I keep checking on you/or find a Stephen Minister/or someone to walk alongside you on this journey?

The support should come from someone outside the family because each of the family members has their own journey to consider. It might be more difficult to be honest with the frustrations and fears with a family member. There is the tendency to want to be strong and not pile on any more needs to the already dramatic situation. But there are more needs.

CARING FOR THE COUPLE WHEN CANCER IS INVOLVED

As a Pastor, Care Pastor or other form of caregiver, you can help the spouse remain healthy while the patient is working to get healthy. When you walk alongside someone suffering with cancer, you will also have the opportunity to help the spouse. I hope this post draws attention to this need and offers a few questions that we can ask to help the spouse move in the right direction. Support groups exist through the American Cancer Society and Online, but there is nothing like a caring person to walk alongside a spouse, for the long-haul of a cancer journey.

Care matters for everyone! Let's offer the best care.

I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment.

PRAY 52 -- Prayer Training for a Stronger Life

Fri, 26 Jan 2024 18:21:18 GMT

Training (vs trying) for a stronger life (and ministry). Pray 52.

TRYING vs TRAINING

Today, I can go outside and try to run a marathon (26.2 miles). That will be a colossal failure in less than a mile (12 minutes).

Or, I can take a few years to train for a marathon with a plan that involves incremental progress. Discipline to follow that plan, using the advice and expertise of those who have gone before me, will give me measurable goals, beginning with where I am and lead me to a realistic result.

Truthfully, the experts might say, "Don't even try," but that is about running. This post is about prayer.

That is the way I heard John Mark Comer describe Training vs. Trying on the Carey Nieuwhof podcast. He gave credit to Dallas Willard and Richard Foster for the idea. John Ortberg also pops up if you Google "Training vs. Trying."

Here is a Prayer-Training plan that will last for one year. Everyone can do this, even if you can not run a marathon. It will help you focus your heart that cares for many issues and people , and keep prayer from feeling like a marathon. Instead of feeling like you never pray enough, and living in a state of prayer frustration, use this 52 Day Focus to establish a prayer rhythm with a limited season that you can measure.

I stumbled onto this pray rhythm about ten years ago and it has worked wonders for me. Hopefully it will you too. While the Biblical use of the number 52 was not specifically about prayer, it does contain some interesting facts that can be used to develop a Biblical rhythm for a devotional life that results in a stronger life.

ACCELERATED RESULTS

Nehemiah rebuilt the walls of Jerusalem in 52 days. He did that with a ragtag work force that either had been living in ruins for 70 years or who were returning from a 70 year exile. There was opposition from outside forces and inside doubters. Oh, and they had no resources. It was miraculous. In today's world we can't even build a house in 52 days. Last year it took a month for us to redo our bathroom. (LOL)

Nehemiah's accomplishment was an example of accelerated results . Can there be accelerated results in other settings and for different needs?

TO SUM IT UP

Biblical numbers hold great meaning that give us insight into God's ways. 52 is the sum of 40 and 12 and there a 7, 52s in one year.

40 is the Biblical number for trial and purification.

12 is the Biblical number for divine rule and establishment.

52 is the sum and the number for accelerated results.

7 is the number of perfection and completion . It is God's number (John Elways' too, but he is not God).

TEACH US TO NUMBER OUR DAYS

Count the days. Assign a theme .

In my journal and/or planner, I count off the days. The dates and themes are given below.

Select a Scripture

In my journal and/or planner, I count off the days. The dates and themes I use are given below. I select a primary Scripture reading for the whole 52 days. It can be a verse, a chapter, a set of chapters or a book of the Bible. Throughout this year I will offer some ideas. Repetition produces depth of understanding. 52 days takes us through changes in moods, circumstances, weather, times of day, tasks, responsibilities and relationship ups and downs. You will have many and diverse opportunities to hear from and apply what you are learning from your Scripture reading.

You may want to write the date in your Bible. Years from now that can remind you of the time, and the victory you had, during that season of your life. Write you major insights in your journal or in a notebook where you record what you are learning.

Focus your Prayer

Major themes provide the foundation. The following seven cover the major areas of church, culture and people needs. Follow along these themes for the full 52 days.

Then insert personal concerns, needs of individuals you are caring for and anything else that burdens your soul as they come up.

Find a way that works for you to keep track of them. A prayer journal, prayer list or highlights in your planner, that coincide with your method of recording learning is Scripture, are three good ways to keep track so you can look back and see what God has done.

You will be amazed! I don't know how it will work for you, but I can say, in nearly every season of 52 days that I have tracked in my life, there has been at least one major victory or breakthrough. Several have been life changing. Together my whole life has been energized.

DATES AND THEMES

52 Days to Pray for revival in the life of believers and the Church

January 1 thru February 21

52 Days to Pray for relationships with and forgiveness for others.

February 22 thru April 14

52 Days to Pray for a spiritual awakening in our communities so many come to salvation in Jesus.

April 15 thru June 5

52 Days to Pray for physical, emotional and mental health and healing.

June 6 thru July 27

52 Days to Pray for segments of our society (Business, Education, Entertainment, Sports, Recreation, Fitness, etc.).

July 28 thru September 17

52 Days to Pray for our nation, government and people in authority (locally, state, nationally and around the world).

September 18 thru November 8

52 Days to Pray for the poor and disenfranchised.

November 9 thru December 31

START NOW. TELL YOUR STORY. GET THE CONVERSATION GOING.

Together we will strengthen our lives and our ministries by training to pray. By talking about it we will encourage each other and then, only God knows how much will be accomplished as we care for others, especially through prayer.

I say a loving thank you to the very dedicated prayer team

at Mountainview Christian Church, Highlands Ranch, CO

for working with me to develop and use this rhythm of prayer.

Caring for one another works in the absolute worst of circumstances.

Fri, 19 Jan 2024 21:14:19 GMT

The hardest place to be a Christian,

according to Open Doors World Watch Ranking,

is North Korea.

Caring for others is in the spiritual DNA of a Christian because it is God's nature.

That is why I write about Care Ministry and why every Christian and Church should be known by the way they care for people.

That is also how we care for people. God give followers of Jesus a new nature and it matches His loving nature, because it is the Holy Spirit that gives life to the new nature.

This post recognizes how many Christians care in the worst of circumstances.

Caring works in the worst situations in the darkest places on earth.

Recently I heard the comedian, Tim Hawkins, do a routine on the cliche, "That's the worst." He referred to his wife's response to his daughter waiting for frIends at the mall with, "That's the worst." We might use it when our favorite football team is favored by two touchdowns and loses by four. Getting the flu, or stuck in traffic often gets a "That's the worst" response.

Caring usually takes place in the worst circumstances in a person's life. After a loss and during times of suffering, "That's the worst" may be correct.

So, when I saw this week's email from "Christianity Today" (https://newsletters.christianitytoday.com/ ) with an article on The 50 Hardest Places to Be A Christian , I couldn't help but thinking, "This IS the worst." And then I noticed that believers who are living in the worst of the worst are caring for each other.

The following information from the ministry, Open Doors , used in the "Christianity Today" article, sobers us with the condition of human suffering, inspires us with the acts of people to care for others and educates us about God's power to equip people to care for others in the worst of circumstances.

The following material is from the Open Doors website: https://www.opendoors.org/en-US/persecution/countries/north-korea/.

"What does persecution look like in North Korea?

Being discovered to be a Christian in North Korea is effectively a death sentence. Either believers will be deported to labour camps as political criminals, where they face a life of hard labor which few survive, or they are killed on the spot. The same fate awaits family members. There are believed to be tens of thousands of Christians held in labor camps across the country.

It’s impossible for Christians to live freely in North Korea. Meeting for worship is almost impossible and must be done in utmost secrecy, and at grave risk. In May 2023, five members of a family were arrested as they gathered for prayer and Bible study. Christian literature was also confiscated. The group had reportedly been meeting on a weekly basis, and their arrest followed a tip-off by an informant.

The deplorable treatment of believers is driven by the authoritarian regime’s view that Christians are a particular threat to the country’s leadership and society. The "Anti-reactionary thought law" (enacted in December 2020) makes it amply clear that being a Christian or possessing a Bible is a serious crime and will be severely punished. The churches shown to visitors in Pyongyang serve mere propaganda purposes...

There has also been a growing shortage of food, with thousands at risk of starvation.

The crisis has been so severe that the authorities began a mobilization campaign to get people farming, but many have avoided participation because food isn’t provided. However, even as believers experience their own shortage of food, they've been selflessly helping others. “There are inspiring stories told to us that [North Korean] believers are helping their neighbors—sharing food, medicine and other resources they own, even though the food is not enough for even themselves ,” says Brother Simon*, Open Doors' coordinator for North Korea ministry."

ACTION ITEM: Let us care for those in the worst of circumstances. We can pray for them, even if we can't reach them. The websites above inform us of the needs and print prayers we can use as we care for them.

I hope this post inspires you to care for the persecuted church and devote yourself to offering the best care for those within your reach. You will help people and glorify our God who cares.

Pray we say the right thing. Pray for healing when we say the wrong thing.

Sat, 13 Jan 2024 20:28:31 GMT

Pray we say the right thing.. Pray for healing when we say the wrong thing..

When we care for people, we need to be careful with what we say.

In a caring situation, especially in sickness and grief, when someone is hurting, an uninformed comment or a lame attempt to say something, when presence and listening would be best, often result in pain, sometimes long term damage.

Today I met a young woman who waited on me at the office supply store. Our conversation began around my printing needs but went transitioned to her way of life. She departed from her Christian roots when her dearly beloved grandfather died. He meant the world to her, as the kindest most supportive and caring man she knew. In her grief as a little girl, every pastor she talked too said those things we should never say. Instead of validating a little girls pain and loss, they gave theological answers that were intended to explain why "God takes people to Heaven."

Those answers did not make sense to a grieving little girl, and now, almost two decades later they still don't. The pain lingers and the memories of ineffective care do too.

This felt like one of those "Good Samaritan" opportunities that we need to be looking for . The store was not too busy so I asked her a few questions that gave her the opportunity to tell me her story and describe the grandfather that she so dearly loved. I ended up being there for at least half-an-hour. She told me a lot of her story and vividly described the grandfather she still adores.

The misspoken words were not intended to do harm. They pastors had good intentions based upon their knowledge of the Scriptures. I don't entirely disagree with everything they said, but I do think they were seriously off target and poorly timed with their advice. I confess that I have made similar mistakes.

I was reminded of a prayer that I have recently come across in my devotions.

"Oh God, you have made us for fellowship and have given us the power both to help and harm our fellows, grant us the wisdom to know what is their good and the ready will to help them to attain it. Heal those we have wounded, strengthen those whom we have failed. grant us all your healing grace , and make our fellowship to be your family, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen".

Norman B. Nash in Daily Prayer Companion in Disciplines of the Inner Life, by Benson, p. 136.

Let's do our best to learn how to support those who grieve and suffer, and let us also pray for healing for those we have harmed.

BBQ and Care Ministry. Make them the Best they can be!

Sat, 06 Jan 2024 17:08:49 GMT

Kansas City BBQ, at Jack Stack is simply the best BBQ

You will go out of your way for the best.

Susan and I just road-tripped over 1,300 miles to be with our daughter, her husband and their two adorable children for a late celebration of the holidays. We road-tripped from Wooster, OH to Castle Rock, CO and that took us through Kansas City.

A friend put us on to Jack Stack BBQ . I don't think I ever met BBQ I didn't like but once I had Jack Stack , I knew I had the best. For me, all other BBQs are now measured by how they compare to Jack Stack . Actually, it will be a comparison for how they measure up. Jack Stack is the standard.

Now, we make sure our trip includes Jack Stack . We plan our stops so we are heading through Kansas City at lunch or dinner time and that isn't easy on a cross-country road trip.

Everyone that works there is confident they are the best. They enjoy the customer's pleasure that comes from them being the best. And, beyond Patrick Mahome and the Chiefs, the city of Kansas City is renown for its BBQ.

What if your ministry provided the Best Care and people would go out of their way to experience it?

There are four ingredients to the Jack Stack recipe that translates to care ministry:

You have something to offer that people have an appetite for. Everyone needs to feel cared for.
Be passionate about it. It is clear to me, even without knowing the people, Jack Stack cared about BBQ and seeing people enjoy it. That was his passion and there is an excitement around it. Ministries need to be passionate about their care for people.
Being the best is not an accident. Lots of work goes into being the best. There is a way to do BBQ and a way to care. Discover the essentials of care. Learn from those who do it best. Put together the best ingredients and you will come up with something that people like.
Being the best is contagious. People want to be part of what is best. When we are passionate about care, and offer the best care, people will notice and they will do the same.

The results will be delicious. Your care matters!

_____________________________ "Let me do something," God said.

Wed, 27 Dec 2023 22:40:51 GMT

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

I'm not sure when it started for me, but it definitely happened. I feel like I always need to be doing something .

Send a text or an email.
Visit someone sick or shut in.
Make a hospital call.
Writ a blog post.
Record a podcast episode.
Return a call.
Work on a project.
Start a project.
Finish a project.
Plan.
Read another book.
Pray more.
Study the Bible better.
Write in my journal.
There must be something or someone that needs to be done or who needs me.....

A day off, when I really felt unplugged, is a distant memory. Even a good vacation holds the feeling that I should be doing something else and when I get back, I'll be behind in "my" work.

This week between Christmas and New Year's Day is an odd week.

People are not working as much and a slower pace seems right. Being busy, for a change, feels wrong.

I googled it to see what others are calling it. An online site called Mirror listed a few names starting with Twixtmas . "In Norway. They call it Romjul or mellomjul , which basically means the period between Christmas and New Year... Other names include, 'Nothing you do this week counts.' 'The void.' 'What day is it?'"

I decided to call it, "'Let me do something,' God said."

While there are lazy people in the world that need to get moving in 2024, I bet none of them are reading this blog post.

You are in Care Ministry and you ALWAYS have something to do.

So, we need this odd week to help us adjust our perspective and pace as we head into a New Year. This year during this weird week, I even got the miserable cold virus that is going around. I had to be still and rest to get better so I can travel to see the family out West. And it felt so good.

Being still helps us adjust to the correct perspective.

Sickness and injuries, over the years have been times that interrupted my busyness. When I'm sick, injured, like the week between Christmas and New Years, I don't feel guilty resting. What makes the rest so valuable is it reminds me that I am not the Savior. It isn't all up to me. I've have not hear an audible voice, but in my soul I feel the Lord reminding me, "This is my work. Let me do something."

When I injured my back and couldn't work and when I was laid up for a month after my cancer surgery, I experienced a healing that went beyond my body. There was the realization that it God works and I am privileged beyond measure to be called to participate in a significant, yet very small part of His work. He leads. I follow. Sometimes he says, "Be still..." "Observe the Sabbath." "Don't just work for me, be in sync with the work I am doing." "Know me better."

So, this week of Twixtmas, slow down and remember, caring is God's work. Let Him do something.

God is working and He will call us into His work at the right time and place to make the best things happen. And we will be healthier and happier in the process (so will those we love). And we will be able to care better and longer and provide the best care.

Help the Church care the way God cares.

Wed, 20 Dec 2023 00:42:22 GMT

Here are 8 ways to provide resources that will help the

Church care the way God cares.

My first "fishing-on-the-other-side-of-the-boat" experience happened about a decade and a half ago. That is when I joined the world of Care Ministry in the clinical setting of Hospice. My learning curve was steep!!! What I learned improved all of my life and ministry -- inside and outside the Church.

Now I'm feeling like another "fishing-on-the-other-side-of-the-boat" experience is coming.

Did you realize there were two miraculous catches in the Bible? The second had bigger fish than the first -- 153. The second miraculous catch was Jesus' last miracle of his earthly ministry and took place shortly before his ascension. It confirmed the first miraculous catch was not a fluke. It reinstated Peter, with Jesus' forgiveness, to full fellowship and service. It was the prelude to the new Church era soon to come.

2024 will be the third year of Best Care Ministry. It may be the year of another miraculous catch with many more people experiencing a "fishing-on-the-other-side-of-the-boat" experience. Some of you have been with me for a long time. Welcome to all who are just getting acquainted.

During these past two years, in a new chapter of my life and ministry, free from a full-time ministry staff position, I have been distilling my chaplain and parish experiences and training into content that can be caught and taught.

Most of us care emotionally, and usually with great earnestness. But too often we don't know how to care effectively and our actions are sincerely wrong.

So in year three, it is time to grow Best Care Ministry to show more people how to care effectively so many people and ministries will have a "fishing-on-the-other-side-of-the-boat" experience in 2024.

In 2024, much of the content that has been written and spoken will be packaged into a user-friendly online format so you can experience the benefits of caring effectively and have useable tools handy to train those in your ministry. Then we will offer the best care with results that are beyond measure. Soon your culture will be impacted and a new era will be born.

Will you to be part of our second "other-side-of-the-boat" experience? Here are eight ways you can be be part of the Miraculous 153 so we can get everything produced and packaged for primetime use early in 2024.

Join our Prayer Team. (Receive prayer requests about our ministry, ministry leaders and those with needs that we encounter as we care.)
Connect and help us grow. (Read/Listen/Follow/Subscribe/Share/Like our Weekly Email, Blog, Podcast and on social media at Facebook, Instagram, soon LinkedIn and X.)

Donate

$25 per month (120 donors will cover a whole year of general operating expenses)
$420 for a month of podcasts (12 donors will cover a year of producing the Who Cares? podcast.)
$500 a month to reach more through social media (12 donors will help us reach thousands for an entire year).
$5,000 to produce a Welcome to the Big Leagues Webcast (This is from Dan’s book, Welcome to the Big Leagues, the prequel to Best Care Ministry. A revamped website is included.)
$24,000 to Produce The 7 Essentials Video Training Series (5 donations near $5000 will help us educate many ministries about care ministry and essential training skills for an immeasurable [Eph. 3:20] impact.)
$36,000 To establish 3 Cities with Care Ministry teams . We will continue using the same methodology that I used when I connected with over 1000 people in Care Ministry, primarily in the Denver area. (For $12,000, per city, we will support a pastor/chaplain/worker in care ministry, reach 144 new ministries by face-to-face visits and build a Care Ministry team in that city that will support care ministry workers while caring for many. Three teams is the goal for 2024, but it is only a start. More funds = more locations. Eventually we will be everywhere!)

When we care like God cares, and people experience God's love, we will see results beyond anything we have seen before. I can't wait to see what happens!

For the Miraculous 153 participants there will be email updates every month and a spring and fall Zoom Town Hall. Please prayerfully consider being part of the M153 team for 2024.

You can join the prayer team by emailing Dan ( dan@bestcareministry.com ).
You can make a recurring monthly donation or a one-time donation on the give/donate page of the website ( https://www.bestcareministry.com/donate ).
You may also mail a check to Best Care Ministry, 3760 Burbank Road, Unit 1010, Wooster, OH 44691.
Best Care Ministry is a 501-c-3 Non-Profit Corporation. Your donations are tax deductible.

Shoot me an email (dan@bestcareministry.com) if you would like to discuss any of this or have questions. I'll get back to you and we can set up a time to talk by phone or Zoom. I'd love to talk to you.

Recover from the cost of caring.

Sat, 09 Dec 2023 14:59:25 GMT

Recovering is intentional.

Her are 7 Steps to a full recovery!

There is a cost to care.

When you care for someone you pour yourself out emotionally, spiritually and mentally as you focus on them and their need(s). That takes much energy. You will also feel physically spent.

In our natural state, that is unsustainable. You can't keep caring without taking care of yourself.

Lately I've been feeling stressed. Of course! I haven't taken a day off. There is always a task to do, someone to visit, funds to raise, something to write, a project to work on. That is my compulsion driven by anxiety. God isn't asking me to work all the time. He calls me to himself to experience some Immanuel. God with us/me.

I am called to work out of the fullness of God's presence, not to squeeze out the last drop of my weakness.

Here are seven steps to recovery and fullness so that you will be full and work will be a pleasure, even easy.

Decide . "I choose to stop my busyness and seek God's presence and direction.
Stop . Be still for a brief time or a long time, stop moving, breath deeply and slow your anxious heart. (Find time to sit in front of the fireplace, especially during this very busy holiday season.)
Pray. "Speak Lord. God, be with me. Help me feel your presence."
Listen . God leads, challenges, corrects, confirms, affirms -- all for you good according to His love and purpose. He will speak into your Spirit. What is he saying to you? What Scripture coincides with what you are hearing? Maybe reading your Bible comes first.
Trust. God will empower, equip and supply you for whatever he calls you to do and He will also be working beyond anything you can see or measure.
Do. Take action from the experience of God's presence and in obedience to God's leading.
Rest. Trust God to work. You 've done what you've been asked to do. Watch and see what God does. Experience peace, confidence and results (not compulsive and tired activity). "I trust you God. I trust You. Amen."

Then repeat. And repeat. And repeat...

You will recover from everything you have poured out and will live in the fullness of serving God by caring for His people.

Your care matters!!! Live in a way that you can keep caring.

Do you know your pastor's/care pastor's/ministry leader's concerns?

Sun, 03 Dec 2023 21:37:58 GMT

A prayer for the awareness of God's presence.

"Oh, Lord, we put our whole hope in You.

Especially for those who are called to serve Your people

we realize they need You.

Not only do they care for us,

but there are burdens that are heavy in their lives.

So, in this moment, on their behalf,

I quiet my soul and still my activities and wait for Your presence,

for me and for them.

Help them to feel your closeness and care,

and be renewed in their souls, spirit, mind and body.

In Jesus I pray.

Amen."

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope."

Psalms 130:5

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding not one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak...

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28,29,31

I am thankful for the pivot to care ministry. I was wearing out trying to do the church growth thing.

Sat, 25 Nov 2023 18:07:33 GMT

As soon as I began to focus on care,

ministry became more satisfying and successful.

I was wearing myself out trying the "church growth thing."

But then came my new job as a Chaplain at Hospice of Saint John in Lakewood, CO.

And everything changed.

It was more than "my sweet spot." I believe Care Ministry is the way God meant for ministry to be.

Jesus said,

"Come, you who are blessed by my Father;

take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,

I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in,

I needed clothes and you clothed me,

I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me...

Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine,

you did for me."

Matthew 25:37b-40b.

Paul said,

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

Rather, in humility value others above yourselves."

Philippians 2:3

As soon as I began to change my focus to care, because of a job that was about caring instead of growing a church, I felt God's pleasure and ministry became more satisfying and successful. My ministry within the parrish improved too.

I'm thankful for the change God brought to me through Hospice of Saint John. How will God bring the change of focus to you?

Want to talk about it? Email me at dan@bestcareministry.com.

Saluting the Soul of the Veteran

Fri, 10 Nov 2023 17:55:54 GMT

"I was trained to be a warrior. That changed who I was."

He was proudly wearing his WWII VETERAN cap.

This elderly gentleman was in the lobby of the doctor's office. My wife and I were also there for an appointment.

He seemed jovial as he shuffled with his walker to sit in a chair next to us. I tapped him on the arm to get his attention. When we made eye contact I saluted him and thanked him for his service. "I was only in 3 years," he said. He started listing places he served.

After hearing Normandy, I couldn't concentrate on the other places. I was sitting next to an ordinary man who did extraordinary things. He was part of the greatest generation.

My age had me in the last draft of the Vietnam war. My birth-date drew a high number so I was not drafted and consequently never served in the military. I cannot understand what they have endured but I do realize they like to be recognized and appreciated. My very shy and withdrawn father proudly displayed his POW license plate and loved it when he would get a salute while driving down the road. Their service is part of who they are.

As care ministers we will have many opportunities to care for veterans, young and old.

Listening to their story is one way to honor them.
Another is to help them find places of care that honor and recognize them.

The Denver Hospice, who I was involved with years ago, gives a high priority to Veterans by recognizing their service and expressing appreciation. Nearly 1/3 of their patients are veterans. Maybe a hospice near you does the same. In at least one case they helped a vet receive his medal while at the In-Patient Care Center living his final days on earth. Go their web site and see how far this organization will go to support Veterans. https://thedenverhospice.org/?s=Veterans .

Read the article at this link to find many more ways to care for veterans.

http://www.military.com/veterans-day/ways-to-give-back-to-veterans.html

"I was trained to be a warrior. It changed who I was."

That is what a veteran, who as suffering from PTSD, much younger than the WWII vet, told me. He went on to describe how serving multiple tours in Afghanistan and Iraq wounded his soul. "Now nobody understands me. It is hard to get along with a sloppy culture."

Most of our veterans want to serve because they love our country, want to protect freedom, and/or do something worthwhile. There may be a part of them that wants to grow up and become strong and disciplined. They are the guy or the girl next door, our sons and daughters, young, vulnerable and full of love and optimism. That is why war causes PTSD, also known as Moral Injury. Because their noble aspirations clash with the terrible reality of war. I contrast that with terrorists who grow up hating, wanting to kill and celebrating while they do it.

Our veterans need to be recognized, as well as their service and why they served. Honoring them helps them heal and find a new place back in their families and our culture.

Can we help someone find their freedom?

Sat, 28 Oct 2023 15:29:56 GMT

He told me, "Something is in control of my life."

I wonder if something is in control of our culture.

"I like watching people," I said as we stood in the food area of a big and modern shopping mall in Ohio.

He said, "I do now, but before it made me mad. I looked at people smiling and having fun and thought, 'They look free but I have something controlling my life.'"

Opioids are a class of drugs that include synthetic opioids such as fentanyl, and pain relievers available legally by prescription, such as oxycodone (OxyContin ^® ), hydrocodone (Vicodin ^® ), codeine, morphine, and many others.

That is where it started with this guy. His comment grieved me to hear of his pain as he works to stay sober.

Each week when I did Chaplain work at Denver Springs, a Behavioral and Addiction Hospital, I talked to people trying to get free from an addiction. So, I've added the "Big Book" from Alcoholics Anonymous to my reading list for this year.

In Akron, Ohio, just a few cities away from my conversation in that mall, AA got started in 1939. Bill Wilson and Dr. William Silkworth learned the grave nature of alcoholism and experienced their sobriety in 1935 and founded this unique and priceless organization.

I've had some bad habits but am not sure if they qualify as addictions. But when I read the materials of Celebrate Recovery, another strong addictive program offered in many churches, I realize that addiction takes many forms: unhealthy relationships, co-dependency, need for approval... And the list goes on. Maybe I'm not as immune as I would like to think I am. With no doubt, I recognize my need and pursuit for emotional and spiritual freedom in ministry and relationships.

The relational environment of AA demonstrates the power of basic caring skills : honor people with your presence, listen and learn their story, be safe and confidential. When you care with those skills you provide the relationship and a safe place for the fighting person to do the hard work of the 12 Steps .

"Thank you for being willing to do the hard work to get free from addiction," I tell the people who are often embarrassed, angry, broken and devastated from the power that controls them.

And I learn from their struggle and apply the spiritual, relational and internal lessons to my own life.

As we offer care we will encounter people who are fighting for their freedom/sobriety.

Understanding what they face will benefit your life and help you to help them.

You can buy the Big Book from the AA web-site for $9:50.

Sadly, we can also say "Something else controls our culture."

Last year over 10% of people in our country had an a episode of Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD -- A lot of names and titles are changing. Problems remain.) last year. Consider the families, employers, accidents and other victims of the negative behavior and the number of people impacted is staggering. Maybe it is everyone! The financial costs are calculated at $249 billion dollars.

When you care for one person, you are supporting them in the fight of their life, and you are making a difference in our culture. You are also part of God's work to "proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind." (Luke 4:18b)

The 7 Essentials work -- even with grandkids

Fri, 20 Oct 2023 14:46:46 GMT

I was alone with my three month old grandson

and his two year old sister.

It was fun!

My experience as a Chaplain and Care Pastor worked

for my new adventure with my beautiful three month old grandson

and two year old granddaughter.

Ask God for help.

Be other person oriented.

Practice presence.

Listen.

Be patient.

Be safe.

Be ready.

These are the essential skills of care.

In one form or another they have been emphasized

in customer service training and clinical training but underutilized in ministry.

I'm not sure why, because they are helpful everywhere .

I call them The 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes a Difference .

Children need to grieve their losses too.

Sat, 07 Oct 2023 16:18:38 GMT

But often our only response is,

"They are resilient."

I've heard a lot of crying because of grief but the sound of one mournful cry is unforgett able.
Her uncle was holding this little girl just after her adoptive mother and only parent had just died from cancer. I was the hospice chaplain attending this death. She has experienced too much loss. The shrill cry, almost a squeal, came from a tightness in her chest and throat. The emotional pain was so severe that she could not weep, scream or barely breathe.

There are resources for supporting children in grief.

You can go the the web site for the National Alliance for Children's Grief ( https://nacg.org/find-support/ ). You will be able to find a grief group near you. Most hospices have groups for children. Some churches and Griefshare groups do too.

Children need healthy grieving too.

This extreme situation and mournful cry brought the need of children to my attention. The losses children experience cause grief too. But, they don't know how or what to do, as resilient as they appear to be. Early losses will affect their emotions for a lifetime. Children present special opportunities and needs that everyone, especially children's ministry workers, should know about.

Children fall between the cracks when a parent, grandparent or sibling dies. Everyone around them is dealing with their own pain. Unintentionally it is an "every man for himself" scenario.

Today's child hears more about peer suicide, school shootings, terrorism, wars and national disasters than any previous generation. TV and the internet is not their friend. They are bombarded with images of loss.

I am not skilled to connect the drug abuse and the spike in child and teen suicide to grief. But we all know that those actions usually happen because young people are sad, hopeless and weak in their abilities and relationships to deal with problems.

Noticing the need is the beginning. Having resources available and helping children grieve is always valuable and the benefits will be beyond measure.

Keep this number handy! It may save a life.

Sat, 30 Sep 2023 15:16:03 GMT

You don't need to be the expert.

But you need to know how to reach the expert quickly.

There is no room for error when we are caring for someone, or friends and family or someone who is a suicide risk. We should not pretend to be the expert in these dangerous caring situations. So, here are a few resources that put us in touch with the experts.

"We can all help prevent suicide.

Every year mental health organizations and individuals across the U.S. and around the world work together to raise awareness of suicide prevention during September, National Suicide Prevention Month.

Understanding the issues concerning suicide and mental health is an important way to take part in suicide prevention, help others in crisis, and change the conversation around suicide.

Visit 988lifeline.org for more information on how you can prevent suicide or to speak to someone for emotional support 24/7. (also: https://carenotes.com/product-category/grief-loss/suicide/, https://nami.org/Your-Journey/Frontline-Professionals/Suicide-Prevention).

Call or Text 988 for help.

The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States. If you’re thinking about suicide or are worried about a loved one, call or text 988 today."

And, don't be afraid to call 911. Most police departments have Crisis Intervention officers. They know what to do!

Your care matters. You care for those in crisis. Often your care brings comfort. Sometimes it saves a life.

Are you ready to care?

Sat, 23 Sep 2023 16:35:46 GMT

In order to be ready, you need to get ready.

When I put the coin in my pocket I couldn't imagine how the Lord would answer my prayer. "Lord, today, allow me to help someone who has a need."

We were travelling and spent the night in a comfortable hotel. I was going to the cafe area for the free breakfast. It was pretty good!

My wife was still back in our room as I explored the breakfast options.

Another couple came to breakfast together. They needed to because he was about five years into an Alzheimer's diagnosis. His movements were slow, uncertain and he had a far-away look in his eyes. It was a bad summer as the disease was beginning to take control. She could not leave him out of her sight and he needed her to direct his every move.

They were on their way to Florida for the cooler months. She had high energy and was very engaging. He appeared cooperative, but I suspected the travelling was difficult. Maneuvering a breakfast buffet with a few dozen other guests, taking luggage to the car and checking out could be a challenge.

She was very capable and clearly knew what to do. She had accepted the unwanted calling to be the caregiver for her husband and learned how to function with many extra challenges (and look happy and pleasant in the process).

But, like courteously opening the door for someone who could do it themself, I just offered to help if there was anything I could do. I introduced myself and let her know I had been a Chaplain and a Care Pastor, but I bet she would have appreciated the offer from any kind and capable person.

As she hurried back and forth, from the food bar to where she sat him at the table, she replied, "Would you be willing to sit with him while I go to the room and get our luggage?"

"Sure. But what if he wants to move or go somewhere?"

I even thought, what if she does not come back? Crazy thought, huh?

"Just tell him to stay here and wait for me. He will listen to you."

He and I had a delightful time. I got him to eat his cinnamon roll. He would forget he had it and stop eating it. We had a simple conversation.

In a few minutes, she was back all packed and ready to continue their trip.

We sat for a few minutes and continued the conversation about where we all were from and where we were going and what he was like pre-Alzheimer's.

Then they got up to go and with tears in her eyes, she asked, "Can I hug you?"

I did so little, but I could tell it meant so much.

Anybody could have done what I did and I hope if I had not done it, someone else would have. But I don't know who, as I observed the room. Everyone was so busy getting breakfast over-with so they could get on the road.

It seemed like everyone was distracted from this couple's needs with their own valid agendas.

I'm thankful for my career experience that helped me be ready to care. My job as a Chaplain and Care Pastor forced me to learn what I might not have naturally . The penny with a cross punched in it, was given to me from a family who prayed with me often for their son. It has become my daily reminder that there are people with needs. I'm called to help them in the normal activities of life.

It was the right thing to do and the feeling I received was a reward beyond anything I deserved.

Maybe it is having a penny in their pocket that reminds them to pray, but whatever it takes, I pray our churches will be filled with people who will get ready so they will be ready to care for each other, their neighbors and any who God puts in our paths during our daily travels, because care matters!

Tenderness in a tough world

Thu, 14 Sep 2023 11:36:41 GMT

Care is often expressed tenderly.

And our angry, irritable world could use some tenderness.

"She was tender."

My wife and I were having brunch at one of our favorite Denver-area restaurants with a friend who had recently lost his wife.

The loss was beyond description.

They had no children. Family lived far away. It was just the two of them.

We had moved away and were not present when she passed, but back together, he described to us her final days, his prayers, her decline and the disease process of bacterial pneumonia. Often his chin quivered, his lips trembled and his eyes filled with tears as he told us the story.

In the final moments, as they gathered around the hospital bed at CU Health--Highlands Ranch, he summed up the compassionate care of the Chaplain he greatly appreciated with the words, "She was tender."

He chose the word "tender" very carefully.
It was the type of treatment he needed in his sadness and that he wanted for his wife in her weakness to the point of death. For over four decades they were life long partners. They ran many races and marathons together, including the grueling Pikes Peak marathon--more than once!

Tenderness is God's way of treating us in our most vulnerable state of need. There are many scripture references related to His tender mercies and care for those who rest in him.

In the sacred time of her passing from this life into the next, this strong and devout man and his beloved and dying wife needed tenderness-- unhurried presence, gentle touch, peaceful silence, and careful awareness of spiritual and emotional needs in the clinical environment of a hospital.

