What should you do when hosting a holiday dinner or event when you or someone attending is grieving a profound loss?

Many magazines give beautiful tips for creating a festive setting for the holiday gathering of friends and family. Recipes, decorations and ideas abound. But, they don't seem to provide the ideas on how to grieve through the holidays. Grief can make these celebrations awkward at Christmas!

The granddaughter who cries because this is the first Christmas without grandpa might be accused of being a drama queen and taking away everyone's joy. "Don't ruin Christmas for the rest of us!" 

"I just can't feel cheerful. I miss her so much and she made Christmas so special," says the husband who lost his wife a few months earlier.

It is not right to avoid mentioning the one who is not there this year. Then how do we recognize what makes us so sad when we are trying to be cheerful?

Here are three ideas and four resources/books to help the perfect host know what to do.

1. MAKE A NEW TRADITION.

Actually, there are SIXTEEN ideas for new traditions in this wonderful article on the What's Your Grief? website. Click HERE to read it. Ideas including food, music, tablecloths, candles and a lot more can provide an appropriate celebration.

2. EXPECT PEOPLE TO RESPOND DIFFERENTLY.

Be careful not to try to produce nor expect the same reaction from everyone. Whatever you do, people will respond differently, and that is appropriate. Following are two quotes that support this truth. The host may add the books that the quotes come from to their library of cookbooks, to be fully prepared for the nuances of a holiday celebration.

• "Keep in mind there has never been a loss precisely like yours."  (James E. Miller in How Will I Get Through The Holidays, p. 7).

• "One expression of hospitality you can give others this holiday season is the gift of recognizing that grief has many formats and forms of expression."  Harold Ivan Smith in A Decembered Grief, p. 23 His book is filled with great ideas.

3. FOCUS YOUR HOSPITALITY ON THEM.

Sure, you want to put your "best-foot-forward" and you hope people will enjoy themselves and want to come back to your house. But, when your energy goes into how they feel more than is-everything-perfect, it probably will be perfect. 

Pray this prayer from Wendy Beckett's book, 'A Child's Book of Prayer in Art. (p. 29). "Please give me a loving heart that tries to understand how other people feel."

This year the holidays will be different. Accepting that and giving everyone the opportunity to express their feelings in their way will help the gathering be meaningful and wonderful, even if the view of the decorations is blurred by tears.

I hope this helps you or the person you are helping, have an amazing holiday season and care better than ever before. Because your care matters!