In our world, troubled with war that deserves the headlines, personal and private traumas also continue, often silently and privately.
Maybe you will be called on to care for a shocked and confused young couple, grief-stricken by miscarriage.
This week, Susan, my wife, and I were remembering, in emotional detail, her miscarriage experienced almost forty years ago. As a young couple who didn't know how to feel or what to do, we faced the urgent medical needs, comforted each other privately, and immediately moved ahead with life's demands. Susan's grief lasted longer than my comfort, I am sorry to say.
I wish I had known then what I learned many years later as a Chaplain at a medical center.
When we Chaplains were called to a woman or couple experiencing a "fetal demise," due to the good work of our Pastoral Care director, we had a prepared ceremony to offer. If the parents wanted they could name the baby, but most importantly, a simple ceremony added the emotional and spiritual dimension to the medical care.
Susan and I only had medical care. Emotional and spiritual work was up to us.
The Naming Ceremony that the Chaplains used was a great comfort at the time of disappointment and sadness and it established memories that would last for a life time.
One young couple I visited in the early morning hours was heartbroken to discover, during one of their prenatal doctor appointments, that there was no heart beat. After introducing the Naming Ceremony, the mother quickly replied that she wanted to name the little girl that was not born alive.
Following is much of that ceremony.
It begins with a prayer.
"'Lord, God, we are gathered to share our faith. Right now, the mystery of life and death is overwhelming. Help these young parents to believe and trust in your goodness and wisdom, at a time when human understanding falls short. Amen.".
'The word of the Lord came to Jeremiah, saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you...' We name this child today so that we may remember her coming among us and we ask God to bless our remembering."
To the parents, 'What will you name this child?'
They reply, 'We name her _________________.'
Then I declare, "O child whom we have known for such a short time (or barely got to know), we call you _____________. Receive this name as a sign of your uniqueness to us and before God. By this name you will be remembered.'"
The program can be printed and saved to memorialize this day.
There are also resources available to meet this special ongoing grief. Here are two. Contact me if you need more or to find one in your area.
- Mothers In Sympathy and Support (MISS) Foundation: missfoundation.org
- Colorado Pregnancy and Newborn Loss: ColoradoPregnancyLoss.org
Grief is the most common human experience, and special attention is required when it relates to infants and children, When you help a couple who has experienced a miscarriage, your ministry will be valuable beyond measure.
Your care matters!
Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478