The ability to express tenderness is intuitive and learned. Tenderness stands out, like light in the darkness of our busy, demanding and impersonal culture that grows more irritable and angry every day. Even with stress and overwork of a clinical setting, this Chaplain rose above the circumstances to express tenderness for a couple who needed and deserved tender care.

Valuing and studying tenderness will enhance the ministry of any Care Pastor or Care Giver.

When you minister care for someone who needs to be treated with tenderness, I pray the Holy Spirit empowers you to operate in tenderness, because your care matters.

How to make room in my life to care for someone else.

Sat, 09 Sep 2023 15:07:34 GMT

Could someone find a place to be comfortable in my life?

Am I all "pins and needles"? Or is there room in my life to be comfortable.

"Today I imagined my inner self as a place crowded with pins and needles. How could I receive anyone in my prayer when there is no real place for them to be free and relaxed ." From The Genesee Diary , by Henri J. Nouwen

"When I am still so full of preoccupations, jealousies, angry feelings, anyone who enters will get hurt. I had a vivid realization that I must create some free space in my innermost self so that I may indeed invite others to enter and be healed. To pray for others means to offer others a hospitable place where I can really listen to their needs and pains. Compassion, therefore, calls for a self-scrutiny that can lead to inner gentleness.

If I could have a gentle "interiority" -- a heart of flesh and not of stone, a room with some spots on which one might walk barefooted -- then God and my fellow humans could meet each other there. Then the center of my heart can become the place where God can hear the prayer for my neighbors and embrace them with his love."

I found this writing by Nouwen in Disciplines for the Inner Life by Benson and Benson, on page 105, in the weekly readings about Intercession. Prayer is a way to care but we can't pray nor care if we are all pins and needles.

"Self scrutiny," leading to confession and the "tidying up" of my inner self and life, makes room in my life to care.

Learning to care, sometimes, is not adding skills, but removing distractions.

I hope this post, helps you like it has me. Doing the work to care, more than helps me care better. It makes me better. Caring helps me become the person God intended me to be .

Caring for people is essential work. Your labor is not in vain.

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 18:33:38 GMT

God rewards you for your hard work.

It is Labor Day weekend, a holiday set aside to celebrate the American worker. That is a work force worth celebrating!

But, beyond the well known jobs in manufacturing, technology, public utilities and many other well known fields of labor, is the very important work you are involved in, caring for people . The value of your work is beyond measure and so is the intensity of the work.

So, this weekend, I celebrate you. Let's celebrate each other, and realize, God celebrates and rewards you too.

¹⁰ God is not unjust;
he will not forget your work
and the love you have shown him
as you have helped his people
and continue to help them.
Hebrews 6:10

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend.

You've been working hard. I hope you get some rest, because your labor matters!!!

Be careful when caring.

Fri, 25 Aug 2023 00:20:10 GMT

Caring is too important to be sloppy.

The value and impact of a caring relationship is beyond measure. So we must protect each person and every relationship!

When two people share the emotions of a personal need expressed through presence and listening over an extended time, the level of intimacy brings some risks. Each of the people involved and any ministry or organization that provides caring relationships should intensely protect it with these safeguards.

Be trustworthy.

Both people must be trusted to maintain confidentiality, but especially the caregiver . If the care receiver wants to tell others about their need, and that you are supporting them, that is up to them. But the caregiver should never divulge personal and potentially damaging information about the care receiver, the need or even the caring relationship.

THERE ARE A FEW EMERGENT EXCEPTIONS .

When a person has engaged in or been a victim of child abuse or elder abuse, then you need to report them to your ministry leaders AND the appropriate legal authorities (The Department of Child and Family Services – the name may be different in your state or county.

If a person states that they are going to hurt themself or someone else you need to call 911 and ask for a Crisis Intervention Officer and/or the call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline1.800.273.TALK 8255).

But otherwise, you should NOT :

· Share the information with anyone other than your care ministry lead.

· Share the information as a prayer request.

· Tell others who you are meeting with or caring for.

· Tell your spouse or family members who you are meeting with or for what purpose.

Your family will know you are a caring person who frequently meets with people. Occasionally they will discover who you are meeting with. Sometimes, when you meet at a public place such as a coffee shop, you will see people that you both know. You simply engage as if you are friends out for coffee, but you do not reveal what you are talking about or why and the same applies to your family.

Trustworthy people are dependable. You should keep appointments and if you are going to be late or need to cancel a meeting, you notify the person with as much time as possible.

A breach of trust can hurt people, damage the credibility of a ministry and even have legal liabilities.

Establish Boundaries

A healthy caring relationship provides personal space for the care giver and the care receiver with a boundary in between. Neither one crosses the boundary without the other’s permission.

Some people are codependent. You do not want to exhibit this behavior and caution should be made to prevent this person from being involved in a caring ministry. They thrive on other people’s needs and becomes too involved in telling them what to do and they gain their sense of importance by helping someone fix their problems. Often they become so involved in the problems they go beyond where they are wanted and they lose themselves in the process. If this might be a temptation to you, having boundaries as an agreed upon practice will help everyone be safe and participate in healthy caring relationships.

Caring relationships are to help people walk through their problems . With the proper care, a care receiver will find the solution to their problem. You are not the solution.

You also need to protect yourself from the overly needy care receiver. This person ask for favors that cross the boundary. They may want money or call too often or at inappropriate times. It is proper to not allow such behavior.

Work Together

Offering care is usually provided in a one-to-one relationship. That is the emphasis of this training program.

However, you should be alone in your caregiving. Seek a person in leadership in your church, ministry or organization with whom you can regularly discuss the nature, interactions and progress of your caring relationship. This is not a breach of confidentiality, because the care receiver should know that you have this level of support and accountability.

Working together will help you do a better job . Discussion will bring an additional, less invested perspective for more objective input to diagnose the need, measure the progress of the relationship and recognize warning signals of unhealthy behavior from either side.

Working together provides encouragement. When you care over the long haul, there will be times you will wonder if what you are doing matters. You will need to have someone who will listen to you about your concerns and support you with their presence, prayers and, if appropriate, words of encouragement.

Working together prevents gossip. When someone knows what you are doing in your caring relationship, where you meet and who you are with, the chance of unhealthy gossip or mean spirited accusations will be greatly diminished.

Worthing together provides structure . Your caregiving relationship will be a rewarding adventure of making a profound difference in someone’s life. In this critical time of their need, you will support them as they move forward to face their future. Your impact will be beyond measure. Since so much of the future is unknown, and the benefits are beyond measure, working with a leader provides a structure of reporting, planning meetings and, when the time comes, transitioning out of the relationship. When you work together you will not enter an all consuming relationship, with no direction and a commitment that you cannot get out of.

Caring relationships are valuable beyond measure. You are too. So, when caring, be careful.

Why is listening so difficult?

Sat, 19 Aug 2023 14:58:35 GMT

Because of our insecurities,

most of us feel the need to insert and promote ourselves.

But, sincere listening will help the listener grow too.

Why is listening so difficult?

"It means moving away from the center of attention and inviting others into that space."

Listening skills often address external techniques:

Eye contact, nodding, leaning forward, asking open ended questions, resisting the need to talk, etc. But in the book , Compassion , the writers (Nouwen, McNeill & Morrison) challenge the attitude and heart of the listener.

"Paying attention to our brothers and sisters in the human family is far from easy. We tend to be so insecure about our self-worth and so much in need of affirmation that it is very hard not to ask attention for ourselves. Before we are fully aware of it, we are speaking about ourselves, referring to our experiences, telling our stories, or turning the subject of conversation toward our own territory... To pay attention to others with the desire to make them the center and to make their interests our own is a real form of self-emptying, since to be able to receive others into our intimate inner space we must be empty."

Sincere listening expands the soul of the listener.
In the mysterious ways of God, this "emptying" is the not only the best way to honor others with sincere listening, it is the best way to fill ourselves with soul expanding love .

Care ministry is an incubator for healthy growth.

When the people in your care ministry really listen and you urge and train others to listen, you are involved in a transformational work.

More than just learning caring skills, we need a renewed nature that wants those skills. Lacking in the skills that accompany listening reveals a bigger problem than not listening. As we address the inner problem of our selfish nature and pray that God change us from the inside out we will want to listen better. We will also grow in our relationship with God. We will mature spiritually. We will improve our relationships and gain valuable skills.

Assertive Conversation: The Caring Way to Talk

Sat, 12 Aug 2023 17:37:30 GMT

I've discovered assertive conversation

that follows listening works.

It helps me as a chaplain, care pastor and a man

relate confidently while living in a angry world.

There have been a lot of questions these days about how to talk to each other, especially when we disagree.

There are many sad examples of how not to.

In Speaking the Truth In Love--How to Be An Assertive Christian , Ruth Koch and Kenneth Haugk of Stephen Ministr y, identify the four main patterns of conversation--passive, aggressive, passive/aggression and assertive. They also identify the benefits of getting it right and the consequences of doing it wrong.

This book is part of the Stephen Minister training materials for how to walk alongside people in a crisis and how to effectively care for them. Care skills are needed today more than ever and in every area of life, including politics and sexuality.

"Passive Behavior is behavior that moves against the self.

Passive behavior says, 'I'll give up anything to avoid displeasure and to gain approval.' Passive people frequently give up important parts of their own personalities to avoid disapproval or criticism so others will like them." (p. 16)

"Aggressive Behavior is behavior that moves against others.

Aggressive behavior says, 'I have the right to patronize you, put you down, dominate you, or humiliate you in order to get what I want.' The aggressive person has low internal restraints and recognizes few external limits." (p. 19)

"Passive Aggression is a subtle kind of aggression, an underhanded way of moving against another person or manipulating others to get one's own way. Those who use passive aggression... use undercover means to get their way, to get even and to express what they're not willing to say in a straightforward manner." (p. 22)

"Assertive behavior is behavior that honors the self while honoring others. The assertive person authentically cares for others and at the same time engages in God-pleasing self care." (p. 23)

Often these days I prefer to say nothing until I get the opportunity to say it the way I mean it. I want to avoid an argument but I don't want to say something I don't mean so someone likes or approves of me even if we disagree. Grace makes it possible to disagree with someone but approve of them as a person, hear their story and discover why they believe the way they do.

"I'm not here to argue or convert you. I'm here to listen to you. I'm here to have a conversation."
That quote from Carl McColeman, can be very useful.

I've discovered assertive conversation that follows listening works. It helps me as a chaplain, care pastor and a man relate confidently in an angry world.

I don't compromise what I believe but neither do I force others to agree with me. It is a pattern that, often, stimulates others to be interested in my opinion. That's the only times it is worth sharing.

Care ministry's emphasis on honoring people with presence, listening by asking open-ended questions and learning their story prove to be the Biblical way and most effective method to relate. I'm happiest, most confident and strongest when I'm practicing assertiveness.

Then we can talk about our differences, expand our souls and discover solutions that are bigger than any one idea or person.

I hope this post helps you thrive in care ministry, but even more, I hope your attention to caring brings strength and growth to your life! Your life matters.

The Living Human Document and the Ministry of Curiosity.

Sat, 05 Aug 2023 19:00:24 GMT

Studying the life of another person is a level of care

only surpassed by sacrificial service or giving our life for a friend.

It is on the same path, but it goes further than just listening.

Through the ministry of curiosity , you and I are able to study the person we care for as a Living Human Document. Whoever the person and whatever the story, they are worth studying as we would a text book, an instruction manual, an account of history or a professional journal.

My CPE instructor, Foy Richey introduced me to curiosity as a way of caring as he use the title, Living Human Document. That phrase was established by Anton T. Boisen, the founder of the clinical pastoral education movement. It was also through Foy that I was introduced to Images of Pastoral Care by Robert Dykstra of Princeton Theological Seminary. This book, along with Foy's teaching, helped me breakthrough into care ministry with a methodology and level of care that exceeded anything I had experienced previously.

When we esteem people to the level that they are worth studying, we care the way Jesus did. As we listen to their story we help them, and it is important to realize, we also grow as we learn the struggles of their inner life and the ways of God. It is at this intensity of caring for others that the care receiver is most helped and the caregiver is most blessed.

The Living Human Document can be studied as we would a great story.

"The plot unfolds.
Their story is linked to God's unfolding story.
The plot thickens with events and drama that seek to ruin the story.
The twist happens when we see God turn it back to his original intention." (Adapted from The Indigenous Storyteller, Edward P. Wimberly in Images of Pastoral Care--Classic Readings , p.182).

As simple as it is to actively listen to the suffering person's story, it is also intensely complex and full of theology. We might never get to tell our insights and discoveries but they will shape and form us into a wise, skilled and compassionate pastor of care.

As we go deeper into caring we also go deeper into God and life, living the drama of life until the Divine story is completed.

What you do matters immeasurably more that you can imagine! I hope this post helps you care in the very best way!

Who can provide the best care for the addicted?

Sat, 29 Jul 2023 19:27:04 GMT

Alcoholics help alcoholics the best.

But, if you are not an alcoholic or addict,

there are still things you can do.

Here are four.

Only people who battle an addiction understand the power of the addiction. And those fighting an addiction most trust others who have been there and understand.

When I was the Chaplain at a Behavioral and Addiction Hospital, I would talk to people trying to get free from an addiction. So, I added the "Big Book" from Alcoholics Anonymous to my library. I learned that I may be able to help an alcoholic find and/or understand the Higher Power they so desperately need, but beyond that important step, I am limited.

Only people with an addiction can really understand what the addiction is like and the addicted tend to only trust others who have been there and know what it is like.

Alcoholics Anonymous set the standard
In Akron, Ohio, Alcoholics Anonymous got started in 1939. Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith learned the grave nature of alcoholism and experienced their sobriety in 1935 so they founded this unique and priceless organization.

"Bill Wilson had worked on on the theory that only an alcoholic could help an alcoholic... He was a broker who had gone to Akron on a business venture which had collapsed, leaving him greatly in fear that he might start drinking again. He suddenly realized that in order to save himself he must carry his message to another alcoholic. That alcoholic turned out to be the Akron physician Dr. Bob who had repeatedly tried spiritual means to resolve his alcoholic dilemma but had failed. When Bill gave him ... the description of alcoholism and its hopelessness, the physician began to pursue the spiritual remedy for his malady with a willingness he had never before been able to muster. He sobered, never to drink again up to the moment of his death in 1950. This seemed to prove that one alcoholic could affect another as no nonalcoholic could. It also indicated the strenuous work, one alcoholic with another, was vital to permanent recovery." ( Alcoholics Anonymous , Fourth Edition, p. xvi)

The relational environment that AA uses, demonstrates the power of basic caring skills: honoring people with your presence, listening to their story, confidentiality and expressing empathy. It provides a safe place to do the hard work of the 12 Steps. And, those of us in care ministry should appreciate the strategy for one alcoholic helping another with these actions.

Here are four things we can do.

Even though I cannot provide all the help an alcoholic or addict faces I can do these four things.

I should always affirm those fighting their addiction. "Thank you for being willing to do the hard work to get free from addiction," I tell the people who are often embarrassed, angry, broken and devastated from the power that controls them.
I learn of resources in our community so I can help someone find a group when they come to me broken and in need.
Perhaps we allow a group to meet at our church building -- they need rooms to meet.
Maybe we begin a Regeneration or Celebrate Recovery Ministry.

And I learn and grow from their struggle.

In our world of care we encounter people who are active in their fight for sobriety. Understanding what they face will benefit us and help us to help them. Chances are, we all know and love someone who struggles with addiction. We can get involved with the cause in one way or another and we can apply the spiritual, relational and internal lessons to our own lives to help us live and care better than ever before.

Did you know, there is an AA web-site? Go to www.aa.org.

You can buy the Big Book -- tons of stories of struggle and victory. T here is also a newsletter, daily readings, a test to see if drinking is a problem and more.

Are you an emotionally healthy caring person? Take the inventory.

Sat, 22 Jul 2023 17:22:35 GMT

Assess your emotional health.

Care ministry takes place in the realm of the emotions.
We do more than make hospital visits. We visit a person who is experiencing fear or sadness or anxiety or a combination of all as they are confronted with their own illness and pain.

We walk with people in grief. That is much more than preaching a funeral service or attending a death. We are present with a person who is devastated by a life changing loss, confused because they don't know how to live in a future without their loved one and is lonely with empty places that remind them of the absence of their beloved.

Every crisis, loss, divorce, unemployment, financial setback, stage of life change (empty nest, retirement, aging...), poverty cycle, etc, stirs emotions that are too powerful to ignore.

When we are caring for people in their emotional needs, thos e of us in the caring roles need to understand and work on our emotional health too.

An irritable, tired, reluctant caregiver, who can't wait until they can quit giving care. or until no one needs them is a caregiver that is in no condition to give care.

A fellow hospice chaplain, actually he was my boss at the time, reached the place where he often said, "I hope I will never see another dead person," and I thought, "Dude, you are in the wrong profession." Actually he was very good at what he did, but he was emotionally depleted. Soon, he quit doing what he was good at and cared about.

Selfcare involves taking an emotional inventory.

How am I feeling? Why? Where am I in my capacity or spiritual maturity to care?

There is a 40 question inventory you can take, online, for free. Go to the Emotionally Healthy Website to take it ( https://www.emotionallyhealthy.org/about/about-pete/?v=7516fd43adaa ). You will need to enter your name and email address so you can take the assessment/test. It is simple and the results are broad but I found it helpful just to answer the questions. Before I saw any results the questions led me to a self assessment. I quickly recognized that I need to improve on "setting limits." My emotions take a plunge when I underperform my overachieving goals.

As part of my commitment to increase my capacity to care and be strong for years to come, I subscribed to the works of Peter Scazzero ( https://www.emotionallyhealthy.org /). I get reminders in my inbox with invitations to training and podcasts. I don't read everyone, but often, just when I need a shot in the arm, the right message is there.

While we are building a culture of care, let us be careful to build emotionally healthy caregivers--build our own emotional health.

What you do matters, so the way you care for yourself matters too.

Four reasons people resist care even when they need it.

Sat, 08 Jul 2023 16:29:15 GMT

Why do people resist care even when they need it?

Why do people who need care refuse to receive it?

It is common for Stephen Ministries to lack care-receivers for their Stephen Ministers. Grief share may have a group of women, but often there are few or even no men who admit their grief. Desperate people most often request prayer. Even then the focus is mostly for relief from an external circumstance more than a desire for wisdom, purpose and a solution through a relationship with God and others.

Sure, some people are too proud to admit they need help. Men, especially, feel like they need to and can fix their own problems. But beyond blaming others for not reaching out we need to start with another question.

What barriers have we accidentally built that prevents people from seeking care.

A bad experience . After taking the emotional risk of sharing a need, a confidentiality is broken, or the need is minimized, forgotten, or ignored. Once burned, twice shy.
Lack of confidence. Vulnerability cannot be wasted on people who lack empathy, can't help and don't know how to listen.
Not personal . After sharing a need the person gets handed off or simply referred to a class or group with little personal attention, compassion, or follow-up.
Bad messaging. We can produce a stigma to care by the way we communicate the need for it. If we act like we are the together people here to help the needy people, of course they don't want help. Or, if we fail to even talk about the value of care and what it is, people will find other ways of dealing with their pain.

It requires caregivers with hearts of compassion matched with skills that exudes competence so that our hurting culture will feel confident and safe to trust us with their pain.

People do not want to fall if no one will catch them.

And those who hurt only want to be caught by people, skilled as they are, who are compassionate .

"The word compassion is derived from the Latin words pati and cum, which together mean, 'to suffer with.' Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into the pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion and anguish." (From the book Compassion , co-authored by Henri Nouwen, Donald McNeill and Douglas Morrison, pp 3, 4)

Through the work of the Holy Spirit, God’s people become compassionate.

Care Pastors, Stephen Ministry Leaders, Chaplains, Pastors and Leaders equip God's people with skills as they serve with compassion.

People in pain will respond to our ministries as we admit our mistakes and pursue hearts of compassion with skills to care.

I hope this post helps you develop your organization to remove barriers, develop your people to increase their skills and develop their hearts to be full of compassion, so that you will thrive in your care ministry and many people feel God's love.

Caring for the grieving and suffering challenged my theology.

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 15:01:55 GMT

Faith affects care. Care affects faith. Together they both grow.

Our deepest held beliefs are severely challenged when we face suffering and grief.

Situations like Nancy's stir the most profound questions of belief.

"There is a significant birthday coming up at my house, and I'm finding myself thinking about it quite often. When I do I feel a lump forming in my throat, and tears begin to burn behind my eyes.

Soon the day is coming when our daughter, Hope, would be ten... Our daughter's life was marked by days rather than years; she lived 199 days. In other words, there were not nearly enough of them, in my accounting. And as I'm anticipating what would have been her tenth birthday, I'm also anticipating the day that comes 199 days later--the day that will mark a decade since I have held her and known her. It feels like an ever-widening chasm as the years take me further away from her, even as they bring me closer to her.

Honestly I had not know much sorrow in my life before Hope introduced me to it. And one might think that in loving and losing her, I along with my husband, David, and my son Matt, had received our full share. But only two and a half years later we buried her brother Gabriel, who was born with the same fatal metabolic disorder as his sister had and lived a mere 183 days.

I don't remember all the specifics of what our pastor said the two times we stood at the grave where Hope and Gabe are buried together, but I do remember that what he said really mattered. At Hope's graveside service, he said something like, "This is the place where we ask, 'Is the gospel really true?'" There was a deep yes inside me as he spoke, and I had been thinking about that question a lot in the months that led up to that difficult day" ( Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, Nancy Guthrie, pp xiii, xiv) .

My theology was incomplete.

Situations like N a ncy's, thankfully, were absent from most of my life and ministry. It caused me to make the common mistake of an incomplete theology. While I studied about God and sought to have a meaningful relationship with the Divine, it was not very well connected to the reality of suffering and grief. Consequently my theology sought to produce a perpetual good mood filled with excitement while in pursuit of world changing results for the transcendent God but with minimal experience of the present God in my losses and dark emotions.

"Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality, and reality is where we meet God... Emotions are the language of the soul. They are the cry that gives the heart a voice... However, we often turn a deaf ear--through emotional denial, distortion, or disengagement. We strain out anything disturbing in order to gain tenuous control of our inner world. We are frightened and ashamed of what leaks into our consciousness. In neglecting our intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and lose a wonderful opportunity to know God." ( The Cry of the Soul , Dan Allender and Tremper Longman in The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero, p. 55).

Thrust into the world of hospice, my shallow theology was exposed.

My opportunities to care for others increased, my perspective changed and my caring skills improved. The personal benefit of discovering my own need for care grew also.

As this was happening I was discovering the difficult Scriptures and example of Jesus that should have been obvious. But, I missed the lament of many Psalms and the weeping of Jesus at Lazarus' tomb. Oh, I saw them, but in my pursuit of the positive, the attractive and exciting, I missed the essence of those events and the common need of every person for God to meet them in the dark places of their life.

Then my theology expanded, with a fuller knowledge of who God is, his character, purpose and plan. God pays attention to every individual with their tears, growns and deaths. Spending even a little time considering that truth, can change our understanding of who God is, what He does and what it means to be loved by him. There we can experience His care and find the meaning and importance of care.

Care is more than kindness toward those who suffer. Care is the expression of our experience and belief in God.

I hope this brief post leads you closer to the God of love and care. Also, I am glad to introduce you to a couple of great resources in the books by Nancy Guthrie and Peter Scazzero while reinforcing the belief that the foundation of care ministry is the theology of the God who cares.

Is this how God feels? Is this how care feels?

Fri, 23 Jun 2023 17:07:13 GMT

This frequent mood of deep melancholy feels right.

"I wonder if it is how you feel, God, over mankind and the wrong and suffering in this world," I pray as I think and feel.

There is a burden I feel. A heaviness to my emotions. If it was a color, it would be a dark and deep color, perhaps a maroon or purple. There is a longing for better. There is memory and wanting to return to happier and simpler days that were more fun, with less responsibility and full of naïve optimism for the long, bright future.

Within the burden are also strong feelings of hope, love and affection ,

first for my family, then for friends, neighbors and beyond. I have concern for their struggles and desire for their well-being. I fear the spiritual, emotional, physical and mental dangers that threaten their lives.

In addition to these feelings, I have energy to think and feel and act. To care.

Feeling care, I want to do something to make life right and safe and good ,

for my loved ones and God’s sake. This makes me feel vital, full, and whole, even though I am older, more physically challenged, weary of the hurried pace of life and away from career advancement and reward. Often alone in my study, my soft chair or sitting on my porch or back yard, these feelings influence my thoughts. I don’t want to just roll over and let the world go to Hell. "You care God, and you help me care."

In my own strength, my care causes me to feel overwhelmed and deepen the melancholy.

Thoughts and ideas flash across my mind light lightening. Bright and powerful but gone in a second. And, sometimes like a severe summer or spring storm, there is a light show of steady flashes. There are so many needs and so much potential. Barriers need to be removed; questions need to be answered. Some people need to be rescued, others need to be comforted, or encouraged or challenged or corrected.

So, I listen and wonder, and I pray.

“God, is this how you feel? What mood are you in today? What were the feelings contained in your love, that brooded over the void before creation or that sent your one and only son to all who believe so they could have everlasting life?

Are you telling me that you also have heavy feelings of burden and affection mixed together in a maroon-colored love? Are there elements of the past, the present and the future active at the same time?

Are you using my melancholy feelings to unite me with you and invite me into your work?

‘Let’s work on this plan of redemption together. Let’s show people how much I care about them. I know their struggles. I feel their pain. I love them and want to meet them, comfort them, forgive them, hold them, redeem, reward, make them well and whole and wise and new and strong and eternal. Then my work will be complete, and we will celebrate. Until then we will groan with a mixture of burden, alarm, desire, anger, longing, remembrance, warmth, pleasure, and vulnerability, because we care.'

Today, I know you are a God with emotions. Even though your feelings are a million times more intense than mine...

I think the feelings I am having are healthy, correct, and Godly. I think this is the feeling we feel when we care and I am inspired and filled with hope. Amen."

Caring ministries, like many other roles in God's work, are carried out with a deep burden and much pain.

If you are experiencing those feelings , I hope this post helps you understand what is going on in your soul, so that you will endure the pain and succeed in your life and ministry of care.

Making the most of the lonely role of the care pastor

Sat, 17 Jun 2023 14:38:47 GMT

Often it is just you.

The second car in the funeral procession is the one that got my attention.

I was sitting in my Jeep at the red light when the funeral procession came through the intersection in front of me. In the second car was the pastor who would be officiating. He was alone, in his little car, top hat and coat on, holding the steering wheel with both hands. In front of his car was the hearse with the deceased and the mortuary staff. Behind the pastor was the family, connected by relation and loss. More cars followed. They carried people who came together with friends or spouses. At the grave site these cars would unload and a small crowd would assemble to say their final good-byes and hear the words of the pastor.

Then, this pastor would stand alone, between God and the mourners.

He would trust God for words and blessing, so his compassion and efforts would make a meaningful difference to this group of family and friends.

Even though the caring minister is with people, the role he/she plays is a lonely one.

I noticed this dynamic with hospice nurses. "I don't like doing home care. You are alone with the patient and family," a nurse told me. "I prefer in-patient care. Sure, there are more patients to care for at one time but other nurses and staff are around to help with the work and verify difficult decisions."

Hospital visits are not made by a committee. Stephen Ministry care is one on one. Officiating a service is a solo. Others may help with the logistics but when you take the podium, you stand alone with the monumental task of bringing a message from God to the gathered crowd.

I have made the lonely drive, in all hours of he day and night, countless times, in response to a call. The lonely drive was followed by a lonely walk from the vehicle to the hospital, hospice care center, nursing home or house. Both the drive and the walk were filled with drama and uncertainty. Alone with my thoughts I feared, will this be situation I can not handle? Will my presence matter? Will the words come? Will I be confident enough not to talk but to listen and hear their story? What will I say in my prayer for healing or comfort? What is the condition of the patient? What are the needs of the family?

Those of us who have been able to do this for a long time have learned to embrace the role of working alone.

My primary coping tool is prayer.

I'm not really alone and the One I am most serving is God. I am His hands and feet, with an inspired message from Him to the family. Radio off, I am asking for help and listening for inspiration ask I drive.

I need someone to talk to .

After the visit, especially if it is an intense trauma, I need someone to talk to. Finding the right person is difficult. Confidentiality needs to be protected. Many do not want to hear sad and tragic stories--they are too painful. A few will think you are bragging or being dramatic. But, there will be a peer or two, who you can trust, who will care about you and understand the struggle of caring. Then they will listen to you. Their empathy will alleviate the loneliness so that it will only be a temporary aspect of your caring role. In 2020, I want to follow through with efforts I've started to connect care pastors as we share our work and needs, unique to our calling.

Being unprepared for loneliness can be overwhelming and lead to depression and burnout.

But by understanding the dangers of loneliness and seeking help for your soul, loneliness can also be a time of deep devotion and spiritual growth. In our weakness we become strong in the power of the Holy Spirit and discover words that are wiser and strength that is greater than we can produce on our own.

Caring for people is hard work, behind the scenes when you are often alone. But caring is a sacred privilege and God always empowers us to do what he has called us to.

I hope this post helps you grow and thrive, especially in your lonely times of care ministry. Your care matters.

I hope you enjoy Care Ministry. Sometimes it can be fun.

Sat, 10 Jun 2023 16:13:03 GMT

That's my surgeon, Dr. Mesko, and Rachel, his nurse/assistant.

With them is the winner of the Cleveland Cure Sarcoma race.

Andrew Hettinger.

My son!

Sarcoma is/was "my" cancer--Chondrosarcoma specifically. This month I get to have some fun related to my cancer.

Last month I got the results from my annual scans. Two years cancer free!!

As Care Pastors and Care Givers, most of the time we care for people during a crisis. Grief, trauma, addiction, mental/physical/emotional illness and injury dominate our opportunities to offer care through presence, listening, prayer and support. These opportunities are rewarding. We are thrilled to make a difference in someone's life, but we wouldn't call them fun.

When I was a hospice chaplain people would ask, "How do you to that every day? Do you enjoy your job?"

"I enormously enjoy my job, but more than fun, I value it. It is rewarding," I would answer them. Often there was the pleasure of meeting interesting people, learning their story and being invited into their life at a sacred time.

However, sometimes care opportunities are FUN in addition to being rewarding. Not too long ago I was using a walker. Then I graduated to a cane. Now I am training to run a 5K "race" with hundreds of other people, some who were affected by cancer and others who like to help, make a donation and run.

I'm thankful the Sarcoma Foundation ( www.curesarcoma.org and www.curesarcoma.org/race/ ) has organized these events all over the country and people by the thousands pay, show up and run/walk. We get T-shirts, hang out with the medical community, other patients and their families and share the common denominator of being cancer patients.

However, there will only be one cancer patient who is the father of the winner. Last year that was me. Will Andrew repeat? He is in pretty good shape and long after he crosses the finish line I will too. We will celebrate the run, enjoy the festive environment and a knock down a cold one. It is going to be fun.

And all the proceeds go to a good cause: research to cure sarcoma.

Generous and caring people are the happiest people.

They aren't generous because they are happy, but are happy because they are engaged, involved and generous.

What you care, it matters, even when it is fun!

I hope this post helps you enjoy your care ministry so that you are able to offer the best care.

And the winner is PRESENCE followed closely by MEALS.

Sat, 03 Jun 2023 16:51:11 GMT

PRESENCE and MEALS are the most highly rated.

When do you most feel cared for? When do you least feel cared for?

These were the opening questions I asked those who attended a Ministering to Those Who Grieve workshop. The top answers were presence and meals.

A widow who lost her husband and a young mother who lost her daughter both reported the importance of not being alone. I'm sure they could have their space when they wanted it, but they were both profoundly comforted and supported by the amount of people who were at the house and in the hospital. One's memories were very fresh and the other's was vivid even after a # of years. More people gave similar answers.

"We didn't have to do anything. People brought food and took care of all of our meals, including feeding all of our guests! And we had a house full of people."

I know of a couple of churches who are prepared for when a crisis arises, especially if there isn't time to do a lot of baking. At the end of the first Sunday of the month, when they normally receive a benevolent offering, people from the Care ministry, sometimes the Deacon ministry, stand at the doors with disposable aluminum foil baking pans with instructions for the type of meals, how to label them and how and when to bring them back to the church. The volunteers take them home and fill the pans with their special recipe and return it to the church to be placed in the freezer. A well stocked freezer is a church that is ready to roll when the need arises.

Not surprisingly, no one in either workshop mentioned they remembered something someone said. It was their presence and practical help that mattered most. Those things made an immeasurable difference in the lives of the grieving.

Care actions matter and I hope this post encourages you so you enjoy caring for others and offer the best care!

Defining and making the most of Memorial Day

Fri, 26 May 2023 19:37:02 GMT

Some gave all. Remembering them on Memorial Day.

Memorial Day we recognize, remember and grieve those who paid their all for our freedom.

I respect and admire the work of Rachel Kodanaz. Her book, "Living with Grief One Day at a Time," is a resource I keep nearby. A few years ago she wrote about Memorial Day. I saved her work and share it with you.

Defining Memorial Day

"Memorial Day began as Decoration Day, originating after the American Civil War to remember those who died as Confederate and Union soldiers. The occasion was expanded in the 20thcentury to include fallen heroes from all branches of the armed forces.

As Americans, we observe the holiday annually the last Monday of May.

For many of us we consider the weekend the official kick-off of summer, filled with sun and fun.

For the families of our fallen heroes, Memorial Day is a day of remembrance and honor for those who have served to protect our freedom.

As civilians, many of us who have lost a loved one have expanded Memorial Day to be an occasion of paying tribute to family members who have passed outside of the armed forces; and consider the weekend to be one of reflection, honor and recollection of time spent with our loved one.

Traditionally Memorial Day has become a day to visit the graves of those who have passed – for many a time to clean the cemetery of winter’s evidence and plant new flowers representing the renewal of spring. Others place objects representing passions, hobbies and family stories at the grave marker.

Recently on a trip to Boston, I visited cemeteries containing graves of Civil War fallen military as well as modern day tombstones. As we walked around the cemetery I noticed miniature cars, religious objects and family heirlooms representing generations of family tradition, paying homage to generations before us and those who have suffered an untimely death. Whether we are military families or civilians, observing Memorial Day by reflecting on those who are no longer with us helps maintain a connection to those who we love. Each family has their own tradition, and as time goes by we can create new ones.

As a supporter of the programs of TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors of Military), I attended a singer/songwriter fundraiser for the families of our fallen heroes this past weekend in Denver. To feel the energy, to feel the love and to feel the crowd embrace the families of our fallen heroes with their generous donations and hours of support was truly inspiring and moving. In fact, several singer/songwriters traveled from Nashville in support of the event, performing a song written specifically for TAPS:

“I’m Here for You”
Written by Frank J Myers and Billy Montana

It must feel like your world’s shattered like a piece of glass
And tomorrow doesn’t seem to care about the past
And when letting go is something that’s too much to ask
I’m here for you

When you’re mad and hurt and you just wanna yell and scream
And it feels like God ain’t listening when you’re on your knees
And when you’re drowning in a rising tide of misery
I’m Here for You

Chorus

I’m Here for you if you need to talk
If you need a hand when you take a walk
Or just silently sit on your deck
And watch the sunset in the west
I’m here for you any time of day
When the memory’s just too hard to take
And no one understand what you’ve been through
I’m Here for You.

I’ll help you find your faith when you give up on hope
I’ll be your shoulder when you find it hard to cope
You’ll have a place to fall when you run out of rope
I’m Here for You."

On this Memorial Day, I feel a sad and deep appreciation for the fallen heroes and their families who lost their loved ones. The freedoms I enjoy are not free.

Rachel Kodanaz is an author, speaker and consultant who provides support to workplaces when there has been a death of an employee or when an employee has experienced a personal loss. She is the author of Grief in the Workplace: A Comprehensive Guide for Being Prepared and Living with Loss, One Day at a Time. Both are available on www.rachelkodanaz.com or www.amazon.com .

I hope Rachel's message is useful for you so that you can thrive in your care ministry.

Warmer weather and longer days provide more types of caring opportunities

Wed, 17 May 2023 19:45:29 GMT

It is still spring, but summer is coming.

I love working in my backyard.

"Summer, wrote A.W. Tozer, is 'the period of full power when life multiplies, and it is hard to believe it can ever end.' "

(As quoted by Ted Olsen in the 2019, June issue of Christianity Today, p. 24).

The comfort of warmer temperatures and longer days invites us outside for lawn work, dinner on the picnic table and fun activities. Fun seems to come easier and there is much to be happy about.

Here are a five caring ideas from Olsen's article in Christianity Today . And I added a few comments of my own. His word are italicized. Mine are not.

1. It is much easier to start or rekindle a habit of morning prayer when awakened by songbirds and early sunlight. Maybe you want to make it a prayer walk and pray for your neighbors or focus on an individual, family or group of people who are suffering with extraordinary circumstances.

2. Maybe you love the summer grilling season. Pull your portable grill to the front yard some Friday evening and invite passing neighbors to enjoy some free hot dogs or burgers. Or are you too introverted for that kind of project? Invite that one family you've wanted to know better for an informal backyard barbecue. Or invite the lonely person going through divorce, widowhood or the new family that just moved into the neighborhood and doesn't know anyone yet.

3. Maybe you enjoy gardening. A community garden can be fun, or you can share the benefits of your "green-thumb" so neighbors can enjoy home-grown tomatoes, cucumbers and more .

4. So many of us give a passing thought to attending a church service while we're on a family road trip. Google a local congregation with service times as vigorously as you Google out motel rooms. Don't do it because you are obliged to attend church on a Sunday but because you are related to those people through faith. Plan to say an encouraging word or blessing from your heart or from your home church.

5. I'm thinking of going to a ball game this summer. Please, Lord, show me someone who is lonely to invite along. Go Rockies!!! Go Braves!!! Go Guardians!!! Go whoever your favorite team is!

Care can fit with what we like, close to home and far way. It can be a special project or part of our everyday routine or both. Opportunities abound. Noticing them and taking advantage of them helps us provide the best care.

These ideas can help us make it the best summer yet.

When you care and help others care, what you do matters.

I hope this post helps us enjoy summer and in the process build a culture of care.

Mother's Day is complex

Sat, 13 May 2023 17:01:20 GMT

We must not avoid the complexity of Mother's Day.

We must learn how to embrace it.

Then we will more fully understand a mother's love and the value of life itself.

Visit the "What's Your Grief" website (https://whatsyourgrief.com).

Eleanor Haley does a beautiful job writing about this difficult topic and I thought it best to hear from a mom, grieving her mom, on Mother's Day. So, below I share one of her blog posts on my blog.

As I interpret this article, she identifies at least one reason grieving the loss of a Mother is complex. Children, often, don't love their mother correctly.

When my kids were young, everything seemed so precious and pure. Sure, there were tantrums and epic messes, but mostly I remember sweetness, closeness, and affection. And as I savored these little moments, I often thought of my mother and how nurturing and loving she was in my earliest memories of her.

I fret about the change, but then I try to put it into perspective — this is normal; this is okay. Things about our relationship are gone, but wonderful new things have emerged.

Complex and Evolving Continued Bonds

We often talk about how comforting it is to have a continued bond with our loved ones who have died. But as Queen Elizabeth said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.”**

**Though Queen Elizabeth II popularized these words, the original source quote comes from grief theorist, Colin Murray Parks who said:

“The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment.“

Sometimes I find pain.

And sometimes I find positive.

In another poignant story, take time to listen to my wife's tribute to her mother as she shares her grief story on my podcast, "Who Cares? with Dan Hettinger (wherever you listen to podcasts).

I hope these resources help you relate effectively during the complexity of Mother's Day so that you are equipped to offer the best care.

Guiding the way through the end-of-life.

Sat, 06 May 2023 12:39:20 GMT

People usually welcome guidance at this time.

Here are the main points.

When you master these, you can point the way

so that those you care for will make the best decisions.

When a woman in my church told me she may only have a few days to live, my adrenaline surged because of the importance and drama of the situation.

My mind raced to recall the lessons I had been taught through books, CPE and end-of-life situations as a hospice chaplain. The family was looking to me for answers. The husband said, "Please visit. I have some hard questions to discuss."

The following are the lessons I recalled, and they worked.

THERE IS OPPORTUNITY AT THE END OF LIFE.

With the knowledge that the end is near, one can do any unfinished spiritual work and prepare to meet their maker. She was ready to be with Jesus. But there was also time to express love, give blessing, say "Good-bye", make final wishes and visit with friends.

CHOSING COMFORT CARE IS NOT GIVING UP.

Stopping curative treatments and accepting comfort care is NOT giving up. It is NOT euthanasia. Prayers can continue as we exclusively trust God with the outcome. Chemo can be very difficult and make a patient feel worse. It threatens the quality of life in days that we never get back. Clinical trials might work but they might make matters worse. They require very careful and informed consideration. Quitting these treatments is NOT giving up. It is recognizing the end is near, receiving the best care for that time and living the last chapter of life to the fullest.

Patients, families and the medical staff can each feel guilty with the desire to quit the medical efforts that are not working. It is a decision we, as Care Pastors, cannot make for them, nor should we urge them to make it. But, often, we can remind them of the opportunities that come with comfort care and facilitate those sacred experiences. We can tell them about moving from a hospital setting to home or a quieter hospice surroundings. We can pray for the miracle that everyone hopes for. They have given their best. We look for God's answer, presence and help.

THERE IS HELP AND THERE ARE RESOURCES FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS.

Experienced and skilled teams of hospice workers are ready and can move immediately to assess and admit into home-care hospice or inpatient hospice care. If additional support is needed at home, Home Care agencies are ready to support the hospice workers to offer presence and help that exceeds the family's abilities. Churches and friends can bring meals, companionship and spiritual and relational encouragement.

THE WORK IS NOT OVER WHEN THE END COMES.

Selecting the correct mortuary will make a lasting impact. Most families don't know where to begin. They look to those who care for advice for who can take care of them the best. Price, location and services are all important factors. The way the mortuary responds, shows dignity and relates to the family is essential. I never tell a family what to do, but I do have a list with my top three. Most of the time when I list my top three recommendations my families they select the one that is close to home, compassionate without up-selling and when they can speak to a director.

THERE IS THE REST OF LIFE FOR THOSE WHO REMAIN.

Most in our culture try to return to their normal life, not knowing what to do with their emotions weighed down with grief. That makes our role all the more important. Providing grief resources, like the Stephen Ministry grief booklet series for the first year, remembering anniversaries, making sure someone, perhaps a Stephen Minister or a Grief Share group is available for the grieving loved one and offering memorial services like Blue Christmas are important resources for the next steps of life.

Being prepared with these resources gives us the opportunity reassure the dying person that those who remain will be cared for. And those who face the fear of being alone will know that someone will be there to care for them going forward.

The best person to connect all these dots is the caring pastor. Being present is the first part. Having the correct knowledge makes being there most helpful and gives you confidence when someone says to you, "I may only have a few days more to live."

This knowledge was not what I wanted nor sought when I entered the ministry. I was interested in the more glamourous lessons of leadership, strategic planning and church growth. But once I learned these lessons, I realized they make the biggest and longest lasting impact, are applicable in many more situations and are valuable beyond measure.

Your care matters and I hope this post helps you offer the best care in the worst of circumstances!

Pray this prayer when you feel overwhelmed.

Sat, 29 Apr 2023 00:11:47 GMT

The needs are too many and too big.

You know the feeling, don't you?

Life is already filled with normal challenges. There is not much margin. Add caring for someone with a disability and life gets overwhelming in a hurry. Gone are the normal plans and agendas.

Trying to make a difference in the critical need of foster care for sexually, physically and emotionally abused children is a heavy burden. Reuniting them with their birth families is complicated. Stopping the cycle of poverty and abuse is almost impossible. That is what a young therapist told me this week. But someone has to do it.

We want our churches to support families with these challenges. We want to encourage the workers on the front lines facing social needs. We feel the burden for these while we are facing deaths, divorces, sickness and suicides in our churches and families.

Caring is overwhelming. We need God's help. Prayer is His wonderful gift to us. We can use it to cry and plead for Him to help us make a difference in the messy world we live in. And, we can ask him to heal and comfort the traumatized, lonely and suffering.

When you don't know the words to pray, I hope this prayer will comfort and strengthen you like it does me.

"O Lord my God, when the storm is loud,

and the night is dark

and the soul is sad,

and the heart oppressed;

then, as a weary traveler,

may I look to you;

and beholding the light of your love,

may it bear me on,

until I learn to sing your song in the night. Amen."

George Dawson in Little Book of Prayers as given in Disciplines of the Inner Life by Bob Sr. and Michael W. Benson, p. 221.

Our calling requires a strength greater than our own. As part of your self care, don't forget to pray to the One who called you, that you represent and Who also cares for you.

I hope this post helps you thrive in your crucial role of caring for others, so you are blessed and others feel God's presence and love.

People that were hurt decide to help others

Thu, 20 Apr 2023 01:25:26 GMT

After surviving the Boston Marathon attack,

Heather Abbott, right, started a foundation

to provide customized prosthetics to amputees across the country.

She worked with prosthetist David Rotter, left,

to help Vidal Lopez, center, after his car accident.

It was the 127th running of the Boston Marathon (April 17, 2023).

My son Andrew, a really good runner, was in Boston to watch the race. I enjoyed it on television.

I wondered what happened to the victims of the infamous bombing 10 years earlier and I came across this CNN article by Julia Chan. She identified five foundations started by victims of the bombing.

I've run a bunch of 5Ks, 10Ks and three Half Marathons over the years. My sons have run multiple marathons as adults. Their highschool and college events were fun too.

Runners with the energy to compety and the discipline to train are admirable athletes. Their families and fans eager enough to make the treck to get to the course early and run around to watch their loved one do thier best create the best sports crowd their is. The fans are rooting for someone they know and thousands are participating.

They are the type of people I would expect to focus their energies to help people.

"Ten years after the Boston Marathon bombing forever changed their lives ,

several survivors turned that horrific day into a mission to help others facing trauma and limb loss.

Inspired by the generosity they received after the attack, they created these five non-profits to pay it forward.

THE BRITTANY FUND FOR TRAUMA AND RECOVERY

Grad student Brittany Loring was celebrating her 29th birthday near the finish line when the bombs detonated, sending shrapnel into her head, neck, and thigh and fracturing her skull. Grateful for the outpouring of support she received in the hospital, Loring started The Brittany Fund for Trauma and Recovery two months later to provide financial support to fellow trauma survivors and their families so they can focus on their physical and emotional recovery. Most checks are delivered in-person by the fund’s tightknit team of volunteers, which includes the first responders who rushed to help Loring after the attack.

THE HEATHER ABBOTT FOUNDATION

Marathon spectator Heather Abbott was injured in the second blast. After undergoing surgery to remove her lower left leg, she received a basic prosthesis for walking, but insurance would not cover expensive specialty prostheses that would help her return to her active lifestyle. Thanks to the generous support of donors and organizations that helped survivors, Abbott eventually got devices that allowed her to wear heels, run, and paddleboard again. In 2014, she established the Heather Abbott Foundation to help provide custom prostheses to amputees across the country. To date, Abbott has raised close to two million dollars and helped more than a hundred people. She has previously been featured on CNN Heroes and Champions for Change .

MARTIN RICHARD FOUNDATION

Only eight years old, Martin Richard was the youngest of the three victims killed in the attacks, which also seriously injured his mother and sister. Remembered as “a bright, energetic young boy who had big dreams and high hopes for his future,” Richard’s parents , Denise and Bill, created the Martin Richard Foundation in 2014 to promote sportsmanship, inclusion, kindness, and peace. Since then, the foundation has awarded more than $2.9 million in grants to youth-led community service projects and inclusive sports programs . Richard’s siblings are also involved, leading the non-profit’s youth board of directors. A public park named in honor of Richard opened on the Boston Harbor waterfront in 2019.

ONE WORLD STRONG FOUNDATION

Dave Fortier was steps away from completing his first marathon when the initial bomb exploded, leaving him with shrapnel wounds and hearing loss. Inspired by the compassion of injured Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans who came to help, Fortier created the One World Strong Foundation to build an international support network for survivors and families affected by terrorism, hate crimes, and mass casualties. The non-profit has raised more than $800,000 through donations and federal grants to help hundreds of survivors of many incidents, including mass shootings at the Orlando Pulse nightclub , Sandy Hook Elementary School , and Paris Bataclan theater and the Manchester Arena bombing.

REBEKAH'S ANGELS FOUNDATION

Rebekah Gregory and her then-five-year-old son, Noah, were only three feet away from the first bomb. While Rebekah took the brunt of the impact, leaving Noah physically unscathed, both mom and son were diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in the months after the attack. Launched in 2018, Rebekah’s Angels helps children and families with PTSD and trauma find and pay for specialized mental health treatment and other resources, which are often not covered by insurance. The non-profit also raises awareness of childhood trauma , PTSD and the importance of early diagnosis and treatment."

Julia Chan, CNN

Updated 4:23 PM EDT, Fri April 14, 2023

Caring people are high achievers too.

They see needs as opportunities to make a difference and they train hard to develop skills that provide the best care. I hope this posts helps you find important resources that help people and I hope that it cheers you on as you give your all to provide the best care for someone with a need.

April is child abuse prevention month

Fri, 14 Apr 2023 21:13:22 GMT

We can express care in many ways.

As a mandatory reporter it was with sadness and dread that I called Child Protective Services (CPS).

Before calling CPS I shared with my boss the disturbing message I received from a Mom. My boss thought I should make the call.

Then, for a professional perspective, we agreed that I should also call the counselling agency that we frequently refer people to and see if they thought I should make the call. They listened to the message I received and thought I should make the call.

Since there was strong agreement all around, it was then my responsibility to make the call to Child Protective Services.

The friendly voice at CPS put me at ease so I told her the message I received from the mother and asked, "Do I need to issue a formal report of child abuse or endangerment?" My feelings were confirmed and the formal report was filed and received.

There was never a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

I was also profoundly thankful that the County had the people with developed skills, legal authority, financial resources, experience (sadly too much, as they frequently face this problem) and deep compassion so they could deal with these complex problems.

CHILD ABUSE & NEGLECT

Child abuse and neglect frequently occur in families dealing with stress or in the midst of a crisis. Parents, relatives, and other caregivers are under many pressures in today’s society and may have difficulties dealing with problems in the personal, financial or marital areas of their lives. Drugs and alcohol use may elicit child abuse or neglect. Domestic violence can also play a role in child abuse or neglect. (Mental illness, including depression, leads to bad decisions and wrong actions with lifelong consequences. My addition.)

TYPES OF CHILD MALTREATMENT

Physical Abuse

May be the result of excessive or out of control discipline from a parent or caregiver. It may appear as bruises, marks or injuries inflicted by other than accidental means.

Sexual Abuse

May involve any sexual activity between an adult and a child. This can be for the gratification of the perpetrator, a third party, or for the exploitation of the child. Over 90% of cases reported involved the parent, a relative, or other known adult as the perpetrator.

Emotional Abuse

Chronic and consistent attitude or acts which interfere with the psychological and social development of a child. A child who is repeatedly belittled, ignored, or blamed for the family’s problems may be emotionally abused.

Neglect

Inadequate or dangerous child-rearing practices. The parent or caregiver fails to act on the behalf of a child. A child does not receive adequate food, shelter, clothing, medical care, supervision, or education may be neglected. It may not produce visible signs and usually occurs over time.

Dependency

A child that may be homeless, destitute or without adequate parental care and support through no fault of the child's parent or caregiver. The child may lack adequate care because of a mental or physical condition. The child may also be in danger of being abused or neglected because they live in a household in which a sibling or other child who resides there is abused, neglected or dependent.

There are many ways to express care.
When we care we are more aware.

When we are more aware we are better educated about the problem and also the resources that are available to address it.

That encourages and empowers us to take action and make a difference.

Problems of this magnitude requires all agencies, organizations and caring people from the community to take action. It is a problem where we who care in the faith community can part of the efforts that makes a difference.

Awareness this month can be the spark to be alert every month. Go to the official Child Welfare website, my source for much of the content in this post) to get a Resource Guide and much more helpful information. https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/preventing/preventionmonth.

I hope this post encourages and empowers you to provide the best care for your congregation and community.

The victory of Easter

Fri, 07 Apr 2023 18:06:43 GMT

When you have experienced a lot of death,

you need some comfort and hope.

"They are in a better place," is almost always the wrong thing to say to a grieving family. But it may be just the thing to say to a Care Pastor, a hospice nurse, a funeral director, a paramedic...

It was a difficult Holy Week when I was invited to do two funerals and was closely connected to three patients in Hospice Care.

A schedule that is frequently filled with sickness, tragedy and death is emotionally heavy.

Thankfully the hopeless season of life can be temporary.

"Easter reminds us that your work is going to be undone," were my words to a colleague who plans funerals for a large church. Responding to her puzzled expression I explained, "I don't mean the support you gave families during their time of loss was of no value. It was valuable beyond measure. But, because of the historical fact of the resurrection of Jesus, we can believe in life after death and the resurrection of the dead (I Corinthians 15). All those graves are going to be open someday. What we see now is not the end of the story."

As we offer care, we can do it with a feeling of transcendence. What we see and feel in the present when things are at their darkest, is not the whole picture. There is something more. Something wonderful. Something victorious.

We can find the strength to care, over and over again with the hope that there is a better place and "everlasting life." (John 3:16). In the right way and at the right time, we may be able to share that transcendent message.

Easter is the time for that message.

I hope this post helps you offer the best care, especially as you frequently face fragile and temporary life on Earth.

The healthier pace that care ministry produces

Fri, 31 Mar 2023 15:45:40 GMT

You cannot care in a hurry.

"Don't ever be in a hurry when caring."

I heard that advice is when I was learning care ministry as a Chaplain at Hospice of Saint John. Father Paul Von Lobkowitz made the statement that enlightened me to the essence of care. He was the founder of that hospice and his vison was for hospice to provide the best care for the dying.

Father Paul was talking about care in a hospice setting. He wanted the setting to feel calm, quiet and peaceful--different than the noise of overhead-pages, IV and oxygen alarms, and the running in a hospital setting. He recognized that in an emergency department or in the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital that swift and dramatic action is appropriate for crisis situations. But, even there, when the crisis passes, a calming presence helps with the recovery.

Healing, physical or emotional, is slow.

Presence that honors and care that is felt requires time and unrushed listening.

Commitment to care brings a healthy pace to ministry. Caring forces us to slow down. Deeper caring, fuller relationships and mature emotions grow from the slower pace. You can enjoy ministry more at a slower pace.

The sick and infirmed purused and crowed around Jesus. It must have been a loud and chaotic scene, but it is amazing how could bring the situation to a complete standstill, like he did to the stormy seas when he said, "Peace. Be still!." When he cared for those who came to him, everything stopped as he turned his full attention to a single person..

There is a pace of care ministry. Caring forces us to slow down . We stand or sit still as we listen to someone's story. Beside a hospital bed we are present with the sick or injured. We lean in as we, perhaps hold, the grieving person who weeps the loss of thier beloved.

I need to resist the urge to be busy and in a hurry.

I confess, I like it. I am honored that my time is requested by many people. But, if I am honest, I recognize that at least a part of that pace is about me. It makes me feel important. While life if full of demands, I wonder how much of our hurry is allowed because we need it to fuel our sense of significance.

When I stay on time, remove distractions, actively listen and keep my pace slow and focused, then those who I care for, feel that I am 100% with them. The slower pace actually produces the setting where peole are more responsive and I am able accomplish more ministry.

Father Paul's instruction not only helps me care better but it helps me live healthier and set the pace for all of life and ministry.

A general pace of hiking is two miles an hour. Walking may get up to three miles an hour. Maybe that is why I like it so much. I think deeper, observe the scenery, hear my surroundings and am more aware of my own existence and God's presence at that pace. Since most of our going here and there is between 35 and 75 miles an hour while driving defensively and obeying the traffic signals, it can be very difficult to slow down when I am present with another person.

But care has a pace.

Care is slow, calm, listening and engaged. Recognizing the pace of care, adjusting from hurried to slow will help you provide the best care and live the best life. You are needed and what you do matters. Giving time to be present, listen and care is what it takes for a person to feel cared for AND it will also benefit you with a healthy pace of ministry.

In a culture that is too busy to care, your unhurried presence will separate you from the crowd. I hope this post helps you provide the best care, thrive in your caring and help people feel God's love.

Writing will expand your care ministry and establish your legacy.

Fri, 24 Mar 2023 13:01:09 GMT

Our dependence on texts and emails has weakened our ability to express care and compassion, especially with writing.

However, handwritten cards, notes and letters can be very effective expressions of care. Also, texts and emails provide a useful way to care especially if you can't be there.

But, while texts and emails have become the common way to communicate, too often they lack word-smithing and beautiful expressions of deeply felt emotions.

Years ago I uncovered an obituary from my great, great grandfather from their local newspaper. Today it would be called flowery language. I prefer to call it personal, engaging and heartfelt. It seems we have lost someting in our culture. I rarely see that type of writing. T he old fashioned type of writing used words, full of expression and emotion that grieved the lost ones and empathized with the reader.

Sometimes when miles separate you from those you care for, or there are conflicts in your schedule preventing you from being present, or you just want to connect with someone in a meaninfgul way writing is an effective way to care.

So, how can we write effectively so we offer the best care.

The following writing guidelines come from my writing and caring mentors and from me as I used their advice.

Use the fewest words possible in your opening sentence. Catch their attention with a very brief and pithy opening. "If you don't grab them in the first sentence they won't read the rest," my mentor taught me.
Use their name. Calling people by name is second, only to eye contact, for connecting with people. They need to hear their name to feel that you know them and are talking directly to them.
You can pray via text/email. You don't need to only say, "I'm praying for you." Write the prayer. An added benefit is, you will improve your ability to pray, and they will be able to interact with and receive your prayer.
Ask open ended questions. "When can we talk?" is better than "give me a call when you can" or "lets connect soon." "What are you most concerned about?" is better than, "I hope you have a speedy recovery."
Reflectively respond. When you include something in your card or letter that they previously told you, then they feel that you have been paying attention to them and what they said. They feel validated and heard.
Take time. Writing takes time. Time is a valuable resource, and it is a wonderful gift to give to someone. When they hold the card or letter you sent them, they know they were part of your day, even though you were not together. And writing is efficient when you can't be there. The time it takes to write is less than the time that would have been spent driving to and from where you would visit. So, feel free to invest some time into good writing, because it is less that the alternative.
When you don't know what to say, just quickly write down your thoughts as if you were talking. Then take time to edit using the above guidelines. The reader will feel cared for because you took the time to craft an expression of care that can be felt by the suffering person.
Write what you feel. Your care and compassion will be felt by the reader.

Writing matters!

Peter, Paul and John wrote letters that fill most of the New Testament. David, Solomon and a few others wrote poetry to express their laments and praises. The entire Bible is the communication of God through the written word.

Commit to write texts and emails with care and compassion.

Your words will be received with appreciation. Sometimes they will be read again, and again and again. Perhaps they will be printed and saved and years from now will be used as a reminder of the care God provided through you.

Your care matters, even when it is written.

I hope this post helps you thrive as you care for others and that they feel your care and God's love.

A prayer of St. Patrick for times when we are tempted that our prayers are not working.

Fri, 17 Mar 2023 18:32:41 GMT

Don't quit praying.

Don't quit caring,

even if you don't get the answer or

see the results you are looking for.

I’m honored to be part of a group of compassionate people who care for a homeless man who is imprisoned by OCD.

We all want to see something big happen--a breakthrough, a deliverance.

He is part of my prayer list. So are Nathan, Dean and a couple more mental health cases that don’t seem to be getting better. I pray for my Grandson, who has had a bowel disorder since birth. I pray for my 20-month-old granddaughter who is deaf in her right ear—it might be affecting her walking. I pray for my son and his wife who struggle with infertility and now in their early 40s have tried and failed for the last time with a medical procedure. (There are many more on my prayer list.)

What do they all have in common? They are major needs that I care about and have prayed about, but the prayers seem to be unanswered .

Sometimes I feel angry. Other times guilty. Often frustrated. Always questioning.

I don’t need to make excuses for God or say something that makes unanswered prayers make sense. Something like, “God has another plan.” Or, “There must be a reason.” Or, “It is a broken world.”

Unanswered prayer in the face of suffering is one of the big issues that challenge the faith of most Christians.

“Why pray?,” we might ask. It is like the huge question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Maybe you have had some of the same thoughts.

So, how do we keep our faith vibrant and proceed with fervent prayers and acts of compassion.

I need to go back to the basics – the roots.

The person of Jesus and his work are Biblical and historical facts that are the foundation to what we believe. We must view all of life from the foundation and not question the foundation based on our circumstances.

Here in the Lenten season, we are reminded of sinfulness and the need for and the reality of a Savior, his death, burial and resurrection. That is our foundation.

When prayers are not answered as I want, when I want and how I want, I must resist the attack against my faith in Jesus and go back to the basics. Jesus gave us access to a relationship with God, gave us the gift of prayer so we have interaction within that relationship and he listens to and intercedes for our prayers.

So, when I don’t see the answer I want, I keep praying, wrestling, arguing, persuading, repeating, anything but quitting, because I know he is listening.

If I don’t quit, I have hope that God hears and is working in a way I just don’t see yet. I also have hope in eternal life knowing that someday, all will be redeemed and made right.

And the prayer I pray for all the homeless man, my loved ones and many others, especially when I don’t know what to pray is a prayer of St. Patrick. Insert the name of your loved one.

“Christ be with ______,

Christ before ______,

Christ behind ______,

Christ in _____,

Christ beneath _____,

Christ about _____,

Christ on ____'s right,

Christ on _____'s life,

Christ when _____ lies down,

Christ when _____ sits down,

Christ when _____ arises,

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of _____,

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of ____,

Christ in every eye that sees ____,

Christ in every ear that hears _____. Amen!”

I don’t want to give up on any of these needs or become tired and apathetic in my faith. I pray that I won’t quit believing for the homeless man and the others on my prayer list, because Jesus invites us to pray and he loves all of us enough to come to earth and die on a cross to forgive our sins and redeem our lives and open up an eternal relationship with God.

Like a dear old woman told me, PUSH – P ray U ntil S omething H appens. So, I intend to keep PUSH ing.

Thankful you care enough to be involved, even when you don't see immediate response from people or answers to your prayers. Don't quit. God hears you! Your care matters.

CANCERVERSARY -- IT IS A REAL WORD

Fri, 10 Mar 2023 22:04:16 GMT

It is different for everyone!

"You need to see oncology tomorrow."

January 25th will always be my Cancerversary for my diagnosis.

Since then I have

had a huge surgery,
been through six months of in-patient, in-home and out patient therapy,
made a remarkable recovery and
continued to receive the "all-clear" after CT scans! (May 2023 is the next one.)

Since my diagnosis I lost two friends to cancer: Dan Harder, who helped me launch my podcast (Who Cares? with Dan Hettinger) and Richard Powell, a colleague in care ministry.

Cancer changes everything, even when you make a recovery. There is always the chance of recurrence, which is usually more dangerous than the first occurrence and now I know it can happen to me.

I have adjusted to the strange feelings in my hip that, according to my doctor, "Will be permanent reminders of what my body has been through." With much thankfulness I can say, "My schedule and activities have returned to normal."

For too many people a cancer diagnosis is the beginning of a life filled with radical adjustments and panful battles.

The cancer diagnosis is the unwelcome beginning-of-the-end for some.

When one receives the news "you have cancer," it is date that is unforgettable. It is your CANCERVERSARY.

CAKE (https://www.joincake.com/welcome/), the largest end-of-life platform on the internet, founded by MIT and Harvard alumni, introduced me to a good word for that day-- CANCERVERSARY.

"A cancerversary is fully personal to anyone with cancer or a deep connection to it.

A cancerversary can be any milestone throughout your journey with cancer or the journey of someone you love.

These milestones can be positive, negative, or somewhere in between. With any disease, there are likely high points and low points. But, as you may know, there is beauty, even in the valleys of life.

If you’re wondering just how much cancerversaries can differ from one person to the next, here are a few examples. That being said, any person may have more than one cancerversary, especially if they went through extensive treatment.

Some potential cancerversaries include:

The date of a diagnosis
The date of a surgery
The date of the start of a round of treatment
The final day of a round of treatment
The day you or learned you were in remission (or someone you love)
The day someone you love died of cancer

How Do You Celebrate a Cancerversary?

There really are no rules when it comes to celebrating a cancerversary. You can treat it just as you would any other birthday or holiday. Depending on who the guest of honor is, you can even have traditions or a set of guidelines that you follow each year. Or, they can change accordingly...

When you or a loved one is sick, time may take on a different meaning. You may not look at the year as a typical calendar. Instead, you may be focusing on treatment schedules or checkups. But, that being said, you may also cherish each and every moment that much more.

Cancerversaries provide an opportunity to celebrate or take pause, even in the chaos of it all. It’s crucial to take time to enjoy your life — ill or not... This is a great idea to help you look back on the good memories with loved ones, even if it may be painful at times. Not being able to look back would be more painful, after all. " (From the CAKE website).

Before I learned the word, I could feel the significance of the date stirring in my emotions. Instead of the excitement of a happy holiday, I felt a vague and general sense of anxiety dominating my mood over the previous week or two. Feelings of vulnerability and irritability that cancer is now part of my life were mingled with gratitude that I am cancer free today.

My cancerversary is personal. I don't expect others to remember or understand what it means to me--I am still trying to figure out the full impact of my cancerversary.

But, the way that I will celebrate my cancerversary is decided. I will re-read all of the cards that people sent me and review my Facebook and CaringBridge messages. I've organized and saved all of my cards and I'm in the process of sending a "Thanks for Journeying with me" card, with a personal message, to everyone who sent one to me.

This experience awakens in me the reality of the love and help of God and the value and support of friends.

From now on, when we hear people talk about how many years they have been cancer free, or reminisce their day of diagnosis, surgery or chemo/radiation treatments, lets listen more attentively and ask them to describe the moods and details of that defining moment in their life.

By pausing to recognize someone's cancerversary, whether with tears or excitement, you will help them celebrate and feel cared for.

When we care effectively, people feel God's love. So, I hope this post helps you provide the BEST CARE and flourish in your care ministry.

CANCERVERSARY

Fri, 10 Mar 2023 21:13:56 GMT

It is an event that changes your life.

Thursday was the two-year anniversary of my cancer surgery.

During this anniversary, even more than last year, my soul is overflowing with celebration and thankfulness.

Being the patient instead of the Pastor or Chaplain was very disturbing for me .

Having a bone-cancer (Chondrosarcoma) rocked my world. “This can’t be real. It happens to other people, but not to me.” But it did and I was in real need for a while.

However, I was never in want.

Wonderful care was lavished on me.

The care I received from the Dr. Mesko and the Cleveland Clinic was unsurpassed . From surgery to in the hospital room, therapy at the hospital, in the home and outpatient, the care was compassionate, responsive and exactly what I needed.

The hundreds of peope who joined my Dan's Cancer Journey Facebook page meant more to me that I ever imagined it would. Facebook and social media, overwhelm, confuse and distract me, so generally I avoid it. But during that season, I read it as much as I was able and I savored every like, comment and expression of Care. It lifted my spirits and gave me strength.

I thought cards were a thing of the past. What a wonderful surprise to receive nearly two hundred cards. I read every word of every card. They are saved in a box. Each one made me feel better.

The men from Mountainview started a Go-Fund-Me Page that completely covered my out-of-pocket expenses and then-some. Even with insurance there were co-pays and additional expenses that I did not need to figure how and when to pay.

God heard and answered the prayers of an army of people who stormed the gates of Heaven with requests for me . On my worst night in the hospital I was tired, afraid, in pain and medicated. My only prayer was, “Lord, I receive the prayers of all the people who are praying for me.” Visons are not a normal spiritual occurrence for me but I saw something that night. I had a vision of some dark silhouettes of people slowly moving in a foggy setting. Clearly it came to me, although not in an audible voice, that these are the people praying for me.

Then when I arrived home I received a card in the mail (pictured at the top of this post) that had dark silhouettes drawn across the bottom of the card. “I saw this before," I said in a very surprised and excited way. "On that bad, dark night, I saw people praying for me.” I will always save and cherish the card Elise made for me!

I’m thankful for my wife and kids, son-in-law, daughters-in-law and grandsons They helped when I was down and celebrated my recovery. They made me feel like I mattered.

If I make it to my two years scans in May without a recurrence, there is a 90% chance that I will never have a recurrence. That is the next milestone on this journey.

Care matters!

If the care I have given during my vocational ministry mattered as much to those I cared for as your care did for me, I am thrilled to have been called to care.

Now, at this post-cancer stage of life, I am thrilled to be working hard to grow Best Care Ministry so many compassionate people will be equipped and encouraged to provide the Best Care so others will feel God's love, like I did when I needed care.

Recognizing Helen's work for Black History Month

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 22:03:42 GMT

Helen's care for people exceeded all expectations .

I worked with Helen during the night shift at Hospice of Saint John, in Denver.

For some reason, from 1-3 am seemed to be prime time for people to pass from this life into the next. Our roles were different but we often worked together during those difficult hours.

Our hospice set the bar high on providing dignity to those at the end of life and following their passing.

Others learned from the way we did things. We did not use body bags or toe tags. Their ride to the mortuary was an honored escort in the transport vehicle--they were the only patient. The face of the deceased was not covered until they were ready to enter the transport vehicle. A Chaplain attended every death, 24/7/365. It was my job to oversee this process for the many deaths that I attended.

At our Inpatient Care Center, which was the second oldest inpatient hospice in the United States, CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) would prepare the body to be transported. After the passing, usually the family would step out of the room to give the CNA space and time to do her work of preparing the body to be moved. Many times, the final hours and minutes were messy. Fresh bedding would often be put on the bed. The body would be bathed and then dressed in fresh bed clothes (occasionally street clothes) and tucked into a clean and orderly bed. With the head resting on a pillow and the hands folded over the patient, often, a small bouquet of flowers would be placed in the hands.

All of our CNAs showed compassion to our patients and treated them with dignity, but Helen excelled above all.

The family of the deceased said their farewell and committed this patient to our care. With the outside world asleep and no one watching, Helen worked in the early morning hours with the difficult and dramatic task of tending to a dead body. She did not know I saw her.

I watched as Helen applied skin cream, gently and thoroughly, as we might to our own bodies after we take a hot bath or shower.

Her work was angelic . Often I called her an angel as I raved about her work and the love that flowed from her hands as she cared for patients.

Helen is a black woman. I don't know how that affects the way she works but I do know that no one else could do her job any better than she did. Her motive was to treat each patient with dignity but her actions were a tribute to hospice care, CNAs and her race. Her salary helped put her daughter though college.

I've worked with many Black medical professionals including doctors, nurses, therapists, in home caregivers and CNAs, who deserve recognition for their work, especially during Black History Month.

I hope this post is not perceived as political nor patronizing. I don't expect this salute to adequately address racism. But Black History month always reminds me of Helen and it gives me the opportunity to honor her and many other skilled and dedicated workers. In a small way, I hope this post supports efforts to end racism.

Take a moment to appreciate CNAs and black medical professionals that serve those in your care.

When you care for people who care for people, your care matters and you are helping to provide the best care. I hope this post helps you care better than ever before and thrive in your care ministry.

We need to understand trauma and this post includes four things you can do for someone who has experienced a trauma.

Sat, 25 Feb 2023 14:57:42 GMT

"Did you see that accident yesterday? It was horrible."

Both of the guys I normally have coffee with on Tuesday mornings saw it during their normal drive patterns on a local street. Then they went on to describe the horrific damage. Their countenance and tone revealed that it affected them emotionally to happen on a fatal car accident a few minutes after it happened.

"Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives." This definition, along with more explanation and help related to trauma, can be found of the American Psychological Association web site. https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/

Much like grief, the trauma impacts our emotions but often is never processed . We can't do anything about the accident, don't know the people involved and we are on our way to somewhere else. So, we ignore how disturbed we feel by what we saw. Maybe the only thing we do is commit again to never texting and driving.

Each person has their individual response and there are many different traumas. The Sandy Hook/Columbine cooperative provided the graphic above describing some of the risks that are multiplied for the person who has experienced trauma.
http://sandyhookcolumbine.org/behaviors-associated-with-traumatic-events/

Drama, with screaming, shaking, fainting, weeping, along with many other extreme responses may accompany the traumatized person or the one who witnesses the catastrophic event. Shock and denial is a possibility in the earlier moments, producing a stoic calm while deciding how to take the next steps.

The essential caring skills that we use for the grieving also apply with those traumatized.

1. Be present.
2. Ask questions so the person can tell their story--what they saw, what they are trying to process.
3. Actively listen.
4. Meet basic needs.

Most traumas have the element of surprise. The victim is unprepared for the event that was totally unexpected. Our same skills help deescalate the situation.

Thankfully there are many counselors that specialize in trauma therapy so we can refer our care receivers to them for deeper and long term help.

People today, due to many different factors, experience and see much more trauma than previous generations. We live in a traumatized world so if we who care for people will be aware and use our God given gifts and knowledge to support them, we will help people endure the worst experience of their lives and avoid more catastrophic circumstances caused by unresolved trauma.

Please remember to appreciate and pray for first-responders: police, paramedics, EMTs, firefighters, emergency room doctors, nurses and staff who experience traumas every day. News reporters are also confronted with being at the scene and reporting the sad and tragic events.

The graphic at the top of the page shows what can happen when somoene who has experienced a trauma does not find support. I hope this post helps you find the courage and resources you need to support the traumatized. Because your care matters!

Do you allow for the "interrupt" factor of care?

Fri, 17 Feb 2023 12:47:38 GMT

Take time to care, even when it is inconvenient.

The nature of care ministry is to respond to needs when they happen. They often happen at inconvenient times.

Then news came mid-week that my wife's Dad developed heart problems. He was in the hospital with atrial fibrillation ( aka AFib). People live with AFib but also have strokes and die from AFib, so at 87 years old and with heart related deaths in his family, Susan was very concerned about her Dad in North Carolina.

There is never a convenient time for the things we hope will never happen . Our plans don't include these emergencies and they interrupt our full schedules. Adjustments to routines are made that define a father-daughter relationship and express the love they have for each other. There may not be a second chance for this type of visit.

Throughout our life in ministry, we have lived at least a couple hundred miles away from family--most of the years about 1500 miles apart. Visits were precious. They also required major trips that were expensive and required a lot of planning, so they didn't happen nearly enough. Susan lived with the constant sacrifice of being far away.

But we decided she would take the time, as much as needed, for her to be with her Dad . If the condition became worse, she would be there. She would be with her dad if he recovered, to attend doctor visits, understand the treatments and provide the practical support of caring for her Dad. The value of this time far surpassed the cost of the month she was away.

During her extended visit, everything was said that needed to be said and done that needed to be done . While it did not make up for all the time that they missed seeing each other over the years, it did provide a sense of fulfillment that they had an extended time of togetherness at a critical time. His condition plateaued, so she returned home, and with the peace that, if something catastrophic does happen, she has no unfinished business . Everything was said that needed to be said and done that needed to be done.

Another daughter to another father that I know of spent the last several months of his life out of state, at his home during in his final stages with cancer. The time well spent, revealed priorities, expressed love, and avoided regrets.

Care pastors know, "you can't care in a hurry," so when someone comes to you, trying to decide what to do, help them to find a way to spend time with their loved ones. It probably is inconvenient, but it is a lot better than living with the regrets of unexpressed love and missed opportunities.

Do we allow for the interrupt factors in our ministries too? During the busy Sunday morning activities at church, a 47-year-old man experienced a cardiac event in the church lobby. All normal activities were interrupted while the paramedics attempted resuscitation. The worship songs seemed inappropriate. The sermon too. So everything stopped. People were quiet. Prayerful. Contemplative. Supportive of the close friends and family of the man in the critical situation. Unfortunately, this young man did not survive.

Many plans and programs are interrupted by emergency surgeries, accidents, and an unexpected diagnosis. We are often frustrated, confused and perhaps angered by the inconveneince of this need for care. Those emotions are normal. But above the emotions we should be prepared to be interrupted. Can we pivot to respond to a need? Will we put our plans on hold and be present with the person who needs our care? Slow down? Listen?

Needs are to be expected. The interruptions are the defining moments of life, often more than efforts and results of the plans we make. We need to raise up a culture of "Good Samaritans" who are trained to care and willing to be interrupted . When we do we will care better than ever before, people will feel God's care and we will live and minister with the knowledge that we did what mattered.

I hope this post helps you offer the best care.

An idea to energize you to be your best & enjoy your calling!

Fri, 10 Feb 2023 21:33:31 GMT

Everybody needs to call time out sometime.

Go Eagles!!!

GREAT IDEA!!!
After an extended sabbatical to preserve his calling, he implemented the " timeout" between appointments . Instead of a day filled with hospital visits, meetings, calls, emails, events and planning, back to back to back to back to back to back, he inserted brief timeouts of stillness, listening and calm, at least a few times per morning and afternoon. When possible, and it usually is, he will take a timeout between each activity and create space for inspiration and renewal for the nest task.

Peter Scazzero, who I often quote in Emotional Healthy Spirituality--Day by Day, recommends two minutes before and after prayer and devotional times, just to listen to God.

I adopted this pattern and also applied it to work. It helps me develop an ear for God's voice. That is energizing, refreshing, clarifying and empowering.

Before I began reading background materials, looking at previous messages, and typing this blog post, I sit quietly for a couple minutes at my desk. After I am finished and before I hit "Publish Post", I will do the same.

Long, extended times of silence and stillness can be hard to come up with and, for most people, are not practical, at least not for frequent use.

But everyone can take a two-minute time out for stillness before and/or after an activity--not music, nor TV, driving or even walking, just stillness with listening and introspection.

The timeout in a football game gives the opportunity to adjust, call a play, do a cheer, refocus and win the game.

It can be a game changer for us too.

Try it now after you have read this blog post.

What you do matters too much for you to burn out and you want to keep working. So that you can be there when you need to be and so you can continue to enjoy your work, call a timeout . Or take three timeouts in each half of your day.

Now, I'm going call a timeout to be prayerful, quiet, close my eyes and be still for a couple of minutes and then hit send.

I hope this post helps you care better than ever before, AND I hope it keeps you refreshed in your spirit, soul, mind and body so you are at 100% on each call and enjoy your calling!

Seven things I learned after the loss of my child.

Sat, 04 Feb 2023 19:08:26 GMT

When you can support a grieving parent,

you are valuable to a world that needs care and comfort.

Angela Miller is a writer, speaker and grief advocate. In her blog, "A Bed for My Heart" she gives us helpful advice for the most challenging care situation we can face--the death of a child.

Angela's post was sent to me by a mom who lost her son to suicide.

"Child loss is a loss like no other.

One often misunderstood by many. If you love a bereaved parent or know someone who does, remember that even his or her “good” days are harder than you could ever imagine. Compassion and love, not advice, are needed .

If you’d like an inside look into why the loss of a child is a grief that lasts a lifetime, here is what I’ve learned in my seven years of trekking through the unimaginable.

1). Love never dies.

There will never come a day, hour, minute or second I stop loving or thinking about my son. Just as parents of living children unconditionally love their children always and forever, so do bereaved parents. I want to say and hear his name just the same as non-bereaved parents do. I want to speak about my deceased child as normally and naturally as you speak of your living ones.

I love my child just as much as you love yours– the only difference is mine lives in heaven and talking about him is unfortunately quite taboo in our culture. I hope to change that. Our culture isn’t so great about hearing about children gone too soon, but that doesn’t stop me from saying my son’s name and sharing his love and light everywhere I go. Just because it might make you uncomfortable, doesn’t make him matter any less. My son’s life was cut irreversibly short, but his love lives on forever. And ever.

2). Bereaved parents share an unspeakable bond.

In my seven years navigating the world as a bereaved parent, I am continually struck by the power of the bond between bereaved parents. Strangers become kindreds in mere seconds– a look, a glance, a knowing of the heart connects us, even if we’ve never met before. No matter our circumstances, who we are, or how different we are, there is no greater bond than the connection between parents who understand the agony of enduring the death of a child. It’s a pain we suffer for a lifetime, and unfortunately only those who have walked the path of child loss understand the depth and breadth of both the pain and the love we carry.

3). I will grieve for a lifetime.

Period. The end. There is no “moving on,” or "getting over it." There is no bow, no fix, no solution to my heartache. There is no end to the ways I will grieve and for how long I will grieve. There is no glue for my broken heart, no elixir for my pain, no going back in time. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and ache and love my son with all my heart and soul. There will never come a time where I won’t think about who my son would be, what he would look like, and how he would be woven perfectly into the tapestry of my family. I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love lasts forever; that the loss of a child is not one finite event, it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute over the course of a lifetime. Every missed birthday, holiday, milestone– should-be back-to-school school years and graduations; weddings that will never be; grandchildren that should have been but will never be born– an entire generation of people are irrevocably altered forever.

This is why grief lasts forever. The ripple effect lasts forever. The bleeding never stops.

4). It’s a club I can never leave but is filled with the most shining souls I’ve ever known.

This crappy club called child loss is a club I never wanted to join, and one I can never leave, yet is filled with some of the best people I’ve ever known . And yet we all wish we could jump ship– that we could have met another way– any other way but this. Alas, these shining souls are the most beautiful, compassionate, grounded, loving, movers, shakers and healers I have ever had the honor of knowing. They are life-changers, game-changers, relentless survivors and thrivers. Warrior moms and dads who redefine the word brave.

Everyday loss parents move mountains in honor of their children gone too soon. They start movements, change laws, spearhead crusades of tireless activism. Why? In the hope that even just one parent could be spared from joining the club. If you’ve ever wondered who some of the greatest world changers are, hang out with a few bereaved parents and watch how they live, see what they do in a day, a week, a lifetime.

Watch how they alchemize their grief into a force to be reckoned with, watch how they turn tragedy into transformation, loss into legacy.

Love is the most powerful force on earth, and the love between a bereaved parent and his/her child is a lifeforce to behold. Get to know a bereaved parent. You’ll be thankful you did.

5). The empty chair/room/space never becomes less empty.

Empty chair, empty room, empty space in every family picture. Empty, vacant, forever gone for this lifetime. Empty spaces that should be full, everywhere we go. There is and will always be a missing space in our lives, our families, a forever-hole-in-our-hearts. Time does not make the space less empty. Neither do platitudes, clichés or well-wishes for us to “move on,” or “stop dwelling,” from well intentioned friends or family. Nothing does. No matter how you look at it, empty is still empty. Missing is still missing. Gone is still gone. The problem is nothing can fill it. Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after heartbreaking year the empty space remains.

The empty space of our missing child(ren) lasts a lifetime. And so we rightfully miss them forever. Help us by holding the space of that truth for us.

6). No matter how long it’s been, holidays never become easier without my son.

Never, ever. Have you ever wondered why every holiday season is like torture for a bereaved parent? Even if it’s been 5, 10, or 25 years later? It’s because they really, truly are. Imagine if you had to live every holiday without one or more of your precious children. Imagine how that might feel for you. It would be easier to lose an arm, a leg or two– anything— than to live without your flesh and blood, without the beat of your heart. Almost anything would be easier than living without one of more of your precious children. That is why holidays are always and forever hard for bereaved parents. Don’t wonder why or even try to understand. Know you don’t have to understand in order to be a supportive presence. Consider supporting and loving some bereaved parents this holiday season. It will be the best gift you could ever give them.

7). Because I know deep sorrow, I also know unspeakable joy.

Though I will grieve the death of my son forever and then some, it does not mean my life is lacking happiness and joy. Quite the contrary, in fact, though it took awhile to get there. It is not either/or, it’s both/and. My life is more rich now. I live from a deeper place. I love deeper still. Because I grieve I also know a joy like no other. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss. Such is the alchemy of grief.

Because I’ve clawed my way from the depth of unimaginable pain, suffering and sorrow, again and again– when the joy comes, however and whenever it does– it is a joy that reverberates through every pore of my skin and every bone in my body. I feel all of it, deeply: the love, the grief, the joy, the pain. I embrace and thank every morsel of it. My life now is more rich and vibrant and full, not despite my loss, but because of it. In grief there are gifts, sometimes many. These gifts don’t in any way make it all “worth” it, but I am grateful beyond words for each and every gift that comes my way. I bow my head to each one and say thank you, thank you, thank you. Because there is nothing– and I mean absolutely nothing– I take for granted. Living life in this way gives me greater joy than I’ve ever known possible.

I have my son to thank for that. Being his mom is the best gift I’ve ever been given.

Even death can’t take that away."

I was speaking to a group about grief. A mother who lost her little girl was present. She said she lost friends because they didn't know what to do, so they did nothing . They avoided the awkwardness and at the same time, abandoned their friend in need. I wonder how often that happens in our ministries. We should not make that mistake.

Addressing this subject is heavy and difficult. I prefer to write about happy things that don't stir us so deeply. But when we allow compassion to take us to the sad and dark places, the caring skills and perspectives that are developed in us, make us more useful to God and relevant to a world that is full of suffering.

Hopefully Angel's advice will help you care for someone who has lost a child and expand your compassion to support people who experience any loss.

I hope this post helps you care better than ever before.

A Mother's Continuing Love for the Baby She Lost

Sat, 28 Jan 2023 22:02:18 GMT

It would have been her 5th birthday.

This tribute is in the words of a loving and grieving mother.

Thank you Abigail for giving me permission to share your story with our readers. I hope it helps them care better than ever before, especially when they are supporting parents who have lost a baby.

The number 5 balloon sways gently in our kitchen. It is brightly colored and is accompanied by a unicorn Happy Birthday balloon and a star Happy Birthday balloon. Such a fun and cheerful sight.

But they remind me that 5 years ago I gave birth to a baby who wouldn’t live and 5 years ago we held her in our arms as she took her last breath and went home to Jesus.

The sharp sting of grief has dulled over time but the memories are as clear as ever in my heart and mind.

Our sweet girl with the deep blue eyes and calm demeanor. She snuggled into my chest as we sat skin-to-skin for hours each day.

She lay in Chad’s arms and gazed at him as he sang to her and prayed over her. She only knew love and comfort in her short seven days with us. And when it was her time to go, her face, deformed by genetic defect, relaxed fully and I gazed at the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen.

It’s been 5 years of grief but also of celebration. Celebration for the life that some would say we should have ended as soon as we knew her diagnosis. A life that the doctors did not anticipate would ever take a breath on this side of eternity. A life that God gifted us for a week before He tenderly took her Home. And a life that still lives on today, in complete wholeness, fully healed!

We love you, Sarabeth! We celebrate you! Your sisters picked out cupcakes for you that I’m sure you would have loved. We all miss you. And we can’t wait to see you again

***

And one final note - if you have lost, allow yourself to fully grieve. But also allow yourself to celebrate. You will be surprised at how healing it can be. "

You might want to learn more about Trisomy and the different ways this can impact a baby. https://trisomy.org/

A Baby Naming Ceremony for a Miscarriage or Death At Birth

Sat, 28 Jan 2023 21:28:35 GMT

Something you can do when supporting those who have lost a baby.

What can we do when a mother miscarries or a baby dies at birth?

There are few things more emotionally gut-wrenching than the unexpected loss of a baby. When we as Pastors, Care Pastors, Ministry Leaders, colleagues or friends are called to support the family who has just experienced this loss, it is hard to know what to do.

A Naming Ceremony is one thing we may be able to do, if the parents want it.

By all means, avoid filling the awkward silence with misguided words that do not comfort. "You are young, you can have another." "God needed them in Heaven." "It is a blessing in disguise." "They are an angel now." "They don't have to experience the pain of this world." "This must be God's plan."

The young couple I was visiting was heartbroken to discover, during one of their prenatal doctor appointments, that there was no heart beat. A few hours later, she gave birth to a lifeless baby. She held her and loved her and grieved that she would never get to see her grow up.

When my wife miscarried our second child we didn't know anything about this beautiful naming ceremony, so we didn't know how to respond to our loss. I think I would have been better at supporting my wife if I had identified the loss of our child, instead of a miscarriage that my wife endured.

I was introduced to this ceremony in the hospital where I was a Chaplain.

After introducing the ceremony to this couple that probably did not know about it, the mother quickly replied that she wanted to name the little girl that was not born alive.

A Naming Ceremony
The ceremony begins with a prayer.

"Lord, God, we are gathered to share our faith. Right now, the mystery of life and death is overwhelming. Help these young parents to believe and trust in your goodness and wisdom, at a time when human understanding falls short. Amen."

"The word of the Lord came to Jeremiah, saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you...' We name this child today so that we may remember her coming among us and we ask God to bless our remembering."

To the parents, "What will you name this child?"

They reply, "We name her _________________."

Then I declare, "O child whom we have known for such a short time, we call you _____________. Receive this name as a sign of your uniqueness to us and before God. By this name you will be remembered."

There may be another scripture and prayer. The program can be printed and saved to memorialize this day. T

Even though the ceremony is brief, the impact lasts a life time. It is not a time for many words, but for a few meaningful words that brings a moment of meaning to the chaos of trauma

In most communities, and online there are grief resources available to address this special grief. They are offered by people who have experienced a similiar pain.

Mothers In Sympathy and Support (MISS) Foundation: missfoundation.org

Colorado Pregnancy and Newborn Loss: ColoradoPregnancyLoss.org

Still A Part of Us: stillapartofus.com Here you will find stoires and help through writing, podcasts and YouTube.

When you help someone who has experienced the loss of a baby, your ministry will be valuable beyond measure. I hope this post helps you care better than ever before.

Depressed people need hope.

Sat, 21 Jan 2023 19:23:42 GMT

Your presence can be an important step

in a depressed person finding hope.

The T-shirt says, "Life is Good."

But circumstances make it feel like, "Life is depressing."

As a culture, we are like the cancer patient who thinks they are in remission but discovers the cancer has come back. The victories of recovery are temporary and replaced by more suffering and an uncertain future.

In our current rhythm of life and ministry, before our energy is fully retored in a short time of calm, another problem, crisis, war, disease, variant, argument or enemy disrupts our peace. Life and ministry becomes depressing.

"Hurting people often struggle with depression as it is a natural reaction to stress and tension," writes Barb Roberts, an experienced Care Pastor in metro Denver ( Helping Those Who Hurt , Barbara M. Roberts, NavPress, p. 13 [ click to buy]).

"It can affect anyone, at any time. Depression ranges from mild to severe.

Mild depression , which is often called 'the blues,' is usually brief and does not seriously interfere with normal activities.
Moderate depression brings feelings of hopeless that are more intense and longer lasting...
Severe depression is identified by a loss of interest in the outside world and serious, prolonged behavioral changes.

Your role as a caregiver (Care Pastor, Stephen Minister, Home Care caregiver, friend, family member--my insert), is to listen to, support, and pray for those struggling with depression. Individuals with either moderate or severe depression should get the help of a professional counselor. Be quick to recognize when you are in 'over your head' and make a referral, providing resources and even offering to accompany the person through the first counseling visit.

Keep in mind that professional support is something that should be recommended in addition to your help, not instead of your help. Whether by phone, email, or personal visits, be consistent in your contact with anyone you refer to a professional.

Depressed people need hope... " (Ibid.)

You don't need to cheer up the depressed person. But as you, a person of compassion and faith, are present with them and learn their story from their dark place, the environment is perfect for the work of God to warm and brighten the cold and dark depressed conditon of the soul.

Our care for people is more than trying to make them feel comfort but it is to keep their faith alive so they experience hope. Together you can ascend to God in prayer from their lowly condition, as the Psalmist did...

"Out of the depths, I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice...
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope."
Psalm 130:1, 5

My prayer for you is...

"May the God of hope
fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in him,
so that you may overflow with hope
by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13

As we live and minister in a world of need when life is depressing, may we find hope through our cries to God and help people find hope from a God who listens as we are present and listen to them.

People are looking for hope in a world with continual stress and tension. So when you care for someone and they find hope, what you do matters beyond anything you can measure.

I hope this post encourages you so you can care better than ever before.

Presence works with the ill, including the mentally ill. Here are five things you can do to help them feel your presence.

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Sat, 14 Jan 2023 01:54:15 GMT

Are you aware that 1 in 5 of us lives with a mental illness?

Is there anything you can do to help?

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With over 200 different types of mental illnesses , each person needs some type of care.

Professional care, sometimes with medication, is often needed.

But there is one thing we can all do that will make a big difference--offer the ministry of presence. The presence of a trusted caregiver will help professional therapy work better and sometimes it is enough to help people find healing.

Continue to read on to and see the story unfold of a man that just needed the power of someones presence !!!

I was sitting with a man who was mentally ill but you could not tell it by looking at him. Broken relationships and addiction had wreaked havoc on his young life. Troubled emotions and confused thinking added to his torment. It was complicated so I simply offered my presence.

I sat with him.
I looked him in the eye, when I could. He often looked at the floor.
I asked him open ended questions that gave him the opportunity to tell me his story.
I listened to him.
When it was appropriate, I repeated what I heard so he would know he was heard and feel validated as a person .

" This really helps, " They were his words, not mine.

His response was so bold, I was surprised.

He continued, "You are not trying to fix me or tell me what to do."

His countenance relaxed. He looked at the floor while he was organizing his thoughts but often he looked back at me, and locked in on my eye contact. We were connecting and a tear rolled down his cheek. That was unusual for a man known more for anger than vulnerability.

I had the feeling my role was rare in his life. Perhaps no one else was "just" present with him.

He wanted to pray!! He wanted to read Scripture!! Preaching or teaching from me was not necessary --just responding to what he asked for.

That scenario has repeated itself with the same results throughout my ministry because PRESENCE works!

The Ministry of Presence works with the...

addicted
behavioral and mentally ill
the elderly
the demented
the injured
the sick
the grieving

When you offer presence with someone ill, whatever the illness, or someone in need, whatever the need, your presence provides care that is valuable beyond measure.

This emphasis is important because it does not feel like it is enough. We worry about what we will say and fear that we cannot do enough. Sometimes those doubts intimidate us and keep us from offering presence and a caring relationship. There are many unmet needs and lonely people because this ministry is misunderstood and under utilized.

But comfort and healing will take place if we just offer our presence. When we practice the ministry of presence our ministries will expand with people saying, "This really helps." They will be open to Scripture and Teaching because someone cared with presence first. Care givers will be encouraged to care more because they will know they have what it takes to make a difference in someone's life.

I hope that this post will help many find comfort and healing because more people will be caring better than ever before.

Are you too afraid to put care into action, or know someone who is?

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Fri, 06 Jan 2023 21:56:03 GMT

Here are five simple- c are-actions that help you over come the fear of not knowing what what to say.

What do you believe is the #1 barrier to people actively caring for others?

I once wrote about slowing down and taking time to care. I know time is a barrier. But a barrier to caring that is even greater than busyness is FEAR!

My banker asked me what he should have done with one of his customers. "Her husband just died. He was younger than I am and I just didn't know what to say to her so I didn't do anything. What should I have done?"

A former NFL lineman called me and asked, "My neighbor was just diagnosed with cancer. What should I do?"

Their uncertainty made these capable men fearful--not too fearful to care emotionally but too fearful to put their emotional care into action.

Loss, grief, and suffering are so dramatic that people think they must produce wise and profound words to remove the pain or at least make sense of the suffering. The fear that they will not be able to calm an emotionally charged situation or comfort a person in deep distress prevents them from doing anything.

But care isn't brain surgery. We will leave that to the doctors. There are effective care-actions that are so simple that everyone can do them. If you do these, you do not need to fear that you have not done enough.

Here are five simple- c are-actions that help you over come the fear of not knowing what what to say:

Be there. Your unhurried presence matters.
Make eye contact. Lean in.
Actively listen with gestures of attention that validates the person during their time of need.
Ask open ended questions that give your friend the opportunity to tell their story.
When appropriate, repeat what they have said so that they feel that they have been heard.

THE SIMPLE-CARE-ACTIONS WORKED

Entering the hospital room, my fellow chaplain cared appropriately even though she was harshly greeted by a devout atheist, "What do you want," he barked. "I don't want anything," she said, "except to talk with you a couple of minutes." Slightly less gruff he asked back, "What do you want to talk about?" "I want to get to know you." That led to a pleasant and appreciated visit.

A Care Pastor at a large church once told me, "I can't care for 4000 people by myself, so I try to find ways for more people to care."

Emphasizing these simple actions and affirming people who care for others with these powerful actions will build an environment of care by removing the barrier of fear to care. They work in nearly every situation and lead to people find the healing they need as they talk, or coming to the place where they ask you to talk.

I hope this post helps you care and helps others overcome their fear so we all care more and better than ever before!

A prayer for the suffering that will encourage you!

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Fri, 06 Jan 2023 21:43:09 GMT

Caring benefits the care receiver

and the care giver.

I didn't want the call, close to midnight, that I was needed at the hospital.

But this visit would be a blessing for me as much or more than the one I attempted to bless with a visit.

Nearly 100 years old, this bright and gracious woman, devout in her faith asked for the Chaplain. When I arrived she welcomed me into her hospital room and wanted me to pray with her. On her bedside table was her prayer book that she grabbed for her emergency trip to the hospital. The book was marked on page 82 of My Daily Orthodox Prayer Book where I found a Prayer for One Who Is Suffering .

This was the prayer I prayed for her, at her request.
"Lord, how inscrutable are Your ways.
We confess that our thoughts are not Your thoughts.
And our ways are not Your ways.
You love us far more than we love You,
And your wisdom is far superior to ours.
Help us to yield our will to Yours,
And our puny knowledge of Your Grand Wisdom.
Help us to see Your love behind everything that happens to us.
For You are at work for good in our lives
when we place our complete trust in You .
You know, Lord, how confused our minds are,
and what great distress afflicts our hearts.
In our utter weakness we cry out to You,
'My God, my God, why have You forsaken us?'
Have mercy, Lord, have mercy on us.
Relieve my pain as I am a victim of so
much meaningless suffering and pain.
Do not prolong my agony.
We confess that You are never
nearer to us than when our hearts are broken.
Come to us in our weakness, Lord,
increase our faith.
Help us to pray as You did in Your agony,
'Shall I not drink the cup which You,
the Father has given me?'
You are our only hope, dear Lord,
we seek refuge under the shelter of Your wings.
We bow down before You, the God of
mercies and bounties.
Full of love for Your children.
You alone are the Physician of our souls
and bodies,
And to You we give glory, to the Father,
And to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit now and
forever. -Amen."

I held her hand and was awed by her peace as I looked into her eyes. "God is always with me. When I take a step, He takes a step with me," she said with a calm conviction.

My faith was strengthened and I was blessed when I was present to be the support and bring the blessing. That has happened many times.

Caring matters for the care receiver. It also matters for the the care giver.

My prayer for you today is that you are blessed in your soul as you care for others and that throughout the world the most excited and energetic people in ministry will be caregivers who are pouring out themselves to care for others.

I hope this post encouages you so that you care better than ever before.

Just Keep it Simple

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Fri, 30 Dec 2022 03:09:22 GMT

Mother Teresa: A Care Ministry Hero

Why did it take me so long to read a Mother Teresa's biography?

This simple woman reminded the biographer of his grandmother. She had a lot of wrinkles, could be both stern and loving with her thin lips pursed. A penetrating stare, extremely warm and affectionate, and a smile to melt every heart and cause the recipient to fee l love to cause them to believe their life mattered.

She mastered the truth that little things matter!

"Not all of us can do great things. But all of us can do
small things with great love."
"If you can't feed a hundred people, feed one."
"Kind words are short and easy to speak.
But their echos are truly endless."
"Never worry about numbers.
Help one person at a time and start with the person nearest you."
"We shall never know that good that a simple smile can do."
"I alone cannot change the world,
but I can cast a stone and create many ripples."

This "grandmotherly" woman simply cared in simple ways. She demonstrated that a care ministry does not require sophisticated people with complicated strategies. Even the resources to fund her efforts followed the profound impact of her simple care.

One of the challenges and encouragements we can recieve from her life and ministry is for us to keep it simple!!

If we implement this...

We are more effective in our care,
More content with a measurement that does not include numbers
And we will discover that all people can be involved in care, one of the most important acts of faith!

I hope this post helps you care better than ever before!

Increasing respect for Care Ministry

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Fri, 30 Dec 2022 03:01:29 GMT

An amazing group of people, providing compassionate care to countless people, in immeasurable ways,

who are worthy of the highest respect!

How can we increase the perceived value of Care Ministry in 2023?

Two Care Minsters told me me, "I do not get respect nor support from my church."

This challenge came into focus for me when I was visiting a care pastor who said, "The senior pastor is all about church growth. I get the messy stuff." Another Care Pastor from a large church told me, "Senior pastors can be really hard to work with (he used stronger language as he expressed his frustration)."

These statements motivate me . Care ministries, care pastors and acts of care make an positive impact on ministries everywhere. We are an amazing group of people, providing compassionate care to countless people, in immeasurable ways, and are worthy of the highest respect!

Most importantly, when we care for people we are participating with God to accomplish His work of love and helping people cry to God from the deepest and darkest places of their lives.

"Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament.

Hear my cry for help, my King and my God,

for to you I pray."

Psalm 5:1,2

"Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord.

Lord, hear my voice.

Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy."

Psalm 130:1,2

Care Ministry deserves the highest respect.

In 2023, my highest priority in ministry is to...

Increase the awareness of the importance and effectiveness of care ministry.
Increase the size of the audience discovering the results and benefits of care ministry.
Increase the engagement of the audience with care ministry opportunities and resources.
Increase the use and application of care skills and tools to help others and glorify God.

Here are three ways you can help the cause.

First , commit to providing the best care in every area of your life.

Second , spread the world about Care Ministry.

Read my emails and blog posts every week and forward them to colleagues, friends and family.

Listen to the podcast each week and share them with others.

Third , support Best Care Ministry with prayer and financial support as God leads and enables you.

The world is in need and church leaders are looking for answers. Your participation will bring respect to care ministry and advance the work of God.

I hope these posts help us care better than ever before.

*The picture above includes some of the caring people that got together at Aspen Ridge Recovery Center to network.

A Transcendent Christmas -- The hope of Christmas for your darkest place.

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Sat, 24 Dec 2022 17:23:17 GMT

A gentle light of hope can begin

to shine in your grieving soul.

Let the hope of Christmas enter your darkest place.

The boy in his mid teens told me, "My dad was my hunting buddy. He was my best friend. Now, he is gone. Because of cancer, I lost him."

His sad story continued, "I began to adjust. My mom got a boy friend and he and I were getting along pretty well, when he died in an accident. I used to believe, go to church and youth group, but I don't believe any more."

I can't bring his dad back, nor the man who was beginning to fill an important role. But if I could help to reignite a flicker of faith in him, he would not have to lose his faith, too.

But, trying to make sense out of nonsense is impossible and pat answers such as, "Your dad is in a better place," or "God has a plan we don't understand," only makes things worse.

The challenge to do and say the correct thing is even more challenging at Christmas when our culture has an "obsession" with excitement.

It's bad enough as a griever to hear, 'I am sooooo excited!' It's the next part that wounds: 'Aren't you excited?' Generally, the season fanatics want parties that have pizzazz (ie white-elephant gifts with loud and hilarious laughter), Christmas musicals and programs that dazzle and gifts that provoke speechlessness..." (From A Decembered Grief --Living with Loss While Others are Celebrating , Harold Ivan Smith, pp. 26, 27).

That's why the Blue Christmas service is my favorite service of the Christmas season. It has all the right ingredients. Even if you don't have a Blue Christmas service, there are lessons to help you provide care that transcends our grief at Christmas.

1. It acknowledges and validates sadness and not being in the mood to celebrate . It is not our job to make the grieving person feel better but to make them feel like they have been heard . This service recognizes where they are emotional and gives them the opportunity to express it, if they want to. Listening to that greiving teen age boy, gave him the opportunity to voice his complaint with someone who validated who he was and where he was in his grief and spiritual place of darkness. His emotions became more of a question. I could answer him with the hope that he did not need to lose his faith also, but he could invite a compassionate God into his broken world.

2. People have the opportunity to gather with people who, at least in part, understand. They are not alone and can feel normal with their grief.

3. An opportunity to celebrate still exists. Celebration does not need to be loud and full of "fa la la, la la la" to feel like Christmas. Sure, the angels sang to the shepherds, but other than that, the first Christmas was dark, humble and hard to understand.

4. There is a transcendent message at Christmas . God left Heaven to be with mankind, to redeem the brokenness of the human condition and all of creation. That plan and its execution has been in place from almost the beginning of time and it extends into the eternal future. We should not say, "Don't feel bad because everything is going to be okay,' but we can say, "Let the hope of Christmas enter your darkest place . It might seem as small as a star light in the night sky or a candle on a dark night, but some day, the ultimate plan of God will be completed. He will wipe tears from your eyes. The hope of that plan is made real in the historical event of Christmas. "

But for now, we continue to shed tears in our grief and search for the message that brings comfort and hope. I was honored to lead a Blue Christmas service and help a boy who has lost his dad, a parent who has lost a child, a husband who has lost a wife..., and all who grieve, to find a gentle light of hope begin to shine in their grieving soul.

Providing support for the grieving matters, especially at this time of year. How you care matters!!

I hope this post helps you care better than ever before.

When the prayer for healing goes "unanswered"

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Thu, 15 Dec 2022 22:19:41 GMT

When there are no answers to our prayers,

we should NOT manufacture one!

"UNANSWERED" PRAYERS

A young mother was disappointed when the prayer for her six week old baby went UNANSWERED !!

Due to the advances of modern medicine and the skills and knowledge of pediatricians, babies get hearing tests very early in life. This little one has a "severe" hearing deficit in one of her ears. Of course this young mom wants her newborn to be well. I do too!! The baby is my granddaughter.

A daughter from a different family called me about the time I heard about my granddaughter. She was praying for her alcoholic mom to respond positively to the intervention and agree to enter a treatment center. The mom rejected the offer and chose alcohol. Desperate prayers for loved ones with addictions, suicide ideation and/or mental illnesses are cried by families watching self-destructive behavior ruin a life and a family.

I've attended and officiated funerals for people who died after an extended illness. They, their friends and families prayed for healing from cancer. In this common responsibility of our calling to care for people with prayer for healing, we are confronted with a crisis of belief for both ourselves and those we care for when our prayers are not answered in the way we requested.

WHEN THERE ARE NO WORDS TO EXPLAIN THE MISTERY, DON'T SPEAK.
In Living with Loss, One Day at a Time , Rachel Kodanaz describes an appropriate response for "unspeakable grief."

"One cannot speak when there are no words to truly articulate the feeling of overwhelming sadness, the inability to comprehend the loss, and the continual search each day for the will to carry on... While we may not be able to speak in words, we are speaking--in love, loss and the desire to remember. " (p. 4)

Similarly, we may not be able to care with words, as we wait for answers or face the disappointment of a result different than our request. So we care with presence, listening and empathize with a questioning soul .

Books like Philip Yancey's, Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference , help us keep our faith in an all wise, listening and caring God during these times of mystery and anguish when our words fail us. I f our faith survives this crisis, we can keep praying and experience the answer at another time or discover a different answer or find the strength and comfort to keep living as we "ask, seek and knock" (Matthew 7:7) for the answer.

PERSIST IN CARING AND PRAYING

So, I will maintain my care for both of these daughters with,

presence
listening
empathy
continued prayers of petition & questioning

When we persist in our prayers, even when they appear to be unanswered , we continue to learn, grow in our faith, express trust in God, even when we don't understand Him, experience God's work beyond our expectations or desires and support a person so that their faith survives and they can keep on living and searching.

When you CARE for others with prayer, your care matters. I hope this post helps you care better than ever before.

Healing Prayer on Holy Ground

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Thu, 15 Dec 2022 22:02:03 GMT

We are on "holy ground"

when we are caring for the sick and dying.

PRAYER IS NO EMPTY GESTURE

"God's presence is nowhere more active, unmistakable, or comforting than in the lives of sick and dying patients... I want to lift people's hopes with the certainty that God truly has a plan for all of us and that prayer is no empty gesture but the means by which we communicate with God and understand His plan for our lives."

Dr. Mark Sheehan, a retired cardiologist in metro Denver, wrote those words in his book Healing Prayer on Holy Ground (p. 4).

His words have proved true in my life and ministry. That is one reason I am not only committed to caring for the sick and dying but I am convinced of the value and privelege of praying with those I care for . For much of my ministry, this seemed like the dirty work. Teaching, preaching and leadership development were the desired and esteemed tasks. These tasks do matter, but I have come to feel as if I am on sacred ground when I am caring for the widow, the orphan, the marginalized, the poor, the sick and the dying .

Since it is holy ground, it is a time and place for prayer . We can seek God, listen to God, bring the needs and request to the creator of the universe and the one who became incarnate to be with us. He makes himself approachable. We can respond to that invitation.

We can pray silently for the person we caring for, those surrounding them, and depending on circumstance, the medical staff tending to their clinical needs. We can secretely pray for ourselves that we we will care effectively with listening and compassion.

Many time, perhaps most times, the patient desires for us to pray for them.

It is best to get permission to pray.

I ask in a way that helps me be sure the patient wants me to pray, something like,

"I will say a prayer if you want me to," instead of "would you like me to pray?" There is great benefit, personally and spiritually, for the person or the family to ask for the prayer. Of the many hundreds of clinical, in home and church situations when I have asked that question, less than a handful have not wanted prayer!

Dr. Sheehan goes on to say,

"I believe the room of a dying patient is holy ground in which I should almost remove my shoes.

The conversations,
the anguish,
the confessions,
the tears,
the acceptance,
the peace
and the prayers....

are uniquely memorable and healing. My belief in the power of prayer in particular has been consistently strengthened by what I've seen has truly been a privilege to be a witness and humble practitioner alongside my patients."

But, even though prayer is an amazing gift from God that can be used by a child, it is also a skill that can be sharpened, practiced and developed. It is especially important in a care setting.

Many are uncomfortable praying outloud. Knowing when and how to pray for the sick and dying is especially challenging and rewarding. I hope this post will help you have confidence as you care and pray for people who needs God's care.

A prayer of life to be prayed at the end of life.

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 23:06:00 GMT

How do we pray with a person when they are approaching the

end of their earthly life?

Death is about life--the end of life on earth, recognizing the life that was lived, the impact it made on this world and the beginning of life eternal.

Hospice is about life in all of those ways. The following prayer evolved early in my career as a hospice chaplain.

" Almighty God, Creator of life,
and Lord Jesus Christ, giver of everlasting life through Your sacrificial work on the cross,
and Holy Spirit who lives in us so we can live an abundant life,
we thank You for life and the opportunity to live.

By living we experience love, learn knowledge,
endure suffering, enjoy pleasures, face opportunities, achieve results and make a difference.

Now at this bedside, we thank you for this precious life that mattered,
the life lived,
the life that has come into this world through them,
and the legacy of their life that will never end.

As their earthly life may soon be coming to an end
we receive all of your work for them;
your love and forgiveness,

your grace and mercy available because of your death on the cross.

I ask that you open your arms to receive them into the place you have prepared for them.

That place where there is no more sickness, sorrow, tears, pain, wars, fears, tears or good-byes.
A place where we live with you and are reunited with loved ones.

Please comfort the loved ones surrounding this bed
whose lives are now impacted by loss and grief.
Fill them with hope of everlasting life through Jesus,
in whose name I pray.

-Amen."

Hearing is often the last sense to go before a person passes. Often I have been called very near the end of someone's earthly life, when a conversation was impossible.

Before I pray this prayer over someone who is unresponsive, I always get permission from the family. Then I will say to the patient, often leaning over them, even getting close to their ear, "If you can hear me and you like what I pray, just receive it in your mind and heart. If you don't like it, ignore it and it won't make any difference."

I've had some incredible experiences from praying this prayer.

At least a handful of times the patient has passed within minutes after the prayer. It seemed they were waiting to finish their spiritual work before they could pass into their Maker's presence.

One patient who could not be comforted with medicine or touch went from seeing dark to light after this prayer.

Another time, I was called to a woman's bedside who could not be calmed and would not stop screaming, "OH, GOD!! OH, GOD!!". Her screams were disturbing patients, visitors and staff up and down the hallway. During that prayer, her screams stopped and she became peaceful.

It is the prayer of life, to be prayed at the end of life. Hopefully you will find it useful when you care for people at the end of this earthly life.

A hospice quiz for training your care team

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 22:57:21 GMT

The misunderstanding related to hospice that leads to avoidance of this important subject

Answer the following multiple choice/ TRUE or FALSE questions to the best of your ability

1. Hospice is where you go to die.......... TRUE OR FALSE

2. People always feel worse when they decide it is time for hospice.......... TRUE OF FALSE.

3. There are some very special opportunities for hospice patients including.
a. Time to savor favorite memories.
b. Conversations to bless children and grand children.
c. Family/friend meetings to mend-fences and reconcile broken relationships.
d. Prayer times and pastoral visits to reinforce and/or finish spiritual work.
e. All of the above and more.

4. Hospice is giving up.......... TRUE OF FALSE .

5. There is a team of people to support a patient during the time in hospice. Members of that team are...
a. A doctor.
b. A nurse.
c. A Certified Nursing Assistant
d . A Social Worker (M.S.W.)
e . A Chaplain
f. All of the above.

6. After the patient dies, the hospice provides the following services.
a. Season tickets to the Broncos.
b. Season tickets to the Rockies.
c . Season tickets to the Nuggets
d. Grief support groups and classes to individuals and families.

7. Hospice care can last for weeks, months and sometimes even longer.......... TRUE OF FALSE

Answers.

1. FALSE.

It is true that most hospice patients die. But hospice is where a patient finds care to live the last chapter of their life. This very important season of life, end of life, can be the time that helps the rest of life make sense. Plus, while there is In-Patient hospice care, most of hospice care is in the comfort and familiar surroundings of a persons home, so it is not somewhere-you-go.
2. FALSE.

After patients and families face the reality of a terminal diagnosis, stop the difficult curative treatments and begin comfort-care, often they feel better mentally, emotionally and physically. Unfortunately, the disease process has not stopped, but, if they select hospice in adequate time, they are in a better condition to face their future and maximize the present.
3. E. ALL OF THE ABOVE.

A terminal diagnosis is feared and dreaded by nearly everyone, especially young people. This is understandable and needs to be validated. However, within this traumatic situation there are unique opportunities that come only once in a life time. In the Old Testament of the Holy Scriptures, some of the best reading comes after the patriarchs received a terminal diagnosis: Moses, Joshua, Abraham, David, and more. After the diagnosis, some of life's most important work takes place.
4. FALSE.

Even though a doctor recognizes a condition that is expected to be terminal within an estimated time period of 6 months and that a patient admitted to hospice stops curative treatments, those things do not mean the patient or family gives up. They can continue to pray for healing and hope that miraculously they recover. They continue to love life and people and receive every day as a blessing filled with opportunity and potential. Sometimes patients are discharged from hospice or live much longer than originally anticipated.
5. F, ALL OF THE ABOVE.

The hospice team is specialized in this type of medical practice. They understand the physical and emotional challenges facing the patient and family better than any other discipline and they are eager to support the patient and family. However, they will not insert themselves into the situation to control it, but will be responsive to the patient's and family's needs and requests.
6. D.

I have made many hospice visits where sports games were on the TV and patients, family and friends were excited about it--more than once, Bronco's blankets on the bed. Even though that is true, of course I am inserting a little humor here and you know we don't provide season tickets. However, there are wonderful resources that are available, especially in the area of grief support. It is important to properly grieve so we can live emotionally healthy lives. This helps us personally and honors the memory of the deceased.
7. TRUE.

Too many people avoid hospice because they don't know the many benefits mentioned above nor have we as a faith community or a culture that taught people how to die. Death is viewed as an "interruption of life" or a "dreaded reality" instead of a part of life that can be faced with grace and dignity. People can decide for hospice much earlier than most people do. As long as their disease process continues and there is a decline they remain hospice appropriate and qualify for the hospice benefit in most insurance policies, medicare or medicaid. There have been people who have been hospice patients for a year or more.

I discovered the compassionate world of hospice through a series of ministry changes and opportunities. It was nothing I pursued. If I had not found it, I do not know who would have told me.

So now, I am committed to tell you, my colleague in ministry, something I wish I had understood much earlier in my ministry. Sometime, you will need to know this.

How you care matters and I hope this little quiz helps you care better than ever before and help your train others to care better than every before.

When the angels showed up at hospice...REALLY!!

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 22:54:52 GMT

"I heard them. I HEARD THEM! I heard the angels when they came for him!!!"

The triage nurse called with the message, "We've had a death."

She went on, " Something unusual is happening in the room. When you get to the facility, make sure you go to the nurses station before you go the patient's room."

So, I checked with the nurse. All she said was, " We are not sure if it is real. After your visit, let me know what you think. The husband just died. His wife is with him."

I gently knocked on the door and began to slowly and curiously open it.

"Come in!" , the wife shrieked with immeasurable joy and enthusiasm!

Praise music filled the room. She was playing K-LOVE, a contemporary Christian music radio station.

With a mixture of tears and laughter she said, "I heard them. I HEARD THEM! I heard the angels when they came for him!!!"

It is not uncommon for surviving family members to be imaginative in the shock of their new grief. Often people say wishful things like, "Daddy is with Mother now," or, "I can only imagine what it is like to see Jesus."

But this was different. This woman experienced something profound.

In my earliest experience of being a Chaplain, in the same facility I was visiting a man who was dying of AIDS. He and I met several times. On our first visit he wanted to pray and seek forgiveness for his lascivious lifestyle of drugs and unfaithfulness. He lost his marriage, children, self respect, health and now his earthly life was about to end.

During our second visit he asked me to read him a portion of Scripture on Heaven. That destination was not far ahead for him. He was still fearful of the consequences of his wasted life.

"Let not your heart be troubled," I started. It took me a few minutes to recall this account of how we get to Heaven. "In my father's house are many mansions. If it were not so I would have told you. But I go there to prepare a place for you and if I go I will come again and take you to be with me, so that where I am you will be also." (John 141-4)

Over the years, I quoted those verses hundreds of times to patients and families at end-of-life settings and during funeral services.

On this visit, via this new widow, I got a glimpse of what it is like when someone experiences, even in the smallest fraction, the other side and the reality of that Scripture. It brings unspeakable EXCITEMENT, JOY and HOPE!!!

"We had a horrible marriage full of drugs, cheating and fighting. But he went away to Teen Challenge to get free from the addiction. He came to faith and I did too. Jesus changed our lives. Then this cancer came, but I know there is more, because I heard them."

Most of my hospice and hospital calls have not been other-worldly, like that one was. Each person is unique so each death is individual. But this death gave me an idea of what may be experienced after death.

The nurse, sitting at the desk of the nurses station, looked up at me when I returned after my visit. With a questioning expression, but no words, she asked, "Was it real?"

"Yes, it was real!" I told her with confidence.
I still believe it was real and when, during Christmas celebrations, I sing or hear,

"Hark the Herald Angels Sing," I believe they do. In the darkest, saddest and most difficult times they are doing work we cannot see to help in ways we don't understand.

So when we care, as Care Pastors, Caregivers, and people of faith, we can be reassured that we participate as part of a divine team beyond what we can see.

Your care matters and I hope this amzaing story encourages you and helps you care better than ever before.

Mental/Emotional work impacted by prayer and care

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 22:40:43 GMT

In care ministry we encounter many situations that are

defined as mental and/or emotional illness.

The very challenging situations of mental and emotional health can exhaust the care minister as treatments are complicated and solutions are illusive ! But here is a post that will encourage you!

This is from an actual case where care and prayer , supported by counseling intersected to make a noticeable difference in a family and the life of a struggling teenager.

A mother writes,

" I just wanted to take a minute to write and let you know how things are going.

Our daughter has started to show evidence of being able to ...

Calm herself down without a massive tantrum.
Multiple times in the past two weeks she has shown amazing self-awareness.
Goes to bed early when she realizes she is becoming tired and irritable.
Asks for help with school assignments, before she becomes frustrated and angry.
Apologizes to her sister when she was mean.

Our counseling has already been incredibly helpful! The counselor, gave us a beautiful piece of imagery to use to help her realize that her problems, moods and frustrations do not have to define her, and to remind her that we are all in this together. Over and over, I have been able to simply say, 'Sweetheart, Dad and I will keep on rowing this boat, and if you need to pull your oars in for a bit and just rest, that is okay.'

It has quieted her so many times! And the counselor suggested that we remind her, ' Your problems, moods, anger...these things are not in the boat with us. They are just hard things that we have get through. But they are in the water. They are NOT in the boat.'

The rest of the family is doing well and making progress as well.

Mental health issues are a long, hard road, but we are feeling so hopeful!

Thank you for helping us "row our boat" by praying with us ! "

Learning how to care for people with mental and emotional challenges is ESSENTIAL in today's world!!

Sometimes these situations come from a crisis event, or the suffering from an illness, a death, a job loss or a divorce. All are compounded by mental or emotional illness. But, it is encouraging to realize, care is ALWAYS THE RIGHT THING TO DO and there can be good results--even breakthroughs.

Your CARE matters and I hope this post encourages you and helps you care better than every before.

The Decision-- Part 3 of Cyndi's story

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 22:19:11 GMT

Making the last moments memorable

is a crucial part of care.

After many meetings with doctors, including the vague response by their oncologist, Cyndi could tell that it was time to make decisions that recognized the probability of Paul's passing .

Since their situation was changing almost hourly I visited the hospital nearly every day. This visit in particular, Cyndi and I took the opportunity to leave Paul's hospital room. We found two seats in the corner of Sky Ridge's beautiful 6th floor lobby where we could be away from family and where Cyndi could bare her soul without Paul overhearing.

It wasn't that there were any secrets or suspicious motives, but it is awkward talking about someone's imminent death in front of them .

Cyndi needed a place to be uncertain, vulnerable, and sad without causing Paul any additional burdens of caring for her.
She needed to ask questions about all of the types of care available to them.
As much as he was able, Paul would be part of the decision to go to hospice after Cyndi had the opportunity to sort out all of their options and learn exactly what hospice was.

To best minister to Paul and Cyndi, I needed to follow these basic steps:

1. Remember that they come FIRST .

It is their desire and agenda that matters . I am there to minister to them, not to help them do what I understand is best for them. If I keep them first, they will feel it and will trust me so that when they are ready they will ask for my advice.

2. Be present.

End of life care requires much time, many bedside visits and continuity of care . The medical community usually understands the disease process and can make some amazingly accurate predictions of the transitions the patient will be facing as they approach their death. But, each of these changes are a shock to the patient and the family. Frequent visits provide the opportunity to let the family unpack their new information with you. "What's new today?" , is a question you can ask. If they don't want to tell you, keep the visit brief. If they need to share their burden, they will invite you into that sacred time with them.

3. Have resources at your finger tips.

Many hospices have apps. All of them have phone numbers with extentions or direct access to admissions. Be ready with those numbers from hospices near you. You can call and ask questions on the appropriateness of hospice, care for the patient, whether home or inpatient hospice would be appropriate and the next steps in the admission process.

Relief is the common expression when the family moves to hospice both for the patient and the family. The new team that surrounds them are expert in the physical/emotional needs that come with end of life care so the family can adjust to this "new normal" and make the most of every precious day with their loved one. The patient gets the opportunity to feel in control, even within the context off their own death, bringing dignity, peace of mind as they enter a new setting where they can focus on loved ones and, perhaps, mend fences, establish their legacy and complete spiritual work.

Making the last moments memorable with their loved one is a crucial part of care.

Putting them first,
Being present as you listen to the "brain-dump" of emotion that can flood the mind,
Relaying the right resources that can help them navigate the "new normal" .

It truly is a sacred space, and to be invited into it, is a special honor for a care minister.

How you care matters! I hope this post will help you care better than ever before, especially in an end-of-life situation.

A profound hospice visit. I hope you can see it through this story.

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Sat, 03 Dec 2022 18:08:36 GMT

In care ministry,

we all have this type of visit sooner or later.

I am rooting for you to have a visit like this one.

He came home from the hospital to his favorite setting .

Unless there is a miracle he is not going to get better.

Hospice came in and set up the bed in the family room. It faces the television and is surrounded by pictures of his fishing expeditions along with a few very large trout, mounted to show off his trophy catches. Now they serve as reminders of happy days on the river with family and friends. I got a guided tour, via pictures, of a life time of Colorado blue ribbon fishing outings.

The agent-orange cancer had not diminished his love for his family. They surrounded his bed. The sons, each with his wife were on both sides of his bed. His beloved wife stood near his head and I was at the foot of the bed. Two young grandchildren sat on their parents laps.

We received Holy Communion together , celebrating Christ's work on the cross making the hope of everlasting life possible. I was honored to serve it.

I asked, "Does anyone have something to say?"

"I do," said the Dad. His voice was weak but his intentions were clear. "I love you all." Then he addressed each one individually, the sons and the daughters in law and his wife. He said how each one made him proud and how he cared for each in a special way.

One daughter-in-law he singled out. "You are my daughter." She didn't have a dad to walk her down the isle. There were family issues for her so the young couple almost eloped. But the father of the groom also became the father of the bride . I have the feeling he paid for the wedding too, but I'm not sure, but the tears in the room revealed love that was established by this life changing action. This scene articulated love so clearly that all questions were removed and his legacy was firmly established.

"Who is coming from hospice tomorrow," he asked.

"Nobody comes tomorrow," his wife answered. "The nurse comes on Tuesday and the CNA on Wednesday."

"You two will be together tomorrow. You get to love on your wife," I said, trying to be funny.

"I love on her every day." His reply was so quick and natural I knew it was true.

Savoring memories, blessing the family with words of love and affirmation and completing spiritual work and/or celebrating faith are possible in the setting set by hospice .

A noble legacy was sealed around that hospice bed. Everyone will grieve healthier and remember with greater fondness.

On my way out we had the opportunity to discuss the service and keep everyone's mind at ease.

When hospice is present the family can focus on each other. In his favorite setting I got to make my favorite type of visit. More was accomplished than could be measured.

I hope you get to make this type of visit and I hope this story and others shared on this website help you care better than ever.

Hospice is not giving up. Hospice is about living.

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Sat, 03 Dec 2022 17:55:12 GMT

Patients and families often have the mistaken feeling that

they have given up when they choose hospice care.

Hospice is about living .

The decision to sign a Do Not Resuscitate form is very difficult.

Stopping curative treatment might feel like one is quitting .

The attending doctor may explain what hospices is clinically. Or, it may be a case manager, a hospice admissions nurse or perhaps a chaplain doing Part A of the admisions process. But, the time comes when the decision needs to be made to cease currative treatment and agree to not be resucitated when the heart beats is final beat. This confrontation with reality is very sobering and is finalized by signing the forms.

I've often been with families at that time. Sometimes it is more difficult that the death itself.

For many, the barrier to that decision is the feeling that choosing hospice and accepting death is quitting . If that were true, the feeling of guilt is an added burden to the sadness of grief.

When you are caring for someone and your are present when they are confronted with these decisions it will be helpful fo you to tell them, choosing hospice does NOT mean one quits hoping, praying, caring and loving .

It DOES mean that they are choosing to manage their symptoms and receive comfort care so they can live, what may be the last chapter of their life, in the best way possible .

Incredible opportunities for expressing and receiving love, giving and asking for forgiveness, speaking blessing, savoring important memories, establishing their legacy and turning ones attention to the hope they have in the Eternal often exists once one chooses hospice care.

As a care minister, you will be confronted by people who are ready to die but are conflicted with their feelings and the choices they have . They might be looking to you for affirmation that hospice care is the right choice.

You can tell them, "Hospice is about living the last chapter of life to the fullest."

When your care for people takes you to this difficult situation I hope these posts on hospice help you care for people better than every before.

Cyndi and Paul choose hospice. Part 2.

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Sat, 03 Dec 2022 17:19:12 GMT

"What about hospice?"

A frightening question.

"Hospice, I thought, is where you go to die.

I didn't want to even talk about that."

Cyndi's story of grief turns into a story of care when as she discovers the level of care, comfort, and love experienced in hospice care .

"Paul’s colon cancer came back after 1 ½ years of remission. Our lives were turned upside down again with chemo and treatment.

I could tell that it was serious and everyone knows cancer is dangerous but we were still hoping for good results. The avalanche of doctors and treatments was overwhelming. We were constantly confronted with decisions to make about subjects that were foreign to us.

I remember driving home one night from church and I told my sister-in-law, I felt like I had another person dying on my watch and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. While all of this was going on I kept thinking, 'This can't be happening. This isn't real. I've lost my son and my sister. Will my husband leave me too?' I thought that the next round of chemo or surgery might work and the nightmare would be over. Paul was strong, resilient, entrepreneurial and purposeful. He was too full of life to die and had so many plans ahead to please God and help others.

Paul went in for a simple procedure. The next thing we knew, we were in ICU. The thought of preparing for death didn't make any sense even though all the signs were there. The first time I heard the word 'palliative care' was soon after I met Chaplain Dan in ICU. Hospice I thought is where you go to die, so I didn't want to even talk about that. I wasn’t ready for that. It took about a week for my mind to wrap around the idea of hospice .

Good days were confusing. Was Paul getting better or was God just giving him a few hours or a day of relief from his miserable symptoms?

Reality challenged any false optimism so finally, the oncologist on duty suggested "palliative care”. I looked at Paul and back at the oncologist in disbelief as Paul was in terrible pain and couldn’t even get out of bed..

A few days later when we chose hospice and left the hospital setting, Paul only lived four more days. God helped us and He made those times redemptive but If we had chosen hospice two weeks or even one or two months earlier, the precious family times would have been even better. "

I know now that Hospice, whether at home or inpatient, is a more comfortable and quieter place for family and patient to spend precious time together. The time can be 6 months, a few weeks, a few days. Patients can and do come back from Hospice and recover. It is not a place of death, but a place of comfort and love, where the legacy of the loved one is felt, heard, and shared."

In the hospital context and when people are going through an experience for the first time, they do the best they can under the circumstances. How can we help them so they get the most out of their final days?

In part three of Cyndi's story we will continue to looks for answers.

This is difficult work but what you do matters . Cyndi and I hope that her story delivered in this post help you care better than ever.

Cyndi's hospice story . Part 1.

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Sat, 03 Dec 2022 16:54:12 GMT

Learning about hospice and how to

help others decide about hospice.

Ninety percent of people die from a diagnosed and extended illness.

Effectively caring for them requires an accurate understanding of hospice care and how to help people make the decision to use hospice,

Even though it seems hospice is needed, a Care Pastor or Care Giver, should not tell people what to do.

Here are four reasons why.

Care involves helping them discover what they want and need to do.
People may misinterpret what we are suggesting.
We might be mistaken.
They could blame you if things don't work our and/or if expectations are dissappointing.

But, when I saw Paul in ICU I wanted to tell Cyndi, his wife, that hospice would probably be a better place for him.

The ICU room was clinical with pumps....tubes.... alarms.... and a steady parade of phlebotomist, CNAs, nurses and a variety of doctors trying one more treatment, or surgery to address the cancer that had recurred and spread to new parts of his body.

It is so overwhelming and impersonal!!

Each of the new MRIs, tests and surgeries filled his days with unpleasant activity and required hours away from family members who found his bed empty when they came to visit. Going to the tests were painful enough and recovery was required when he returned.

Paul, Cyndi and the family would have preferred a different setting if they had been sure how few his remaining days were on this earth.

It is a hard decision because only God knows exactly when .

From my experience as a hospice chaplain, I knew there was a better situation for the end-of-life. Hospice provides comfort care in a peaceful, less interrupted environment that often is in the home or at least a more home like environment. Friends and family can come and go much more easily and the patient is more comfortable in familiar surroundings.

From this better situation, hospice care offers the opportunity for these five benefits that are valuable beyond measure.

Valuable time is available for precious and intentional moments to be made.
Favorite mementos can be savored such as cards, pictures, and objects that speak a thousand words.
Blessings, wishes and love can be expressed.
Apologies can be given and received.
Regrets can be resolved.

The passing from this life to the next can be dignified,

peaceful and maybe even glorious.

A terminal diagnosis took Paul and Cyndi where they did not want to go. Death had taken, way too early, a son and a sister from Cyndi and she did not want Paul to leave this life so soon. His creativity and talents for writing and producing new projects made him want to keep living. His life had purpose and there was so much more to do.

So, how could I help this family discover what would probably be best for them? Walking with grieving people when the condition becomes terminal is a tricky thing. In part 2, we will look through the lens of Cyndi's eyes .

Then in Part 3 we will look at what we as care ministers can do to help people navigate and care through difficult journeys at the end of life.

This is sacred work. What you do matters.

I hope this series of posts will help you care for people better than ever, especially in dramatic end of life situations.

The benefits of Thankfulness for self, the grieving and the nation especially in hard times..

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Wed, 23 Nov 2022 13:54:11 GMT

Thanksgiving can be inspiring and challenging

even if there is no feast--5 kernels of corn.

Thanksgiving of 1622, the Pilgrims third November (second year) in their new land took place in desperate circumstances . Failed crops, unexpected new settlers and debt to those who brought them here in November 1620, left them near starvation.

"At one point, a daily ration of food for a Pilgrim was 5 kernels of corn. With a simple faith that God would sustain them, no matter what, they pulled through. History records that not a single one of them died from starvation that winter. Not a one!" And they gave thanks !

At the same time, in care ministry, we know that mistaken efforts or directions to give thanks can can cause damage. B y wrongly saying things like, "We are thankful their suffering is over," or "You can be thankful for the time you had with them" are mistaken uses of thankfulness . S uch insensitive statements have often been spoken with good intentions but poor judgment.

Yet even within the most painful circumstances, a skilled and careful use of thankfulness can be a healthy moment of relief, happiness or comfort.

FOR SELF CARE AS YOU ARE CONTINUALLY CARING FOR PEOPLE IN DESPERATE CIRCUMSTANCES

As care givers part of our self care is to cultivate an attitude and expression of thankfulness even when we see suffering, grief, sickness, poverty, addiction and many other needs every week . We can be...

Thankful for the sacred honor of being present with people in their times of need.
Thankful for the pain of grief that reveals love, relationship and the value of loved ones lost.
Thankful for outrage because a nation still cares when tragedies harm the innocent.
Thankful for the compassion of professionals, first responders, volunteers, friends, neighbors, brothers and sisters in the faith who run toward the pain to assist and/or be present with those suffering.
Thankful for a faith in a Suffering Savior because in the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "Only a suffering God can help."

FOR THOSE IN ACUTE GRIEF
I cared for a family as they were in the shock of the premature loss of their wife and mother. They expressed appreciation to me for my presence in that time. There gratitude was greater than I expected or deserved or even wanted. It would have been understandable if they cound not must the energy to be thankful, and I was not there to be appreciated. But it was good that they could because the recognition of any blessing, even that someone cared for them, and expressing thanks was medicine to their soul. Moments of thankfulness to the doctor, nurse or CNA for medical care, the chaplain, pastor or friend for loving support, and for a time to be thankful for the life of the one who died can interrupt episodes of weeping and provide an oasis of relief .

FOR A SAD NATION
As we begin the holiday season, the emotions of our nation are again struggling to find comfort because of a recent shooting and stabbinG. In the delicate balance of recognizing and allowing for the anger and grief and avoiding the unwise expressions of thanks, a healthy expression of thankfulness, even if just for a moment, can be a recess from the pain of suffering and, hopefully, open the window to God's presence and healing.

Being thankful and helping people express thanks is important.

I am thankful for you and your commitment to care for people and I hope this post will help you to care better than ever .

Be careful when helping the grieving give thanks.

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Mon, 21 Nov 2022 14:00:01 GMT

Thankfulness is essential to a healthy emotional and spiritual life.

but wisdom is required to get it right when you are supporting the grieving.

In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 I

Thanksgiving is a time when the Christian faith with verses like the one above can feel impossible for the grieving peron. Stories of the pilgrims are equally challenging.

So as we express thanks and encourage others to be thankful, we need to be careful when we help the grieving be thankful.

One of the most inspirational accounts of the Pilgrims was their expression of Thanksgiving in 1622 --their third November (second year) in their new land. Failed crops, unexpected new settlers and debt to those who brought them here in November 1620, left them near starvation.

" At one point, a daily ration of food for a Pilgrim was 5 kernels of corn . With a simple faith that God would sustain them, no matter what, they pulled through. History records that not a single one of them died from starvation that winter. Not a one." * And they gave thanks!

The story of the Pilgrims inspires and the instruction to give thank in everything is something we feel like we should do.

But, it is normal and appropriate to struggle to give thanks when grieving .

Allow the grieving not to be thanful. What is missing in thier life is bigger at a time of grief than all the blessings they possess.
Avoid saying thankful clichés that miss the pain of the loss. When we are supporting someone who is in grief we can cause damage if we try and get them to be thankful by wrongly saying things like, "We are thankful their (the deceased) suffering is over," or "You can be thankful for the time you had with them." Such insensitive statements have often been spoken with good intentions but poor judgment and terrible results.

The time will come in a person's grief process when they will be able to give thanks again.

In the stages of grief as taught by John Bowlby, the time will come when the shock and acute emotional pain stages of grief will have passed and, even in loss, the grieving person will be able to experience joy and positive emotions again.

Thankfulness is poweruful.

When the grieving are finally able to give than it will have been worth the wait. The unforced thanfulness that emerges from the darkest time when only what was missing could felt, will be as welcome as the sunrise after a cold, dark night. The ability to see blessing and express thanks, will not take the pain away, but will bring emotions that make life worth living and memories valuable and to be sweetly savored.

Keep thankfulness in view .

It is good to know and appropriate to teach that even when the circumstances are as difficult and inadequate as 5 kernels of corn , thankfulness is possible .

When we set an example of being thankful we help others be thankfu l.

I'm thankful that you are caring for people and I hope during this Thanksgiving you will be able to care better than every before.

*This story is taken from the book, Windows II: Book for Those With a Heart for Helping Kids Heal, by Dr. James Sutton. The original source of the material was Marshall and Manuel’s book, The Light and the Glory (Fleming H. Revell, 1977)

Remembering those who are blue at Christmas

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Wed, 09 Nov 2022 17:06:03 GMT

Reach out to those who are blue at Christmas.

Are you overwhelmed as you care for the grieving during the holidays?

Be encouraged, your efforts are worthwhile. Below are four reasons why and a few good ideas are mixed in with the reasons .

" The Church is made up of men and women who...lovingly pray, 'Now, God, this child of yours is grieving and needs Your help. How can I help?'

I grew up in a church that made up baskets for the needy at the holiday season. Most of the time it was food stuff and perhaps a ham or turkey. We wanted everyone in our community to have a good dinner at least. As part of the 'peace on earth, good will to men,' we would care for those less fortunate. However, to my knowledge we never did anything specifically for the emotionally needy in our church or community. So some had full cupboards and refrigerators, presents around the tree, but empty hearts during the holiday season. We left them to get through the season the best way they could ." A Decembered Grief , Harold Ivan Smith, p. 25

Until the last few years that was true of my ministry, too. But, by becoming more aware of the grieving and knowledgeable of their needs I discovered there is great potential for our ministries when we care for this large population in our community.

First, many of the grieving just need to be noticed.

The grieving often feel alone and like the holidays are no longer for them. Their main need is to be noticed. Acknowledging them and validating their feelings is their greatest need. That can be done with a card, a call, or a visit. If you are delivering meals to the poor, include the grieving in your rounds--not because they need food, they may or may not, but because they need to be noticed. At least check on them.

Second, this is a very large group of people.

Grief is the most common human experience. We all know people who have experienced a profound loss. It is a beautiful expression of celebration when we reach out to them and connect the joy of the holidays with their sadness. It enriches our celebration, and it helps them find fellowship, comfort and healing.

Third, the emotions of the grieving are raw and their responsiveness to ministry, often exceeds those who are busy with traditional hustle and bustle of shopping and decorating .

Through the Care Ministry of my church, we invite the grieving in our church and the community to a Blue Christmas service. It is designed for those who are grieving and provides the opportunity to reach out to those who need something different this year. Inviting them , individually, to the service, whether they come or not, lets them know they have been thought of.

The Blue Christmas Service touches the whole person. There is content to think about. Decorations and Christmas music touch the senses. Recognizing the loss and grief, reaches the deepest emotions . The message of first Christmas comforts the broken heart. That complete service is the right setting for a profound spiritual experience. Many describe, with a relieved countenance, "That was just what I needed."

But, even if a service is not possible or not attended, the intense emotions cause the messages written in the card or expressed in a call or visit to mean more to the person who is overwhelmed with sad emotions.

Fourth, the simplest expressions of care and remembering are enough .
The little things make a big difference. I remember calling a grieving person very close to Christmas. It felt awkward asking how they were doing. Even more, I didn't know what I could do for them, and I was afraid my call might seem disingenuous or trite--something that I was doing out of the obligation just to do something. But I know the worst thing to do is to avoid, forget, or ignore, so I called.

He answered, "Don't do anything. Just pray and remember us as we work our way through it." I did pray and remembered them, and I tried to give them space while not deserting them.

And ministry happened. They felt cared for. God worked. Christmas was celebrated.

The holidays are very difficult for the grieving. It is also extremely challenging for those who care for them. I hope these reasons and ideas help you care better than ever before and that you are encouraged with the truth that your care matters.

The Real Meaning of Blue Christmas

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Wed, 09 Nov 2022 17:03:56 GMT

There's NEVER a good time for suicide,

but December may be the worst.

Before my first Blue Christmas Service, I didn't understand what it really was. Or who it was for. Or if it could help those in deepest pain.

A Blue Christmas service can help people in shock and grief get through the holidays and find some comfort in a service designed especially for them.

THE STORY OF A DECEMBER SUICIDE
Christmas decorations were up. The shopping had already begun when this family was shocked by the suicide of one of the children . Life changed forever for the grieving parents and sibling. Christmas season would now be the anniversary that would trigger heavy emotions and horrible memories.

In profound sadness, they gallantly stumbled, in shock, through the necessary memorial service and the first Christmas. With God's help they managed to put one foot in front of the other as the new year arrived -- back to shopping, preparing meals, work and school. But it was brutal.

They endured a whole year that way , but Christmas was coming again and so was the first anniversary of their horrible loss.

" Will you have a tree this year? " I asked the mother.

Her answer was, " She put up the tree last year. We never took it down. It was a small one, and that is the only one we will have this year. We will be together as a family ."

Even though we were communicating by text..... .I could hear the pain.

I could also hear hope and love in her words, " It is painful. But only because we had the joy of knowing her. Also, of living life closely with her, loving her, and for all those privileges and blessings I am grateful. I feel the pain because of the love ." She continued , " I wouldn't trade it, because carrying the pain now means even greater joy when we see her again ."

A star shone in the black sky to lead the wise men to the manger. There, God came into the darkness of night and into the darkness of a broken world and each life so He could be Emmanuel--God with us (Matthew 1:23). His light brings salvation to our hurting world as each person receives it into their broken and painful life.

My grief mentor, Karen Schoenhals, explained how sorrow and joy can mingle in the theology of Christmas .

"To successfully grieve, not sinking into bitterness and despair, i

s to allow room in our hearts for both joy and sorrow to exist,

to be experienced simultaneously, and to be openly acknowledged together.

And the beauty of Christmas is Emmanuel, God with us,

who lost everything when He came into this dark world to save us --

to walk with us through our dark path of grief and give us joy. "

Perhaps, more than any other Christmas celebration, a Blue Christmas Service takes us to the reality of our need where life is painful, and answers escape us. But mixed with our losses and grief a light the size of a candle glows with the hope of meaning and purpose that is beyond what we can see or understand. It is there, we find our hope, comfort, love and joy through the Christ child.

A Blue Christmas Service is an honest celebration that begins at the place of our grief and need. Who can celebrate a Blue Christmas? All who mourn from a recent loss or a loss from long ago that is felt so much at Christmas. All who feel the sadness from hateful events against humanity. All who feel the pain of any loss. Especially a family who experienced a tragedy near Christmas.

A Blue Christmas Service is also a hopeful celebration that ends with the belief that there is more to life than just what we see or feel. The time will come when we experience the place where everything is made right, and tears are wiped from our eyes, and we enjoy comfort in the presence of the One who was born to be with us.

I hope this post helps to explain what a Blue Christmas Service is and who it is for, emphasize the blessing that within Christmas celebration there is a special message of hope, love, joy and peace for those who are grieving, and support you so the effectiveness of your care will be better than ever.

What to do when hosting a Christmas gathering impacted by grief.

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Wed, 09 Nov 2022 15:50:05 GMT

What should you do when hosting a holiday dinner or event when you or someone attending is grieving a profound loss?

Many magazines give beautiful tips for creating a festive setting for the holiday gathering of friends and family. Recipes, decorations and ideas abound. But, they don't seem to provide the ideas on how to grieve through the holidays. Grief can make these celebrations awkward at Christmas!

The granddaughter who cries because this is the first Christmas without grandpa might be accused of being a drama queen and taking away everyone's joy. "Don't ruin Christmas for the rest of us!"

"I just can't feel cheerful. I miss her so much and she made Christmas so special," says the husband who lost his wife a few months earlier.

It is not right to avoid mentioning the one who is not there this year. Then how do we recognize what makes us so sad when we are trying to be cheerful?

Here are three ideas and four resources/books to help the perfect host know what to do .

1. MAKE A NEW TRADITION.

Actually, there are SIXTEEN ideas for new traditions in this wonderful article on the What's Your Grief? website. Click HERE to read it. Ideas including food, music, tablecloths, candles and a lot more can provide an appropriate celebration.

2. EXPECT PEOPLE TO RESPOND DIFFERENTLY .

Be careful not to try to produce nor expect the same reaction from everyone . Whatever you do, people will respond differently, and that is appropriate. Following are two quotes that support this truth. The host may add the books that the quotes come from to their library of cookbooks, to be fully prepared for the nuances of a holiday celebration.

"Keep in mind there has never been a loss precisely like yours." (James E. Miller in How Will I Get Through The Holidays, p. 7).

"One expression of hospitality you can give others this holiday season is the gift of recognizing that grief has many formats and forms of expression." Harold Ivan Smith in A Decembered Grief , p. 23 His book is filled with great ideas.

3. FOCUS YOUR HOSPITALITY ON THEM .

Sure, you want to put your "best-foot-forward" and you hope people will enjoy themselves and want to come back to your house. But, when your energy goes into how they feel more than is-everything-perfect, it probably will be perfect.

Pray this prayer from Wendy Beckett's book, ' A Child's Book of Prayer in Art. (p. 29). "Please give me a loving heart that tries to understand how other people feel."

This year the holidays will be different. Accepting that and giving everyone the opportunity to express their feelings in their way will help the gathering be meaningful and wonderful, even if the view of the decorations is blurred by tears.

I hope this helps you or the person you are helping, have an amazing holiday season and care better than ever before. Because your care matters!

The Gift of Forgiveness at Blue Christmas from a resource you should have: A Decembered Grief

dan@bestcareministry.com (Dan Hettinger) — Fri, 04 Nov 2022 14:58:35 GMT

In the book, A Decembered Grief , (p.54-55) Harold Ivan Smith offers the surprising gift of forgiveness to a person grieving at Christmas.

"There was a woman who practiced 'forgiveness praying.' Each day she would specifically forgive someone--until she ran out of people to forgive. Moreover, she was to follow up her prayer by doing a practical act to show that her forgiveness was real--such as writing a letter, making a phone call, offering a gift, trying to restore a broken relationship.

Some people cannot get to the work of grief because they are so busy reciting and rehashing the injustices, slights and failures of people, some of which are unforgivable if not unforgettable.

Sometimes the griever must make the first move in restoring the injury.

Consider giving generous gifts of forgiveness--to yourself for not visiting the nursing home more often, for being too sharp in criticizing other family members who you believe failed to pull their weight. Forgive those who offer faux pas' statements that hurt more than soothe. Forgive your loved one for not taking the doctor's advice.

Forgive God for 'taking' your loved one."

If you are having a hard time finding the words to pray a forgiving prayer, perhaps the following prayer, also found in A Decembered Grief , may help.

'Lord Jesus Christ, I ask today for Your help that I may
forgive everyone in my life who has hurt me.

I hope this surprising gift will be a great addition to your skills and resources of caring for others so you will care better than ever before. Your care matters .

Care Ministry Should be Fun, Sometimes

Tue, 24 May 2022 15:44:18 GMT

The Cycle Of Life--The Cycle Of Care

Thu, 14 Apr 2022 14:16:14 GMT

That is my granddaughter in the picture! Isn't she beautiful?

My wife and I saw her for the first time while we were travelling last week. It was love at first sight, and we did not just love the idea of having a granddaughter. We loved the granddaughter we had--little Maddy!

After visiting our daughter and her growing family we took the next leg of our 3000+ mile road trip to visit my wife's elderly father. He will soon be 90.

That is when it dawned on me in a new way. We come into this life needing care and in the final chapter of life, we need care again.

Both the young and the old have value for who they are, not what they do. Caring for them helps them feel the love they need and, even though it can be exhausting (3:00 am feedings for example), it helps us feel the purpose we desire.

Caring for someone is love in action.

Between the bookends of life there are countless and diverse opportunities to care for people. Often, it is the care given and received, that defines the quality of life, even more than the comfort, pain or pleasure that comes from an event we experience.

In an unexpected and unplanned conversation, I sat with my wife, her siblings and her dad. The topic turned to the one missing--their Mom, his wife--and the trauma of her death thirty-four years earlier.

Remaining a family member, not defaulting to my familiar role of a care pastor or chaplain, I did remember the key ingredients of care ministry. Being present with this precious family that has never been the same since the matriarch died of cancer at age 52, I asked them about her and how they grieved her death and their loss. Then I listened, and they listened to each other, as they shared their stories of grief and grieving.

"Grief was hot as lava, cold as ice, thick as mortar and thin as vellum; it was everything and nothing. It choked me and brought my life to its knees." (From the novel, Surviving Savannah by Patti Callahan) My wife shared these words from the book she was reading to describe the crushing weight of grief on the survivors or her mother's untimely death.

A couple of days after the family time, my wife and I visited her mother's grave and placed flowers on it.
More than ever before I felt the wounds her family had experienced and continues to feel.

She appreciated my expression of care. So did they.

The days we visited were also accompanied by laughter, great food and too much dessert. We all felt that it was a special time together, valuable beyond measure. Maybe the best time we ever had. Certainly the most meaningful.

We planned it as a road trip to be together and see loved ones. We were blessed with much more!

When we express care for others, through action and words, love is experienced and life becomes more of what God intended it to be.

When you care for people, set the example of care, train people and build a ministry that cares; what you are doing matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan

Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Knowing our place in the worst of Circumstances

Sat, 02 Apr 2022 17:27:40 GMT

Dear Colleague,

At Egelston Children's Hospital in Atlanta, I made the most difficult hospital visit of my ministry.

As I checked in at the nurses station, the nurse asked, "After you are done visiting your patient (a teenage girl suffering with anorexia nervosa) would you look in on the family with the baby who had a strange blood disorder? All of his limbs were amputated."

The grandmother was sitting beside the wagon the little one year old guy was in. All four limbs were bandaged where the amputations occurred. The grandmother looked at me, with an anguished, questioning look that I will never forget.

That visit was almost thirty years ago. Why did I wake today with that memory?

Was it in answer to the prayer of Thomas a Kempis that I have been praying? "Grant me, O Lord, to know what I ought to know, to love what I ought to love, to praise what delights You most, to value what is precious in Your sight, to hate what is offensive to You.” Amen.

Certainly, this memory would be in answer to "hate what is offensive to you." My one time visit to that infant and grandmother was brief, but the family's trauma was for the rest of their lives. How did they navigate the traumatic storm and how did the innocent child grow and learn to live in a world that is difficult for people with four limbs?

Did they have questions like Ann Voskamp's dad did when her little sister was killed? (Click HERE for Ann's website and information on her book One Thousand Gifts.)

"I was done with all of that (church, faith, God)… And, if there really is anybody up there, they sure were asleep at the wheel that day... Why let a beautiful little girl die such a senseless, needless death? And she didn't just die. She was killed." (One Thousand Gifts, Voskamp, p. 13)

Maybe reading that book had something to do with stirring up the hospital memory--along with my continual wrestling with what it means to be a care pastor and walk with people whose lives will never be the same again.

I've also been reading Psalm 136 almost every day and wondering what it really means, "Give thanks to the God of gods, His love endures forever."

It is NOT our purpose, as Care Pastors, to draw attention to ourselves or our church and be with them so we feel more important or valuable in the lives of suffering people.

Nor are we there to help them feel better or even help them feel cared for, until they feel better. Feeling better, might never come, when or in the way we wish it would.

We are there to walk with them so, in the safety of a caring relationship, they can express their anguish for as long as they need to, knowing they are being heard, and without judgment or impatience.

Then, a miraculous healing can begin to take place, one breath and one moment at a time. Like a soft candle bringing a gentle light to darkness, a glimmer of love flickers. It is slow. It might take a whole life time and may never be complete until it is experienced in Heaven.

Remembering our place in such a dark circumstance is a challenge and a relief. We are an instrument God uses to do His work and bring His healing. "We are the care giver, God is the cure giver," we are taught in Stephen Ministry. Honored to be present, our work matters. But it is God working through us that does the healing. We wait with the grieving Dad and the suffering grandmother, for God to do his work in hope that someday, they can say, even from an aching soul, "Thanks to the God of gods, His love endures forever."

It is a great and beautiful mystery that God calls us to care so people in need feel His care. May he give us strength to keep caring, until His care breaks through in the life of the suffering.

Your care matters!

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

"The purpose of The Best Care Ministry Network is to share ideas and resources with care ministries throughout the faith community and bring together leaders in Care Ministry to establish best practices of Care Ministry so that we build a culture that cares, for the good of people and the glory of God."

Another event in the ongoing cancer journey.

Sat, 26 Mar 2022 19:39:18 GMT

Another event in the ongoing cancer journey.

Dear Colleague,

Spring is warming trends, new growth, showers and, for me, remembering surgery and getting ready for more scans.

As I write to you today, I'm thankful to be sitting at my desk in my study and looking out the picture window at a very wet spring. This week last year, I was lying here in a hospital bed, in the early stages of recovery from my bone cancer surgery.

Today, I believe I am cancer free.

But I feel the "scan-xiety" building as I prepare for my next set of scans in a little over a month. This will be the third set. These are six months after the last ones and around a year after the surgery. An MRI of the chest and pelvic area will be performed, because, as the doctor says, "That's the nature of cancer. You never know when microscopic cells are going to become active."

While I do not expect to have a recurrence, and I certainly do not want more cancer, I find myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually preparing for what I will do if the doctor says, "I see something."

While a recurrence may be worse, having cancer is not new. I am an experienced cancer patient who has travelled through a diagnosis, surgery and recovery.

That journey produced victories beyond anything I expected. The victories found me as I was travelling new territory. I was not looking for them, nor did I produce them. They were surprising gifts from God, given through His people and, other times, directly from Him to me through dreams, revelation, Scripture and the assurance of prayers being heard. So, if I am required to experience another event in this ongoing cancer journey, I know God will be there and, whatever the outcome, He will produce new victories, help me, and/or send help so I can get to the next place or the ultimate destination.

Earlier today, I was talking with my friend who lost his wife last year. I referred to her passing in a previous email about "Tenderness." He replied to a text I sent him, "I'm not who I was and not who I will be."

When we talked a short while after the text, he did not say, "It wasn't suffering," but he did quote the Apostle Paul by saying, "I rejoice in my suffering because I know that suffering produced perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

And then he added, "I think I am getting somewhere. I'm closer to hope."

I hope I am too.

Cancer is more than a clinical journey from diagnosis to treatment, treatment to surgery, surgery to therapy, therapy to recovery, all on the road of one appointment to the next, over and over again.

It is a personal journey of the spirit, soul, mind and body that is shared by our God, family and friends. Everyone is involved and probably changed, at least a little, hopefully for the better.

In caring for a cancer patient, they probably want much of what I look for in support on my journey: presence, listening and empathy.

Your care will empower those impacted by cancer to keep moving forward.

Your care matters!

"The purpose of The Best Care Ministry Network is to share ideas and resources with care ministries throughout the faith community and bring together leaders in Care Ministry to establish best practices of Care Ministry so that we build a culture that cares, for the good of people and the glory of God."

The Personal and Private Trauma of Miscarriage

Sat, 19 Mar 2022 17:36:40 GMT

In our world, troubled with war that deserves the headlines, personal and private traumas also continue, often silently and privately.

Maybe you will be called on to care for a shocked and confused young couple, grief-stricken by miscarriage.

This week, Susan, my wife, and I were remembering, in emotional detail, her miscarriage experienced almost forty years ago. As a young couple who didn't know how to feel or what to do, we faced the urgent medical needs, comforted each other privately, and immediately moved ahead with life's demands. Susan's grief lasted longer than my comfort, I am sorry to say.

I wish I had known then what I learned many years later as a Chaplain at a medical center.

When we Chaplains were called to a woman or couple experiencing a "fetal demise," due to the good work of our Pastoral Care director, we had a prepared ceremony to offer. If the parents wanted they could name the baby, but most importantly, a simple ceremony added the emotional and spiritual dimension to the medical care.

Susan and I only had medical care. Emotional and spiritual work was up to us.

The Naming Ceremony that the Chaplains used was a great comfort at the time of disappointment and sadness and it established memories that would last for a life time.

One young couple I visited in the early morning hours was heartbroken to discover, during one of their prenatal doctor appointments, that there was no heart beat. After introducing the Naming Ceremony, the mother quickly replied that she wanted to name the little girl that was not born alive.

Following is much of that ceremony.

It begins with a prayer.

"'Lord, God, we are gathered to share our faith. Right now, the mystery of life and death is overwhelming. Help these young parents to believe and trust in your goodness and wisdom, at a time when human understanding falls short. Amen.".

'The word of the Lord came to Jeremiah, saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you...' We name this child today so that we may remember her coming among us and we ask God to bless our remembering."

To the parents, 'What will you name this child?'

They reply, 'We name her _________________.'

Then I declare, "O child whom we have known for such a short time (or barely got to know), we call you _____________. Receive this name as a sign of your uniqueness to us and before God. By this name you will be remembered.'"

The program can be printed and saved to memorialize this day.

There are also resources available to meet this special ongoing grief. Here are two. Contact me if you need more or to find one in your area.

Mothers In Sympathy and Support (MISS) Foundation: missfoundation.org
Colorado Pregnancy and Newborn Loss: ColoradoPregnancyLoss.org

Grief is the most common human experience, and special attention is required when it relates to infants and children, When you help a couple who has experienced a miscarriage, your ministry will be valuable beyond measure.

Your care matters!

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Caring That Empowers The Caregiver -- "Boots-On-The-Ground" In Ukraine

Sat, 12 Mar 2022 18:43:38 GMT

"We might ask, however, whether mass communication directed to millions of people who experience themselves as small, insignificant, powerless individuals does not in fact do more harm than good..." (Compassion, A Reflection on the Christian Life, Nouwen, McNeill and Morrison, p.51.)

The main problem is not that we know more, nor even that there are more crises that disturb our senses, even though that is tragic. Our main problem is that we feel less and less significant and unable to do anything about it--or not much.

Everyone needs to do something. I'm thankful for the Red Cross, Samaritan's Purse, Tunnel to Towers Foundation and other opportunities to get involved and send help.

The agency that I choose to support is Tavriski Christian Institute (TCI). I feel informed by people who are involved, connected to the pain, involved and focused with my prayers and giving, and maybe somehow, someday, even my service.

TCI was based in Kherson, a city in southern Ukraine. The students and staff evacuated as the Russian soldiers occupied their city and campus. The soldiers moved into the dormitories and are now using them for their own housing. The TCI staff, now scattered throughout Ukraine and Europe continues to do the work of ministry.

I am proud to report that my church in Highlands Ranch, CO, Mountainview Christian Church, is the worldwide headquarters for financial donations to TCI. ( Click here to donate . Follow the designation drop-down-box to Missions, TCI, Ukraine). The church is also working to give updates. Click here for a recent Zoom meeting from boots-on-the-ground in Ukraine and hear about God's protection from bullets and bombs, delivery of food and rescue of people including 57 children by our brother's and sisters in Christ--from the real people (not a TV network). Click here for a YouTube video .

This ministry is working to provide food for hundreds of people in church basements and other places of shelter.

Valentin Siniy, president of TCI and host of the Zoom meeting (there is an interpreter), via the following email, reports on current needs and requests for help.

I think through our updates you have a pretty good understanding of our current situation. TCI is now working with 20 organizations and groups in Ukraine, trying to coordinate help to them.

However, we see a big problem approaching our region and we want to raise the awareness of our partners about it.

We see that a major hunger problem is approaching the South of Ukraine. While most of the help goes to the North of the country, we are seriously concerned about the occupied South. We want to send a couple of big trucks of food, as soon as the window of opportunity opens for Kherson and the region. We want all food to be ready and loaded to heat the road immediately.

In order to have this food ready we need to raise the funds quickly and find ways of delivering this food. Please keep praying for us and the ministry we do in the name of Jesus Christ to our fellow Christians and our neighbors who are suffering from the war and do not have basic means to survive.

Valentin Siniy
President of TCI

Nouwen, McNeill and Morrison, in Compassion go on to teach, "When there is no community that can mediate between world needs and personal responses, the burden of the world can only be a crushing burden. When the pains of the world are presented to people who are already overwhelmed by the problems in their small circle of family or fiends, how can we hope for a creative response? What we can expect is the opposite of compassion: numbness and anger." (Ibid.)

When you care for individuals in your ministry and when you help people care for others, you build a community of care. Your work helps the care receiver, the care giver, our churches and our community, by empowering people to make a difference.

People are spiritually, emotionally and mentally healthier when they are caring for others.

Your care matters!

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Honoring A CNA For Black History Month

Sat, 05 Mar 2022 18:50:45 GMT

Helen's care for people exceeded all expectations.

We worked together during the night shift at our hospice. For some reason, from 1-3 am seemed to be prime time for people to pass from this life into the next. Our roles were different but we often worked together during those difficult hours.

Our hospice set the bar on providing dignity to those at the end of life and following their passing. We did not use body bags or toe tags. Their ride to the mortuary was an honored escort in the transport vehicle--they were the only patient. The face of the deceased was not covered until they were ready to enter the transport vehicle. It was my job to oversee this process.

The CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) would prepare the body to be transported. After the passing, usually the family would step out of the room to give the CNA room to work. Fresh bedding would often be put on the bed. The body would be bathed and then dressed in fresh bed clothes (occasionally street clothes) and tucked into a clean and orderly bed. With the head resting on a pillow and the hands folded over the patient, a small bouquet of flowers would be placed in their hands.

All of our CNAs showed compassion to our patients and treated them with dignity, but Helen excelled above all.

The family of the deceased said their farewell and committed this patient to our care. With the outside world asleep and no one watching, Helen worked in the early morning hours with the difficult and dramatic task of tending to a dead body. She did not know I saw her.

I watched as Helen applied skin cream, gently and thoroughly, as we might to our own bodies after we take a hot bath or shower.

Her work was angelic. Often I called her an angel as I raved about her work and the love that flowed from her hands as she cared for patients.

Helen is a black woman. I don't know how that affects the way she works but I do know that no one else could do her job any better than she did. Her motive was to treat each patient with dignity but her actions were a tribute to hospice care, CNAs and her race.

I've worked with many Black medical professionals including doctors, nurses, therapists, in home caregivers and CNAs, who deserve recognition for their work, especially during Black History Month

Last week, at the end of February, I was going to use this story in the weekly Care Ministry Idea email. But, writing about prayer for Ukraine was an urgent need.

So, five days late, this story still needs to be told to honor Helen and other black medical professionals who serve with skill and compassion.

Take a moment to appreciate CNAs and black medical professionals that serve those in your care.

When you care for people who care for people, your care matters.

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Pray For Ukraine

Sat, 26 Feb 2022 19:12:57 GMT

"Do you feel the world is broken?
'We do.'
Do you feel the shadows deepen?
'We do.'
But do you know that all the dark won't
stop the light from getting through?
'We do.'
Do you wish that you could see it all made new?
'We do.'
(Verse 1 from the song, "He is Worthy," by Andrew Peterson. You can listen here . There might be a brief add that you can skip.)

We feel the darkness as we see immeasurable loss and suffering violently inflicted on a people. It is hard to imagine how the light can get through.

Those who are in the line of fire ask us to pray. My church has been involved in missions in Ukraine and knows Ukrainians who have lived in Highlands Ranch, but now are back in Ukraine.

From us, they request prayer.

Please join us in praying for Ukraine's dire situation.

"We are safe at the moment, but please pray for my family, but keep our names confidential." So, I will not mention them but the ages range from 4 years to elderly grandparents.
Pray for the Rehab Ministry and safety for those who are still trying to get out.
Pray that the ATM cards and banks will start reopening as there are people without money and the ability to buy food and gas to get out or stay put.
Pray for Ukrainian friends who are in the U.S. and stressed over family and friends still in the Ukraine
PRAY FOR PEACE IN UKRAINE

We join David's prayer in Psalm 140 and insert the people of Ukraine...

"Rescue those suffering from the trauma of war, oh Lord.
Rescue them from evildoers; protect them from the violent
who devise evil plans in their hearts and stir up war every day." Psalm 140:1.

The normal suffering in our world is great and the needs are overwhelming. But, when there is the violence of war, the world seems to be broken beyond repair, the shadows deepen and conditions are ominously dark.

But from the darkness we pray and invite God to shed his light and love into the darkness and do his redemptive work.

When we care and when we pray, especially in the darkness, we join God as he does his work.

Thank you for praying and caring for those around you and for others far away.

Your prayers and your care matters.

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

1 Thing We Gain From A "Sickness And Health" Husband

Sat, 19 Feb 2022 19:23:44 GMT

"I miss her terribly and would do it all over again," the caregiver husband to me.

She was sick for many years.

Rheumatoid Arthritis inflamed her joints and twisted her bones to cripple her with immeasurable and disfiguring pain.

Dementia added to the final years. She forgot who her husband was, even though he was there every day and taking care of her every need.

"I had to toilet her, bathe her and feed her, and that was after I finished my day job. Some nights I'd pull in the garage, turn the car off, close the door, lean my head back, sigh deeply and wonder where I would find the energy to do all the required tasks." The home-care worker was finished for the day and passed off the night duties to the husband.

No family lived nearby. The one son had moved out of town. The other had died from a drug overdose a few years earlier. The demanding lifestyle removed them from socializing so friends were scarce.

He spoke of her with such tenderness, a gentle smile and engaging look of satisfaction. He gave me a picture of her--a youthful, beautiful version that she would have been proud of. That is how he remembered her, long after the diseases changed the external beauty.

THE ONE THING

God uses care to grow love, or God helps love be expressed with care.

Love is patient…
It is not self-seeking...
It always protects…, always perseveres.
Love never fails.”
I Corinthians 13:4-8

Hardly anyone who vows "in sickness and health" knows what they are committing to.

Neither do we understand what it means to accept the call to a ministry to care for people. The constant exposure to trauma, loss, grief and suffering brings us to those deep sighs in the garage, how am I going to do this?

When the demands are overwhelming, the question of "why" is added to "how" and the answer is the same. Because it is right, he/she needs me--because of love. And love comes from God, so we ask God to help us love, or he just gives us that love when we are too tired to ask.

But the time comes when love has prevailed. Care, even though grueling, has been given in love. While the relief has come and is recognized, the soul has expanded because of love and the value of each life is celebrated.

When you care, God is growing love in you and through you.

Let's build a culture of care.

Your care matters!

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger

303.905.0478

Why giving advice is wrong when caring for someone.

Sat, 12 Feb 2022 19:35:48 GMT

After her daughter attempted suicide, a divorced mother of three teenagers found it difficult to receive care that worked.

She reached out from her position of pain, but the type of care she received only made her feel more tired and overwhelmed.

The people she reached out to probably cared, if care means feeling a deep sense of emotion such as sorrow, anger, fear, or worry about this family's future.

But what they did was not helpful. They gave advice.

We’ve got to realize that caring and fixing things are not the same thing. There was not a quick fix for this situation—a verse to memorize, a book to read and prayer to pray or a word to say to her daughter.

Instead, this overwhelmed mother needed somebody to care for her.

Giving advice sets up an accept or reject the advice situation. This can harm the relationship if she does not act on the advice as it was given--perhaps she could not, or she does not understand or she disagrees.

If the advice is wrong, following it will cause even more damage and there will be a whole new set of problems.

Giving advice sets one person as the authority and the hurting person as the weak, perhaps stupid one, who got herself into this problem in the first place. Nobody wants to feel stupid or be condescended to. Making people feel like less of a person is not the way to help them.

Since advice works so poorly, we should be very careful to avoid the advice-giving response, even when we do care emotionally. After she feels that she is cared for the time will come when encouragement, observations and insights can be offered. Maybe the care receiver will even ask for advice

An invitation into a caring RELATIONSHIP, offering presence, listening, empathy and spiritual support is best. It will take time but it is what works.

Your wisdom to care for others through a relationship will produce results and healing beyond measure.

Your care matters!

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger

303.905.0478

What to do when you don't know what to do.

Sat, 05 Feb 2022 19:49:49 GMT

It happens to everybody, including experienced Care Pastors.

You are caring for someone with overwhelming circumstances . Words fail you. The needs are beyond your abilities.

Something needs to be done, but what?

Not knowing what to do was the theme of this week for me.

A man who was in my church described his tongue and throat cancer and the side affects of his treatment. Texts and emails are how we communicate since he can't talk. All nourishment and fluids are given through a feeding tube. How can I help? What is the proper thing to say and what well-intended-stupid-statements do I need to avoid?

When a young friend called me I knew something must be wrong. It was the first time he ever called me.

"Hello! Great to hear from you. Is it good news?"

"Hi Dan. I'm glad to talk to you." Pause. "No, I'm afraid it is not good news."

One of his best friends was devastated at finding his father dead in his apartment. It was a string of losses for this family and he called my friend. Weeping and confused he did not know what to do next.

Nobody is prepared for that call, especially not a young person.

I'm glad he called me. There were a few logistical items that I had helped others with many times--coroner, mortuary selection, finding an officiant and planning a service. It was easy for me to help with those steps. Also, I was honored to coach the young man in the hard task of being present for his grieving friend.

When I was diagnosed my wife joined a Facebook Group for "Wives of Husbands with Cancer."

A member of that group shared this list of ideas. We should never intrude but sometimes we need to take initiative because an overwhelmed person does not know what to ask for. It is a delicate balance.

DON'T BE PARALYZED BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

1. BE PRESENT. That means more than you can measure.

2. LISTEN.

3. ASK FOR ADVICE. Cultivate at least a couple of fiends in Care Ministry--Fellow Care Pastors, Chaplains, Stephen Ministry Leaders...

4. DO SOMETHING after it becomes clear what to do.

5. PRAY Care is God's work. When you are giving care to someone, you are helping God do His work. Prayer helps you do God's work with God, not just for Him.

Being humble enough to know that you don't know everything is the place of wisdom. Caring effectively requires training, experience, advice, mentoring, peer support,, caution, patience and the wisdom to know that you don't know everything.

Thank you for doing the hard work of caring for others.

Your care matters!

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger

303.905.0478

Life Is Messy!!!

Sat, 29 Jan 2022 19:53:47 GMT

Have you ever heard, "A neat desk is the sign of a sick mind"?

If it is true, either I have a sick mind or am I am working on it. My desk, pictured at the right, needs to be neat for me to get anything done. I don't like walking into my study if I have a pile of unfinished work on my desk.

It is not only my desk, but my Full Focus Planner and my devotional life that I try to organize and stay on top of. Especially in this chapter of my life, when I have more control over my schedule, I am looking for the best rhythms of stillness and activity, reading and writing, people and organization, rest and exercise, recreation and work...

But life is more like the desk in the top picture.

Care Ministry is walking with people when life gets messy. Matthew Kelly opens up about the mess his life became after a long string of years being better than the last. A bad year was followed by a worse year. Then it happened again and the wrong direction was established that caused suffering that overwhelmed and confused.

It is good and healthy to have desires, set goals, plan, prioritize and work to make our lives and the world better. But, along the way there is a broad spectrum of adversities, adversaries, mistakes and weaknesses that mess everything up.

Even more troubling are the losses that turn life upside down. The pain raises questions that don't have answers. No one is exempt. Grief is the most common human experience.

If we subscribe to the mistaken notion that it is wrong to have problems, and we try to control everything, then we have two problems. The problem itself and the unrealistic notion that we should not have problems or that we should be able to handle every problem we face.

In Life is Messy , Kelly writes, "Sometimes when your life has been turned upside down, after the dust settles, you discover that your life is finally right side up. Sometimes when you feel lost you are exactly where you need to be at that moment." (p. 26)

This quote is not to be misused like Romans 8:28 often is, by calling the bad good and trying to make something positive out of a negative thing, which results in blame and/or feeling guilty for feeling bad.

Instead, understanding the broken nature of our existence that makes life messy and painful, empowers us to live with healthier expectations and find strength and hope that is real. We can also be honest and cry in anguish, ask questions, even if they have no answers, and grieve.

Kelly goes on to write, "Life is messy, but it isn't just a mess. Life is also wonderful. But this is the perspective that departs us when we are in the thick of the mess. We lose sight of all the good and get consumed by the turmoil we are embroiled in. We are tempted at these times to think that life will never be good again. This is the perspective that steals away our hope. The whole truth is that life is mess, but it is also wonderful and beautiful and awe-inspiring." p.33

The goal of care ministry is not to fix people or make their problems go away. It is to walk with them through the mess until some light comes into their darkness.

I try to keep my desk organized so I can accomplish more in my work. But only a part of life is lived and work is done at my desk. I must leave the orderliness of my desk--and realize that often it is cluttered--and enter into the mess of my life and the lives of others. Care is going to where the pain and the mess is.

It is in the mess that the beauty and awe of God's love and life are most beautiful. When you care for people by walking beside them in their mess, your care helps the messy find beauty.

Your care matters!

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger

303.905.0478

Cancerversary #1

Sat, 22 Jan 2022 19:58:59 GMT

You need to see oncology tomorrow."

The 25th it will be one year since I received that call. I will never forget.

Since then I have

had a huge surgery,
been through six months of in-patient, in-home and out patient therapy,
made a remarkable recovery and
twice, received the "all-clear" after CT scans!

During that time I also lost two friends to cancer: Dan Harder, who helped me launch my podcast (coming soon!) and Richard Powell, a colleague in care ministry.

Cancer changes everything, even when you make a recovery. There is always the chance of recurrence, which is usually more dangerous than the first occurrence and now I know it can happen to me.

I have adjusted to the strange feelings in my hip that, according to my doctor, "Will be permanent reminders of what my body has been through." With much thankfulness I can say, "My schedule and activities have returned to normal."

For too many people a cancer diagnosis is the beginning of a life filled with radical adjustments and panful battles.

The cancer diagnosis is the unwelcome beginning-of-the-end for some.

When one receives the news "you have cancer," it is date that is unforgettable. CAKE (click for more info), the largest end-of-life platform on the internet, founded by MIT and Harvard alumni, introduced me to a good word for that day--CANCERVERSARY.

"A cancerversary is fully personal to anyone with cancer or a deep connection to it. A cancerversary can be any milestone throughout your journey with cancer or the journey of someone you love.

These milestones can be positive, negative, or somewhere in between. With any disease, there are likely high points and low points. But, as you may know, there is beauty, even in the valleys of life.

Some potential cancerversaries include:

The date of a diagnosis
The date of a surgery
The date of the start of a round of treatment
The final day of a round of treatment
The day you or learned you were in remission (or someone you love)
The day someone you love died of cancer

How Do You Celebrate a Cancerversary?

Cancerversaries provide an opportunity to celebrate or take pause, even in the chaos of it all. It’s crucial to take time to enjoy your life — ill or not...

This is a great idea to help you look back on the good memories with loved ones, even if it may be painful at times. Not being able to look back would be more painful, after all. " (From the CAKE website).

Before I learned the word, I could feel the significance of the date stirring in my emotions. Instead of the excitement of a happy holiday, I felt a vague and general sense of anxiety dominating my mood over the last week or two. Feelings of vulnerability and irritability that cancer is now part of my life were mingled with gratitude that I am cancer free today.

My cancerversary is personal. I don't expect others to remember or understand what it means to me--I am still trying to figure out the full impact of my cancerversary.

But, the way that I will celebrate my cancerversary is decided. I will re-read all of the cards that people sent me and review my Facebook and CaringBridge messages. I've organized and saved all of my cards and I'm in the process of sending a "Thanks for Journeying with me" card, with a personal message, to everyone who sent one to me.

This experience awakens in me the reality of the love and help of God and the value and support of friends.

From now on, when I hear people talk about how many years they have been cancer free, or reminisce their day of diagnosis, surgery or chemo/radiation treatments, I will listen more attentively and ask them to describe the moods and details of that defining moment in their life.

By pausing to recognize someone's cancerversary, whether with tears or excitement, you will help them celebrate and feel cared for.

Your care matters!

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger

303.905.0478

Tenderness

Sat, 15 Jan 2022 20:02:39 GMT

"She was tender."

My wife and I were having brunch at one of our favorite Denver-area restaurants with a friend who had recently lost his wife.

They had no children. Family lived far away. It was just the two of them. The loss was beyond description.

We had moved away so we were not present when she passed, so now, back together, he described her final days, his prayers, her decline and the disease process of bacterial pneumonia. Often his chin quivered, his lips trembled and his eyes filled with tears as he told us the story.

In the final moments, as they gathered around the hospital bed at CU Health--Highlands Ranch, he summed up the compassionate care of the Chaplain he greatly appreciated with the words, "She was tender."

He chose the word "tender" very carefully.

It was the type of treatment he needed in his sadness and that he wanted for his wife in her weakness to the point of death. For over four decades they were life long partners. They ran many races and marathons together, including the grueling Pikes Peak marathon--more than once!

Tenderness is God's way of treating us in our most vulnerable sate of need.

In the sacred time of her passing from this life into the next, this strong and devout man and his beloved and dying wife needed tenderness--unhurried presence, gentle touch, peaceful silence, and careful awareness of spiritual and emotional needs in the clinical environment of a hospital.

The ability to express tenderness is intuitive and learned. Tenderness stands out, like light in the darkness of our busy, demanding and impersonal culture. Even with Covid fatigue and staffing issues, this Chaplain rose above the circumstances to express tenderness for a couple who needed and deserved tender care.

Valuing and studying tenderness will enhance the ministry of any Care Pastor or Care Giver.

When you minister care for someone who needs to be treated with tenderness, I pray the Holy Spirit empowers you to operate in tenderness, because your care matters.

Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger

303.905.0478

Caring makes the difference!

Sat, 08 Jan 2022 20:08:36 GMT

I would quickly get overwhelmed when it came to helping people who were in a time of homelessness.

The needs are complex and expensive. The people and the situations are diverse. It is hard to understand how a person got to this point, whose fault it is and if blame even needs to be a consideration.

It is also expensive. While our church is generous as it helps people with financial needs, the cost of getting someone out of their car or off the streets is more than we have to give. Plus, we do not know if our reply to an urgent need is going to be so short term that the need will continue next week.

Thankfully there are organizations like Bridge of Hope (click for more info) who we can partner with. It is one of the ministries I am proud to represent. It was exciting to receive this email last week from them last week.

"With your help, we have ended homelessness for 26 moms and 55 children. This is more families than ever before, and this is only possible because of your support!

Your generosity has allowed us to help families like Courtney's who fled an abusive home life. Courtney and her children were two weeks away from living in their car until friends like you gave to Bridge of Hope. Now they have a home and Courtney paid off the $50,000 in debt that she accumulated while trying to survive on her own. She is a licensed insurance agent and has a bright future."

Overwhelming needs will tempt us to quit caring. But adding our small action and/or donation to the efforts and generosity of others accomplishes much more than the sum of the individual parts. These 26 moms with 55 kids, near my church, avoiding homelessness and building a life with a bright future become examples of care that makes a powerful difference.

What was overwhelming has become exciting.

There are individual acts of caring for people in our ministries and their are large and systemic problems that require many caring people focusing their efforts to solve the problem.

When you care for individuals in your ministry and when you add your acts of care to a larger cause, what you are doing matters.

Care makes the difference. Together we can build a culture that cares.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

How Can We Help Each Other This Year?

Sun, 02 Jan 2022 20:15:10 GMT

Would you like to be a member of a small group of Care Ministry Leaders?

The group I started this year meets once a month for about 90 minutes, via Zoom. We check in to see how each other are doing and discuss our greatest successes and hardest needs.

I take notes because there are a lot of good ideas that we need to remember and share.

There are needs too, that we don't want to forget.

We practice with each other what we do when we care for people in our ministries.

For 90 minutes each member is present in another Care Pastor's life.
We listen and learn the stories of each other--their story that brought them to care ministry and the current story of their ministry.
Everyone is validated in their experiences and pain.
Between meetings we pray for each other.
Refreshment, healing and strength comes, sometimes instantly other times gradually.

Would you like to be in a group like this in 2022, Let's discuss it. Just reply or call me.

It is encouraging to see the outpouring of resources for the displaced families in Boulder County. Probably you and your ministry are giving, hosting, helping, feeding or praying or all of that, or even more.

The needs in our world for care are overwhelming and compassion fatigue is real but everybody wins when we support each other.

Please support one of our colleagues. Richard Powell, the Care Pastor at Colorado Community Church in Aurora, has entered hospice care. The church, his family and he need your prayers and expressions of care.

Let's build groups so we can give care for our colleagues and receive their care, so that we can thrive in our caring and build a culture that cares.

When you care it matters.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

A Weary World Rejoices

Sun, 26 Dec 2021 20:19:35 GMT

As you share the light of God's love through your ministry of care for others, one person and one crisis at a time, I pray that you experience the thrill of hope that comes from Christmas so our weary world will be able to rejoice in the coming New Year.

Our world is weary and God uses your care to make a difference.

Your ministry of care matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

A Gift For The Poor In Spirt At Christmas

Sat, 18 Dec 2021 20:23:13 GMT

"The church is made up of men and women who... lovingly pray 'Now God, this child of Your's is grieving and needs Your help. How can I help?'

I grew up in a church that made up baskets for the needy at the holiday season. Most of the time it was foodstuffs and perhaps a ham or turkey. We wanted everyone in our community to have a good dinner at least. As part of the 'peace on earth, good will to men,' we would care for those less fortunate. However, to my knowledge we never did anything specifically for the emotionally needy in our church or community. So some had full cupboards and refrigerators, presents around the tree, but empty hearts during the holiday season. We left them to get through the season the best way they could...

"A great privilege for us is to intercede for those who carry heavy emotional and spiritual burdens this season." (From A Decembered Grief by Harold Ivan Smith)

So during the festivities allow your sensitivity to find the one with the empty heart. Even a look that says, "I see you, I care," a moment for an extend hand-shake or a hug and certainly a prayer will help to bring the Light of the world in to the dark place of a dear one with an aching heart. Of course delivering a tin of cookies, a meal or a poinsettia, for someone in grief would be a wonderful tradition for any church group, family or person at Christmas time.

What you do matters. I pray God strengthen you and grow your ministry of care so no one has to live alone with an empty heart.

Even the small light of a candle shines bright in the dark, like the birth of the Christ child into a world of darkness.

When we care, and help others care, for people in these ways, it matters.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

When The Angels Showed Up At Hospice--Really!

Sat, 11 Dec 2021 20:26:28 GMT

I was called to our Inpatient Care Center.

"We've had a death," the triage nurse told me. by phone.

She went on, "Something unusual is happening in the room. When you get to the facility, make sure you go to the nurse's station before you go the patient's room. "

So, I checked with the nurse. All she said was, "We are not sure if it is real. After your visit, let me know what you think. The husband just died. His wife is with him."

I gently knocked on the door and began to slowly and curiously open it.

"Come in!", the wife shrieked with immeasurable joy and enthusiasm!

Praise music filled the room. She was playing KLOVE, a contemporary Christian music radio station.

With a mixture of tears and laughter she said, "I heard them. I HEARD THEM! I heard the angels when they came for him!!!"

It is not uncommon for surviving family members to be imaginative in the shock of their new grief. Often people say wishful things like, "Daddy is with Mother now," or, "I can only imagine what it is like to see Jesus." Sometimes expressions are simply wishful. "He's probably having a beer with his buddies, sitting on the hood of his favorite car."

But this was different. This woman experienced something profound.

In my earliest experience of being a Chaplain, in the same facility I was visiting a man who was dying of AIDS. He and I met several times. On our first visit he wanted to pray and seek forgiveness for his lascivious lifestyle of drugs and unfaithfulness. He lost his marriage, children, self respect, health and now his earthly life was about to end.

During our second visit he asked me to read him a portion of Scripture on Heaven. That destination was not far ahead for him. He was still fearful of the consequences of his wasted life.

"Let not your heart be troubled," I started. It took me a few minutes to recall a verse or two on Heaven. "In my father's house are many mansions. If it were not so I would have told you. But I go there to prepare a place for you and if I go I will come again and take you to be with me, so that where I am you will be also." (John 141-4) Over the years, I quoted those verses hundreds of times to patients and families at end-of-life settings and during funeral services.

On this visit, via this new widow, I got a glimpse, even those a very small fraction, of what it is like when someone experiences the other side and the reality of that Scripture. It brings unspeakable excitement, joy and hope.

"We had a horrible marriage full of drugs, cheating and fighting. But he went away to Teen Challenge to get free from the addiction. He came to faith and I did too. Jesus changed our lives. Then this cancer came, but I know there is more, because I heard them."

Most of my hospice and hospital calls have not been other-worldly, like that one was. Each person is unique so each death is individual. But this death gave me an idea of what may be experienced after death.

The nurse, sitting at the desk of the nurses station, looked up at me when I returned after my visit. With a questioning expression, but no words, she asked, "Was it real?"

"Yes, it was real!" I told her with confidence.

I still believe it was real and when, during Christmas celebrations, I sing or hear, "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," I believe they do. In the darkest, saddest and most difficult times they are doing work we cannot see to help in ways we don't understand.

Your care matters, so be assured, as a Care Pastors, Caregiver, and person of faith, be reassured that you participate as part of a divine team beyond what you can see .

I hope this encourages you care better than ever before.

A (Needed) Feel-Good Story And A Feel-Better Event

Sat, 04 Dec 2021 20:32:05 GMT

"He prepares dinner for about 150 people every thanksgiving."

My friend works in technology. A large part of his team are people from India. The "how was your Thanksgiving" conversation took an unexpected turn.

"I did my annual practice of preparing Thanksgiving dinner for people who are lonely, away from home and/or going through a hard time. Like last year, it was harder again this year, since many don't want to assemble. So I visit around, find people who need a Thanksgiving dinner, prepare it and take it to each of them. It takes a few weeks to buy everything and cook the meals."

"Wow, that is terrific. What inspired you to do something so noble and labor intensive?" my friend asked.

"A few years ago when my friends and I moved to the states for business we didn't know anyone. Language was a challenge and our customs and tastes were different than everyone around us. An American Thanksgiving was new to us.

Some friendly people from a local church were sensitive to our situation. They invited us to Thanksgiving dinner and helped us not to feel so alone and like unwanted strangers.

It made such a difference in my life, I am glad to be the one helping others now."

I felt better when I heard this story. I hope you do as you read it.

The news is bad. Feel good stories are necessary.

There have been two school shootings this week. Last week a man drove through a parade killing and injuring people. Our hearts break. The tragedies are overwhelming.

What can we do to change our world?

I wish I could undo the wrongs and take away the pain. I can't but I can care. Sometime that will involve hospitality for a stranger and when we care it will make a difference.

Our care won't make the news like a tragedy does, but it will change lives, quietly, behind the scenes, one person and one situation at a time. We need to encourage one another to keep doing good works and caring for people, all the more as things get really bad. When care becomes as contagious as the Thanksgiving dinner storyE, eventually we will build a culture of care.

This year there are many around us who experienced loss. It may be the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, loss of health or just the loss of normalcy due to another year rocked by Covid.

Especially for people who have experienced loss, Mountainview Christian Church is hosting their annual Blue Christmas Service, December 13 at 6:30 Mountain Time. You can attend in person, invite family, refer friends or watch online as the service will be livestreamed. For more information go to www.mountainviewfamily.org/christmas. It is an event that can help people who are hurting to feel a little better.

When you encounter people in any kind of need and care for them, it matters.

Your care matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

5 Kernels Of Corn For When Thanksgiving Feels Impossible

Sat, 27 Nov 2021 20:35:27 GMT

Thanksgiving sometimes seems impossible.

The early Thanksgivings.

How the Pilgrims got through the winter of 1622 amazes me.

Unwanted guests arriving from the old world and a bad growing season led to inadequate resources. There was no supply chain. They needed to survive on food rations of a mere five kernels of corn per day . In hunger and want, their faith deepened, they continued to be thankful.

The next year, Thanksgiving of 1623 they enjoyed a feast but it began with a serving of five kernels of corn, reminding them of the the sustaining hand of God in times when the circumstances were desperate.

Every Thanksgiving their five kernels of corn challenges me to evaluate my faith in God and my understanding of Thanksgiving.

Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving Proclamation

Two hundred years later, Lincoln's Thanksgiving proclamation stirred a nation ravaged by Civil War. War time, when a half million died and burned ruins marked the land, seems like the wrong time to be thankful. But thankfulness was just what a divided nation needed.

One paragraph seeks thankfulness while recognizing need.

This year's Thanksgiving

There are new reasons to be troubled this year, and old losses still are painful, especially as the holidays begin. Is thankfulness possible? How can thankfulness help us?

We need to be careful, as we care for a grieving or suffering person, not to force thankfulness where it is not felt, nor to try to make something that is tragic to be positive. But if we are alert we may be able to find a way to express thankfulness within the dark and sad experience. At the bedside of many deaths I prayed, "Thank you Lord for life, the opportunity to live, the life of this person, the life that has come into this world through them, the legacy of their life and the hope of eternal life. Please comfort this grieving family with the hope that only your can give."

In the anguish of the loss, the grieving cling to the memory of their loved one. Being thankful does not take the pain away, nor does it say the grieving person should be happy and look at the bright side, but it does give them something to hold on to that helps them get through one moment, one step and onto the next moment and take the next step. It might help them lift their eyes and heart for a moment to see

Thankfulness can help one survive and find strength to keep living.

If people could be thankful in the need, grief and divisions of the historic Thanksgivings, then we should seek the same Source of a greatful heart to help us be thankful. Offering care is the perfect opportunity to merge need and thanks.

I hope your Thanksgiving is meaningful and joyful. Your care matters.

Caring In The Holidays--2 Ideas, Request Your Blue Christmas Service Script.

Sun, 21 Nov 2021 20:57:00 GMT

The holidays provide unique needs and opportunities.

CARDS FOR CAREGIVERS

This year cards are of greater value than ever. Texts, emails and sending an e-card have their time and place. But, there is nothing like the tactile experience of receiving an envelope in the mail, holding it in your hands, ripping open the envelope, pulling out a card, seeing a beautiful picture and opening it to find a handwritten message of affirmation and care. It brings light to a dark mood and refreshes a tired soul.

There is a critical need among caregivers this holiday season. The challenges of caregiving have been extreme, made complicated and dangerous by nearly two years of Covid.

This week, I asked Jonathan, one of the owners of Home Care Assistance of Douglas County, if he thought his 50 Caregivers would appreciate receiving a card, not from their boss, nor from the people who depend on their care, but from a community who recognizes and appreciates their efforts, sacrifices, dedication and compassion. "I think they would love it, even if is only addressed to 'a compassionate caregiver.'"

A card will reveal that you invested time, thought and a little money to make sure a caregiver has the opportunity to feel valued when they read, "Who you are and what you do matters. Your work requires energy, skill and compassion. Thank you for pouring yourself out to care for those in need."

Here are a few places you and your care ministry can send cards and meet a need: Home Care Assistance, a Skilled Nursing Facility, a Memory Care Home, a Hospital, a Homeless Shelter, the County Human Services Department...

BLUE CHRISTMAS

Mountainview Christian Church, where I have served as Pastor of Congregational Care, for the last five years has hosted a Blue Christmas Service for people who have endured a loss and are feeling grief during the holidays.

Usually between 35-50 attend this intimate service, gathered around the fireplace in the Great Room (aka--Fellowship Hall}.

Would anyone attend an online version? With Covid spikes at the end of 2020, we asked that question as we planned an interactive online service. Our attendance tripled!

In addition to grieving the death of a loved one there has also been loss from divorce, unemployment, financial setbacks, missed events due to Covid, sickness, loss of peace and calm from social and political injustice and unrest. Everyone is in some degree of grief for some reason.

The Blue Christmas Service celebrates Jesus' birth into a world of darkness, on a dark night into a dark and dirty place to bring his love, joy, hope and peace to the dark and dirty places of our lives. Do you want a Blue Christmas Service script? Email me at bestcareministry@gmail.com.

Care ministry is caring for people in their times of need. The holidays provide unique opportunities to help people feel valued and cared for.

Have you got an idea to share? Send it to me at bestcareministry@gmail.com.

When we care for people in these ways it matters.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

The Spouse Of A Cancer Patient, My Journey Update And A New Need Among Care Pastors

Sat, 13 Nov 2021 17:19:40 GMT

Thank you for hanging in with me for over eight months of my cancer journey. Your presence in my journey is valuable beyond measure!!!

I'd also need to thank my devoted wife for supporting me. Keep her in your prayers too, and the spouses of cancer patients you know.

When we as a couple go to the doctor and talk about progress or needs, she participates with me. But it is complicated for a spouse because most of the time she watches and wonders when she can't feel what is actually happening inside of me during each moment and each step. I experience each day and every step. Because I deal with the effects of the surgery constantly, my recovery, physically, emotionally and spiritually is different, maybe even ahead, of her recovery.

I am thankful that God has given me healing and remarkable progress (I jogged a full mile last week ✌️✌️✌️!!!)

When the doctor announced the results of the scans on Wednesday, we were both very thankful that there was no new cancer and that I do not need another surgery.

After the doctor examined my scar and hip, he said, about the tightness and tendencies to stiffen, “These will be a lifelong reminder of all that your body went through.” In other words, these results will remain.

I can live normally with those issues, so I will use the life-long-reminders to remember your support and the many and broad variety of victories that I have experienced so far as a cancer patient.

We scheduled the next set of scans for six months from now. Then I will get a CT scan of the pelvic area and the chest.

As the doctor was walking out the door I asked, “Why do we need to do a CT of the chest?”

His answer helped me to understand what it means to be a cancer patient.

“That is the nature of cancer. You can’t just cut out cancer. There could be microscopic cells lying dormant that could become a problem. We need to be diligent.”

I understand that to mean, my tumor grew for an unknown reason. It had to be removed or, like a dandelion in the lawn, it would make seeds and spread. By removing it, we got rid of a big problem. But, that did not remove what caused it in the first place. We don’t know what caused some cells to go rogue and grow into a malignant tumor. That is why my tumor is registered in a database and frozen in a laboratory somewhere to be used for research. Understanding the cause is a major step to a cure of the cause.

Once a cancer patient, always a cancer patient--until they cure the cause.

Still, this week’s news is good, and we live with the hope that the rogue cells were an anomaly and that I will be fine with no recurrence of the cancer.

We live with hope that God will be adequate and always present no matter what. Caring friends will be His hands and feet of support in any way we need.

We will live with greater awareness of the vulnerability of life and the value of care expressed by family and friends.

We will live with new appreciation for each day.

We are thankful for my restored mobility and the ability to walk, jog, mow the grass, walk upstairs to the bedroom, take out the trash…

When we are tempted with doubt, fear, laziness and distraction, I pray we will remember the lessons of this journey and live with greater intensity and purpose.

But as the patient, I need to remember that my spouse’s journey is different than mine. The destination may be the same, but the timing, process and coping methods are different because of a different perspective and experience.

The spouse of a cancer patient needs attention too. They need someone to be present with them and hear their story—not the story of the patient. How does it feel to be going through this as a spouse? What are your worst fears? May I keep checking on you/or find a Stephen Minister/or someone to walk alongside you on this journey?

The spouse needs the support of someone outside the family because each of the family members has their own journey to consider.

You can help the spouse remain healthy while the patient is working to get healthy. When you walk alongside someone suffering with cancer, you will also have the opportunity to help the spouse.

In other Care Pastor news from our Best Care Ministry Network, Richard Powell of Colorado Community Church, is experiencing a major health crisis. You can join his Caring Bridge account to show your support and stay updated on his condition. Please pray for Richard, his wife, his special-needs son and all who are affected by his serious illness. Richard is a giant in the ministry of Care. As he has cared for many, we hope he will feel the care of many, as I have.

Care matters for everyone!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

A Mental Health Resource For Your Church

Sat, 06 Nov 2021 16:25:22 GMT

Mental illness challenges many in our ministries whether it is the one with the mental illness or their family.

One father writes me in a text about the burden for his son , "Thanks for your prayers... I experience sadness, disappointment and some nights I have trouble sleeping because he is constantly on top of mind. So I pray for him until returning to sleep."

Another Dad, also in a text writes, "Thanks for praying. He is not doing very well. He seems very depressed lately. We hate to switch meds but will probably do so."

Here is an excerpt from the journal of a young man whose life ended too early from a heroin overdose. It was a roller coaster of a battle. He was very intelligent, a talented chef and a beloved friend, brother and son. His dad showed me his journal.

"I'm really in a dark, dark place in my life. Finally I'm not getting drunk everyday. God gets that credit. I didn't even do that on my own. Even though God gave that I was still a little off for some reason... This day is the REAL start of my new life! God and I have done some great things for myself in the past 9 months, but it is finally time to start to explore this amazing life and find out what my planet has to offer. Overcoming this depression I'm in is gonna be hard. One thing I have learned is that in life, the things that are good and are gonna make the changes I need to make are hard. If it was easy it would have been done a LONG time ago."

I'm thankful that a lot of people are working to find answers and offer help for cases like these. Here is a resource you might want to bring to your church, or collaborate with several in your community, to address the Mental Health crisis in our community.

The following info describes them in their own words on their website. Click on the name for more material and how you can open an account and become part of this free Mental Health platform.

My Quiet Cave ...

is a gathering place for dreamers and overcomers: the lost, the found, and the wandering. We equip people to lead Christ-centered support groups in their churches and communities, because we believe all people can find hope and healing in the midst of mental health struggles.

My Quiet Cave creates safe groups for mental wellness Christ-centered | Peer-led | Focused on hope

Since 2011, My Quiet Cave has been creating space for faith and mental health. Founded by two seminary students who struggled with navigating the landscape of bipolar disorder in the context of their faith, My Quiet Cave strives to provide people everywhere with a safe space to pursue both mental and spiritual wellness. Our programs are designed to create community, model vulnerability, empower self-care, and embrace our innate value as beloved children of God."

It helps when we are present for those in this battle and support them with empathy and prayer. God may be answering our prayers with My Quiet Cave.

For every type of need, your care matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

A Father's Grief On The Anniversary Of His Daughters Death

Sat, 30 Oct 2021 16:27:41 GMT

It was a single car accident. No one knows for sure what happened except for the catastrophic results.

Here is what her father wrote on the thirteenth anniversary her death.

"I've heard it said, 'Megan will be forever young.' Maybe I'm selfish, but that's not what I want.
I wanted to see you graduate high school.
I wanted to hear your excited chatter about your first year in college.
I wanted to have more science debates with you.
I wanted to cross swords with you in more snarky battles of the wits.
I wanted to attend your college graduation.
I wanted to see if you would really go to medical school and whether you'd go with psychiatry or neurology... or whether you'd flip back to doing a grad degree in neuroscience. Heck, you loved physics so much you might have even decided you were really called to be a physicist!
I wanted to have to call you Dr. Baldwin.
I wanted to dance with you at your wedding.
I wanted someday to say, 'you're a MOMMY!'
I wanted to hold your first child, and to watch them while 'mommy and daddy' had a nice dinner outing.
I wanted to see how you and David would interact as adults at Christmastime. And how David would adapt to being an uncle!
I expected that, when I get old, I'd get to have visits from you and your family.
It's 13 ago years today that you said 'goodbye, Dad' as you headed out the door. I miss you."

In another post he wrote, "We change. Your picture stays the same. I'm glad we have them but they are no substitute for you."

With a child's death, is the loss of a future. The parent grieves, the siblings grieve, the grandparents grieve, friends and neighbors do too. The circle of sadness is huge. While a lifetime of grieving allows the sharp edges of the pain to become rounded a little, anniversaries, milestones, other's celebrations of grandchildren are all triggers to a grief that lasts a life time.

Current problems demand our attention in Care Ministry, but thirteen year old losses are current to the parent who lost a child. That increases our list of people who need support in this world of grief. The same skills are required.

BE PRESENT. Reach out. They probably won't ask for help. Try to get together.

ACTIVELY & REFLECTIVELY LISTEN. Lean in. Make eye contact. Ask them open ended questions. Learn how their grief and grieving has changed has stayed the same and changed over the years.

TALK ABOUT THE CHILD. It is sad enough to miss them but the parent wants to know their child is not forgotten.

I remember the morning after the accident when this Dad called me with the horrible news. I haven't seen him in over twenty years. Many miles have separated us and our lives moved in different directions.

But, I had been his Pastor and his sadness continues so I reach out again just to be present and help him have someone who will listen and care about his pain.

That is what we do in Care Ministry. The results are immeasurable, so we do it in faith that caring matters, because Scripture says it does.
.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Diminished Ability Is Not Diminished Value. Visit The Elderly

Sat, 23 Oct 2021 16:56:42 GMT

"I'd love a visit. The Pastors from my church don't visit anymore."
In all fairness, the Pastoral Staff may be overwhelmed with meetings, emergencies, problems to solve, services to plan and prepare for and everyday responsibilities. Is that like the busy people in the story of the "Good Samaritan"?

Visiting a homebound old lady does not seem like the productive thing for a busy Pastor to do. But a proper understanding of the purpose of the visit and what to talk about will show it has value beyond measure--both for the woman and for the Pastor.

The purpose of the visit is to help her (the elderly person) feel valued.

Diminished abilities that come from aging do not diminish the elderly person's value. Honoring people with your presence and giving them the valuable donation of your time, recognizes their worth. It is what they need and desire most of all.

Listen to her/their story. Her life, lived over many years, is full of meaning with countless events that teach lessons and instill wisdom. Most people do not see the potential of time spent with an old lady and are not interested in her story anymore. Often she does not think it matters. But it feels good for her to tell it and she feels honored when someone cares enough to listen.

Within the details of a life are the things that define the meaning of life and reveal what matters most.
At the death-bed of an old man sat his wife of 70 years. She welcomed me to this sacred scene with a smile. The sum of many ordinary events, meals prepared, chores accomplished, bills paid, miles travelled, mixed with hugs, kisses, laughter, tears, happy and sad emotions, added up to a meaningful existence that I could feel as she told me about their life together . They carried out their lives through times of peace and war, prosperity and poverty, sickness and health, calm and busy. Sometimes they didn't know how they would make it. Other times it seemed they had it figured out.

Only the elderly can tell that kind of story and only those who listen to the elderly can hear it and benefit from it.
So the invitation I received from an old lady is one I plan to accept. Every Care Ministry needs to have a way to care for the elderly. Probably every Pastor should should make some visits to the elderly even if it is not his or her primary responsibility. But those of us devoted to Care Ministry may have the opportunity to be involved in many visits and train others to visit too.

To maximize a ministry to the elderly, there are many great resources available with a simple Google search and through Skilled Nursing Facilities in our area. Home Care Assistance is and organization that I have found helpful over the years. My wife even served as a Care Giver for them, for a season and has many wonderful memories coming from it. They are experts in the art of aging well and understand the full scope of needs of the elderly and their families. Resources that stimulate a "healthy mind" are availalbe for you to take on a visit or give to an old lady that you are visiting.

Whether you are visiting the elderly, or helping someone else visit, you are doing something that matters! It is a ministry that God cares about because you are valuing a life He loves.
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Why Do People Who Need Care Refuse To Receive It?

Sat, 16 Oct 2021 16:59:00 GMT

Why do people who need care refuse to receive it?

It is common for Stephen Ministries to lack care-receivers for their Stephen Ministers. Grief share may have a group of women, but often there are few or even no men who admit their grief. Desperate people most often request prayer. Even then the focus is mostly for relief from an external circumstance more than a desire for wisdom, purpose and a solution through a relationship with God and others.

In finding the answer to why ministries are superficial and people don’t allow themselves to be cared for, we need to start with another question? What barriers have we accidentally built that prevents people from seeking care.

A bad experience. After taking the emotional risk of sharing a need, a confidentiality is broken, or the need is minimized, forgotten, or ignored. Once burned, twice shy.
Lack of confidence. Vulnerability cannot be wasted on people who lack empathy, can't help and don't know how to listen.
Not personal. After sharing a need the person gets handed off or simply referred to a class or group with little personal attention, compassion follow-up.

Admitting these failures will help us build a stronger Care Ministry.

Addressing these problems with teaching, coaching and accountability of Caregivers, will increase their skills and the integrity of the ministry.

We can regain the confidence of those we are attempting to care for if we recognize these problems in their stories.

Care ministry is complex and difficult. It requires caregivers with hearts of compassion matched with skills that exudes competence so that our hurting culture will feel confident and safe to trust us with their pain.

People do not want to fall if no one will catch them.

And those who hurt only want to be caught by people, skilled as they are, who are compassionate.

"The word compassion is derived from the Latin words pati and cum, which together mean, 'to suffer with.' Compassion asks us to go where it hurts, to enter into the pain, to share in brokenness, fear, confusion and anguish." (From the book Compassion, co-authored by Henri Nouwen, Donald McNeill and Douglas Morrison, pp 3, 4)

Through the work of the Holy Spirit, God’s people become compassionate.

Care Pastors, Stephen Ministry Leaders, Chaplains, Pastors and Leaders equip God's people with skills as they serve with compassion.

People in pain will respond to our ministries as we admit our mistakes and pursue hearts of compassion with skills to care.

When you care for others and help people care for others, what you do matters!
.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Using The "Other Chair" To Help Someone Grieve

Sat, 09 Oct 2021 17:04:20 GMT

His wife died a few months ago.

The two of us sat together in his living room and he poured out the difficult story of her death, his care for her and how much he misses her.

For much of her adult she suffered with Rheumatoid Arthritis. He was well acquainted with caregiving. I know a handful of men that deserve the highest level of respect for the way each cared for a sick wife with an "in sickness and health' commitment. This man is near the top of that short list.

In the final years she could hardly move. Caregivers from an agency helped during the day and he mustered the strength each evening to assume his caregiver duties, after a full day at the office, .

Alzheimer's Disease advanced with its complications . Her needs were all consuming and he gave his all.

"You need to call hospice." Sometimes doctors are reluctant to say it, but wise and courageous doctors do when they discern the situation is terminal.

"Somehow, I thought she would survive hospice."

Then he showed me the text with the hospice nurse on his wife's final day. He won't delete this text. It represents a sacred day when his wife of over four decades passed from this life into the next.

There were many details describing the extent of the care and suffering.

He misses caring for her and would have her back in a moment.

I was honored to sit in the "other chair" and hear their story. It gave me the opportunity, in a small way, to participate in the sacred experience.

He spontaneously invited me into that space with his open sharing. I didn't even need to ask many questions--just sit in the other chair and let him express his memories and sadness.

Everyone experiences grief. It is the most common human experience.

Not all grieve.

Grieving involves sitting in one chair and finding someone to sit in another chair so the one in grief can tell their story. Sometimes it is God in the other chair while the grieving person prays their pain. Other times it is a journal when they log their story. Hopefully many find a friend, Stephen Minister or Care Pastor who will sit and listen. Occasionally, it is a combination of all three.

If they pour out their heart, they probably wanted and needed to, even if the need was subconscious. Your presence in the other chair made it possible.

When you give someone the opportunity to share what you do matters,
.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Helping the guilty find forgiveness

Sat, 02 Oct 2021 17:07:25 GMT

It was a long road trip, so for a little while she allowed her children to unfasten their seat belts. Tragedy soon followed.

The kids climbed into the back of their SUV to watch a video together. A bad patch on the road caused this mother to lose control of her vehicle. It rolled off the shoulder and the youngest child died at the scene.

The anguish of the mother with unending grief was complicated by felony reckless child endangerment charges. Her love and service for her children will always be marked with the guilt of a of a well meaning mistake.

A man cried, "I failed to love my wife the way a man should love his wife." Now alone, after a costly divorce, grief and guilt mingle causing a complicated pain.

Dr. Kenneth Haugk, founder of Stephen Ministry, devotes several chapters of his book, Christian Caregiving a Way of Life, to the wonderful gift of forgiveness.

"Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means that the evil act no longer becomes a barrier to the relationship." (p. 82, Martin Luther King, Jr. quote)

As Christian caregivers, forgiveness is central to our theology of a loving, gracious and merciful God. In the Lord's Prayer we pray, "forgive us our trespass as we forgive those who trespass against us."

Forgiveness opens the door for a relationship with God bringing relief from the burden of our wrong actions plus it provides hope and healing for a redemptive future.

But knowing the theology of forgiveness often does not immediately translate to experiencing it personally and emotionally.

I was visiting a man who was dying of AIDS. He acquired this dreaded disease through high risk behavior in the world of drugs and lascivious living. He lost everything: his marriage, his kids, possessions, jobs, health and soon his life.

I listened as he confessed his story while he was searching for relief from the guilt of his actions. The consequences were severe. At his request, I was eager to explain the theology of forgiveness from a loving Savior. He received it with much thanks.

On my last visit with him he asked me how he could be assured of forgiveness before he met his Maker. This time it was my extreme privilege to speak forgiveness to him.

"Yet sometimes a real live human being assuring another that God has forgiven him or her can be a great comfort. Realizing that you are are privileged to share God's absolution (forgiveness) in a personal, one to one context can increase the effectiveness of your caring. You are functioning as an ambassador of God, carrying the embassage of divine forgiveness to a broken world." (p. 91.92)

The list of wrongs that cause people to be guilty and feel guilty seems to be getting longer. When you care for people without judgment, listen to their story and allow them opportunity to confess their actions, you will be sought after to help people find relief from their guilt.

What you do matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Call A "Time-Out" And Create Space

Sat, 25 Sep 2021 17:33:43 GMT

Every football team gets three, 90 second timeouts per half.

"According to multiple studies, timeouts are more valuable than good field position late in a football game. Timeouts are also effective at "icing" the kicker and the proper use of timeouts on offense forces the defense to change strategy. Simply put, effective time management on the gridiron leads to wins." ( Sportsrec.com )

Timeouts are the key ingredient to effective time management to the Care Pastor, or anyone, who primarily responds to needs. Those needs can wreak havoc with a planned schedule.

A colleague and good friend in Care Ministry recently faced burnout. He was ready to quit. Very capable in skills, the relentless demands left him physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

After an extended sabbatical to preserve his calling, he implemented the timeout between appointments. Instead of a day filled with hospital visits, meetings, calls, emails, events and planning, back to back to back to back to back to back, he inserted brief timeouts of stillness, listening and calm, at least a few times per morning and afternoon. When possible, and it usually is, he will take a timeout between each activity and create space for inspiration and renewal for the nest task.

Peter Scazzero, who I often quote in Emotional Healthy Spirituality--Day by Day, recommends two minutes before and after prayer and devotional times, just to listen.

I adopted this pattern and also applied it to work. It is energizing, refreshing, clarifying and empowering.

Before I began reading background materials, looking at previous messages and typing this email I sat quietly for a couple minutes at my desk. After I am finished and before I hit send, I will do the same.

Long, extended times of silence and stillness can be hard to come up with and, for most people, are not practical, at least not for frequent use.

But everyone can take two minutes of stillness before and/or after an activity--not music, nor TV, driving or even walking, just stillness with listening and instrospection.

The timeout in a football came gives opportunity to adjust, call a play, do a cheer, refocus and win the game.

It can be a game changer for us too.

Try it now after you have read this email.

What you to matters too much for you to burn out. Take a timeout. Or take three timeouts in each half of your day.

Now, I'm going to be prayerful, quiet, close my eyes and be still for a couple of minutes and then hit send.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Presence In Trauma, Known And Unknown

Sat, 18 Sep 2021 17:39:08 GMT

You will be called to support people experiencing trauma.

It might be a natural disaster, a terror attack, a school shooting or a life changing event with someone close to you.

Dr. Kevin Ellers, of the Salvation Army, responds to questions, in a KLOVE interview, about his experience at the collapse of the twin towers twenty years ago.

He emphasized the importance of presence, listening and practical support. You can go to the KLOVE website listen to the interview and read from Marya Morgan's blog ( https://www.klove.com/news/closer-look/hot-topx/closer-look-heroes-shaped-by-9-11-lessons-from-the-attacks-on-america-2427. )

" Kevin Ellers, D. Min , was in Kansas City when he was called to the Trade Towers collapse in New York City with The Salvation Army . For two weeks he cried and prayed with people who lost husbands or wives, sons and daughters at Ground Zero. He stood in sacred silence alongside firefighters and chaplains when human remains were found in the rubble of what recovery workers called ‘The Pile.’" (KLOVE Closer Look)

Traumas, like many needs that confront a person and a Caregiver, cannot be explained. While trying to regain equilibrium, what the victim needs most is our presence, listening and, maybe, some practical support.

A man visited my church recently. His trauma was unrecognizable, but his countenance and body language revealed that he was disoriented and needing some help.

Two of my colleagues, on separate occasions, noticed him and offered the ministry of presence and listening. They learned his story and he was thankful to tell it. Even though his trauma continued to rock his world, he was no longer alone.

He returned to the men who cared enough to be present and listen. This time he had a confession. "If you had not been here for me, I was going to take my life."

"In the months and years after 9-11 Dr. Ellers studied trauma care and critical incident debriefing, eventually designing curriculum with titles like Spiritual First Aid , now used to train first responders internationally. Ellers currently serves as the Territorial Disaster Services Coordinator and Chaplaincy Coordinator for The Salvation Army Central Territory. He has also become a life coach." (Also from, K-LOVE Closer Look)

Practicing the basics of presence, listening and offering practical support, will equip every Care Pastor or Care Giver to make a difference in the traumas your people experience.

But, there are resources we can use to master our caring skills and train others as we grow our care ministries. Crisis Response Care (https://www.crisisresponse.org/connect/about) offers videos, podcasts and the possibilities of college credits with Crown College.

When you care, it matters, especially in a trauma. You might even save a life.

The Theology Of Care--The Source And The Reason

Sat, 11 Sep 2021 17:43:30 GMT

Care Ministry is about more than addressing the needs of people.

Care Ministry involves discovering the God who cares and letting His compassion flow through us in our actions toward others.

As Covid was affecting ministries, agencies, hospitals and every outlet of people service and care, I looked for answers to see how pastors, priests and ministries conducted themselves during previous pandemics. New to pandemics, I chose the one I had heard of the most, The Black Plague .

I was drawn to the Reformer, John Calvin, who pastored through five out-breaks of the Black Plague during his pastoral ministry in Geneva, Switzerland.

My readings led me to Calvin on the Christian Life: Glorifying and Enjoying God Forever by Michael Horton. Known for His theology on the sovereignty of God, I was pleased to see how the power of Calvin's theology flowed out into compassion and care for others. It should not have surprised me, but it was part of His ministry that I did not know about. His words describe what I have felt as the application of my theology progresses in relation to care ministry.

“Because we truly feed on Christ in the Supper, we are drawn ‘both to purity and holiness of life, and also to charity, peace and concord’ with each other… We will take care that none of our brethren is hurt, despised, rejected, injured, or in any way offended, without our, at the same time, hurting, despising, and injuring Christ...; that we cannot love Christ without loving our brethren; that the same care we take of our own body we ought to take of that of our brethren, who are members of our body; that as no part of our body suffers pain without extending to the other part, so every evil which our brother suffers ought to excite our compassion. Grace leads to gratitude—a thanksgiving toward God that turns us outward to our brothers and sisters and then also out to our neighbors, whoever they may be… The one who wants to love God can do so by loving the believers…Because God serves us, we can serve our neighbors.”

(Pp140-142)

So, Christian theology as described by Calvin, is much more than a mere academic and useless series of religious rituals. It is a robust expression of love freely received and freely given.

If we lack love for others, we must first draw close to God, confessing our cold heart, removing any barrier, and asking for a new experience of God’s forgiveness and love. When we are full of God’s love, care for the needs of others will follow .

One of the beauties of a care ministry is it continually takes us to new and deeper experiences of God’s love as we question suffering and wrestle with our love and care for others.

To love without God will still bear good fruit because of the value of love and care. But the capacity will be limited to finite ability and horizontal understanding.

Today we remember 9-11, twenty years ago. Covid and Afghanistan add to our already sad and growing load of people who are in various forms and stages of grief and suffering.

This is our time as faith-based care ministries to embark on an adventure without limits.

You will experience the source and reason for care as God works in and through you. You will be engaging with God and with people and are doing divine work with eternal rewards. When you care, it matters, much more than you can measure.

Your Labor Is Not In Vain.

Sat, 04 Sep 2021 17:48:38 GMT

When you care for another person, remember this simple message, your labor is not invain.

¹⁰ God is not unjust;
he will not forget your work
and the love you have shown him
as you have helped his people
and continue to help them.
Hebrews 6:10

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend. Your labor matters!!!

Help The Dying Maintain Their "Place" In Life

Sat, 28 Aug 2021 17:51:17 GMT

When abilities are diminishing and life is getting smaller, it is important to allow the dying to do what they want to and what they safely are able to do.

"Premortem dying" is what the sick call it.

Following his well known book, Where is God When it Hurts? , Philip Yancey wrote a booklet titled, "Helping the Hurting--What You Can Do for Those in Pain." (I could not find the booklet Online, but you can click the title of his book for more about the subject, that book and about Philip.)

The content of his own book challenged him to enter into the life of his young friend, Jim, who had been diagnosed with a rare and terminal cancer.

Yancy explains the importance of a "sense of place" as one thing we can give to a dying person.

"People in Jim's group of suffering peers referred to a process they called 'premortem dying.' It occurs when well-intentioned relatives and friends look for ways to make the suffering person's last moths trouble-free. 'Oh, you mustn't do that! I know you've always taken out the garbage, but really, not in your condition. Let me do that.' And often, 'Don't burden yourself with balancing the checkbook. It would just create an unnecessary worry for you. I'll take care of it from now on.'

Gradually, inexorably, everything that gives a person a sense of place or a rule of life is taken away. A mother encourages her single daughter to sell her house and move back home. She does so, and discovers that in the process she has also lost her individual identity. Feelings of worth and value, already precarious because of the illness, slip further away.

Suffering people already question their place in the world. Often they cannot continue working, and the fatigue brought on by the illness or treatment, makes every action harder and more tedious. Yet they, like all of us, need to cling to a place, that life would not go on without a bump if they simply disappeared, that the checkbook would go unbalanced except for their expert attention. Wise friends and relatives sense the delicate balance between offering help and offering too much help.

We live in a culture that has no natural 'place' for sick people. We put them out of sight, behind the walls of hospitals and nursing homes. We make them lie in beds, with nothing to occupy their time but the remote control devices that operate the television sets. We even give the the telling label 'invalid' (try pronouncing it a different way; in-val-id)..." ("Helping the Hurting," Yancey, pp. 11, 12)

When we honor the sick with our time and presence, we help them be seen. When we learn their story we help establish their legacy so they know they will not be forgotten. We we allow them to do something, or even find something for them to do, we validate their worth.

This awareness and skill is one of my favorite things about the Caregivers of Home Care Assistance . Their stories reveal that the dying, or the elderly with decreasing abilities, still want to live the life they have and find meaning in each day and activity.

"Caregivers, Rene and Jesus, became more immersed in the art world as each day passed. They assisted Saul in setting up his easel, accessing colors and mixing pigments, choosing and cleaning brushes and so forth. Their work allowed Saul to finish a majority of his canvases. And for this, he was extremely grateful.

Deanna and Jennifer took such good care of 72-year-old Nicholas, a Harvard Law Graduate who had a successful law practice for many years. His deteriorating health, due to a severe diabetic condition, greatly restricted his life. But, under their care, his health improved so he could take a trip back to his home town in Ohio and, with relatives, attend the annual Greek Festival that his former church sponsors in their town." (Stories in Home Care, Home Care Assistance, pp. 8, 11 Many other stories exist including teaching, card playing and writing).

When you visit someone, it isn't just to see how they are doing. You are helping a person be reassured that their life matters, that they are seen, have a place in this world and their life has made a difference in this world that will extend beyond their earthly life.

When you help them maintain their place, what you do matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Depressed People Need Hope

Sat, 21 Aug 2021 17:55:20 GMT

Just when we think things are getting back to normal and we breathe a sigh of relief, the variant rears its ugly head. Then comes Afghanistan.

Beyond the negative outcomes of these horrible crises is the exhausting reality that problems keep on coming.

As a culture we are like the cancer patient who thinks they are in remission but discovers the cancer has come back. The victories of recovery are replaced by more suffering and an uncertain future.

It can be depressing.

"Hurting people often struggle with depression as it is a natural reaction to stress and tension," writes Barb Roberts, an experienced Care Pastor in metro Denver ( Helping Those Who Hurt , Barbara M. Roberts, NavPress, p. 13 [ click to buy]).

"It can affect anyone, at any time. Depression ranges from mild to severe.

Mild depression, which is often called 'the blues,' is usually brief and does not seriously interfere with normal activities.
Moderate depression brings feelings of hopeless that are more intense and longer lasting...
Severe depression is identified by a loss of interest in the outside world and serious, prolonged behavioral changes.

Your role as a caregiver (Care Pastor, Stephen Minister, Home Care caregiver, friend, family member--my insert), is to listen to, support, and pray for those struggling with depression. Individuals with either moderate or severe depression should get the help of a professional counselor. Be quick to recognize when you are in 'over your head' and make a referral, providing resources and even offering to accompany the person through the first counseling visit.

Keep in mind that professional support is something that should be recommended in addition to your help, not instead of your help. Whether by phone, email, or personal visits, be consistent in your contact with anyone you refer to a professional.

Depressed people need hope..." (Ibid.)

You don't need to cheer up the depressed person. But as you, a person of compassion and faith, are present with them and learn their story from their dark place, there will be an opportunity to speak hope that the transcendent God listens to the cry of the depressed. Together you can ascend to God in prayer from their lowly condition, as the Psalmist did...

"Out of the depths, I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice...
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope."
Psalm 130:1, 5

As we live in a world of need, may we never lose hope because even when we help one, as Mother Theresa replied about saving one Starfish, "it matters to that one."

So my prayer for you is...

"May the God of hope
fill you with all joy and peace
as you trust in him,
so that you may overflow with hope
by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13

Our care for people is more than trying to make them feel comfort but it is to keep their faith alive so they experience hope. Then the joy will come.

People are looking for hope in a world with continual stress and tension. So when you care for someone and they find hope, what you do matters beyond anything you can measure.

In The Midst Of Life (With Henri Nouwen)

Sun, 15 Aug 2021 17:57:21 GMT

"We don't adopt the world. It has adopted us. We are in the world's embrace, for we partake of its culture, language and values.

Yet we don't need to accept all of its dictates. We can live in the world and be be guided by a different vision. Not only that, but we can also seek to change our world. This requires strenuous activism and even more strenuous resistance for the world will attempt to seduce those who walk to the sound of a different drum." (Dare to Journey with Henri Nouwen, Charles Ringma, Reflection 153--The Midst of Life, Prayer and Activism. For more on Henri Nouwen click HERE )

This week I sat with a couple, very dear friends of mine, whose son suffers with mental illness including psychotic breaks. The burden they carry for the son they love is a heavy one.

I'm sure people with other needs sought you out.

Along with you, we have endured another week of Covid questions, fears, dangers. and debates.

It seems, more days than not, the whole world is in crisis.

But this is our world and it has adopted us. It is here and now we live our lives and conduct our ministries. How can we maintain our hearts of care and build sustainable ministries that make a difference in the world instead of being consumed by the turmoil that surrounds us?

Nouwen writes that the one with compassion and the strength to make a difference is "'the one who enters the center of the world and prays from there.' A new vision of life does not require the cloister. It can come from the midst of life, but only to the one who prays." (more from Reflection 153)

Caring people need to be praying people. When you pray for God's Spirit to give you strength, to help those receiving care, to bring peace and comfort to a troubled world, what you do matters!

And the world needs you now!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Help Someone Smile (And The World Care) With Secret Acts Of Kindness

Sat, 07 Aug 2021 17:59:48 GMT

It is time for a shot-in-the-arm that makes people feel good.

Earlier in my ministry (30 years ago to be exact), I went through an unforgettable Spiritual Adventure. Committing to do a "Secret Act of Kindness" for seven weeks is what made it hard to forget. (See below for more info about 50 Day Spiritual Adventures.) Actions of care and kindness are near the top of the list of memorable things in our lives.

Leading people into a season of intentional acts of care and kindness can be organized in a large variety of ways. It can be an Act a Day for a week or a month. The Spiritual Adventure I enjoyed challenged participants to commit to one, anonymous if possible, act of care for a person every week for seven weeks (it could be a different person/family each week). Each system has strong points. What is best for your and your goals is what matters.

These suggestions will help you organize a campaign that will make a difference that is beyond measure.

1. Giving and doing acts of care is the emphasis. It is better to give than receive. The goal is to mobilize people to care. Within a church or neighborhood, some will not receive a gift or an act of kindness. We run the risk them being disappointed. Perhaps we can be creative in filing this gap but prevention is best with the proper emphasis of giving.

2. Make the least likely person the target of care at least once. Send a card or note of prayer and encouragement to someone in the other political party. Buy a gift card or send flowers, to someone of a different race, ethnicity, socio-economic group, sexual orientation... Affirm who they are with the message that you believe their life matters.

3. Remember the dependable who are always there. They may be taken for granted First responders deserve attention. They experience some form of wrong, harm, drama or trauma every day. Elders at church attend meetings instead of spending the evening at home. Sunday School teachers prepare lessons during their personal time. Nursery workers miss the service to sit with babies so the parents can attend the worship service.

This list is infinite.

4. Be anonymous, if possible. Sometimes you cannot help it and occasionally it is even better if the recipient knows who sent the gift. But when we are anonymous, there is a lesser risk of wrong motives and the temptation to want some form of payback or appreciation.

Learning the skills and cultivating the focus on others is the vaccine for many of the ills in our culture.

When you help people care for others, what you do matters more than you can measure!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Take Time Off From Life

Sat, 31 Jul 2021 18:02:37 GMT

"If only we could take time off...

Even before you experienced your loss, there were days when you wanted to take time off from life. Having the ability to turn off your brain and your emotions and just enjoy your morning coffee, watch the sunrise, and listen to the birds without planning or worrying about your day is a great start for taking time off from life.

If only we could take time off. If only we could spend the day reading, sitting by the pool, or going for a hike in the mountains without being concerned about anything. If only we didn't have to worry about finances or hurting someone's feelings. If only the kids could take care of themselves for one day. If only the house projects would get done.

Complicated by the loss, taking time off from life seems impossible. In reality, however, it is not impractical to close your eyes and let everything disappear for a moment or an hour. Actually, taking time off from life will help you tackle what is in front of you. Take the much needed break and ask for help in getting your daily responsibilities done as you come up for air." (Day 172 in Living with Loss, One Day at a Time, Rachel Blythe Kodanaz You can click HERE for more about and from Rachel.)

If we could just unplug and take time off we would be healthier, stronger and find the presence of God.

He invites us to, "be still and know that I am God."

Vacations can be wonderful. I'm getting ready for a couple weeks away to celebrate my wedding anniversary and that I am a cancer survivor.

But beyond vacations, to develop the discipline of stillness and silence, even for a moment like Rachel describes or as a Rule of Life as peter Scazzero teaches, we will find what we need to keep going.

Whether you are caring for someone else to help them learn how to take time off, or if you are taking time off to regain your own strength, what you are doing, by not doing, matters.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Flourishing Under Unrelenting Pressure

Sun, 25 Jul 2021 18:08:57 GMT

"Feeling quite depleted today."

That was the text from a friend going through intense treatments for his recurring cancer.

But it is a common message and not reserved for those with cancer.

The pressure on people, especially in leadership and ministry, as they adjust to the greatest changes in our lifetimes, cope with emotional upheaval and the turmoil of complicated needs of themselves and others, is overwhelming. Most have a sense of being depleted.

Care Pastors tell me they are depleted. Some have three to four funerals a week while they faithfully minister with care for people in need.

It is amazing to think that we were made for "such a time as this. Now, when the needs are great, it is our time to care for people, being strong for them, our churches and our communities.

Since we cannot give what we don't have, we need to increase our capacity to care for others and minister out of the overflow of our "inner life."

Peter Scazzero offers a free tool to us that helps us practice adequate self care with the Spiritual component that fills us to overflowing. He calls it a "Rule of LIfe." Click HERE to find a workbook for creating your "Rule of Life" and a series of videos to train your team.

The practice goes back to ancient monastic practices that coined the title "Rule of Life." But, rule did not mean the legalistic way we might interpret "rule." Instead, it comes from the Greek word meaning "trellis" such as those designed to help grapevines become more fruitful and productive and grow upward.

When you go to the Emotionally Healthy website, you will find a video series that is free that you can use to train your staff. "Gain Access" by entering your name and email address. Then go to the Rule of LIfe section and you will be able to print the work book.

Completing it will take some time but it will become a "trellis" for the rest of your life to help you be more fruitful and grow upward.

We must find a way to expand our capacity to care for people and fill our souls so they benefit from the overflow of our lives. Maybe this tool will work for you.

Recognizing our depleted feeling can be the first step toward the construction of a personal "trellis."

After we build our "trellises", we can help others and build a culture that effectively cares for one another.

What you do matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

When The Prayer For Healing Is Unanswered

Sat, 17 Jul 2021 18:12:53 GMT

A young mother was disappointed when the prayer for her six week old baby went unanswered.

Due to the advances of modern medicine and the skills and knowledge of pediatricians, babies get hearing tests very early in life. This little one has a "severe" hearing deficit in one of her ears. Of course this young mom wants her newborn to be well. I do too. The baby is my granddaughter.

A daughter from a different family called me this week. She was praying for her alcoholic mom to respond positively to the intervention and agree to enter a treatment center. The mom rejected the offer and chose alcohol.

Desperate prayers for loved ones with addiction, suicide ideation and/or mental illness are cried by families watching self-destructive behavior ruin a life and a family.

I've attended and officiated funerals for people who died after an extended illness. They, their friends and families prayed for healing from cancer.

In this common responsibility of our calling to care for people with prayer for healing, we are confronted with a crisis of belief for both ourselves and those we care for when our prayers are not answered in the way we requested.

When there are no answers, we should not manufacture one.

In Living with Loss, One Day at a Time , Rachel Kodanaz describes an appropriate response for "unspeakable grief." "One cannot speak when there are no words to truly articulate the feeling of overwhelming sadness, the inability to comprehend the loss, and the continual search each day for the will to carry on... While we may not be able to speak in words, we are speaking--in love, loss and the desire to remember." (p. 4)

Similarly, we may not be able to care with words, as we wait for answers or face the disappointment of a result different than our request. So we care with presence, listening and empathize with a questioning soul.

Books like Philip Yancey's, Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference, help us keep our faith in an all wise, listening and caring God during these times of mystery and anguish when our words fail us.

And then, if our faith survives this crisis, we can keep praying and experience the answer at another time or discover a different answer or find the strength and comfort to keep living as we "ask, seek and knock" (Matthew 7:7) for the answer.

So, I will maintain my care for both of these daughters with presence, listening, empathy and continued prayers of petition and questioning.

When we persist in our prayers, even when they appear unanswered, we grow in our faith, experience God's work beyond our expectations or desires and support a person so that their faith survives and they can keep on living and searching.

When you care for others with prayer, what you do matters.

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Praying For Healing

Sat, 10 Jul 2021 18:15:47 GMT

It is a sacred honor when people ask us to pray for their healing and look to us for help in their time of need and suffering.

During my cancer diagnosis, surgery and recovery, I received great comfort to know many were using the gift of prayer to seek help from God on my behalf.

On my most difficult night in the hospital I simply prayed, "Lord, I just receive the prayers of your people." A sweet and restful peace came over me. As I began to drift off to sleep I had a vision.--not a common occurrence for me. It was a crowd of faceless people that, somehow I knew were those praying for me.

Often I have thought it would be helpful if we could see our prayers. The invisible nature of prayer, this invention of God., and the mystery of the answers to our prayers, challenges our faith to wonder if they are heard by God and how will he respond to our requests.

This time, I saw something! I felt a presence and had a sense that the prayers were real and active in the spiritual world. This wonderful experience was a first for me.

When I returned home from the hospital I received a get-well card, personally drawn by a middle school girl in my church. Without knowing my vision, what she drew on that card was what I saw. Immediately I responded, "I've seen this before. This confirms that is was people praying that I saw that miserable night in the hospital."

This experience of seeing what I believe from the Holy Scriptures motivates me, and I hope it encourages you, to continue to pray for healing for the sick, injured, brokenhearted, addicted, emotionally or mentally ill. Even when we don't see results we know we must continue to lift requests to a God who hears and cares about our needs.

Start by seeking God's presence.

Doctors operate, set bones, prescribe medicines. But, it was God that knit our bodies together in our mother's womb, breathed life into us and makes the body function and respond to the doctor's skilled work. Therefore, we should seek God's presence, since he is the one who will do the healing. Whether it is a simple invitation or an extended time of thought and intercession, we begin by seeking the Healer.

Expand the idea of what healing is.

Naturally, there is a desire for an immediate removal of the sickness with all pain and suffering. We rejoice when that happens.

We recognize too, that healing can take time, and is not less miraculous when there is a great recovery after months of rest and therapy.

In the booklet Prayer Notes (Abbey Press), Susan Saint Sing writes of a friend dying of bone cancer. "He is not showing any signs of the physical healing for which we are all praying but his spirit radiates peace and life. Although he is experiencing the human anguish of great loss and transformation, he still has found joy. He is not finding physical healing, yet this is the greatest healing I have ever witnessed--a heart filled with joy as it draws ever closer to death in anticipation of being united with God."

Keep praying and look for the miracle that is there.

Ask the person what they want us to pray for.

Sometimes we are with them at their hospital bed, in pre-op before surgery or in person, at home or at church. In these cases we should ask them to express their need. When we pray for what they said, they are blessed by the prayer and feel cared for, knowing we listened and heard what they said.

But often the request comes in an email or is written on a response card at church, a Caring Bridge account or a Facebook Group.

We can pause as soon as we read it, save it in a prayer journal or add it to a list to remind us in our personal prayer time.

The discipline to pray for healing enriches our spiritual life and our relationship with God.

Follow up.

"I'll keep you in my prayers," is a common thing to say when a person is expressing their desire and need for healing.

Have you heard that one but wondered if they were actually going to remember and pray for you? Did you question what their prayers that they referred to are actually like and if they will remember you? Maybe they said that because it was the only thing they knew to say.

But, when someone follows up, days, weeks, even months later, I know I have been on their mind and they probably did keep me in their prayers and that they in fact do have a prayer life.

As people who care for people, especially in a formal role of Stephen Minister, Care Pastor, Eucharistic Minister or member of a Prayer Team, praying for healing is the most basic and foundational privilege and responsibility that we have. We must commit to growing in our praying skills and methods so that we master our prayer life.

When you pray for the healing, what you do matters beyond measure and beyond this world that we see.

What you do matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Facing Anger In Ourselves And Others -- Second In A Series

Sat, 03 Jul 2021 18:24:35 GMT

Anger that comes with grief is painful and frightening, both for the grieving person and the person in the other chair hearing the anger.

It is a normal expression of anguish about an event that is wrong, beyond control and painful.

"'I still feel overwhelming rage for the way Sarah died,' said Wendy to her pastor. Her six-year-old daughter had passed away from muscular dystrophy. 'Her death was so awful, so senseless, and all I could do was watch. I knew it was coming, but I'm still angry. I feel like shaking my fist at God. Why did God allow this to happen.'" (Care Notes, Dealing with the Anger That Comes with Grief, Les Parrott)

Anger, due to the intensity of the emotion and the volatility of the expression can destroy relationships and/or it can become toxic, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, to the griever. But at the same time it contains the potential for positive action and emotional healing.

How can we avoid the dangers of anger yet allow it to do its good work?

IDENTIFY AND ACCEPT YOUR ANGER
"Very early on, society teaches us that feelings and the expression of emotion are somehow not appropriate. This training starts with the admonition that 'big boys and girls don't cry.' The truth is that mature, healthy people need to cry and need to give into grief. And that means we may need to give into anger for a time as well. Losing something or someone important to us should make us angry. So not only do we need to give ourselves permission to grieve, but we need to allow ourselves to be angry too. If we bury our anger, it will only resurface when we least expect it." (Ibid.)

How could the mother see her child die and not be angry? How can we not be angry at the drunk driver that took the life of an innocent couple? How can we see injustice and not be upset? Beyond the "how", "why" should a person not be angry with the wrong of catastrophic losses?
We cannot, nor should we not be angry. Accept the anger.

EXPRESS YOUR ANGER CONSTRUCTIVELY
"'Anybody can become angry,' said Aristotle, 'that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not within everybody's power and it is not easy.' It's not easy to handle anger, but identifying who or what you are angry at in specific terms will help.

Take a moment and jot down

all of the possibilities. Journaling your anger may help. Are you angry at a person? A circumstance? Yourself? God? Be as specific as you can. You may find you are mad at more than one thing. List them all. By labeling the targets of your anger you will be better equipped to deal with them.

If you do not feel comfortable talking to a friend or family member about it, you might consider talking with a professional counselor, someone who will hold your feelings in confidence. Some way or the other talk it out with someone..." (Ibid.)

You may want to "pray your journal." God already knows you are angry, so confidently "approach the throne of grace" (Hebrews 4:16a) and express your need to him. Ask Him to comfort your pain, heal your wound, give you strength by His Spirit and commit the wrong to Him so He can make it right in His way and at His time.

When something as powerful as anger is going on inside of us or someone we are caring for, we must find a way to face it. Healthy caring does not run from, avoid or stifle anger.

When we care for a person we provide a safe, nonjudgmental and confidential place for a person to identify, accept and express their anger. Then anger will do a good work and drive people to redemptive actions and healthy grieving.

What you do matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

Facing Anger In Ourselves And Others

Sat, 26 Jun 2021 19:11:25 GMT

It was a perfectly beautiful night for a walk. I especially enjoy my two mile walks since my cancer surgery.

But the bliss from the colors of sunset, a perfect temperature, calm from still air punctuated by the beauty of summer blooms was interrupted by screaming sirens.

Two police cars, close to each other sped with sirens blaring near where I was walking. I could hear their engines rev as they exited the intersection. In a minute, more sirens and another police car with the same urgency.

I was walking on a college campus, quiet in the summer with most students home, and I happened on a security guard making his rounds. "What's going on down town?"

The security guard replied, "I heard on the radio that a guy is beating a girl with a baseball bat." We looked at each other with unspoken expressions of sadness, concern, frustration and shock. "This type of thing is happening a lot more than it used to."

I don't feel qualified to deal with anger that reaches this level of violence and destruction. But this horrific assault on a woman happened a few miles from where I live and go to church. It may have happened to someone that I pass in the grocery store or the perpetrator might have waited on me somewhere in this quiet little town where I live.

Maybe this could have been prevented if someone with emotional intelligence, or a church with a ministry to those with hurts, hang-ups and habits, like Celebrate Recovery, would have known how to help a person find healing from wounds in the past or at least feel that someone learned their story, cared about their pain and spoke worth into their life.

Anger expressed in this way began much earlier. I do not know the full story of this event, but it causes me to realize that I do need to understand, the roots and causes of anger and how it escalates in human behavior and what I need to do to minister to people who are struggling with anger. The tsunami of grief post Covid will be accompanied by waves of anger. This storm has been brewing for a long time.

"When people feel angry it is because they believe they are being treated unjustly or unfairly. Most people have a strong inner sense that they deserve to be treated respectfully. When they aren't treated with respect, they naturally feel angry." ( Stephen Ministry Training Manual, Module 6, Assertiveness Relating Gently and Firmly. p. 70 See also, Speaking the Truth in Love, Ruth N. Koch & Kenneth C. Hauck.)

Professionals trained by the Crisis Prevention Institute in Nonviolent Crisis Intervention have awed me as I observed them work in volatile situations in a psychiatric hospital.

But, we do not need to have the level of training that a Crisis Intervention Police Officer has or a Mental Health Professional has to make a difference in a culture that is emotionally charged with anger.

If you devote part of your efforts to studying anger, along with grief and depression, so that you are informed (do not need to be an expert) about this subject, you will find that your compassion, expressed by presence in a person's life to ask questions, learn their story, validate them and help them feel respected, you will meet a growing need in our culture and prevent horrific acts of anger.

The value of what you do is beyond measure.

What you do matters!

Your life matters,

Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478

bestcare

Have you thanked your CNA?

Caring for people who care for people promotes the best care.

Is it okay to grieve the loss of my pet?

Grief is the most common human experience!

A resource for you to support those who grieve

Here is a positive way to deal with negative feelings.

The Oak in the acorn. The Baby in a manger. Do you see the big in the small?

Nine of us gathered for a beautiful Blue Christmas Service.

Peace on Earth. Peace in Your Heart.

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness. It brings peace to your soul.

Giving presence at Christmas.

Presence matters, especially in the hospital.

It helps cure Hospital Delirium.

1. Prepare Your Heart Before You Enter

2. Enter Slowly and Re-Introduce Yourself

3. Match Their Reality—Don’t Argue With It

4. Offer Presence Before Words

5. Reduce Stimulation

6. Reconnect Them to Reality Gently

7. Encourage Family to Bring Familiar Items

8. Pray With Simplicity

9. Stay Brief, Calm, and Positive

10. Support the Family

11. After the Visit

When giving thanks feels impossible.

Don't push Thanksgiving.

But let it emerge, even from the dark experiences.

The ultimate expression of care -- patience.

Let God work in you so you can be patient.

Listen until they feel heard.

You haven't fully listened until

who you are listening to

﻿ feels that they have been heard.

Presence matters!

Prepare your heart to be present.

....for supporting us during my cancer journey!

I wish I could give each of you a hug!

God, change us so we can care like you care.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for

﻿ love comes from God.

I John 4:7a

Focus on others the way God does.

"To be fully known and truly loved is, well,

a lot like being loved by God." ﻿

No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus

God's love flowing through you.

This week focus on the New Nature God offers to give you.

This time I suffered with cancer.

My suffering involved disability and disorientation.

The BIG power of little WORDS.

"SO" works better than "BUT"

especially when expressing care during a catastrophic event.

Everybody, everywhere, has a story.

It was comfortable. It was appropriate.

We were comforted with two opportunities to care.

Caring for one another in a turbulent world. Your care matters!

"...but encouraging one another --

and all the more as you see the Day approaching."

Hebrews 10:25

Care is so simple, a child can do it!

God made the most important things simple.

Not easy, but simple.

The Caring Garden of Glimmer Glen

brought to you by Chaplain Dan

or Papa, depending on our relationship.

Welcome to Glimmer Glen!

A Special Invitation

Essential #1 — The Nature to Care

Essential #2 — A Focus on Others

Essential #3 — Your Presence

Essential #4 — Extreme Listening

Essential #5 — Patient Persistence

Essential #6 — Safe Guards

Essential #7 — Be Ready

Maddy’s Promise

Maximize your caring skills with a quick test of the 7 Essentials for Caring that Makes A Difference.

Make sure you are doing your best!

Essential – A Focus on Others

Essential – Your Presence

feels that they have been heard.

love comes from God.

a lot like being loved by God."

will help more people care.